Nightingale93 Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 Hello, my boyfriend and I have been together 2 years now. We rent a house and live with three other people whom we get along with pretty well. My problem is that my boyfriend does not save ANY money when he gets paid. He goes out and blows it on pot and other crap. We've argued about this over and over again but it's just continued to happen. The reason it bothers me so much is because he works twice as much as me and somehow I always have more money than him. I'm much more aware about my money and like to pay bills on time whereas he always tells me it'll be fine if we pay it late. He owes a lot of places money and has bad credit. He did get his identity stolen when he was a kid though which I'm sure doesn't help but I feel that he relies on my credit too much rather than trying to fix his own. He does pay me back when he owes me anything but never pays attention to his part of the bills to put on our board (Electric and internet). I'll tell him to put it on our board so that everyone knows what they owe and when but he NEVER does. I always have to put it up and pay them with my card because he doesn't have a bank account, it's getting very old and making us argue a LOT. Also, last night I paid for our dinner (Taco Bell) and he kept insisting I buy food for our new roommate. It really bugged me because the guy works at the same place yet it's the same scenario with him blowing his money on pot. He's 30 years old and I feel like I shouldn't be guilted into buying him food. That and I already had given him leftovers from my work. I also went grocery shopping too which my boyfriend has failed to do in quite a while now. Sometimes I just really feel like I'm being taken advantage of. I've threatened to leave and go back home quite a few times and I don't want to keep going in this relationship if this is going to keep happening. I talked to him about how I felt and he kept saying "I know" and insists he is going to start putting 100 dollars back every time he gets paid and quit smoking pot. I don't even care he smokes pot because I do too but the difference between him and I is I can smoke a little and be fine with it whereas he smokes a lot more. But I'm just going to have to suck it up and stop too so he can. I want to give him another chance because he treats me great but I'm worried that I've already given him way too many at this point. I would rather be with someone who is efficient with their money, you know? Link to comment
Edmund Exley Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 I would rather be with someone who is efficient with their money, you know? Then go find that person. You aren't going to change this one, I assure you. Link to comment
sentiententity Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 Sounds like you already know what you want to do. If these are his habits at 30 its not like he's likely to change. Link to comment
Nightingale93 Posted September 5, 2014 Author Share Posted September 5, 2014 Then go find that person. You aren't going to change this one, I assure you. The hardest thing is I do really love him and I know he loves me but this has been going on since I've met him. I'm just tired of feeling financially insecure. I've tried to leave a few times but he always talks me into staying. I told him I would rather live with my mom for awhile until we can actually get our own place opposed to having roommates. Although we are moving into a bigger, nicer, cheaper house soon and he has offered to pay my bills for me. Having roommates isn't terrible but it has caused a great deal of strain on our relationship too. I'm so torn on what to do. I'll give him a chance to prove me wrong with his next pay check but if the same scenario happens again I'm probably going to leave. Link to comment
Nightingale93 Posted September 5, 2014 Author Share Posted September 5, 2014 Sounds like you already know what you want to do. If these are his habits at 30 its not like he's likely to change. My boyfriend and I are 21 and 22, our roommate is 30. Link to comment
Edmund Exley Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 Your entire future financial health is at risk. Link to comment
ohboo Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 "Although we are moving into a bigger, nicer, cheaper house soon and he has offered to pay my bills for me." He's not paying his own now, after you've asked him to a bunch of times. What makes you think that will change in a new house? I'm not trying to be mean, but you need to seriously think about this. I dated a guy a few years back, lived with him for 2 years, he insisted he loved me, but he had the same problem. And, he put us into debt. After awhile, he just quit his job and sat at home all day and didn't care. Kept saying he'd get another job, but didn't. I finally forced him to, and he got a part time retail job, and still spent all his money he got paid. He took advantage of me, and that's what this guy is doing to you. I felt like I was dating a man-child. I left him, even though he owed me 8k and I knew I'd never get it back if I left him. But I chose my sanity over the money. People don't change because you want them to. They change if they want to. And usually, it takes them hitting rock bottom, or something bad happening, in order for them to do it. My ex was 34 when this happened. When I kicked him out and broke up, he went and lived in his mom's basement and sucked her dry of money too. Then went to live with a friend and his wife, before they kicked him out. And is probably still working part time sponging off someone now. I loved him, but I didn't see a good future with him for myself. If you really do love him, then maybe you leaving to go to your mom's will jolt him into changing, because anything you're doing now certainly isn't working. And if you leaving isn't the thing that changes him, then it might be time for you to move on. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I've been in your shoes, and trust me, it doesn't change. Link to comment
