Boyfriend blows money

[faraday]

Listen, this guy is not going to change. If he does manage to pay your bills, it will be late, and most likely, he'll get behind on them. Living without room mates will not change the way he behaves towards money, he'll find something else to spend it on.

 

This is him. He's shown you clearly who he is. People do not change.

 

You can stay and accept that this is who he is...or you can stay and try to change him (but it won't happen) and be miserable. Or you can walk away and find someone good with money. It's up to you. But those are your choices.

 

The hardest thing is I do really love him and I know he loves me but this has been going on since I've met him. I'm just tired of feeling financially insecure. I've tried to leave a few times but he always talks me into staying. I told him I would rather live with my mom for awhile until we can actually get our own place opposed to having roommates. Although we are moving into a bigger, nicer, cheaper house soon and he has offered to pay my bills for me. Having roommates isn't terrible but it has caused a great deal of strain on our relationship too. I'm so torn on what to do. I'll give him a chance to prove me wrong with his next pay check but if the same scenario happens again I'm probably going to leave.

[redswim30]

Money is one of the top three issues that break people up over. You HAVE to be on the same page about it. Otherwise, things will never work out.

 

Your choice is to either get used to this behavior that most likely won't change or break up and find someone with more compatible values.

 

He IS taking advantage of you. His actions are telling you he cares more about pot than he does about you. It's unfair to place all the financial responsibility on you and then STILL try to dictate how you spend your money. At his age, he should know better. So, the reality is that he probably does and just doesn't care.

 

Do you really want to be in a relationship like that?

[ParisPaulette]

Why on earth are you with this guy??? He won't ever change, he views you as his second mom, and now he's demanding you foot the bill for his buddies too since they all spent it on pot??? W.T.H??? You do know it's time to tell your boyfriend goodbye, move out, and tell him from now on he can buy the food for him and his buddies.

 

He will never change. Getting his identity stolen would normally make one more careful about money, not less. You enable him by paying for things and playing the put-upon girlfriend role. If you want it to change you are going to have to do some hardball, that's it this isn't how it's going to be any more. And he has more than money issues, the guy has a drug problem. Any time someone would rather spend money on a substance than on eating and putting a roof over their heads they have an addiction. A serious one.

[Ms Darcy]

Another thing I'm worried about is living with two alcoholics. My cousin is one and so is this new guy. I don't think my boyfriend understands that it can take quite a while for someone's true colors to come out. I told him I wanted to move back to my mom's when we move out of our house but he kept saying I was "abandoning" him.

 

I was just going to suggest this. You are not in school, you don't have a full-time job, and you owe money all over the place. YOU need to take a step back because your finances are not great and you need to completely remove yourself from this debt piling-rent situation and move back in with your mom.

 

He's only saying you are abandoning him because he's lazy and he knows no one else will put up with him paying late, blowing money on pot, and generally being irresponsible. Even if you don't want to break up with him, don't live with him anymore.

[Ms Darcy]

... I have no desire to live with two alcoholics. My dad is an alcoholic Schizophrenic and both my grandpas were alcoholics so it's a very touchy thing for me.

 

OK, now I understand why you have been putting up with this. You grew up with chaos and you have accepted it.

[lavenderdove]

>> wanted to move back to my mom's when we move out of our house but he kept saying I was "abandoning" him.

>>y dad is an alcoholic Schizophrenic and both my grandpas were alcoholics so it's a very touchy thing for me.

 

So don't trade alcoholics for pot heads. Really, doesn't matter what the drug of choice is (alcohol, pot, etc.), if the person is neglecting to pay normal life expenses and is using the money/time/effort to pursue drinks/drugs and like to spend a lot of time high or drunk, they are an addict.

 

re: the abandonment, you're not his mother and he's an adult so there is no abandonment involved here! The very fact that he used those words show where his mind is. He is seeing you in a Mommy role where your job is to take care of him and his expenses rather than being an equal partner. You have to be very careful with dating people this age and not get into live-in situations too early, because there are lots of young people circulating at that age who want to continue their adolescence rather than grow up and get a partner to play that parenting role for them to provide the money/food/housing costs/cooking/housecleaning while they goof off like a teenager. That is the exact scenario you have here, with drug addiction throw in on top of it.

 

btw, if you have parents and family who have addictive tendencies towards drinking/drugs, you need to be extremely careful yourself about not doing drugs or surrounding yourself with people who do because addiction is a slippery slope where it starts out light and fun, and over time the addiction grows. Since you know that your family has addictive tendencies (and that has been genetically linked), you are playing with fire and need to most likely shelter yourself from that potential by not drinking/doing drugs and not hanging around with people who do. You have it under control now, but that doesn't last forever with people who have addictive tendencies. It's not worth the risk fooling around with it.