Need help with an unusual no-contact situation

[Spooly]

Hi--I'm a new user.

 

I'm older (50) and am in a very hard situation that differs quite a bit from the typical dumper / dumpee dynamic. I would appreciate some advice.

 

I met a woman right after my divorce (about 5 years ago), and was in no condition to date seriously. I went out with her quite a bit, but was very honest that I was also seeing other people. I know I made her miserable doing this, but my mind was in a very strange post-divorce frenzy at the time, and I couldn't see how much I was hurting her. She made an effort to stay friends this whole time.

 

Long story short, after years of this, the tables turned. My mind settled, and I wanted a relationship with her, but she no longer trusted me. She then started to treat me strangely, leading me to believe there could be a relationship, but never committing and pulling away physically and mentally. I became miserable, and continued to stay with her, supposedly as "just friends" although neither of us was seriously dating other people (I was trying to date, I was still hung up on her and never felt right about it).

 

About 5 months ago, I said that if we were going to be friends, I needed to pull back a bit and not discuss all my dating attempts with other people. She basically said that if I couldn't tell her everything we couldn't be friends any longer. We said goodbye harshly. I then wrote her, explaining that I just was unable to move on while being so close to her, and being "required" to tell her everything about my dating life wasn't working. I said that I would stay away (no contact) until I honestly could be friends without wanting more. We haven't spoken since then.

 

I found out recently that she had been seriously dating someone else since shortly after that last conversation, although I don't know the details. It really crushed me to hear this. I really want to be her friend again (without the drama). We were great together in many ways, and I feel like I "officially" ended it, despite the long strange taper off.

 

My question: Would it be OK to send her an invitation to a casual lunch and just try to be friends again, or is this too soon? Is it all too damaged to be salvageable, and should I stay away forever? I do feel like she was a great love, and the timing of it all was just horrible.

 

I would very much appreciate anything anyone could contribute.

 

S

[lavenderdove]

She wanted a commitment, and 5 years is a really long time to go without getting one. And opportunities to date someone and stay in their lives forever are not open forever if you don't commit at the right time. And if she commits to someone else, that usually means that she won't be seeing her exes as friends, since most people in serious relationships don't go for that.

 

If you are not over her (truly) then don't contact her. And if you contact her, don't be surprised if she says no if she is serious about someone else. You need to focus on letting go and moving on. If you feel you ended badly and want to send her a note saying you are sorry it ended that way and if she ever wants to catch up let you know, but otherwise for your own sake you need to let go and start focusing on other women.

[pfbsurf]

Move on. it sounds like you still have very strong feelings/love for her, but are disguising this as a plea for "friendship".

 

And, if she is seriously dating someone, you really have no business trying to get back into her life, considering your feelings for her. The best scenario for you would be to move on, and maybe, just maybe, she comes back around to you at some point. But probably not.

 

it sucks, but you have to cut all ties and get on with your life.

[abitbroken]

Nope. Let her move on with her life. She has a boyfriend. There is no chance of getting back together. Truly, you weren't ready for a relationship when you met her and you did not honor that. Now, focus on healing and moving on so that you can have a real relationship with a new woman when the time is right and to be fully over this one.

[Stay_home]

It's possible to be friends... but because there was some level of physical intimacy that may no longer be possible. Now that she's moved on perhaps you should do the same. Sticking in there isn't going to do you any good.

[Spooly]

Thank you everyone for the advice. I know lots of people who are good friends with their exes (I am with a number of other ones), and would love for this to be one of those situations. We were very close despite all that happened. Does anyone have advice for how to approach this if I did want to try to remain friends? Should I wait longer?

 

S

[Stay_home]

Thank you everyone for the advice. I know lots of people who are good friends with their exes (I am with a number of other ones), and would love for this to be one of those situations. We were very close despite all that happened. Does anyone have advice for how to approach this if I did want to try to remain friends? Should I wait longer?

 

S

 

Perhaps if enough time passes you can attempt to. But I wouldn't roll all of my dice on it.

[SooSad33]

You can NOT be friends with an Ex UNTIL those 'feelings' are gone.

I think you can understand now?

 

 

Much too soon to ask for friendship again at this time.

I feel you're reaching out again BECAUSE of what you've learned about her dating? Don't go there,

 

YOU need some down time to work on accepting & healing from your Break up now.

Give it another 6 months then see IF you want to try n be a 'friend'?

