Is my boyfriend verbally abusive or just "teasing" me?

[lavenderdove]

the interesting thing is that sometimes very brash people such as your BF seek out passive people on purpose, because they like being 'in charge'. And part of being 'in charge' may be wanting to control every interaction between you as well (i.e., he will have a running commentary whenever you do anything he doesn't like, whether that is openly or in passive aggressive humor of the 'i was just kidding' mode).

 

I personally find the examples you gave in your first post to be pretty annoying. I'm not a passive person at all, but I would speak up if someone said some of the things he did. For example, if i went out and bought him a drink, and i came back and he started criticizing me for what i brought him, i'd say, 'if you are so picky and don't like what happened, then you can get your own drink next time.' In other words, don't play his game!

 

People who have that kind of snarky sense of humor enjoy getting a rise out of other people and 'scoring' a hit on them rather than just enjoying a laugh together. So they are dramatic and really push the limits of rudeness because they do enjoy getting someone else's goat. So the way to deal with it is to stop playing. Don't let him score points off of you by saying these kinds of things. You need to learn to respond and express our feelings rather than feeling bad. For example, if he does the thing where he grabs your throat, even in jest, you knock his hands off you and say, 'hey, you know that's not funny, especially with my background of violence. don't joke about choking people because it s not funny.'

 

And i do think he needs to grow up some. This kind of 'humor' is really kind of juvenile. But he may never grow up, some people don't and are stuck in a kind of frat boy humor zone forever.

 

I think you should try to work with him by calling his bluff every time he crosses the line. And if he doesn't cut back on it, pretty soon he will probably get angry because if his real goal is passive aggression or a controlling personality where he is trying to get your goat in order to feel powerful, he will not enjoy you taking your own power back and standing up for yourself. At that point you might make the decision to leave, if he doesn't modulate the more obnoxious behavior.

 

I married a man who behaved like this, and I tried not to let it get to me, but eventually i just found it downright annoying and obnoxious and realized how juvenile and immature he was compared to me. This is 'big kid' humor he's doing, and if you're a more mature/serious person, it WILL really bug you if he doesn't stop it. So i think you need a careful evaluation of how annoying you find it, and whether this will be something you can tolerate if he doesn't agree to stop.

 

Good relationships are about negotiation of differences to find a place you are both happy and comfortable with. But if you can't find that comfort zone together, then it really is about incompatibility.

 

And personally re: the other posters comments, i don't think you are overly sensitive. I think you are someone with a history of violence which means you do not find aggressive/violent mocking acceptable (and you shouldn't), in addition to having a medical condition where you need to try to stay calm and unstressed. And if his juvenile humor/passive aggression is constantly stressing you, you need to probably make the call to move on if he won't agree to try to tone it down. Extreme sarcasm and mocking/juvenile humor is really the exception, not the norm in most adults past 30. Some people are really into it, but most are not.

[abitbroken]

Honestly, I would dump him. My emotionally and verbally abusive ex started out like this guy - the hip "sarcastic" guy with the "too sensitive" girlfriend. Honestly, if a man put his hands around my throat like that, I would be so gone. No matter if he is abusive or not, if you feel like you are walking on eggshells, are constantly hurt by his comments and just aren't having fun, there are other fish in the sea. You can find a kind, considerate guy who would never think about putting his hands around a woman's throat even in jest and doesn't come off like a self entitled jerk. People put their BEST foot forward at the beginning of the relationship, just remember that. This is his best foot. Let him find a brash, sarcastic girl who dishes it out. But he probably won't, he will probably find another passive girl.

[lavenderdove]

>> You can find a kind, considerate guy who would never think about putting his hands around a woman's throat even in jest

 

Yes, i found that part very disturbing. It is an extremely odd thing to do when all she did was say it was time for her to go home. Perhaps he wanted to have sex that night and was annoyed she was leaving, and gives a passive aggressive and vaguely threatening response because his desire was thwarted. I don't find that exchange harmless or funny at all. It was vaguely threatening and weird. A normal response would be to just tell her he wished she stay a little longer, or asking her to stay a little longer, not putting his hands on her neck to mock choking her.

[Longview01]

I actually laughed at no 3 because its the sort of thing I would say.

 

I'd say all of it you are too sensitive apart from the strangling stuff....that's abit weird

[Capttrae]

What he's saying sounds a lot like me and my ex gf, we would just plain dog cuss each other the whole time both of us knowing that we were just joking around.

