Help please!

[amireallydoing]

I’ve read many Q&A forums relating to this topic already, none of which matched my situation exactly, so I decided to post my own question. In reading all of the similar ones though, I learned what some people automatically assume when it comes to a situation like this so I will go ahead and clear up any confusion before it starts. I am a mature (late 20’s) woman; I am not some “cutesy little girl” (as another girl who asked a similar question was labeled in another post) I am also in a healthy, long-term relationship so I am not desperate for attention. I am sure there will also be those who, once they have read my post, will tell me there is no way my relationship is healthy if I’m in this situation, but that is not true. I love my boyfriend. We rarely fight but we do have our moments like everyone, we put equal effort into the relationship, we trust each other and communicate well etc. But with that being said, sometimes as humans we have feelings that we can’t control.

So here’s my main issue:

Recently I started working with someone new. I was already here, he’s the new one. (He is the new boss.) When I first met him while he was going through the interview process I thought he was attractive but that is as far as it went because I didn’t know him. Once he was hired and started working here and I started to get to know him better then I started to kind of develop the dreaded “work crush.” Neither of us is married, but we are both in relationships (his is long distance), as mentioned before, I’m in my late 20’s and he is a couple years past 50. (Don’t judge me (: )

 

Now I am not a very confident person, so for a while I doubted that he was even flirting with me. I am a bit overweight which is why I have such low self-confidence. My best friend swears to me that there is something about me that attracts men to me and that it has nothing to do with how much I weigh, she says she sees how men look at me and that she doesn’t know exactly what it is but something draws them to me. Personally I think she’s crazy because I am really not that special!! ANYWAY! I am smart enough to know that usual when you reach the point of asking yourself “is he flirting with me?” then usual he is. I always just convince myself otherwise because of my own self-esteem issues. Well, I am now no longer in denial about the fact he flirts with me….. I still don’t really understand why he does, because I don’t feel like an attractive person someone would want to flirt with, but he obviously is an exception because clearly he wants to…. And does. He has made a few dirty comments, asks me occasionally if I want to fight, calls me Missy sometimes, we talk A LOT, lots of eye contact, he’s found an excuse to touch my arm a couple times, called me in one day to “help him” do something he could’ve totally done on his own etc etc etc. So obviously he is flirting with me, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he is attracted to me, right?? SO CONFUSING!!

 

I’m at the point where I think about him ALLLLLLLLLL THEEEEEEEE TIMEEEEEEEEEE. I seriously feel like I am being drawn to him. He is sexy, his voice is sexy, the way he carries himself is sexy….I’m not some shallow woman judging only on looks, he is an amazing man for many reasons besides being attractive… but in an effort to keep this “anonymous” I am leaving out details he would know is about him. Sometime when we are talking, and we make eye contact for an extended amount of time I feel that feeling, you know the one I mean…..or when our skin brushes when we pass something from hand to hand or walk by each other. (SO if I feel that is there a guarantee he does too or could it be just one sided?)

Like I said, I have decided he does flirt with me, but really don’t know for sure if it’s because he’s bored, if he has that type of personality like me, or because he’s attracted to me….If you have an opinion on that based on the few examples I gave of what I believe is him flirting, then please do share. You can share your opinion on whatever you’d like, just please don’t be judgmental. Mainly I want suggestions on what I am supposed to do to keep this under control. We have worked together since the beginning of this year. I thought he was attractive since the beginning, but over the past few months since we’ve gotten to know each other well my feelings have really started to change towards him. I flirt with him all the time (granted I have that type of personality, but with him it’s a little different) and I literally tell myself every morning “pull yourself together, just don’t flirt with him” and then I see him and it’s like I have no filter and can’t control myself. Now this is the part when someone will tell me to be an adult instead of some “cutesy little girl” but I seriously am trying, like giving it honest effort, and I can’t stop. Is a lot of it probably lust? Yes. But there is also some real chemistry there I think. We have a lot of common interests and he seems to have a genuine interest in talking to me, as I do him. It’s just hard to feel this attraction to someone when you can’t do anything about it. Even if we were both single, he’s still my boss……

 

So please share your opinion on whether or not you think he is even interested and also on what I can do to try and control myself a little bit!

