Am I Interfering in Matters I Shouldn't? Or am I Doing the Right Thing?

[deadmareish]

This might be a long one guys, sorry.

Also don't know if I've posted in the right section... But eh.

 

One of my best friends has recently introduced some of her 'childhood' friends to me and now we all hang out in a big group. All these friends happen to be guys and there is one in particular (Lets call him Guy A) who is absolutely infatuated with my friend. He has been ever since they met. My friend has never gotten with this guy because she was in a relationship for a very long time so they've just been friends all these years. Anyway, she broke up with this boyfriend a while ago, go with another person literally the day after but now they are no longer together. In between this I broke up with my boyfriend and I slept with Guy A (rebound). I should also mention that Guy A is in the Army and he comes back every weekend or so and he's not on leave here at home for 2 weeks.

 

Ok so if we go back to over the last couple of months first... We go out 'on the town' a lot together. EVERY time we go out there ends up being some sort of drama due to my best friend and Guy A always arguing. Basically what happens is my friend gets drunk and the she makes out with Guy A and tells him things like how she has feelings for him and that gets his hopes up but then she takes it all back once she sobers up. It's been kind of stuck on that cycle. ANYWAY, there's also another guy in the group (He's Guy B) that I ended up sleeping with (rebound again.) I have no feelings for these guys, they're are my friends and some things just 'accidently' happened due to too much alcohol. Guy B and my friend have been friends for as long as her and Guy A, Guy A and B are also best friends as they've known one another all of their lives. Guy B and my friend have NEVER done anything 'romantic' as far as I know anyway. Right so, we were out one night and the my friends starts making out with Guy B ... I swear she did it just because I slept with him too. It all kind of pathetic and these guys fall over her.

 

So, I'm waffling now I'll try and get to the point now. Two weeks ago my friend and Guy A slept together and then Two days ago they slept together again. Now my friend is saying that she has feelings for him too and they are apparently going to talk about how they feel and everything. The thing is, all the rest of the group is really encouraging it, but I think it'll be a really bad idea! I love my friend but she will break the poor boys heart. It's just one of those things that won't work out. Here's why:

 

1. It's clear that my friend still has feelings for her ex.

2. My friend still see's her ex and she's been sleeping with him. (Guy A doesn't know this)

 

Now I personally think that my friend does not have real feelings for Guy A. She has never been single for more then a couple of months and she always ends up back with her ex, she's been out with one other person and she jumped to him straight after her and her long term ex broke up. I think she is planning on jumping on Guy A because she doesn't like being single, and she knows this boy will do literally ANYTHING for her. I think she's taking advantage of him and the way he cares for her. Not to sound like a mega B*** but I also think that just because I slept with him and we get on really well she wants to show she can take him away from me sort of thing. My friend would cheat on her ex and he was 'the love of her life' so she's just going do something like that again! Also as soon as her ex clicks his fingers she'll go running back to him. Guy A loves my friend so much I feel he'll be too overpowering for her, too protective or clingy and my friend hates those kinds of guys so she'll get tired of it.

 

I've tried to explain reasonably to both of them that it isn't going to work but they just do the opposite of what advice I give them.

A form of anything more then friendship is doomed and I'm the only one that can see it and I'm the only one who has the guts to tell them.

 

I feel like I'm beating a dead horse now. I know that I shouldn't get involved but Guy A is my friend too, I care for him and I don't want to see him hurt. It's also going to effect the rest of us, if it ends badly then the group will be tarnished.

 

Do you guys think I am interfering? Do I sound like an awful person?

I just don't want them both or the rest of us to suffer.

 

If my friend came on here for advice what would you say?

Would you encourage them to still get together?

[lavenderdove]

I couldn't even read this all. Too much drama and NO healthy boundaries among any of you.

 

My first piece of advice: If you are over the age of 18, just entirely stop all this random drunken making out with guys. You're getting old enough to rot your liver, and way too old to just make out with random guys for the heck of it. It's really kind of sleazy and confuses the heck out of everybody and leads to all kinds of blown boundaries like this.

 

Next piece of advice: Worry about your own love life and start dating in a NORMAL way rather than drunken make out sessions and random hookups with random guys. If you want a stable and drama free life, quit hanging around in bars with all these people like a pack of hungry mongrels, and start doing one-on-one dating where you plan dates alone together, get to know each other sober, and understand what the goals of dating are by discussing it rather than just coupling and uncoupling as a pack in bars.

 

Next piece of advice: Stay out of other people's romantic business. If you want to date a guy, then start dating him. Don't bring him to these drunken make out sessions with all your friends. Again, if you're over 18, you shoudl start forming one on one relationships rather than doing everything as a herd. And that includes messing in other people's business. Let your friend snog anybody she pleases if that is how she wants to live her life but you need to start living it as an adult rather than like a bunch of confused teenagers. Start going on your own dates, and don't worry about who she is dating. That is her business and not yours. You need to start practicing the concept of personal privacy and trust between you and your BF rather than indulging in this group kissing bangfest kind of nonsense.