 

 

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[abitbroken]

What he's saying sounds a lot like me and my ex gf, we would just plain dog cuss each other the whole time both of us knowing that we were just joking around.

 

 

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But you both have that kind of personality. The OP does not. She wants her boyfriend to be sincere. And by the way, she is an ex, isn't she? Honestly, that kind of conversation just grates on you after awhile when the other person IS having a serious moment where they do crave support and comfort and not a brash remark.

[Capttrae]

But you both have that kind of personality. The OP does not. She wants her boyfriend to be sincere. And by the way, she is an ex, isn't she? Honestly, that kind of conversation just grates on you after awhile when the other person IS having a serious moment where they do crave support and comfort and not a brash remark.

 

A bit off topic but the reason she's an ex is bc I caught her cheating while I was at work. If you've been w/ your SO for any amount of time you can tell by their body language and expressions what kind of mood they are in and know when it's appropriate and when it's not if you'll just watch a little.

 

 

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[gone]

I haven't read all the replies, but the general theme here of the responses seems to be of 2 different camps:

 

1) the people who say your BF is abusive, it will escalate, RUN!

 

and

 

2) the people who relate to your BF's sarcasm and say it's harmless jokes. Worse case scenario you're just not compatible, but implication there you can "change" and let this "bother you less" (which I don't think you should need to, personally)

 

My take, being in abusive relationships before, is this:

 

-what matters most is how this is making YOU feel

-if this does escalate over time (especially the more committed you are/ the more you have to lose (ie if you live together or get married) - this is a sign it is abuse.

-what also matters is how much responsibility he actually takes for comments he apologizes for and/or for comments you tell him you find hurtful. Does he minimize and avoid blame? Red flags if he does. Does he apologize and then repeat the behavior? Red flags. Or does he try to adjust and compromise?

-Also, is he making jokes at your expense?

 

Looking back on my last ex, never in a million years would I have suspected he was an abuser; his abuse was so subtle at the beginning that it took me a long time to fully see it. After I gained perspective, I started to see that the groundwork for abuse was laid before the abuse started. You're going to want to make sure groundwork for abuse is not starting, because, guess what? Abusers abuse when they want to - which means abuse may not be apparent during the earlier stages where the abuser is sizing you up and does not yet feel comfortable enough to unleash the beast within.

[SweetSag]

Sounds to me like he thinks you might be too serious about EVERYTHING all the time, and he gets bored with that, so he makes silly jokes to like he said "lighten the mood". You're taking this way too serious , by even THINKING he may be abusive. As far as him putting his hands around your neck some guys are just the aggressive type like that. He wasn't trying to actually hurt you. Stop being so serious about everything all the time.

 

BTW the free tickets joke was funny lol. Cheer up hun

[Kaiser_Soze]

I love this place... so many people are quick to say break it off with someone for the smallest things, then you read their past post and it's like "my boyfriend slept with my mom and burned my house down, is there any chance I can get him back?" This guy is by no means verbally abusive (at least based on what you wrote). I think you are lacking a little confidence is all. I'm not sure how a relationship without the playfulness would feel, I bet pretty boring. If I were him I would start to feel tired of apologizing for the smallest things and would really be worried about how easily you get hurt. BTW He told me that your feet stink and you can't read good! just kidding... see that's not so bad right?

[Jewels7]

Maybe he just does have a sarcastic sense of humor and your personalities are just so different. If you feel constantly hurt all the time, you may one to think about what you really need in a relationship and whether his behavior is a deal breaker for you. It is about compromise so you shouldn't be the only one working to change. If in the end you feel like you are the only one trying then maybe you aren't compatible as much as I know that hurts to think about.

 

As for him putting his hands around your neck... I know someone people say it is joking but that freaks me out because of my ex. He used to joke and even rough house with me all in the name of "playing" which included covering my nose and mouth and burning my arm hairs off with a lighter as well as other things. He also threatened violence. But at the same time my ex did have anger issues and a long history of fighting. It took me three years to realize I was abused because like other posters said it can begin so subtle.

 

All in all just be very observant and decide if these things are deal breakers for you. Also listen to that tiny gut feeling that you may have.

[BobbieMae]

Please get the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. You will be glad you did. Even though to some he sounds harmless and they suggest you are being sensitive, your gut is telling you something and it would not hurt to keep your eyes and ears open. Usually men who are abusive give subtle hints in the beginning of the relationship of what is to come on a grander scale.

