jcaves80 Posted October 22, 2014 Author Share Posted October 22, 2014 omg thnk you for this!!!! Im so sick of people harping on that!! Especially when i said the kid doesnt sleep with us!!! i never said anything about sharing a bed with a random guy. The op wasn't comfortable with it, and he told his gf no. You need to let the sharing bed thing go, because it's not what anyone except you is talking about. Sent from my ipad using tapatalk Link to comment
jcaves80 Posted October 22, 2014 Author Share Posted October 22, 2014 Thank you for this !! very sound advice Personally, I would not feel comfortable sleeping with her in front of her child and not being married, but that is me and I am very, very old fashioned for today's world. But, this woman does not have her act together. Many of us single moms do. she does not....bottom line... but you can choose if you want to stay or not. Link to comment
jcaves80 Posted October 22, 2014 Author Share Posted October 22, 2014 Yeah single moms like yourself are VERY rare, just reading that i can tell you have your together, but like you said ones like yourself are too busy being at home and doing what yours supposed to be doing to i need to be careful when i make these generalizations Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 I think you need to leave her, and to address your Captain Save a /// mentality. Maybe it's your way of not having to be rejected? Because you just pick people who are doing worse than you, and this way, it feels like you can't be judged? Just taking a stab here. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 omg thnk you for this!!!! Im so sick of people harping on that!! Especially when i said the kid doesnt sleep with us!!! Sorry about the error -your original post had a long stream of complaints about her situation and how it affects you. I think it's fine if she doesn't want you in the same bed with her while her child is around even if the child were to sleep in a separate room. As far as her decision to have her daughter in her bed, her child has to come first -you are her boyfriend and while you are important to her in a different way there's no comparison relative to her child. Link to comment
faraday Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 I took it as mom is crawling into the child's bed and leaving the OP alone in the girlfriend's bed alone while he is there, and the sleeping alone while at her house for a sleepover is the point of contention. I'm not a believer in feng shui, but I love interior design. A few years ago I read an article about the laws of feng shui , and one of them is that a bed of someone who is in a couple or seeking to be part of a couple, should never be placed with a side against the wall because it's not allowing the flow of energy to permit two people to easily get into the bed. The gf sleeping with her son reminds me of that rule. It's like....she's using her son to prevent someone else from entering "the bed" (metaphorical bed because the op was literally in a different bed)...it just....seems like maybe she's not ready to date....and let someone else in. Sharing a bed is an incredibly intimate experience. Being vulnerable when we're sleeping is the ultimate act of trust...and it doesn't seem like she's open to that. Or....her kid has a lot of issues....or she lets her kid control her. Either way, not good. One of my former clients lets her 11 year old son sleep with her every night. It started out with him having nightmares, and now he claims to have them every night if he's not sleeping with her. I think it's incredibly dysfunctional. They watch tv in bed every night together....like...the news and walking dead...and...it seems like she's using him to fill a void because...she's not ready to date. He's a "the man of the house", a pseudo spouse. And because of their weird relationship, he can manipulate her into pretty much anything because "he's such an angel"...even though he was kicked out of two different schools...it was everyone else fault..."they just didn't understand him." *eye roll* My daughter would LOVE to sleep with me every night. I don't let her (unless she's sick or in pain) because....she's not my spouse.... and I (even when single) didn't want to use her as a crutch for my loneliness. It would have been comforting (to me) to let her sleep with me...but I believe it's in her best interest to sleep independently. Not only do we both get a better quality of sleep, but she knows it's okay to be by yourself....and then when I do have a bf, I'm not "kicking her out of bed" for a guy...I mean, what kind of message is that to send to a kid? Anyway, that's the end of sleep theories lol. I think with all the other red flags, the OP should probably get out while he can and find someone more emotionally available and better able to function in mainstream society. Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Link to comment
gardnergirl2 Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 Hey jcaves- I didn't mean to sound preachy- just sharing a perspective, that like I said, I know now a days, I am a weirdo...lol.... I am a religious person, and I also know that makes me weird in the current world we live in. that's ok. I don't mind being weird if I think it is truly in the best interest of my child. I guess I also think, having a teenager, how can I tell him what I expect of him in that department when he, although he may not say it out loud, will, in typical teenage fashion think....but YOU.....lol.... Like someone else said, there are a lot of single moms who do have their act together, but yes, there are some who you hear about on the news for example that have been dating a man 20 minutes and leave him alone with her kids. Things like that indicate poor decision making and lack of maturity to me. And, yes, kids do get attached- so you don't want a revolving door. I just feel, based on what you said, this woman is looking possibly for someone to help her out financially (I could be wrong, but doesn't sound like she is stable). Just a lot to consider for you, but I hope it turns out well for everyone involved whatever way you may choose to go. Link to comment