[mhowe]

As a ma cure woman you surely know that a relationship with your boss ends on way...with you being let go. He is old enough to be your father and is baiting you as a side dish. He surely isn't sexy, etc. and NOT dating. So...he flirts with you at work to see how far you are willing to go and has a life outside of work.

 

Meanwhile...being the mature woman...you are fantasizing about him all of the time...and distracted in your "wonderful" relationship with your bf. At some point in the near future...one of 2 things will happen. You will go out for drinks after work with boss man and cross the line from flirt to cheat. OR...your bf will get tired about hearing about your wonderful boss and ask what is going on.

 

Suggest that as a mature woman ...you stop fantasizing and focus on work...at work.

[missmarple]

He's over 50, your boss and in a relationship and he's 'made a few dirty comments' and asks if you want to fight. Not only is his behaviour totally unacceptable from a boss to an employee (and you'd be able to see that, too, if you weren't attracted to him)....not only is it totally unacceptable for someone who has a g/f and to a woman who has a b/f but, also, it's obvious that all he wants from you is a hook-up. He's not interested in anything more.

If you really love your b/f and you value your job, you should stop flirting with him before this goes any further. The fact that he's your boss makes the situation even worse and the potential risks much bigger.

[jjkk]

First of all, are you placing yourself around him more than you really NEED to in order to do your job? Idk what kind of work you do and how much interaction you truly need w/ him but I'd start there. If there's any way to get things done w/out involving him, I'd do it. Before going to him for whatever reason, see if there's another way to go about it w/out reaching out to him. Just being around him less may help a bit. Don't find excuses to talk to him, go past his office, etc.

 

For obsessive thoughts I've found distraction works the best for me. Every time you start thinking about him, snap yourself out of it ASAP and think about something else. Decide in advance what you'll think about instead, whether it's your boyfriend or something work related, a fond memory from childhood, an affirmation, what you're going to cook for dinner, anything. So...decide in advance and be very clear on what you'll think about instead of your boss. The second you find yourself thinking about him, remind yourself of your distraction and focus on that. At first your mind will probably keep wandering back to the boss, just pull it back to your distraction thought or affirmation, over and over again. It'll get easier. You could pair this w/ reminding yourself that this will lead to nothing but heartache for you. Over time it'll get easier and you'll notice when your thoughts have drifted quicker. With obsessive thoughts the sooner you cut off the thought and fill your mind w/ another focus the easier it is so don't allow yourself to just think about him for a few minutes before doing the affirmation or distraction. Do it immediately!

[amireallydoing]

Yes I do know how that would end. Which is why I don't plan on doing anything about it. If you notice, im not asking how to get him to leave his g/f and be with me etc. Instead I'm asking for ways I can help myself back away a little bit so this doesn't get any worse. Also, I never said I fantasize about him. I said I think about him, and you can think without having a fantasy. What makes you think I talk about him all the time to my boyfriend?? I never said that. I also never said I am having problems doing my job correctly, as I am not having any such issue.

[amireallydoing]

I know if I weren't attracted to him the things he were doing would be inappropriate, obviously. But to be honest I may have started it all....I'm a huge flirt, which as I mentioned is part of my personality, but im much more flirty with him. I say things that open the door on purpose and he plays off of it.... but he did things that made me think it was ok to open the door so I did..... really i am just as much to blame as he is....

[amireallydoing]

Thank you for actually offering advice as opposed to judgment! To answer your question, no I don't really interact with him anymore than I need to for work. However our offices are only a few feet apart, anytime I go to the bathroom I have to pass his office, anytime he goes anywhere he has to pass mine. He is the boss, i'm an account assistant...very small firm...only 4 in our office so we work close, like it or not.....