 

I wish I had listened to my gut and not ignored the red flags.

 

Take care of yourself.

[kath]

lavenderdove has already pretty much said exactly what I wanted to say. I don't think you're being too sensitive either, and don't understand why almost everyone seems to think that you are. The strangling joke bothers me a lot and isn't funny in any way.

 

I wouldn't quite go as far as call your boyfriend abusive (at least not yet - though it's fishy), unless he's done and said other stuff we're not aware of, but he's definitely insensitive. In my opinion if your partner tells you that they don't appreciate a certain type of jokes or comments and find them hurtful, you stop. Because to continue would mean that you're being hurtful while knowing it. It doesn't really matter much whether or not he apologizes afterwards if he continues. Apologies don't count for much if you keep on doing the thing you know your partner hates.

[Pyretta Blaze]

This thread bothered me so much that I registered to respond to it. I'm in my 40's now, and will tell you something that I wish to god someone had told me 20 years ago....

 

1) It's not being "too sensitive" to expect to be treated with common courtesy, especially not by a romantic partner or a friend. To claim otherwise is gaslighting, and nothing else.

 

2) If they won't treat you with at least as much consideration and respect as they'd show a complete stranger on the street, yes, that's a sign of flawed character, alright.... THEIRS. Don't let them pretend that you being hurt by their vile remarks is a sign that something is wrong with you, and if they claim it is, know that what they're doing is psychological projection and nothing else.

 

3) No, you shouldn't have to sit there and give yourself little "oh, but he didn't MEAN it..." pep talks to rationalize his behavior after he's been rude and disrespectful, because yes, he WAS rude and disrespectful, and NO, that is NOT OK.

 

4) If someone considers treating people with common courtesy to be the same thing as "walking on eggshells", then they need to go live in a trackless wilderness somewhere, where good, decent people won't have to put up with their crap.

 

5) If a man doesn't make you feel safe and loved, what's the point in being in a romantic relationship with him at all? Barring those two things, a romantic relationship has absolutely nothing to offer you that you couldn't get just as easily from a decent vibrator, a friend to split the rent with, and (if you want children) a sperm bank.

 

6) Someone who is perpetually trying to "lighten the mood" by being rude and disrespectful whenever things get genuine, sincere, and real between the two of you is virtually guaranteed to have a profound problem with emotional intimacy. If this is the case, why are you wasting your time on him? (See #5).

[Vexna]

Um, this sounds like someone inching his way to becoming at best, emotionally abusive. And that remark about strangling you and then miming it--be really careful. In fact, I would have left him over that, because working in a woman's shelter that's what many people told me was the first warning sign of physical abuse to come. Joking and "playing" around about physically hurting their partner and then later it escalated to actually doing it. You are finding yourself hurt way too often by this guy, he's looking for ways to put you down and isn't stopping now is it? No matter how often you say to stop it just keeps doing it, in fact escalating now to joking about physical abuse. That's not normal.

 

My take is you have an abusive person who is pushing the boundaries to a) see what you'll put up with and b) inch his way to more and more abuse. I'd tell you to leave, but you probably won't since you didn't when he put his hands around your neck. Plus my guess is you keep shouting down that little voice in the pit of your stomach that's telling you that you should end things and walk away now and you're just hoping strangers will tell you to ignore what you know. Not this one. No one who is normal and sane "jokes" about hurting another human being, they just don't. That's not teasing, it's hinting.

 

Take my advice to get out now while you still can.

 

I had a tough time with this one, but I have to go on ParisPaulettes advice here. The strangling thing was it for me. It sonds like he says things he really means but then gets a grip on himself and "Oops, better smooth this one over". Also, verbal abuse is amongst other things putting you down in front of people. I think it sounds like he means what he says but is just too scared of losing you so he smooths it over but your gut feeling tells you the truth and that's why you're asking us here.

 

Is he young? He sounds young, like max 22-23? At that age they're insecure enough to apologize afterwards but later in life that stops and it's just abusive.

 

In your shoes I'd tell him that either he stops or you're out the door and that you MEAN it! And be serious when you tell him and donät tell him you asked on a forum cause he can hold that against you.

 

Worst case scenario, this can lead to an abusive relationship, starting of verbally and then escalating with time into physical. Finally you're so broken down due to his insecurities that you'll never be the same again.

 

You're worth better, little missy!

[Capricorn3]

Thread three years old and the OP has never returned. Thread closed.