faraday Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 I actually thought your post was good, and it didn't come off as preachy On the 20 minute thing! So I was on a first meet with a guy from eH and he was talking about "maybe for our next date, we can take you're little one to a movie." and I explained that, no, that would not be happening until several months in...that I don't think it's appropriate for her to meet someone until things are serious, it's been several months, and I feel like they'll be a part of our lives for a while. He replied that was good with him- he met another single mom the week before who asked him to pick her up at her house (for a first meet), and when he showed up, she wasn't ready- she had her 2 year old buckled into a bucket seat (????They outgrow those at less than a year???) and asked him to watch the kid while she did her make up. Meanwhile the kid is screaming...and wanting to be let out...and the date is awkwardly trying to calm the kid down, while the mom is "screaming, "shut your mouth x, eat your cookie."...when she finished her make up, she wanted him to drive the kid to the sitters house. I would have ran out of the date, but he stuck it out. She must have been really hot. It's mothers like that...*sigh* Link to comment
jcaves80 Posted October 23, 2014 Author Share Posted October 23, 2014 its not a girl and at first he was crawling into bed with us , but i put a stop to that real quick thats why shes goes in his room now. hope this is now cleared up Sorry about the error -your original post had a long stream of complaints about her situation and how it affects you. I think it's fine if she doesn't want you in the same bed with her while her child is around even if the child were to sleep in a separate room. As far as her decision to have her daughter in her bed, her child has to come first -you are her boyfriend and while you are important to her in a different way there's no comparison relative to her child. Link to comment
jcaves80 Posted October 23, 2014 Author Share Posted October 23, 2014 wasnt preachy at all , twas actually VERY sound advice i appreciated it Link to comment
jcaves80 Posted October 23, 2014 Author Share Posted October 23, 2014 Yeah I get the same Vibe as well , and I feel its just like faraday said that her son fills a void in her life because shes constantly alone and constantly being left by men , not to mention used and abused Link to comment
jcaves80 Posted October 23, 2014 Author Share Posted October 23, 2014 You are dead on , her son manipulates her quite a bit , and he claims he's afaird of the dark even though he sleeps alone at his dads all the time, and he is def filling a void in her life because she's constantly alone and getting left not to mention used and abused Link to comment
jcaves80 Posted October 23, 2014 Author Share Posted October 23, 2014 you might be right about this, hence why i never approach women lol , might need to start now, but yeah i do have a horrible case of capn save a hoe no questions I think you need to leave her, and to address your Captain Save a /// mentality. Maybe it's your way of not having to be rejected? Because you just pick people who are doing worse than you, and this way, it feels like you can't be judged? Just taking a stab here. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 You are dead on , her son manipulates her quite a bit , and he claims he's afaird of the dark even though he sleeps alone at his dads all the time, and he is def filling a void in her life because she's constantly alone and getting left not to mention used and abused The son has very real insecurities and fears by not having a stable home. Dad is out of the picture, at least in his home life and mom has a man sleeping in her bed on occasion. Who knows if you are the first since Dad. And with her financial situation, who knows how chaotic the rest of her life actually is that rubs off on the kid. At any rate, her job now is to make her child feel safe and secure. That doesn't mean sleeping with him, but being his protector by allowing the home to be the child's territory and safe place and if she chooses to play sleepover, she does it on nights the child is not present and not playing house with anyone either. The child is clearly not in a stable and healed place. There may be divorced moms with kids where the kid feels very safe and secure, is older/the parents coparent and have made sure the child feels absolutely secure, has routines and boundaries, etc, and therefore when the mom meets someone she is very serious about, the guy can slowly become a part of the child's life rather than it being a messed up situation. Link to comment
jcaves80 Posted October 24, 2014 Author Share Posted October 24, 2014 Good point but it has to start somewhere, i mean me and her have been together for 1.5 years, but i do see where you are coming from Link to comment
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