deadmareish

I wish I did things differently.

Day 12 Getting easier not to give in, but I still want to give in.

Got it wrong and miss counted - Today is Day 10 Today is a hard day. It's all hit home. 3 months broken up. 2 years wasted. 10 days NC. Even with my friends around today I feel lonely. Today I miss him.

Today it has been exactly 3 months since he broke up with me. I don't necessarily feel sad about either. Day 8

Getting harder to resit messaging him already. Having a rubbish week and I want him to be the one to comfort me. I think it's nothing more then out of habit and no one else seems to be around... Day 7

Posting early, don't know what today will bring. Probably not much. Although I have not been chatting to him, I still have my ex on Facebook. I've been trying not to check up on him either, although it's not hard as he doesn't really post much etc. What I've found myself doing though is always checking to see if I have a little red notification on my messages and if I do my heart jumps thinking it could be him. I also check the side chat bar a lot to see if he's online (I don't know why cos I'm not planning on contacting him) I am thinking of deleting him, but can't bring myself to. I have no phone until the end of next month so if I ever wanted to get in contact with him, Facebook would be the only way. Also don't know whether to tell him I'm deleting him and why (So he doesn't take too much offence) or if I should do it out right and not say anything. It sounds like I'm being silly I know, but it's one of the hardest decisions I've had to make Day 6

Realised today i can't remember the last time i had a dream where he was in it. He was always in my dreams. Day 5

Some parts of this weekend have been bad, but all in all i've stayed with my friends doing stuff to keep my mind of things. Went into town for 5 minutes and ran into him and his 'friend' ... was odd. My heart sank when i saw them. Had to walk right past them too. It had be down for a bit, but i soon managed to get past it. I don't know how long she's staying for, i hope not much longer. I also wonder if he'll reach out to me as before. Though i did tell him not to. Meh. Keep trucking i guess. Day 4

Can't stop thinking about him. Day 3

This weekend is going to be so hard. I cannot cope with the thought of some girl staying around his at the weekend, whether they're best friends and whether he says something will not happen. My plan is to just drink myself to death and not have any memory of this weekend at all. Day 2

Day one This will be the final time I need to start over!

I give up.

I'm gunna bump this up to day 3 as i realised i havent had any contact with the ex since sunday. My ex loves classic horrors and i watched Psycho last night. Wanted to tell him about it. I have no real urges to contact him, however every time i logg into Facebook i check with a little hope to see if i have an unread message from him. Can't wait for the feelings to be gone. They just keep dragging me down. I always feel sad.

I'm weak. I saw him on Thursday. He messed with me, as he always does. He took me out for dinner, slept with me and stayed the night in my bed with me. I asked him the next day if it all meant he was ready to try again, he said it meant nothing. Spent the weekend out, drank my sorrows away. Thought I'd start no contact again today for a new week and all that. 100% NC now, no semi 'I have a friend excuse' I feel like I can do it, after all it was always him to break the NC first. I feel down and out. I feel hopless. I feel like i'll never be happy again without him. But this is for the best. Day one.

Day 5 Today has been hard. Feeling very unwell and I wish I had him to cuddle me and make me feel better. Feeling very sorry for myself indeed. Was tempted to ask him if he would come hang for a bit. Haven't though. Just going to sleep it off the rest of the day. Hopefully be feeling like my old self tomorrow.

I'm trying to except that this is really over. I mean you told me you want me to get over you... I try to remind myself what a horrible person you can be too... I still just want to be with you. I want to cuddle up to you. I want to kiss you. I want to love you. I still care. I don't understand why you won't listen to me. I don't understand why you won't trust me in what I say. I don't understand your reasons. I don't understand why you can't just push my mistakes aside. I don't understand this Please just love me again.

Day 5 (Still) My ex contacts me again with more pointless chatter. Does this mean something? I don't know. I am telling myself it does not. It's hard not to think there is some sort of motive behind it, maybe he just doesn't like the fact that I am no longer interacting as much with him, but then does that mean something? So many questions are coming up. I think it may just be the fact that I leave him mid conversation and so he tries to get the power back. Can't decide whether to reply. I really can't be arsed with the games. But at the same time, I feel I need to 'win'

Day 5 I admire that everyone doing this is really going for it, I feel bad as my no contact is not the same, as my ex and I share friends we had no choice but to try and work something out. My NC is me not contacting him or giving him the satisfaction of meeting up. Unfortunately if he does talk to me, I have some sort of obligation to reply otherwise arguments and rifts will be caused. Left him again mid way conversation yesterday, felt good. We haven't spoken since. It's funny, for the past 6 weeks I've been thinking I need him around but it's only day 5 of this and I feel the opposite. By now, I would have usually already have asked to hang out but when I think about that idea, I actually find myself not wanting to do so. If only I knew about this when going through my break up. I could have saved my relationship. Oh well.

Want to hang out? Why can't you give me my chance? Why won't you let me let you go? Why do you never give me a serious straight answer? I love you. No, I hate you. No, I love you. You ducked up my head, boy.

