sidburn Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 I'm in my mid-20s and have been with my gf for a couple years and since our relationship was mostly long distance (Texas to Cali, until we closed the gap in June), the honeymoon phase probably lasted longer than usual. We have been talking about moving in together and getting engaged very seriously, but lately I have not only noticed just how much I need my alone time, it seems like all her flaws that I either ignored or didn't care about have surfaced all at once, and I am now having serious second thoughts about the future of our relationship. The relationship overall is great, but I don't know if it's something that can last the rest of our lives. Here are some of the things that worry me: - she has a temper/attitude, but rarely directs it at me (so far) - she showers only a couple times a week - she has a weight problem, which she says she's working on but often is "too tired" to exercise and has milkshakes and other junk food fairly often - she has a family history of depression and suicide attempts, and even seriously considered suicide in her teenage years - I'm overall lukewarm to apprehensive on her family. I neither love nor hate them, but I can easily see her mother becoming the MIL that everyone dreads. Also, they seem on the whole to be unmotivated, lazy, and immature, and although she complains about these qualities, I see them in her too. - I've found myself missing single life and very unsure if I want to give that up permanently, but also hesitant to end the relationship. Cheating is not an option with my personal set of morals, so it's either be single, free, and unsure, or remain in the relationship and stay "comfortable". I realize that I'm relatively young and inexperienced, so I would like some advice from others who have been in similar situations. Is this a normal stage, or should I be concerned? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 How long have you dated her in person? What is her reason for not showering more often (does she have very dry skin?). How often have you invited her to go for a brisk walk or run with you, or a hike? You need to decide for you what qualities are important to you and decide that if she doesn't change in these areas whether you nevertheless can accept her for the long term. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 This are legit red flags and you should be concerned. The fact that most of your relationship has been long distance ---- and now you are looking at living together AND getting engaged, is also a red flag. You should live in the same proximity, and date. Because long distance and normal dating is a big enough step. Her hygiene, her temper, her temperment ----- combined with you liking alone time.....calls for moving slowly forward. Not jumping into stage 4 from stage 1. Link to comment
sidburn Posted October 2, 2014 Author Share Posted October 2, 2014 About my family concerns: how true is the phrase "you marry the family, not just them"? Also, is there any truth to the notion that a girl will usually resemble her mom in appearance and personality when she gets older? Link to comment
Tinydance Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 Well it sounds from everything you're saying that you don't even really like her that much lol I mean if you're already unhappy with so many things now, are they really likely to change in future? Also, how bad is her weight problem? Like, is she obese? Sorry if I'm being judgemental, I realise that I don't actually know you, but if you're judging her on her weight, maybe you're being kind of shallow? I just think, it's OK to encourage your partner to lose weight if it poses a health risk to them, but if it's really a skinny girl you're looking for and she's not that, then don't waste your time and hers. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 I do think you marry the family too especially if you want children and especially if your spouse is close to her family. I don't think it's true about what "girls" become. You are dating an adult woman who makes her own choices. Right now she is choosing not to take care of herself physically so that will affect her appearance and personality. Link to comment
sidburn Posted October 2, 2014 Author Share Posted October 2, 2014 Well it sounds from everything you're saying that you don't even really like her that much lol I mean if you're already unhappy with so many things now, are they really likely to change in future? Also, how bad is her weight problem? Like, is she obese? Sorry if I'm being judgemental, I realise that I don't actually know you, but if you're judging her on her weight, maybe you're being kind of shallow? I just think, it's OK to encourage your partner to lose weight if it poses a health risk to them, but if it's really a skinny girl you're looking for and she's not that, then don't waste your time and hers. She's 60-70 lbs overweight and became that way due to a health condition. I'd be lying if I denied that part if my concern is her physical attractiveness, but I am also very concerned about her health. Both of our families have a history of diabetes and/or heart disease. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 - she has a temper/attitude, but rarely directs it at me (so far) You're likely to be next. - she showers only a couple times a week No and not ok - she has a weight problem, which she says she's working on but often is "too tired" to exercise and has milkshakes and other junk food fairly often. "]This will not change, or at least not easily. But I suspect she was this weight when you first met her and you were attracted to her then? So it's an issue now? she has a family history of depression and suicide attempts, and even seriously considered suicide in her teenage years. Seriously think twice if you are wanting a family with this person. Emotional issues of hers and her families will spill over into your family life. Do not underestimate this!- A pattern of family members with depression is typically either genetic or environmental. . Neither a good sign! I'm overall lukewarm to apprehensive on her family. I neither love nor hate them, but I can easily see her mother becoming the MIL that everyone dreads. Also, they seem on the whole to be unmotivated, lazy, and immature, and although she complains about these qualities, I see them in her too. This is her family of origin. Though you may be able to have a separate relationship with her the environment she grew up in shapes who she is. Again, don't underestimate this. I've found myself missing single life and very unsure if I want to give that up permanently, but also hesitant to end the relationship. Cheating is not an option with my personal set of morals, so it's either be single, free, and unsure, or remain in the relationship and stay "comfortable". This may be cold feet. . But with everything you mentioned. . You should carefully consider your next move.................................. Link to comment
