Is my boyfriend verbally abusive or just "teasing" me?

[reinventmyself]

It sounds like a little of both here. You are sensitive and you own that and are willing to work on it.

 

He sounds sarcastic and a little insensitive but it does appear that this is something that could every well escalate with him in time.

 

Your relationship is still fairly fresh and you can both navigate this if you both are on board to try.

 

However I would watch him carefully because this is typically how abusive relationships can start. They test you to see what they can get away with and it tends to escalate.

 

It doesn't appear to be that way now. .but it could go that direction.

. . or not. . .too soon to tell.

[weathergirl]

Re bold, I agree with that...but in "this" case, since he always came back and told her he was teasing, joking and then proceeded to reassure her how much he loves her, how happy he is with her and their RL, etc., I see no ill intent here. It's clear that once he realized his comments hurt her...he felt bad and apologized...and then reassured her. I could be wrong of course...I am just going from what viva has told us.

 

Yes his sarcasm IS over-the-top (at least for HER)...for ME it would not be because I'm sarcastic also and would have no problem dishing it right back.

 

No wrong or right here IMO...their personality styles are just DIFFERENT, and they may not be right for each other in the long term.

[reinventmyself]

"" I agree with that...but in "this" case, since he always came back and told her he was teasing, joking and then proceeded to reassure her how much he loves her, how happy he is with her"

 

But if you read up on verbal abuse this could be considered text book. Sarcasm and teasing, followed up with `I was only kidding, teasing and you're too sensitive" is dismissive of her feelings and makes her doubt herself. In turn she may chose not to speak up the next time and the biting comments escalate and it turns into a viscous cycle.

 

NOT saying this is what's going on . . but it is a fine line between the two. Too early to tell. Just MHO.

 

came back to add. .I can be sarcastic and enjoy teasing. .But I choose my audience carefully. Everyone interprets things differently.

[weathergirl]

viva... I read your original post and something you wrote stood out to me (below).

 

>>On the other hand, it feels like he resents me or doesn't like my behavior, and uses teasing and sarcasm as a way dealing with it.

 

Why do you feel he resents you and does not like your behavior? Where is that coming from? I get the sense you're not feeling that way "because" of the teasing...I am sensing you feel that way (for other reasons)...and you are associating his teasing you as some form of passive/aggression instead of discussing with you what YOU perceive is his resentment.

 

I say this because you mentioned he's been teasing and joking with you from the VERY FIRST DATE and you had NO problem with it....even enjoyed it!

 

So what's changed between then and now that suddenly caused you to become uncomfortable with it?

[lavenderdove]

>>he always came back and told her he was teasing, joking and then proceeded to reassure her how much he loves her,

 

Oh, plenty of verbal (and physical) abusers do that... 'i didn't really mean it honey. i was just kidding. i didn't really mean it. why are you so sensitive? you know i love you more than anything' and on and on when they are saying or doing things they KNOW bother and hurt their partner. That's known as gaslighting and is toxic behavior in a relationship.

 

So that's the point. He is more interested and flipping off sarcastic comments that he knows hurt his partner than he is on dialing back on the sarcasm because he knows it hurts her and wants her to feel happy and loved. If he REALLY wanted her to be happy and feel loved and he KNOWS what he is saying hurts her (and does it again and again and all the time even though she's asked him not to), then it means he isn't interested in caring about her feelings and is more interested in getting his digs in.

 

I can guarantee that if my partner said that something i said felt abusive and hurt him, i would never ever do it again, and if i slipped and did it, i would immediately apologize and try harder not to hurt his feelings. That is what being considerate is about. He can be as sarcastic as he pleases with other people if they think it is funny, but he DOES need to be sensitive to his partner's feelings and respect them.

[weathergirl]

Good points lavender! I guess since my bf treats me this way (and vice versa... and it's ALL done in good fun and with love, I am projecting his behavior on to viva's boyfriend and presuming the same thing. My bad.

 

However, that said... and in defense of viva's boyfriend...from what she's written, I didn't see where her boyfriend becomes defensive saying things like "why are you so sensitive?" He acknowledges she's sensitive and he apologizes, and goes to great lengths to reassure her.

 

But then again...he continues doing it KNOWING it's hurtful to viva and that's wrong!

 

So good points lavender...something for me to think about.

[weathergirl]

I still think there is MORE to this story (and to how viva is feeling) .. than just him being sarcastic.

 

The teasing and sarcasm is a "symptom" of a much bigger "disease" IMO. Something that goes much deeper than him teasing her and making sarcastic comments.