[reinventmyself]

I am friends with a couple ex's. This happened well after the feelings had passed and we had gone on to other relationships

I don't have the exact time frame but I will guess well over a year had passed before we reconnected at a friend level. One guy I dated and was madly in love with as well as heartbroken is now my best friend and we've double dated. But then again I dated him over 5years ago?

I agree with others. Be fair to her and let her go. She was there for you when you weren't ready and it was good that you were upfront with her during that time.

If you care for her you won't upset what's she's got going on now.

I know that's probably hard to hear.

Human nature often makes us want things we can't have and overlook things when they are right in front of us.

Things tend to work out the way they're supposed to.

[Spooly]

Thanks again everyone. Yes, I agree with all of you. The emotions are still too close to the surface on my part. I'll give it another 6 months and see if I still feel the need to reach out.

 

I miss her badly, but I know that she's in a different place, and it wouldn't help to get involved now.

I have to say, though, that the thought that I could still reach out in the future helps me get through the hard part happening now. It isn't hope of reconciliation, just knowing that she potentially isn't gone from my life forever feels much more tolerable.

[abitbroken]

You have to go no contact and get to the point where it doesn't bother you one way or the other whether you talk to her ever again or not. THAT is the only time when exes can be friends. They are completely over eachother. I can honestly say that if I ran into my first ex for legitimate reasons - my nephew and his son ended up on the same baseball team, that i was the new person at his office and didn't know he already worked there, I could be cordial, etc, and maybe even be casual friends with he and his wife if that happened (i totally am not attracted to him anymore and have a boyfriend) - you know, talk at ball games but not be deep friends. But if I never see him again, thats okay also. And if that circumstance happened, i wouldn't be thinking about him in between times i ran into him at games. My more recent ex - heck no, I never want to see him again and would cross the street the other way if I thought i did.

 

However, I had a situation where my ex (same one), hoped to try to be friends with me in X amount of months after breakup. He DID try to call me and it was perceived as creepy to me because he called X amount of time to the date that we broke up like he was sitting there all this time just waiting for that moment and had not moved forward/

 

If you have the attitude that "as long as I can talk to her again" it prevents you from really meeting anyone else.

[Spooly]

Thanks abitbroken.

 

I know in my head that you are right, and I hope to get to that point of indifference soon. Having a period of time after which I can contact her is more of a strategy to get through these rough times. I hope to be at the point of not wanting to call when it actually arrives.

 

I know that it is over, so I'm not holding out hope of anything. It hurts now, though, so whatever self-soothing technique works, I'm going to use (as long as I'm not deluding myself into hoping something more will eventually happen).

 

I'm dating a bit and trying to move on, so not just sitting and waiting...

 

I really appreciate all the thoughtful responses on this site...

[reinventmyself]

"I miss her badly, but I know that she's in a different place, and it wouldn't help to get involved now."

 

It's probably how she may have felt when she first dated you. . Something to think about.

 

Don't mean to pile on the hurt . . You sound like a good man and you will do the right thing

[abitbroken]

Please don't date other women right now while pining for your ex. It is not fair to them, just as it was not fair to have been dating your ex when you weren't over your ex wife. If you sleep with any of the new dates and get attached or go out a number of times and get used to her, or she decides she really likes you and pursues you more, you are back to square one with another relationship you are so surprised doesn't work out. Go out with your male friends and family members to get out of the house. Or join new clubs, etc - but absolutely do not go on romantic dates.

[Live-N-Learn]

Something to consider...finding out she is dating someone else may just be a trigger for some abandonment, self worth issues? This may not be about her at all. Good to ask yourself if you felt this way when you knew you could have her. I doubt it because you were not being triggered. Just a thought.

[Spooly]

Yes, it's true. Even though our relationship was very back and forth, I always saw her as an important constant in my life. As soon as I found out she was with someone else (and that it was serious), All the horrible anxiety and depression began. I know that no contact is the only way out, but it is the hardest thing I've ever gone through.

 

I'm not sure where the abandonment issues may have come from. I had a very stable childhood, and even my marriage tapered off and didn't feel traumatic when it ended (my ex wife and I still own a business together). This is the only relationship in my life that has created these horrible feelings of abandonment when it ended.

 

Any insight?