Tinydance Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 Oh wow, OK, that is a lot. I'm from Australia and actually had to convert the pounds to kilograms lol Well I think the question you have to ask yourself is, are you happy? I just broke up with my partner too because just like you I really idolised them at first but then a few months into the relationship it dawned on me that all these things about them weren't working for me. It's OK if you're starting to be not attracted to her or unhappy in the relationship, that's not your fault. But I think you have to be honest with yourself about how you really feel about her. Usually when you can't picture a future with someone, it's because something is not right in the relationship. I had exactly the same thing where I couldn't imagine a future together and I ended the relationship. Link to comment
Clinton Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 It really sounds like you aren't that in love with her. You want to change too many things. A lot of people have trouble with weight and that may never change for her Also someone with a temper usually keeps their temper. I'd say get out now At the very least continue to date but don't move in and don't get engaged You need to find out if you are really compatible Link to comment
t1lersm0m1 Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 Did her weight not bother you before you started cohabitating? I have two friends who don't shower often and I'm kinda envious. I have to shower daily due to my oily hair and it's annoying. However, don't think I'd EVER go DAYS. Link to comment
Lester Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 You said, stay "comfortable" - Translation: You're wasting time. Living together is another get waste of time. Adding bills and chores certainly won't make you love or hate her but instead just kick the can down the road. Make your hard decisions today... Would you marry her today? Link to comment
sidburn Posted October 2, 2014 Author Share Posted October 2, 2014 t1lersm0m1, it didn't at first, since she always said she had plans to slim down. And we're not cohabitating yet, but have been on the precipice of doing so lately. Link to comment
NIN2000 Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 I'd run if I was you. A history of family depression and suicide attempts is a huge red flag. In addition, her temper eventually will be directed at you. But if you find yourself missing single life then you are not ready for this girl or any other. There is no need to cheat, just move on. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 I think you have enough red flags to walk away to be honest. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 I think you know the answer to this, but are afraid to go through the unpleasantness of breaking up. But breaking up? Yeah, you aren't in love with this girl, you don't even sound like you like her. Putting aside all of her problems if you were head over heels they wouldn't really phase you--well except maybe the showering twice a week--that's just unacceptable in my books period. And probably an indication of a depressive state as well may be the weight issue if she's using food to soothe and self-medicate. And that temper will be turned on you sooner or later. People with a bad temper can't control it and sooner or later that cat slips out of its bag at you too, so to speak. You are too young to be contemplating marriage at this point. It is for life and if you see these things and already don't like them then 10 x them after you're married and she feels she no longer has to maintain any least bit of care in how she presents herself to you and world since it's game over--she's got you. My advice is you let her go now, because the longer you wait the more traumatic it will be for both of you. Yes, she may cry or lose her temper, possibly even threaten suicide even to which your only response should be to call 9-1-1 or her therapist. You can't be responsible for someone else's mental state or treatments, that is solely on them. Right now you are young, you do not have kids or property together, I see no clear and compelling reason why you would stay. If it's fear of the unknown then you need to get over that, and fast, because that's really all life is about--the unknown. None of us know what is coming around the bend day-to-day, but you can predict a future based on current and past facts. So your future with this woman is going to be you ending up with someone who is probably depressed, health problems due to poor eating habits and a lack of exercise, a bad temper, has a mother you already see as problematic and who won't maintain even the most basic hygiene standards. That's your future and that's your wife if you marry this girl. The rest is up to you. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 About my family concerns: how true is the phrase "you marry the family, not just them"? Also, is there any truth to the notion that a girl will usually resemble her mom in appearance and personality when she gets older? Generalizations about this aren't useful, but it sounds as though in her case, her relatives and upbringing are already deeply ingrained in her. She hasn't improved her eating and bathing habits, which--forget red flags--I'd consider this a giant neon sign that her depression has never cleared. You don't owe anyone the responsibility of becoming her social worker, therapist or parent. It's fortunate that you managed to close the distance gap without cohabiting, because if you think any of this stuff will get 'better' from such a move, you'll be making a huge mistake. Link to comment
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