 

The fact he has behaved this way from the get-go and she enjoyed it (up until the last month) leads me to think this.

[vivo ergo pati]

I understand your viewpoint and tend to agree with you. I get very uptight about jokes about violence in general and violence towards women. I dealt with domestic violence between my mother and father growing up, so I don't find the jokes even remotely funny. I have never told him I don't appreciate the strangling jokes, so part of it is my fault.

 

And your response was just as important to me as the others. I've experienced so much hurt as a result of the teasing and sarcasm that I began to wonder if I was being abused and I was just denying it. I still wonder that even now. Which is why I know it's important for us to establish boundaries and get him to tone down the teasing. Because I know I can't build a life with someone that makes me feel like dirt when I go home.

[vivo ergo pati]

I still think there is MORE to this story (and to how viva is feeling) .. than just him being sarcastic.

 

The teasing and sarcasm is a "symptom" of a much bigger "disease" IMO. Something that goes much deeper than him teasing her and making sarcastic comments.

 

The fact he has behaved this way from the get-go and she enjoyed it (up until the last month) leads me to think this.

 

He has brought to my attention several times that he feels like I take him for granted. Part of that included him paying for everything, making plans, doing a lot of cooking, etc. I was happy to let him do these things at first because I thought it was making him happy. When I found out that was not the case, I made a 180 and began asserting myself in the relationship. He still pays for most everything (I'd say we're at about 75/25 now), but I have really tried to pitch in more.

 

I can look back at almost all of those comments and see something behind them that he may find hurtful and can't communicate to me in a healthy way.

 

From my first post:

 

1. Saying "you're welcome" sarcastically indicated to me that he feels like I'm still taking him for granted.

2. Joking about me getting him the wrong size drink indicated to me that he feels like I'm not a good listener.

3. Telling his friend that I'm "lucky to have him" rather than the other way around indicated to me that he's not lucky to have me, but sees me as a burden.

4. Joking about bad traffic in the city indicates to me he thinks I need to toughen up.

5. Violent jokes seem to be part of his repertoire, but they still make me question our relationship.

 

He never says anything like "you're too sensitive". When I tell him I'm hurt, he doesn't undermine my feelings. I've never once felt that way. But I still feel hurt regardless.

[mhowe]

1. Yes, just because it was free ---- it went and got it to give to you.

2. Yes, indicates you not listening.

 

The other ones --- meh. I think you are too sensitive and your feelings are hurt easily.

[vivo ergo pati]

I guess I should have known better than to post about my problems on the Internet. It seems to me that is a big red flag in-and-of itself. It is not helpful to me to hear that I'm "too sensitive" or that I'm taking this "way too hard". I have been this way all of my life and I know I can't change much. I've tried pretty damn hard in the past. I find the only people that don't hurt my feelings with their stupid jokes are people I don't care about. Those roll off my back like nothing! But when I get it from family or especially my spouse, I break down.

 

I guess what saddens me the most is the thought that we really are incompatible. I think he has just as high expectations for this relationship as I had. He discusses life plans with me. He talks about moving outwest and taking me with him (which I would love). He's told me flat-out that he's serious about me and invested in the relationship. I think this is part of why I resist letting it go... but if this is something that is truly unsolvable, then it's something we both need to accept so we can stop clinging to the wrong relationship and move forward.

 

I'm willing to be honest with him about my feelings and relationship doubts. The best I can hope for is some willingness on his part to change hurtful behavior. Because I really don't think I have it in me to de-sensitive myself to his jokes and sarcasm. Maybe a little, but not enough for the long haul.

[mhowe]

You can change if you want to....if you don't want to, then a bf who has a sarcastic wit is not a good match for you.

 

You are saying YOU can't change, but HE should to be with you.

[Clio]

 

5. I informed him that I had to leave, at which point he jokingly replied, "I won't let you leave me. I'll strangle you if you do!" and tightened his grip around my neck.

 

I would have a MAJOR issue with this one. And maybe no 1 if it was really said in a sarcastic way. The rest sounds you being oversensitive. Having said that, if he is trying to 'fix you' that to me is a form of emotional abuse. Having been through something similar, I think that you need to try to communicate your feelings and if he continues to act in a way that feels hurtful to you, then you need to leave. In my opinion, a relationship that makes you feel bad and continues to do so following direct communication between the two of you and attempts to fix the problem, is not healthy and should be terminated.

[vivo ergo pati]

You can change if you want to....if you don't want to, then a bf who has a sarcastic wit is not a good match for you.