[missmarple]

really i am just as much to blame as he is....

 

Except he's over 20 yrs older than you and YOUR BOSS. It was/is his responsibility to not flirt back even if a (much younger) employee flirts with him. Don't make excuses for him..this isn't some random guy you met at a bar, you're on different levels, both work-wise and age-wise. He has NO excuse.

[lavenderdove]

Look, there are lots of gray haired wolves out there who just love toying with young girls to boost their egos... they are worried about themselves losing their young buck mojo so they start flirting with any or all younger girls who they think will have them.

 

If he is flirting with you like that, he's most likely a man hound who enjoys the chase, and sees your adoration and gets a little frisson of pleasure as in 'yeah, i've still got it... look how that younger woman wants me...'

 

Now he may just be a flirt and be having fun flirting with you, but lots of older men who do this kind of thing are looking for spice on the side. It's EXTREMELY unprofessional of him if he's the boss to flirt with you, and in fact most companies don't tolerate boss-subordinate relationships because they can set the company up for a sexual harassment lawsuit.

 

So he's inappropriate on lots of levels: He's old enough to be your father, he has a GF and you have a BF, he's your boss. Any one of those might likely exclude you from taking him seriously.

 

I predict if you continue down this road he might well be ready to bed you, but he is not going to wreck his life for you, though he may well wreck yours. I've seen this scenario repeated again and again over my career, and what almost always happens is if you start taking him seriously as a potential partner (rather than a fling), he will dump you like a hot rock because he will not jeopardize his career over you. And he'll swear you're a stalker or obsessive or that you're the office tramp who trolls for any guy she can get, and you willl then get transferred to another job and/or fired or laid off at the first convenient opportunity, while he will be unscathed.

 

And you will have the pleasure of watching him do this to other young women after he gets done with you and tosses you aside.

 

Get a grip on yourself. This is not a big romance, this is you being a bit bored with your own relationship and getting addicted to the fun of flirting with your boss (an easy target because you are in close proximity every day).

 

If you want to stop this, then your first line of defense is recognizing how dangerous this is to your own career and job. If/when he tires of you or decides you are out of control and getting too obvious and there is too much office gossip about it, he'll find a way to shunt you aside. And office gossip will start up and label you as the office trollop chasing her much older boss either because she is foolish and besotted or because she's the type to sleep with her boss in order to get special favors, special treatment, raises, promotions etc. (i.e., office prostitute willing to sell herself for gain to the boss).

 

So you'll look like a desperate fool at best, and a calculating schemer at worst, and he'll he basking in the glow of being thought of as a stud because he can manipulate and attract young women even though his knees are creaky and he'll be on medicare in the not too distant future.

 

So for your own sake, your own mental health, your career, and your heart, knock it off. The problem is you are seeing him as a long term possibility for a real romance, but all he might end up doing is giving you a grand tour of his penis (think President Clinton/Monica Lewinsky) then denying there was anything there if you expect more from him then the pleasure of giving him a BJ.

 

and when he gets bored or you get too insistent or he spies a new young girl, he will find a way to bounce you out of his realm if you get too tiresome and demanding or it looks like someone higher up than him disapproves and it might affect his career.

 

Use common sense here. Never chase the boss, and focus on your JOB. This is not a bar where you go to pick up men, and you need to get a grip and realize it. And you owe your BF both emotional and physical fidelity, and you are seriously breaching this at this point.

 

This is a path to destruction that I've watched many times in the office over my career. I have mentored many young women during my career, and the path you are going down now is career suicide and destined to have you self destruct in flames. And I've seen too many cases where these middle aged men chortle among themselves, laugh up their sleeves, and try to pass around young girls among themselves when they tire of them. Your reputation will be ruined, and he will have had a little sport and fun and brag to his office buddies about what great jugs you have, or how he tolerates the cottage cheese cellulite on your thighs because you latch onto his penis like a succubus and give great head. They'll be having drinks after work and discussing the pros/cons of the various young girls they are bedding like you're a piece of meat or a prostitute.

