She cant get a checking account.....

[DancingFool]

Nobody gets banned from having a checking account except perhaps at a particular bank where she has bounced too many checks. I think more likely she doesn't have a checking account because she has some major outstanding debt owed to either the IRS or some other kind of judgement where they will garnish any money that enters a check account tied to her name and social security number.

 

Not saying that it's not possible that she doesn't have other issues, BUT yes absolutely millions of people are banned for what I wrote in my previous post. Banks actually track you and just like you have your credit scores, you also have bank scores that are reported through a few private companies that are little known, yet virtually all banks use. One such is ChexSystems. Any negative information like an account closed for an overdraft will come up and it will stop people from being able to open an account with most banks out there as they will check your history prior to opening an account for you. It's all electronic and easily and instantly done. A few banks have what is called a bad history account that they will allow people to open with certain fees and limitations, etc., however most banks who participate, which is the majority, will deny you an account under the "high risk customer" pretext. Like I said, most people are completely unaware of this. Used to be a lot easier because there was less reporting, but since the banking fiasco with the mortgages, a lot has changed and there is a lot more reporting, checking and more stringent rules. It's actually a growing problem that is getting more legal and judicial attention over just the last year or two. Before that, it was virtually unknown that there is even such reporting being done.

[jcaves80]

well i appreciate that info thanks

[annie24]

My thought is that this is who she is, and if you get married to her, you need to get used to 'cleaning up her messes.' Whether that's starting a checking account for her, or supporting her when she is in between jobs. Are you ok with that?

[jcaves80]

that is some serious slap in the face of reality ad my answer is no, thank you for that ..

 

My thought is that this is who she is, and if you get married to her, you need to get used to 'cleaning up her messes.' Whether that's starting a checking account for her, or supporting her when she is in between jobs. Are you ok with that?

[abitbroken]

well we've been together a year and a half so we're passed that getting to know you stage however, i also feel i know nothing about her after all that time so theres that , but you are right she doesn't have her life straight i've known that for a while and just ignored it

 

Well..you aren't to the point of commitment. I am not going to pick nits on people spending the night even though I wouldn't at certain stages, but once a child is involved, it should be sleepovers when the child is not present or a babysitter (even if the non-parent member of the couple springs for it sometimes to make it happen) to go to the other person's house for romantic encounters. Boyfriend sleepovers can be confusing and the needing mom to sleep with him could be something that happens when you are there as a power play by the child because he doesn't feel secure. it might be a pain, but you clearly don't know this woman well enough.

[Ms Darcy]

I always ask people what they get out of such an unhealthy relationship. What have you been getting out of this? Is it just the feeling of not being alone? Is it the chance to rescue someone?

 

I can't help but think this is a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. You mention that you don't date single moms and then the one exception is like the worst ever and now you are saying to yourself: "never again!"

 

Also, can you help me understand why so many posters feel the need to say "my friends tell me I'm attractive." What does that even mean? What are you trying to tell us?

[jcaves80]

i cant speak for other posters Ms darcy - but i don't necessarily look in the mirror and see what my friends see is what that means, which is something i'm working on, as far as what i'm getting out of this ty situation, if i'm being completely honest with myself probably great sex, but i purposely put a stop to that to help me think clearly about the future of this relationship, which is why i'm here now seeking help sorting it out , but i do have a huge fear of being alone and rescuing might be a factor as well, considering its really hard for me to leave her in a lurch while shes unemployed, hope that answers your question

 

I always ask people what they get out of such an unhealthy relationship. What have you been getting out of this? Is it just the feeling of not being alone? Is it the chance to rescue someone?

 

I can't help but think this is a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. You mention that you don't date single moms and then the one exception is like the worst ever and now you are saying to yourself: "never again!"

 

Also, can you help me understand why so many posters feel the need to say "my friends tell me I'm attractive." What does that even mean? What are you trying to tell us?

[jcaves80]

I respect that point of view

 

Well..you aren't to the point of commitment. I am not going to pick nits on people spending the night even though I wouldn't at certain stages, but once a child is involved, it should be sleepovers when the child is not present or a babysitter (even if the non-parent member of the couple springs for it sometimes to make it happen) to go to the other person's house for romantic encounters. Boyfriend sleepovers can be confusing and the needing mom to sleep with him could be something that happens when you are there as a power play by the child because he doesn't feel secure. it might be a pain, but you clearly don't know this woman well enough.

[Applewhite]

In your original post you mention that she is different from other single moms. How so?

[jcaves80]

the words were "she seemed different from other single moms that i've met", and how it seemed that way was because it seemed like she was always with her kid, spending alot of quality time with him and not out at the club, seemed like a hard worker, as she worked overtime quite a bit etc. compared to lots of single moms IVE met in my time most seemed the opposite, although i do know some there are single moms that are killing it and are like super women, just so you don't think i'm making a gross generalization about single moms...