 

You are saying YOU can't change, but HE should to be with you.

 

This isn't the complete truth. I have changed a lot of behavior that he finds hurtful in order to be with him. He even told me when he brought it up to me that "you can change". So is it wrong for me to ask the same from him in return?

 

Also, I am not so much asking for him to change as to respect my feelings. If I was knowingly hurting his feelings, I would stop. And I have.

[mhowe]

Taking someone for granted ---- yes, you can and should change that.

Not listening --- again, a behavior you can and should change.

 

You say he is sarcastic and teasing to everyone, and even about him self. That is part of his personality.

You say you are very sensitive ---- That is part of your personality.

 

He can try and tone it down, you can try to be less sensitive. And since you can be less sensitive around people you DONT know, you are choosing to be sensitive around those you do know.

 

If you don't want to change or compromise, then again ---- you need a quiet, sensitive guy who will be more conscious of your sensitivity.

[jjkk]

He even told me when he brought it up to me that "you can change". So is it wrong for me to ask the same from him in return?

 

The impression I get is that it's such an integrated part of his personality that NO, he isn't going to change. He'll have to constantly watch what he says around you, worrying that you may get your feelings hurt or it might be offensive to you...it'll either be you being upset every time you talk or he won't dare open his mouth and say anything, both of which will get really old really fast.

 

He doesn't recognize what jokes you will take well and which ones you don't, another poster gave a great idea about having a code word when it gets to be too much but if it's every time you get together he's going to feel terribly stifled. I personally believe you CAN learn to take things less personally. I don't think I'm nearly as sensitive as you are but I've grown a much thicker skin over the past couple of years. I'm still the same tender hearted, sensitive person but I've learned when it's OK to let things roll off my back.

[vivo ergo pati]

Taking someone for granted ---- yes, you can and should change that.

Not listening --- again, a behavior you can and should change.

 

You say he is sarcastic and teasing to everyone, and even about him self. That is part of his personality.

You say you are very sensitive ---- That is part of your personality.

 

He can try and tone it down, you can try to be less sensitive. And since you can be less sensitive around people you DONT know, you are choosing to be sensitive around those you do know.

 

If you don't want to change or compromise, then again ---- you need a quiet, sensitive guy who will be more conscious of your sensitivity.

 

I'm not talking about taking him for granted or not listening. I've actually never done either of those things. I have always appreciated what he's done for me and I actively listen to him when he talks. (The reason I didn't get him the correct size drink is because I was tired and lightheaded-- obviously I needed a drink and was struggling to listen to him. This was not outright neglect on my part; I simply was not feeling well enough to listen completely.)

 

What I'm talking about is this:

 

I have a passive personality and this is something I have tried to change for him. For example, when he asks if I want the air conditioner turned off, I'll reply, "I'm fine either way. Do whatever pleases you." Believe it or not, he found this pattern of behavior hurtful. I have since tried become more assertive in the relationship and give him input on things I normally find trivial (like what we eat for dinner or what the temperature in the car should be).

 

"He can try and tone it down, you can try to be less sensitive."

 

This is pretty much the main take-away from this thread, I think...

[mhowe]

He has told me in the past that he felt I wasn't assertive enough, I didn't care about the relationship as much as he did, and that he felt taken for granted

 

obviously I needed a drink and was struggling to listen to him. This was not outright neglect on my part; I simply was not feeling well enough to listen completely.) Seriously?

 

Actually ---- your post asks if he is being verbally abusive NO he isn't

OR

 

Are you too sensitive ---- YES you are.

[vivo ergo pati]

Well, his teasing and sarcasm doesn't hurt me every time we get together. But I suffer from health problems, and when I've had a stressful week at work or with family, I become extremely sensitive and his jokes really do hurt. So maybe it is okay to tell him "not right now" or "I'm not in the mood" and just let him be. Because I'm not interested in changing him per say, I just want him to be a little more sensitive and respectful of my feelings. As I said before, I genuinely enjoy the teasing and the sarcasm. But when my stress levels are high and work has been particularly hard, I just can't deal with it.

[mhowe]

That is a good idea ---- because he doesn't know when the light is green!

 

A simple "not now ---- I'm a bit stressed out" and he will know that you aren't receptive to hearing his banter.

[vivo ergo pati]

He has told me in the past that he felt I wasn't assertive enough, I didn't care about the relationship as much as he did, and that he felt taken for granted

 

obviously I needed a drink and was struggling to listen to him. This was not outright neglect on my part; I simply was not feeling well enough to listen completely.) Seriously?