 

So cut back on the drinking and hanging out in bars, quit the drunken random snogging and shagging, and start dating like an adult rather than a teenager, and let other people's romantic lives be their own.

[deadmareish]

ERM, I don't make out with random guys or hang around in sleazy bars for your information.

Also, I don't want to date seriously I just got out of a relationship. We don't drink every night like your implying either by the. Maybe I've worded the story wrong or maybe you need to re read it.

 

Secondly I know its not my business but if it effects the rest of my friendships shouldn't

I have the right to have my say? I was getting involed in it all really I was just trying to help my friends from doing something thats just going to hurt them and leave them with regret.

 

You don't have to speak to me like that either thank you very much I'm not a child. You don't even know me so its not fair to be rude like that.

[lavenderdove]

>>but if it effects the rest of my friendships shouldn't I have the right to have my say?

 

I'm not being rude I'm being honest. You wrote a very long dissertation there about people making out and snogging each other without a thought, and are swapping sex partners randomly and frequently among yourselves quite easily based on the amount of booze involved and a person's mood. And among the same little group of friends which really is deeply unwise and something you need to grow out of unless you want to all be swingers and have very liberal attitudes towards fidelity, sex, and relationships. If that is fine with you, then have at it, but be aware that these kinds of random sexual couplings among a small circle of friends come along with a whole lot of drama, confusion, boundary violations and in the end lots of hurt feelings and resentments as you are experiencing now.

 

So you're really not seeing the inconsistency here. You are snogging and bedding different guys in your circle and seem to think it is OK, but now you are saying it is not OK for your friend to do it. How do you want to live your life? You can't do it yourself and say it is OK because you want to do it, but then when your friends do it say it is unwise and bound to lead to hurt.

 

So you don't like the image you are presenting of yourself even though you are clearly spelling out that your behavior is cavalier in terms of snogging around and sleeping around among your circle of friends. And now you don't want your friend to do it because you say it 'impacts friendships'. Didn't what you did with these guys do that? It either did or it didn't. And it will or it won't when your friend does it either.

 

So you can raise your bar and stop alternately mating then berating each other's behavior, or you can decide that this casual sexual swapping behavior you are all engaging in is OK in which case you need to keep your mouth shut and let everybody have at it. But you cannot do it yourself while saying it is not OK for your friend to do it. It's not worse when she does it than when you do it.

 

And you need to accept that it may not be not wise for either of you to do it and stop having these incestuous little snogging/bedding sessions among the same group of people who are supposed to be friends and not swingers unless you all want a whole lot of trouble and drama and ultimately shattered friendships and resentments.

 

You don't have much moral high ground here with your friend because you've slept with these guys yourself without any real commitment or dating intentions. So you need to let that go and decide who you really want to be, the random snogger/shagger girl, or a person who values relationships, friendships, and commitment. Then based on that decision, you live consistently rather than having one set of rules for yourself and another set for other people including your female friend and who she should and should not bed and play with.

[amipushy]

You should butt out. What they do is none of your concern. If he or she gets hurt, its their look out. Nothing to do with you.

 

Also, if they do get together and end up in a LTR they will discuss everything you have said to both of them and cut you off for interferring.

[ParisPaulette]

You're not an awful person, but you're allowing yourself to get sucked into the middle of a drama between friends that a) isn't your problem to fix and b) you've done your best to still try and help them with and they actively refuse to do so.

 

At this point you need to bow out of it and when either of them brings up the issues you tell them, "No, I am done being a go-between, it's up to you to handle it." And you walk away. And everyone needs to put the freaking alcohol down already, jeez.

[catfeeder]

I would keep my mouth shut and take Guy A off the table for sleeping with.

 

They've had their dynamic going on long before you came along, and they will both turn on you and punt you out of their lives so they can continue long after you're gone.

 

Skip the whole moral dilemma thing if you want to romp around with this group--it doesn't go together. Just keep your own nose clean, and don't every justify trying to stir up trouble.

[deadmareish]

Ok, so I've obviously wrote this thread and it's coming accross wrong.

I've only slept with Guy A once. I have never come close or never had the desire to sleep with him again.

I am not commending my friend for sleeping with the guy that wasn't the problem the problem was that they were thinking about getting into a relationship when they aren't right for each other.

 

Secondly, everyone seems to be bothered by how much we drink? I don't see why? We drink maybe once a week or every other week. Are you guys telling me that you don't or didn't go on a night out drinking with friends at least that much?

 

Also, some people have been quite rude here. I just wanted some advice and some input and support about my friends, which I thought was the point in the forum. I don't come here to be yelled at about the people I choose to sleep with and so forth. I give respect out to people no matter what their situation is, I should receive it too.

 

I'm grateful for parts of advice I did receive though. I had decided before I posted this thread and told my friends that I wasn't going to get involved and if they did get together I was not going to be around to listen to all the complaints and all I wasn't going to stick around when evidently they break up. I just wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing.