[Live-N-Learn]

Well, I can only tell you how it worked with me. Each of us has to find their own way. When I knew a girl liked me and thought I was special, it felt good and brought me a level of self worth, security and value. When that was taken away, she became amazing and I was full of thoughts of being replaced, abandoned and it triggered my self worth issues. It was especially intense if she was with another man. I wanted her back to eliminate my pain. It was all about me. It was very selfish motives to be honest.

 

I realized that there was a life lesson in all this and an opportunity to work on myself. I did not want to have my self worth of value be decided by another persons opinion of me, or my self induced thoughts of how she must feel about me. Most of the time these really didn't match up with reality but that was my perspective.

 

So I joined a Christian based 12 step program called Celebrate Recovery. I worked through the 12 steps which took around 8 months. I received a lot healing from this program. I can not say that I am completely healed but I am way better off than I was 2 1/2 years ago.

 

I believe these feelings are more about you than her. She is just the trigger that showed you what is inside of you. This is a great opportunity to work on yourself.

 

Best of luck in your healing,

LNL

[Spooly]

You're right in that it is about alleviating my own pain. It's quite a bit of pain! I am going to stay away though until I can honestly say that there are no motives beyond a simple friendship. At least I now know that is the right thing to do and the best way to heal.

[abitbroken]

I did the same thing. And realized that I was terribly codependent . I was very independent when I was younger, but it was developed just to hold my head above water in the relationship and when I was able to unpack it, things did get better

 

But I will also say that - believe us - the more time and physical space you put between you and her, the better you will eventually feel and the world will start to make sense again. At first I was trying to improve so that I would have whatever qualities I needed so that my ex would give me the time of day. But at a certain point, I was working through things for me and not to create any other result with anyone else. If you say that you need to make sure you talk to someone agan, you are going to hld yourself back.

[Spooly]

We sound very similar. I was the most independent person imaginable when I was younger, but sometime after my divorce, I became horribly codependent. I still feel the need to have "that one person" I can grab on to---the life-preserver...

 

I know that I may never see or talk to her again. That is the likelihood. But right now, I'm getting through this rough part by just keeping the idea of being friends someday alive in my head. In my last conversation with her I said: "I'll be in touch when I can honestly be friends without wanting more." And right now I still want to be able to do that. Maybe in a month or two I'll be strong enough to let go of that last thread as well.

[Ms Darcy]

Sounds like you have a pattern of running to others instead of dealing with the pain of separation. You ran to this girl after your marriage. Now you are trying to run to her for friendship.

 

I think you should leave her alone for a long time - until you are OK hearing about her love life.

 

I don't believe that someone can string someone along/treat them poorly for years and truly love that person. What they love is what that person does for them - their egos. And the loss of that attention can be devastating.

[Spooly]

I fully own up to the pain I caused her early in our relationship, and I apologized profusely years ago. People do change. When I was just out of my marriage, I was a very different person, and I look back on that with shame. After that time, however, (for the year and a half before we went no contact) she did a similarly damaging thing to me-- stringing me along with promises, then dropping me many times without warning. If I was cynical, I would think it was intentional payback, but I think it was just honest confusion and a chaotic brew of emotion.

 

It was obviously a damaged relationship, but I have great empathy for why we both behaved the way we did, and lots of forgiveness. It isn't as simple as "you don't do these things to someone you love". There is often a lot of baggage from childhood and previous relationships to fight through, especially at my age, and that often makes love a struggle. Honestly, I think I love her more because of the struggle.

[abitbroken]

We sound very similar. I was the most independent person imaginable when I was younger, but sometime after my divorce, I became horribly codependent. I still feel the need to have "that one person" I can grab on to---the life-preserver...

 

I know that I may never see or talk to her again. That is the likelihood. But right now, I'm getting through this rough part by just keeping the idea of being friends someday alive in my head. In my last conversation with her I said: "I'll be in touch when I can honestly be friends without wanting more." And right now I still want to be able to do that. Maybe in a month or two I'll be strong enough to let go of that last thread as well.

 

I suggest you seek out a divorce support group. It doesn't matter if its been a week or 5 years after a divorce - its still fresh sometimes. You distracted yourself with a relationship instead of working through it. You also should examine what ended your marriage (your part of it) and learning how to enjoy your own company

[Spooly]

Good advice on re-learning how to enjoy my own company. That is the key. I have a very good therapist for support as well.

 

Again, this forum has been so helpful with very honest comments. I appreciate it.