 

Actually ---- your post asks if he is being verbally abusive NO he isn't

OR

 

Are you too sensitive ---- YES you are.

 

I never once took him for granted. It turns out that it was a miscommunication on our part and some wounds from his past. We since moved past them... or at least I thought that we had.

 

Not getting him the right size drink because I was not feeling well is not the same as "not listening" to your partner. And actually, he's never accused me of that. I listen to him actively when he speaks. But when I'm not feeling well, you can't expect me (or anyone else) to be completely listening to what other people are saying. I still got him the damn Gatorade, just the wrong size.

[mhowe]

From your tone...I don't think you are too sensitive any more.

 

You just expect people to cater to your moods, whatever they happen to be at the time.

 

If you are in a good mood, all is fine.

If you are stressed, thirsty, feeling unwell or just in a bad mood....they need to handle you with kid gloves.

 

So to return to the suggestion that you have a code word to let him know which way the wind

D is blowing is a really good idea. And if you find yourself using it a lot it might be time to take some stock of yourself.

[vivo ergo pati]

I'm pretty much done with this thread and I'd like to thank everyone for their thoughts. Even the ones that I didn't like or I felt were rude. Because I know what to do now. I need to be honest with him about my relationship doubts and explain why what he says hurts my feelings. I believe he cares enough to work with me on this. When stress is high, I know that I'm particularly vulnerable and I need to tell him "not right now" or "please stop". When stress is low, we can go back to our usual: teasing, laughing, and having fun.

 

Hopefully it will improve. I certainly want this relationship to work, so I need to make sure I take the right steps towards fixing the problem.

 

Some of the advice on here was very helpful and I am grateful for the time that everyone invested in reading about my problems and discussing it with me. Thanks a lot.

[vivo ergo pati]

From your tone...I don't think you are too sensitive any more.

 

You just expect people to cater to your moods, whatever they happen to be at the time.

 

If you are in a good mood, all is fine.

If you are stressed, thirsty, feeling unwell or just in a bad mood....they need to handle you with kid gloves.

 

So to return to the suggestion that you have a code word to let him know which way the wind

D is blowing is a really good idea. And if you find yourself using it a lot it might be time to take some stock of yourself.

 

That's not true, but I don't need to argue about who I am with a complete stranger. If you knew me, you would know better. I'm actually very sensitive in general. I have problems with both light and sound. Some of the symptoms I experience are similar to that of those suffering from high functioning autism. I also suffer from a seizure disorder and anxiety-- both of which are triggered by high levels of stimuli.

[vivo ergo pati]

From your tone...I don't think you are too sensitive any more.

 

You just expect people to cater to your moods, whatever they happen to be at the time.

 

If you are in a good mood, all is fine.

If you are stressed, thirsty, feeling unwell or just in a bad mood....they need to handle you with kid gloves.

 

So to return to the suggestion that you have a code word to let him know which way the wind

D is blowing is a really good idea. And if you find yourself using it a lot it might be time to take some stock of yourself.

 

While we are "taking stock", everything that you have stated so far has not been helpful at all, but rather hurtful and counter-productive. Even though a few other posters agree with your conclusions, they were at least willing to consider my plight and work with me as the flawed and imperfect individual that I am. You, on the other hand, have been very rude and uncompassionate. You speak about me as if you know me and understand fully the complexities of my relationship with this man. However, most of your responses could not be further from the truth.

 

You can't expect people to change by attacking them. If anything, you are putting me on the defense and forcing me to protect my own opinions and behavior. If my opinions are wrong and my behavior is unhealthy, isn't this the exact opposite of what you should be doing?

 

I don't expect people to cater to my moods. I do, however, want to recognize whether or not I'm being overly sensitive or if there is a deeper problem here.

 

I don't expect my boyfriend to change into someone else. I do, however, want him to respect my feelings and work with me to "change" patterns of behavior that I find hurtful. I would do this for him.

 

He knows that I'm highly sensitive and that I respond poorly to being overly stimulated. I have seizures and can become very ill because of it. I suffer from female health problems that have recently hospitalized me. I'm not just some moody B*TCH that expects my boyfriend to walk on eggshells around me. I have never taken him for granted, ignored, insulted, demeaned, or neglected him, and I have always been honest about my feelings. If anything, I go out of my way to tell him that I care for him, call him handsome, kiss, and hug him, talk to him every day, and listen to him.

 

Anyone that knows me would disagree with you wholeheartedly-- including my boyfriend. We are both good people.