 

In your original post you mention that she is different from other single moms. How so?

[HeartGoesOn]

EVERYONE PLEASE NOTE , THE KID DOES NOT SLEEP IN THE SAME BED WITH US, THE MOM SLEEPS WITH THE CHILD IN HIS ROOM

 

While I agree that this woman is a train wreck, I'm not sure why you didn't walk away directly after knowing all of this. On a lighter note, she has every right to sleep with her child in his room, and as his mother she doesn't have to explain her reasons to anyone.

 

Also, IMO, you shouldn't be sleeping in her home with her child present, simply because your not his father, and the potential of confusing this child is grossly unfair, in regards to his well being.

 

I'm sorry, but his mother is the one who calls the shots.

[Batya33]

the words were "she seemed different from other single moms that i've met", and how it seemed that way was because it seemed like she was always with her kid, spending alot of quality time with him and not out at the club, seemed like a hard worker, as she worked overtime quite a bit etc. compared to lots of single moms IVE met in my time most seemed the opposite, although i do know some there are single moms that are killing it and are like super women, just so you don't think i'm making a gross generalization about single moms...

 

 

I am not a single mom (I'm married) but I think this might be one of your problems - you try to fit people into neat categories, making assumptions based on the relatively small number of people you know. And .... a single mother who spends a lot of time with her child is .....a parent. Not a superwoman, just a parent. (Not sure what you mean by "quality time" -I know it's a catch phrase but really - kids don't think of it in that way - if a child sees a ladybug on the way to the bus stop and her dad is there to see it too, that's quality time just the same as the dad kicking a soccer ball around on a Saturday morning). Try to rid yourself of all this labeling/categorization especially when looking for a romantic partner.

 

This individual person seems to have a ton of red flags and I would say that whether she happened to have a child or not.

[jcaves80]

either you horribly misunderstood my explanation or i just didnt explain it right, may i didnt explain it right , we'll chalk it up to the latter one i dislike keyboard show downs, but i do think you have a point to a certain extent

[jcaves80]

his mother calls the shots, ok sounds good , thank you for your input

 

While I agree that this woman is a train wreck, I'm not sure why you didn't walk away directly after knowing all of this. On a lighter note, she has every right to sleep with her child in his room, and as his mother she doesn't have to explain her reasons to anyone.

 

Also, IMO, you shouldn't be sleeping in her home with her child present, simply because your not his father, and the potential of confusing this child is grossly unfair, in regards to his well being.

 

I'm sorry, but his mother is the one who calls the shots.

[Batya33]

either you horribly misunderstood my explanation or i just didnt explain it right, may i didnt explain it right , we'll chalk it up to the latter one i dislike keyboard show downs, but i do think you have a point to a certain extent

 

Wasn't looking for a showdown -was simply pointing out that your assumptions can result in your getting in your own way.

[faraday]

I totally get what you mean. There are tons of mothers that don't act like mothers...kids always at the babysitter while mom is out partying.

 

I don't think those moms are the norm though...I mean...you see them more because they're out there to be seen.

 

Most of us, are home, doing the parenting thing without drama

 

the words were "she seemed different from other single moms that i've met", and how it seemed that way was because it seemed like she was always with her kid, spending alot of quality time with him and not out at the club, seemed like a hard worker, as she worked overtime quite a bit etc. compared to lots of single moms IVE met in my time most seemed the opposite, although i do know some there are single moms that are killing it and are like super women, just so you don't think i'm making a gross generalization about single moms...

[faraday]

I also wanted to add....I've seen a few posts about how he shouldn't be staying the night at all when the kid is present....

 

and I don't agree with that.

 

I think having one night stands over is horrible. I think bringing a revolving door of men around a child is horrible.

 

I think bringing a guy you're serious about around...is totally necessary. I'm not getting super serious about a guy until I know how he treats my daughter.

 

I am not religious, so I don't have any moral qualms about sex, and I'm fine with my daughter knowing that men that I love share my bed. Not randoms...but bfs that I think could be my potential husband and a step father to her.

 

My daughter was sad when my last ex and I broke up. He was a part of our lives for 2 1/2 years...but she had an opportunity to say good bye to him face to face, give him a hug, and say bye to his dog.... it's been a year...and she asked why my current bf doesn't have a dog "like that other guy" lol. She doesn't remember 2 1/2 year guys name...or his dogs name.

 

Honestly, it was a good opportunity for us to talk about how things change in our lives, and how change doesn't always have to be negative. We talked about how one day, we'll welcome someone else into our lives and our hearts...like we do when we meet new friends. And how sometimes friendships naturally fade out to nothing, sometimes we outgrow people and have to leave them behind so we can be true to ourselves...or sometimes there's a fight....but that it will be okay; we can be sad, we can say bye...and we can move forward with our lives.