 

And when he decides it is over, he will be none the worse for wear and you will be devastated and heartbroken. That will be a very bitter pill for you to swallow. So it may be fun now, but the ultimate price is way, way too high, even if you're not seeing it now.

[Batya33]

Keep reminding yourself as often as it takes that of course you can control what you say and do -even if it's difficult to do so. Remind yourself that you'd like to keep your job or give yourself other bribes and incentives to behave in a professional, mature way. Or negative reinforcement for bad behavior - give $10 (or some similar amount that you will feel) to charity each time you choose to flirt with him. It might be worth it to look for another job.

[jjkk]

In addition to the distraction/affirmations when you think of him, I suggest "acting as if" as in acting as if you're not attracted to him. It'll take some practice and getting yourself mentally prepared as your personality is flirty and you two already have a flirtatious dynamic to your interactions. Maybe visualize how you'd interact w/ him if you weren't attracted to him and channel your inner actress and be prepared and practice it for a day. Maybe your affirmation could be "I'm acting as if I'm not attracted to him" and get yourself in that mindset before walking past his office or asking him a question.

 

It takes practice but you may find it helpful. I've never used this in your specific situation (attraction to someone) but I've used it in other situations when I'm nervous or hurting or full of shame, etc. Act is if I'm confident or whatever. It's been helpful to me in the past. It's worth a try but it does take some practice and focus.

[amireallydoing]

The problem is you are seeing him as a long term possibility for a real romance, but all he might end up doing is giving you a grand tour of his penis (think President Clinton/Monica Lewinsky) then denying there was anything there if you expect more from him then the pleasure of giving him a BJ.

 

Honestly, I don't see him as a long term possibility.... I don't plan on taking it anywhere, but if I were, I would just want to the out of him -- nothing more.....

 

can i even say that on here? literally my first time really participation in a forum EVER

[amireallydoing]

The problem is you are seeing him as a long term possibility for a real romance, but all he might end up doing is giving you a grand tour of his penis (think President Clinton/Monica Lewinsky) then denying there was anything there if you expect more from him then the pleasure of giving him a BJ.

 

Honestly, I don't see him as a long term possibility.... I don't plan on taking it anywhere, but if I were, I would just want to the out of him -- nothing more.....

 

can i even say that on here? literally my first time really participation in a forum EVER

 

ok, obviously i cant say there here because they took the words out...i would just want to screw the crap out of him

[HeartGoesOn]

I love my boyfriend. We rarely fight but we do have our moments like everyone, we put equal effort into the relationship, we trust each other and communicate well etc. But with that being said, sometimes as humans we have feelings that we can’t control.

 

This is not being judgmental, but if your relationship is this strong (as above), why not discuss this with your boyfriend?

[lavenderdove]

btw, if you want practical advice on how to get a grip on it, you need to make a list of the negative consequences of becoming the office tart, and read them every morning. And you KNOW when you're flirting, so keep things strictly business and if he tries to start, just immediately change the subject to discuss work. Back peddle away as fast as you can, and don't let the fantasy that this will turn out OK if you let it continue fill your head. You need to come back down to reality and recognize how harmful this flirting is to you, your career, your reputation, and your relationshiip, and stop playing with fire.

 

Drinking a whole bottle of vodka is fun too, but there are consequences such as hangovers and liver damage. You need to focus on the same things here to get a grip on yourself. This isn't harmless fun.

 

Of course you could shag the crap out of him. But do you really want to be the office trollop and the subject of gossip and potential demotion/layoffs because of it? These big corporate middle aged boys love their playtime, but invariably they find a way to bounce their toys out when they get bored with them or a new toy comes along, and they always do.

[amireallydoing]

This is not being judgmental, but if your relationship is this strong (as above), why not discuss this with your boyfriend?

