I was right!!!

[Ms Darcy]

My point exactly. Less diagnosing. Less judging. More helping others.

 

Like I said, I find it disturbing to suggest someone you were talking to and not even in a relationship with is a narcissist and sociopath who manipulated you.

 

It's pointless to call her OCD and it's pointless to call him some sort of sociopath.

 

I agree there is no need to dwell. It's like trying to hold onto sand.

[Ms Darcy]

I can tell you didnt read my post but took from it what you wanted because you seem to have intentionally or unintentionally overlooked where i accepted responsibility. I stated his behavior and yes mentioned his past but i accepted responsibility. Im gonna say this because my comments becoming repetitive. Thank you for your advice, some of your comments were entertaining, and I will be sure to grow the skin of an alligator!

 

You stated that he manipulated you and that you blame yourself because you believed he had changed.

 

That's similar to saying: "I am sorry if you were offended by what I sad." vs "I am sorry." It's a qualification that negates the original assertion.

 

So, I still read that as you feel ultimately manipulated/victimized by him.

 

I think if anything you have said suggested manipulation, I would understand what you are saying. But to me it doesn't, so the reaction seems disproportionate to the situation.

 

I don't see the manipulation and I don't see where you are to blame.

[Rosti87]

Like I said, I find it disturbing to suggest someone you were talking to and not even in a relationship with is a narcissist and sociopath who manipulated you.

 

It's pointless to call her OCD and it's pointless to call him some sort of sociopath.

 

I agree there is no need to dwell. It's like trying to hold onto sand.

 

Whether he is or not is immaterial. Whether the OP is OCD or not is immaterial. Letting go and a not attaching the ego to a situation that is out of one's control is material IMHO. Life is too freaking short.

[GodsChosen]

This is your opinion as I welcome all. **sigh** Im gonna say refer back to my previous comments as my fingers are tiring of constantly repeating myself!

[Ms Darcy]

There is this really good book out there called: "Women Who Think Too Much" by Dr. Susan Nolen-Hoeksema

 

The books provides extensive research about how many people, especially women, take a lot of time (hours and hours) thinking about or ruminating in negative experiences and feelings. (Renowned psychologist) Dr. Susan Nolen-Hoeksema calls this overthinking, and her groundbreaking research shows that an increasing number of women—more than half of those in her extensive study—are doing it too much and too often, leading to sadness, anxiety, and depression. She challenges the assumption—heralded by so many pop-psychology pundits of the last several decades—that constantly expressing and analyzing our emotions is a good thing.

 

It's a great read and talks about overthining can actually hinder and not help dating success. (It explains why so many women tend to be overthinkers and provides concrete strategies that can be used to escape these negative thoughts, move to higher ground, and live more productively.)

 

Very worth looking it up.

[GodsChosen]

I believe it was moreso of the fact that i posted similar posts regarding this fella. If you look back at my other posts I posted repeated post of an ex bf of mine. Its not obsessive. Its not OCD. Its me using this forum for exactly what it is. Ego may have been a factor in both of our cases. The view point of the Ms Darcy is her honest opinion so she is sticking to it even if it means using STATED FACTS regarding this person to "label" me. If I feel the need to bring him up again next week....i will do so because once again that is what this forum is for.

[Ms Darcy]

It's a little disappointing that it was not clear that I did not call you OCD. I even said I was using irony in that same post. C'mon people.

[GodsChosen]

Talking....dating.....as I said we were friends. Just as I learned my parents or sister....I learned him. Its called interaction. Is he a sociopath? I havent the slightest idea. But if i feel his behavior is sociopathic-like than thats my opinion as well. Lol. I have that right! Just like if i want tosay I think he is a good person with a past! I can do that because thats my opinion and I have that right. You are arguing against my right to use this forum for what its intended for and the argument is pointless. Smh!

[GodsChosen]

whose fault is that? whats disturbing is to insinuate that we all are attaching another meaning to your statement when it stated exactly what you intended to say.

[Ms Darcy]

I'm encouraging you to redirect your energy. Like if you were interested in dating again, I would focus on identifying behaviors you like and don't like. What your boundaries are - for yourself and others.

[GodsChosen]

Your "encouragement" is appreciated as this the most encouraging thing you've said on this post. I didnt ask for that as i recalled but if thats your way of "encouraging" others I suggest you re-evaluate your approach!

[Ms Darcy]

Evan Marc Katz is a really good dating coach as well. link removed

[notalady]

I think you are focussing on the wrong things here. You're talking about why he acted the way he did and speculating what led him to be this way. While it's perfectly fine to analyse things after they ended to learn from your experiences, I think if you look at it in a more forward looking way it would help you more than looking backwards, no guy is going to be exactly the same, and you probably won't encounter a similar guy again. But the take away from this experience, based on the information you shared in the OP, is that don't buy into the "I'm trying to change" premise if a guy is in a situation or from a background that you don't want to accept or think is incompatible with you. Because people don't change, fundamentally. And childhood and family has a big influence on people's character and value system, so it would benefit you to consider that next time when you first start dating someone before getting emotionally invested.

 

You also mentioned you initially thought he changed, but now realise that he didn't, he just started showing his true colour. What you can again learn from that is people don't change, not within such a short period of time anyway. Next time something like this happens, you should immediately realise that he's starting to show his true self to you as you got to know each other more, and any red flags that pop up during this process should prompt you to reevaluate whether to continue dating him (probably not if it's major red flags).