 

The analogy translates into so many things. My daughter and I use it to say goodbye to toys we're donating, clothing that's too small...when we harvest our garden and cut down all the plants....because...we need to get rid of things to make space for new things: new toys, new clothes, warm sweaters, red falling crunchy leaves, snowmen, and new friends. And that's kind of neat. And...a really powerful life lesson.

 

Anyway, I think how and when to introduce a child to a new partner...and whether or not a partner will spend the night...is a very personal decision that should be based on the individual child, the relationship the parent shares with the child, the relationship between the parent and their new SO, their religious views, and how they themselves view change.

 

A mother knows their child....and they know how their child responds to things. They know how they want them to view things in life, in whichever way that they feel will give their child the best coping skills for when things change (because change happens).

 

In general anyway.

 

I do think the OPs gf is a bit odd in her parenting...but maybe she was raised by parents or grandparents from a different culture where the parents do sleep with the kids...who knows? She is doing the best to her abilities though- she sounds like she's a pretty caring mother...and wouldn't do anything to intentionally screw up her kid.

[Batya33]

I think that kids don't get dating -they get attached. On that I totally agree with Dr. Joy Browne as far as why to avoid sleepovers or letting a child get to know a parent's romantic partners before a long term commitment is very imminent. i don't think it's fair to subject a child to that kind of loss. JMHO. Obviously there are individual differences but I think it's a great approach most of the time (I have never been in that situation though -that is just what I would do). I think it is bordering on child abuse -and maybe abuse -to have a 7 year old in your bed while there's a man there who is not her father or stepfather or married to the mother especially if there is any intimacy going on. I am not blaming the OP for that since he is not the parent but he should not be involved in that situation. (I am not saying it is abuse by the way but it is borderline IMO)

[Ms Darcy]

I think that kids don't get dating -they get attached.

 

I agree with this. I dated a guy with kids for two years and when we broke up they cried like they were being killed. And I never spent the night when they were there either!

 

It made me rethink introductions to kids.

[faraday]

Depends on the kid. Maybe mine is a sociopath? She gets over things remarkably fast....but so do I...so idk.

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Batya33]

Depends on the kid. Maybe mine is a sociopath? She gets over things remarkably fast....but so do I...so idk.

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

 

She might get over things very fast. I am still a believer in not subjecting my child to "things" that are unnecessary -there are already a lot of things to get over when you're out and about in the world. Even if he would get over "it" fast I wouldn't know if there were lasting effects/consequence till much later. I can think of examples from my own childhood like that where I seemed to get over things fast but that's because the effects didn't show up till later. I am a believer in children having to go with the flow and get used to handling disappointments, changes, transitions which happens daily if your child is out and about and exposed to "real life". I don't agree that a child should have to handle sleeping in the same bed with a man who is involved with her mother.

[faraday]

She might get over things very fast. I am still a believer in not subjecting my child to "things" that are unnecessary -there are already a lot of things to get over when you're out and about in the world. Even if he would get over "it" fast I wouldn't know if there were lasting effects/consequence till much later. I can think of examples from my own childhood like that where I seemed to get over things fast but that's because the effects didn't show up till later. I am a believer in children having to go with the flow and get used to handling disappointments, changes, transitions which happens daily if your child is out and about and exposed to "real life". I don't agree that a child should have to handle sleeping in the same bed with a man who is involved with her mother.

 

I never said ANYTHING about sharing a bed with a random guy. The OP wasn't comfortable with it, and he told his gf no. You need to let the sharing bed thing go, because it's not what anyone except you is talking about.

 

 

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Batya33]

I never said ANYTHING about sharing a bed with a random guy. The OP wasn't comfortable with it, and he told his gf no. You need to let the sharing bed thing go, because it's not what anyone except you is talking about.

 

 

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

 

I know you did not and I never wrote that so please do let that go. I must have read the OP's post incorrectly -it was very wordy and long - although apparently the mother would be fine with the OP sharing the bed with them and that is very troubling.

 

Thanks so much for your kind suggestion!

[abitbroken]

I know you did not and I never wrote that so please do let that go. I must have read the OP's post incorrectly -it was very wordy and long - although apparently the mother would be fine with the OP sharing the bed with them and that is very troubling.

 

Thanks so much for your kind suggestion!

 

 

I took it as mom is crawling into the child's bed and leaving the OP alone in the girlfriend's bed alone while he is there, and the sleeping alone while at her house for a sleepover is the point of contention.

[gardnergirl2]

Personally, I would not feel comfortable sleeping with her in front of her child and not being married, but that is me and I am very, very old fashioned for today's world. But, this woman does not have her act together. Many of us single moms do. she does not....bottom line... but you can choose if you want to stay or not.