Edmund Exley Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 People don't change because you want them to. They change if they want to. And usually, it takes them hitting rock bottom, or something bad happening, in order for them to do it. This, and at 21 he definitely isn't going to suddenly change. Whether he intends to or not, you are being taken advantage of. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 >>him blowing his money on pot. Look, he's decided to live the life of a slacker and a drug addict. It's normal for young people in their teens and early 20s to experiment with pot, but most people grow out of it once they start real careers and become full adults. So your BF prefers to stay in an adolescent haze, having you are his surrogate Mommy responsible for the bills while he doesn't even have a bank account or cars or any other of the trappings of a normal responsible adult. He is content to live hand to mouth as long as he gets his pot and drifts through life in a drugged haze. So nip this in the bud. Tell him he has one month to wean himself off it. And that you are going to sit down and work up a budget where he contributes his full share and start paying down his debts and living like an adult rather than an irreponsible child. There is no way you can have a permanent relationship with him behaving like this unless you are content to be the breadwinner to support a slacker and a drug addict. And if this roommate also does drugs, then you need to boot him out or move out. He needs to separate himself from any bad influences or connections to his former life as a pot head. He will continue in this behavior if you will continue to enable him. You need to tell him that he has one month to wean himself off pot, every single day cutting down the amount and number of times he smokes until he isn't doing it at all. And if you catch him doing it after that 30 days are up, you're moving out (or kicking him out). And you have to mean it, and do it. But be prepared to have to break up with him, because pothead luv, luv, luv their pot. He needs to come to the conclusion that he wants to act like an adult rather than a teen slacker, and honestly, many potheads just don't. Whenever life gets tough or doesn't go the way they want, they just spark up another one and drift off and find another girl who will tolerate their addiction rather than dealing with it. Link to comment
t1lersm0m1 Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 I'm sorry to say, it's time to leave this relationship. But, you say you love each other, so maybe just moving out or moving back home, as you've threatened to do, can save the relationship. But, if you want a future with this guy, living together, having kids, etc, I would reconsider that until he gets on a better financial path. Link to comment
Nightingale93 Posted September 5, 2014 Author Share Posted September 5, 2014 Thank you, and you're very right which is why I have almost left many times now. The house we are suppose to be moving in is going to be very cheap and I don't expect him to pay all the bills, I think he meant rent. I'm honestly just tired of having roommates though. I've been having a hard time finding a full time job, I'm not in school, and ever since I got with him I owe money to multiple places (although that's my own fault). He keeps saying this is our chance to save and pay off some debts. But I'm worried about living in a house with five people and he keeps insisting his co-worker is a good person. We barely know him, he seems cool but still you never know. Right now the house we are in is in my boyfriend's name but when we move it will be in his co-workers name. Link to comment
Nightingale93 Posted September 5, 2014 Author Share Posted September 5, 2014 He does have a car but his insurance is outrageous. That's what really kills him when it comes to bills is his car payment and insurance because he has an SR-21. He works as a landscaper so his job is very physically demanding and like I said I'm not mad he smokes pot because I enjoy it too. It's that he obviously has a problem with smoking too much of it. His co-worker on the other hand seems like he is much worse about it and the guy doesn't even have a car. He got a DUI when pulling into his apartment. The guy is sleeping on our couch even though I keep telling my boyfriend to take out the weights in the spare room so he has a place to sleep. Link to comment
Nightingale93 Posted September 5, 2014 Author Share Posted September 5, 2014 Another thing I'm worried about is living with two alcoholics. My cousin is one and so is this new guy. I don't think my boyfriend understands that it can take quite a while for someone's true colors to come out. I told him I wanted to move back to my mom's when we move out of our house but he kept saying I was "abandoning" him. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 Leaving him is not abandoning him. It is saving yourself. He wants to go down, it's entirely up to you if you want to go down with him. He will not let you pull him up. You're already in debt because of this relationship. It will get worse. Link to comment
lukeb Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 If you really want to stay with this guy you have to set out clear separate financial responsibilities. Agree to it and make it clear. Don't pay his bills and then fight and get angry about it. He is either going to learn to budget, or not and you can consider him a hopeless case and leave him. Right now if he knows all it takes is a little fight for you to pay his way he is never going to learn. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 He's an addict if he can't control his drug use to once in a while. Doesn't matter what his drug of choice is if he can't control it. Pot addicts usually have lots of other problems in their lives due to their addiction to pot. They have money problem and job problems and it worsens over time because they'd rather just blaze on up rather than deal with their life issues and grow up. You say you 'don't have trouble' with his pot use, but you SHOULD have trouble with it if it is taking most of his money and time and he's a mess financially. Don't make excuses for him and don't be his enabler... not good for you or him. Link to comment