 

Now talking about red flags, a lot of his behaviour and his family background and what he used to (?) do are big red flags. You should have paid close attention to any red flags, and left early on once these surfaced. It's all an evaluation process, one you shouldn't get emotionally invested in until you are fairly certain this is the guy you want to be in a relationship with long term. It's useless to say in hindsight I can now see clearly what happened and why, but not learn how to prevent it from happening in the future. But also no point being angry about it, whether at yourself or at him, just learn from it and let it go.

[Cheetarah]

I find it very draining to try and analyze a person's behavior. Initially, it gives me a sense of control over the situation which usually I feel desperately out of(control, powerless). Then I realize I really have no idea what I am talking about, if I'm right or I'm wrong or somewhere in between. Plus, it is still an investment. There were many times with my ex that I had to stop and say, "No. You are not invested in his personal or emotional growth." Actively say that aloud to myself.

 

Because while some people's pasts are horrid and they have the personality to match it, many surface with a sense of balance and stability. There's so many factors and also mysteries of why it works that way.

 

I don't think someone's problematic childhood is automatically a red flag unless you see those dynamics still being played out and the residual effects. I also firmly believe in the power of change, but just as firmly believe that words are very cheap without the actions to back them up, and real change can only be demonstrated by its consistency and longevity.

[Batya33]

I don't think it makes sense to analyze a person to this extent in the situation where that person has decided to stop dating you. You're too emotionally invested and biased to do that kind of analysis in any meaningful or productive way. All it does is have you searching for any justification as to why he ended things other than "oh well, guess he wasn't that into me". You're not trying to help him and you're not helping yourself by this level of analysis and focus.

[SpottiOtti]

I could be wrong here, but I get the impression that the OP's original post might have been more about identifying red flags for future dating . . . which is helpful . . .

 

Self-analysis on your part, OP, could also lead you to the reason you were so upset over this guy, who I'm getting the impression you didn't date for that long, given the others' responses? Something inside you reacted strongly to his rejection. For example, I tend to take rejection harder than most people (I think) because I have always struggled with the belief that I'm inherently "bad" or "wrong" inside, and that it's only a matter of time before people see it. So when they reject me, I tend to automatically go there with it. It's good to know stuff like that about yourself, and can only help you in future dating.

[GodsChosen]

My post was exactly about that. Red flags that i later realized that I ignored. Its appropriate to analyze any failed relationship, whether its a friendship, courting, etc. to see where things went wrong and what can be done in the future to prevent it.

[GodsChosen]

My analysis isnt your place to make sense of. Hence why its mine. I never intended to help him in any way and it offers me insight into wherw i went wrong. To emotionally invested? This may be true but I still stand by my right to analyse a failed -ship to see where I went wrong.

[GodsChosen]

These are things that Im seeing now which is why i posted this. Didnt see it then or prob moreso I didnt shed light to it. Thank you!

[Batya33]

My analysis isnt your place to make sense of. Hence why its mine. I never intended to help him in any way and it offers me insight into wherw i went wrong. To emotionally invested? This may be true but I still stand by my right to analyse a failed -ship to see where I went wrong.

 

Of course you have a right - no one is telling you you do not. In my opinion given that this situation is unlikely to recur and given that you are making very broad conclusions about how adults deal with dysfunctional childhoods your choice to spend your time this way is in my humble opinion a waste of your precious time and is likely to be counterproductive to your future choices - you will start jumping to unnecessary conclusions because of how much you focused on this one guy who did not want to date you (which is his right too).

 

I do not agree with the title of your post that you were "right" you have an opinion on why he chose not to continue dating you and why you behaved the way you did when you interacted with him. You might be right, you might not -whatever makes sense to you and works for you is what is right for you, not whether your analysis of this person is "right".

[mhowe]

My analysis isnt your place to make sense of. Hence why its mine. I never intended to help him in any way and it offers me insight into wherw i went wrong. To emotionally invested? This may be true but I still stand by my right to analyse a failed -ship to see where I went wrong.

 

If you don't want opinions on whether or not your analysis made sense, no need to post it on a public formum!!! LOL.

[GodsChosen]

If i remember correctly i never asked a question. my entire post was a statement. If other chose to leave their opinion thats perfectly fine. Thats is another reason that public forums exist. Thanks for pointing out the obvious!

[GodsChosen]

Everyone does have a choice. As i mentioned before im analyzing the situation. Whether or not you agree with my opinion is fair. And my analysis is right in the things i concluded about myself and him. Not necessarily about him using is right to chose not to be with me. As i said before to another poster take my post as is rather than dissecting it .

[oitnb]

Everyone does have a choice. As i mentioned before im analyzing the situation. Whether or not you agree with my opinion is fair. And my analysis is right in the things i concluded about myself and him. Not necessarily about him using is right to chose not to be with me. As i said before to another poster take my post as is rather than dissecting it .

 

Why don't you take some of your own advice and take what happened as what it is rather than dwelling and dissecting it?

[t1lersm0m1]

Your over analysis of the situation is your way of obsessing over it. And you came here saying "I am right" as if you are tryingto prove others wrong.

 

The best thing you can do is stop dwelling on this guy and learn from this.