[Capricorn3]

^THIS. I agree with this (and the other posts) 100%. Also OP, I don't see anyone being rude here at all. They all responded to the information that YOU provided. It may not be all that you wanted to hear, or like to hear, but you asked for opinions and that's what you got. No-one has been rude or out of line here (imo).

[lavenderdove]

>>when they aren't right for each other.

 

You can't know that. Only the two people know that. and if they are enjoying each other and happy about it, there is nothing wrong with exploring to see whether it is right or not. Sometimes it works out, and sometimes it doesn't. That is life, but you're not the oracle who gets to decide whether people are right for each other or not. You can decide that for yourself, but not other people.

 

The comments about drinking are because you are saying people in this little friends group keep getting drunk and sleeping together when drunk only because they are drunk and their judgment is impaired and not because they would do so when sober. There is nothing wrong with going out once a week and drinking, but if you are all getting so drunk you start sleeping around with each other in ways you'd never do when sober, then you are drinking way too much and need to not drink to the point you make unwise sexual choices. That is how people get pregnant or pick up STDs, when they get too drunk and start randomly sleeping with people when their judgment is impaired.

 

Nobody is being rude. You just don't like the picture of yourself that is being reflected back to you based on what you are telling people. If you don't like that picture, then maybe you should stop and think about your behavior and change it.

[deadmareish]

^THIS. I agree with this (and the other posts) 100%. Also OP, I don't see anyone being rude here at all. They all responded to the information that YOU provided. It may not be all that you wanted to hear, or like to hear, but you asked for opinions and that's what you got. No-one has been rude or out of line here (imo).

 

It's not that I don't like to hear it. Honestly, I wouldn't of posted this if I cared about the judgement I was going to get. But I feel as if some of the advisors here have souly focused on myself and the people I sleep with rather than the issue at hand. I feel that their words are too sharp and mainly just come accross at preaching and shouting at me rather then supporting my thread.

 

The thread was to get advice on how to deal with my friends, it wasn't about how much alcohol I choose to consume or the people I choose to sleep with. Though I do respect people's own opinions and I hold no grudges to what was said here, I feel there could of been better ways to have a discussion about all of this, and air out concerns which I appreciate that's what they seem to be. Seeming to shout at me doesn't get the point accross, it just makes me feel small. Maybe it's just me and I'm taking this too sensitively, but either way I feel slightly be littled and disrespected.

 

Anyway I apologize for jumping to conclusions in any case. Next time I'll be sure to word the posts carefully and try to fill in gaps I've clearly left for people.

[deadmareish]

The thing is I can know that. I know that because these are my friends, people I spend time with, people I've gotten to know. I know how my best friend is and the way she behaves and I know that this other poor guy is not a strong enough person in character to deal with her. I'm not deciding that they can or can't be together. I'm just expressing that the shouldn't be, and I as I said at the bottom of my thread, it's really about the impact on all of us it will have if/when it doesn't work out. It's about potentially losing some friends tat have grown dear to me.

 

People get drunk and they sleep with other people. It just happens. No I haven't slept with these friends while sober but I have also learnt and not slept with them again being drunk or not. I had express that in the post also. This is what I mean, you don't know me. I obviously have taken my own precautions on staying safe and I also find it more unlikely to stay safe with friends then a stranger off the street. But maybe that's just me.

 

Personally I don't care of the picture I have put accross to someone I don't know, who is sitting behind a computer screen probably half way accross the world. I just don't like being spoken to with such disrespect. I wouldn't do it to you if you had a situation I didn't agree with. But again, maybe that's me.

 

I am no longer arguing with you over the matter, though maybe I don't agree with the way you've gone about it I do appreciate your honesty and your advice. I took it in hand no matter what you said. I just wanted to clear things up, like I said in my last post I'll just try to make sure I get everything down correctly without gaps so mis interpretations don't happen.

 

So, thank you for what you have inputted.

[Capricorn3]

I would agree with you that you are over sensitive (and very defensive), but that doesn't mean that people have been rude to you. They merely responded to the information given.

[ParisPaulette]

I'm grateful for parts of advice I did receive though. I had decided before I posted this thread and told my friends that I wasn't going to get involved and if they did get together I was not going to be around to listen to all the complaints and all I wasn't going to stick around when evidently they break up. I just wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing.

 

Yes, this is absolutely the thing you need to do. Smart girl.

[catfeeder]

But I feel as if some of the advisors here have souly focused on myself and the people I sleep with rather than the issue at hand.

 

This is because your own behavior is your only valid scope of focus. As long as you're done sleeping with Guy A, then you're golden.

 

You DO get to decide whether the behaviors of others are something you want to keep in your own life. I read your followup and think you did just fine. You addressed what you have a right to address--how any potential fallout might impact ~your~ dealings with these people. You've preemptively placed limits on that, and that's all you really need to do.

 

Head high.