Edmund Exley Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 Another thing I'm worried about is living with two alcoholics. My cousin is one and so is this new guy. I don't think my boyfriend understands that it can take quite a while for someone's true colors to come out. I told him I wanted to move back to my mom's when we move out of our house but he kept saying I was "abandoning" him. Oh my God, please get your self out of this toxic situation before you even step in. Link to comment
Stay_home Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 That could be your money for a mortgage or for your son's lunch money at school, the money to keep the lights on throughout the house. Are you sure you want to be with someone like this? Link to comment
DancingFool Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 Another thing I'm worried about is living with two alcoholics. My cousin is one and so is this new guy. I don't think my boyfriend understands that it can take quite a while for someone's true colors to come out. I told him I wanted to move back to my mom's when we move out of our house but he kept saying I was "abandoning" him. He would say that. Finding another "mommy" who will take care of a house full of drug addicts and alcoholics will be quite a chore. He is trying to manipulate into staying around through emotional blackmail. I really hope you are smarter than that and will get out of this fast instead of getting deeper in. Link to comment
Nightingale93 Posted September 5, 2014 Author Share Posted September 5, 2014 He would say that. Finding another "mommy" who will take care of a house full of drug addicts and alcoholics will be quite a chore. He is trying to manipulate into staying around through emotional blackmail. I really hope you are smarter than that and will get out of this fast instead of getting deeper in. The only two that smoke a lot are him and his co-worker. I will give his co-worker credit because I've only seen him drink maybe twice since he's lived here compared to my cousin who can pound through a damn twelve pack a night if he really wanted to. My cousin doesn't like to smoke and my other roommate doesn't drink nor smoke, goes to school, and works. I did tell my boyfriend after posting this I wanted to move back home to be able to reflect and save money. I also told him I'm just not comfortable living with 5 people and would rather wait until we are both financially able to live on our own together. He told me that his co-worker plans on buying a 500 dollar car they can use (they carpool) so my boyfriend can get his truck fixed and it would save him money (idk how though since he'd still have a car payment?) and that they are going to do side jobs this weekend. But then he just started "k"ing me which is annoying. I guess we will see in the next couple of weeks but no I don't plan on staying in this situation if everyone doesn't clean up their act. One thing that bothers me is one day my grandpa popped up at our house right after they were smoking and all our stuff was out and he saw it. I was embarrassed to go over to my grandparents after that... I have no desire to live with two alcoholics. My dad is an alcoholic Schizophrenic and both my grandpas were alcoholics so it's a very touchy thing for me. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 I married someone who had totally different values regarding money. Statistics show money is the #1 thing couples fight about. I was young and niave and wish I knew the impact it would ultimately have on our relationship. Now going forward I do ask questions and watch closely, . without being intrusive about how they view money and how it plays into their day to day life. This matrix runs deep and it's closely tied to their upbringing. It's not something that changes or changes easily. Can't underscore this enough. . This is a huge red flag! Please pay attention. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 "He's an addict if he can't control his drug use to once in a while. Doesn't matter what his drug of choice is if he can't control it" Came back to add that money is a vice much like drugs and alcohol. You can have an unhealthy relationship with it just the same. I used to say that money was just like heroin to my ex H. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 Move back home and let his actions speak for him. You'll see soon enough if he really means anything he says or if it's just lip service to keep you around taking care of things. Just like he needs to live up to his words, so do you. Show him that you mean what you say and let him show you that he means what he says. You fear dealing with addicts, but you are choosing to date and live with an addict in large part because that is what is familiar and what you are used to given your family background even if you are not fully conscious of this. Do you see the irony of your relationship choice??? Link to comment
blueidealist24 Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 I don't think that you should necessarily break up with him, but give him a month or so to turn things around (if you don't care about the pot, whatever, but the money stuff), and if he doesn't, go back and live with your mom. I wouldn't buy a house with him anytime if I was you. I actually don't think he's mature enough to be living with a significant other right now.. it is optimistic that he's only 21 and maybe if you stay with him but don't live with him any longer if he can't manage his money, he will change in two or three years and be ready to do so for real. Link to comment
SpottiOtti Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 Why would he save money or try to be financially responsible, when he knows he has you to bail him out? Link to comment
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