 

I kind of have... I told him I think he flirts with me.... He could care less because he knows I won't act on it, and he's right, I won't. He trusts me with good reason..... I'm not asking how to get the guy in bed, I'm asking how to help me get over this!!

[amireallydoing]

Drinking a whole bottle of vodka is fun too, but there are consequences such as hangovers and liver damage. You need to focus on the same things here to get a grip on yourself. This isn't harmless fun.

 

 

i dont drink. haha.... loved this analogy though!!

[lavenderdove]

>> I'm not asking how to get the guy in bed, I'm asking how to help me get over this!!

 

You tell him that you're starting to get uncomfortable becasue the flirting isn't appropriate between a boss and subordinate, people will talk, and you both have other partners, so you'd rather table it and stop and just go back to being professional rather than flirting. If he won't draw that boundary, then you need to do it.

 

btw, please don't kid yourself that he's doing it because he knows you're a 'good person' and won't cross the boundary. It is a HUGE game to him to see if he can entice you to violate boundaries. It's an ego boost knowing he can play you and you purr and roll over like a kitten in his lap. This isn't harmless and it is definitely not about being 'good people' or he wouldn't do it to begin with. Not appropriate at all in the workplace but he's enjoying the game too much to build his ego and loves that he can get you to purr and rub yourself on him like a cat in heat. It's a fun game, with very high stakes for you, but notsomuch for him because he's played it many many times before and knows the outcome, that he'll be thought of as a stud while he can always lie his way out of this and bounce you out if you become tiresome or expect too much from him.

 

Don't be naive! Learn from this and put this aging Lothario on the shelf and go home and spice things up with your BF (or get a new BF (outside of work) if you're too bored with the one you have).

[HeartGoesOn]

literally my first time really participation in a forum EVER

 

Hmmmm, really?

[amireallydoing]

the thing is it doesnt make me uncomfortable and i like it just as much as he does..... if it could stay where it is now, just flirty and fun id do it forever, but if it keeps progressing the way it has been then i need to gain some major self control because if the opportunity presented itself id have a hard time turning it down but i dont want to cheat on my b/f. i know that sounds crazy and doesnt even make sense that i want to do it but then again i dont, but thats how i feel. i could be totally wrong about him, but i dont think he is some perv that does this to all girls.

[amireallydoing]

Hmmmm, really?

yes, really. just joined today hoping to gain some impartial perspective on this.... never been a member of a forum board before this except for like commenting on news sites etc.

[SooSad33]

Put the interests and chemistry aspects aside!

1) You're both in relationships.

2) this is your workplace, there should NOT be any involvement here.

3) He is your boss and you should BOTH be acting 'professional'. You're not.

 

Somewhere down the road, something is going to go haywire and things are going to happen... not necessarily in a good way.

So, you can choose to get it together and NOT risk your job or your relationship.. or you can keep flirting with a mess to come. Your choice.

[amireallydoing]

3) He is your boss and you should BOTH be acting 'professional'. You're not.

 

So I am to suppose that he is acting perfectly in your opinion?

[itsallgrand]

Have you stopped to think what your responses through out all this may have been had you felt/been a confident woman? You yourself have admitted you do not feel confident, and you do not think very much of yourself.

 

Most women have encountered at one point or another a man in the workplace who crosses a line. When your boss made dirty comments to you, that was a line crossed.

 

Instead of getting offended and seeing this as a warning signal though that this is not a man who you can trust, your attraction to him grew along with his inappropriateness. Instead of increasing professional distance and establishing clear boundaries with him, your have opened up and blurred those boundaries further deliberately.

 

I think if you want to stop, it starts with looking at yourself. We can never have full control over what others do out there. In your life, you'll encounter more than one situation like this where a man feels around to see if you are an 'easy target'. It's up to you to spot these guys when they appear.

 

Part of that may be for you to accept that being flirtatious in the workplace is not simply 'part of your personality' but a deliberate choice in how you exercise your judgment.

[mhowe]

Lavender NAILED it.