Day 4 I think I am going to have to look at this as semi no contact as of the 'friend' situation. I replied to his dumb message, it was a blunt reply, and then he ignored it. I swear he just hates the fact that I have recently just been leaving him with the last word. Mad at myself for not following my instinct and just ignoring his pathetic attempts to try and keep me on the hook. Tired of the games now.

Day 3 He broke no contact. Said something rather uninteresting, i should reply (because of the friend thing) but I feel like I don't really want to Progress

This is not necessarily what I want to say to my ex. But sometimes what I want to put on my FB for all the world to see. So, I have this recent ex. I think most of you will know him. Yeah, him. Well here's a story for all of you to hear, and I bet it isn't the same one you heard from him. It'll be different because his was fiction and mine is not. I'm sure you all have a judgmental opinion now on what a awful human being I am. I cannot disagree I have my flaws, and I take responsibility in my part of the end of our relationship. But before you take to my exes lies and all tut and shake your heads, let me give you a real look into how 2 years with this ex was really like. To every argument I ever started due to lack of attention was buckets full fowl verbal and mental abuse. Outrageous words you wouldn't even call your worse enemy let alone someone you 'love' - Oh and there was that one time, where you didn't like the fact that you made me cry so hard I was hysterical so in frustration you grab me so hard you manage to bruise my arm. Yet you broke up with me because I sometimes treated you badly? There is also the issue where I complained you put your friends before me in almost everything you do. Oh, but that's not true? - What about that time your granddad was sick, and I spent all night comforting you and then offered to take you out on my expense to keep your mind off everything, but then the last minute you cancelled because 'you needed to spend time with your family' but then went out with your friends instead. What about that time where I lost my phone so would sit downstairs every night just to talk to you on Facebook, for you to then tell me you were going to the pub, 'lets continue to talk though' but you'd just ignore me for hours. What about that time, you were drunk and you had worked me up so much in argument I was sobbing down the phone to you, oh, but you had to go because your friends were waiting... and you hung up and left me crying. Does that request of asking to be put before your friends once in a while still sound unfair now? Oh but wait, it gets far worse now people. Let me tell you all the most awful thing I have ever experienced by anyone ever, let alone my 'perfect' 'loving' 'never did anything wrong' ex. When we accidently got pregnant and I decided to keep it, you told me 'that I was just doing it to ruin your life' how 'you won't let me take you down with me' and how you'll 'have nothing to do with the little brat' and then you proceeded to officially dump me. True, you came around, but I firmly believe it's because you know what people would have thought of you for doing such a dreadful thing. Then probably to solom relief it ended in a miscarriage. While I was in bed curled up in AGONISING pain crying my heart out, what did you do? Cuddle up to me, stay up with me and comfort me, like anything other 'perfect' 'loving' 'I never did anything wrong' boyfriend? Oh wait - you turned over pulled the bed covers over your head and went to sleep. Then moaned the next day how I kept you up. For all those times he lied to me about taking drugs. For all those times he lied to me about what he was doing. For the countless times I wanted to break up with him, and he'd beg me not to, guilt me into sticking around, for the countless chances I gave him. I don't even get one. Well guys. Fair is ducking fair. So before you do all shake the head and tut, before you all have a good laugh at my expense, maybe you should think: My ex is not the 'perfect' 'loving' 'I did nothing wrong' part he told you. My ex is not the most courageous guy for sticking it out as long as he did. My ex is a liar. My ex is a coward. My ex is selfish.

Day 3 The thoughts from yesterday have now quietened down. I find myself thinking 'Oh well' instead of 'Oh no.' It's only day three and through trying to stop myself from contacting him I just remind myself of all the bad traits he has. I think I will really do it this time, feeling optimistic I do wonder how long it will take him to realise that I have not contacted him and if he'll reach out to me. Only time will tell I guess. I do find myself wondering what I'll do if he does reach out ... It will be hard not to reply sometimes, as I agreed we'd continue to be friends - but if I must reply it'll be short, and blunt - just tell him 'sorry, I'm busy washing my hair that day.' \\

Day 2 Thinking about what he was doing last night. Did he go out? Did he meet someone? Did they go home together? ... would usually message him to plan to meet up this week while trying to find out if my thoughts were right. Trying to keep myself busy but the thoughts keep getting in! I'm logging out of FB, just in case.

Day 2 Broke NC Went out last night and got very drunk. Usually I would send you a drunk message, so not having a phone for a while is going to really help. I went out with two guys who I sometimes use for a good time. Thy spent the whole night following and making out with my best friend, yet when home time came around and she was not there, they both decided they wanted ME to choose which one of them to take home. Of course when they had spent the night chasing my friend, but wanted to use me I was angry and in my drunken state, wrote a FB status about it. The ex thought it was about him, so asked if it was so. Still drunk in the morning, I generally forgot about my NC challenge and I messaged him back. GOD DAMMIT. I feel so disappointed with myself. I really wanted to do it this time. So I start again, fresh mind, fresh state. 09/08/2014 is where I start to get back to myself, to what I was before you broke and destroyed me.