I need help getting over a friends with benefits relationship gone wrong

[Liraele]

He continued to call for hookups because you continued to allow it even after the conversation where he made himself clear.

 

Honestly...it's that simple.

[Beth0621]

I don't know he so much uses women for sex, they/I were willing participants. He says he has too much going on in his life to be in a relationship, doesn't need the drama...that's why he has these FWB. What I am trying to understand is why, if I meant nothing to him, did he keep coming back to me? I'll admit, I usually made the first contact, but after 2 days of no contact, he texted me. Why not call someone else? I am 100% drama....and that's part of why I am not his type I guess, but he knows that and yet he kept coming back.

 

I am dwelling on this, I can;t get over it and I can't just let it be. Most of the time he was disrespectful and treated me like crap, but I don't know why I feel this way, but I think it is all a front to cover what he really feels and is afraid of. I honestly think I am in love with him.....how do I move past it? I know I deserve better, but in my mind I see a better side to him....this is crazy that I can't see it for what it is.

 

Guys....when you say a girl is not your type, what does that really mean? Can you go from FWB to a relationship or has that ship sailed? He doesn't even really know me, should I bother trying to backtrack or take his word that he wants nothing more? I really feel like he does.

[lavenderdove]

>> What I am trying to understand is why, if I meant nothing to him, did he keep coming back to me?

 

Because you live in the neighborhood and are an easy source of sex supply. You're like the neighborhood drive-thru McDonald's, where he knows he has a quick place to go when he's hungry for a burger. He's not interested in a 5 course gourmet meal, he just wants to pick up a burger, no muss, no fuss, doesn't cost him much and quick and easy.

 

If you were in an abusive relationship before, and you can't let this guy who disrespects you go, then i think you need to consider counseling to help you understand what a good relationship is about and to help you let go of bad ones and find good ones.

 

Also keep in mind something that is probably going to really hurt your head: Plenty of men will use hookers and it is guaranteed they have no feelings at all for them. They looking for a 'service' from them, not a connection. And this guy has made it very clear that is all he wanted, you to 'service' him and go away and leave him alone otherwise. He's treating you like a free hooker, and it is up to you to value yourself enough to not let him do that.

 

You have to really LISTEN to what he is telling you rather than running this script in your head that IF ONLY x, y, or z happened you'd be perfect for each other. Well, if i won the lottery, i'd be a millionaire, but i'm not holding my breath. Same thing applies here. You are wasting your time and heart on this guy. If you can't leave him alone in spite of the fact that he's basically told you he wants you to be his free hooker, then i think you need to call a counselor rather than calling him.

[Beth0621]

I think I know exactly where he is coming from.....one day he's not sure about us, the next day it's back to sex only. If he is struggling with the fact he may have feelings, why can't he just say that? This is going to sound desperate and ridiculous, but this all came to a head when I told him that I would no longer be just a booty call. I explained to him that if sex is all I wanted, I could go out and get it, but I was emotionally attached to him. I understand his not wanting a relationship right now, so I basically wanted him to tell me that even though we were not committed to each other, that we may be out with other people, that we may even have sex with other people, that when he is with me it is different....that there is more to it. I would have been content with knowing he thought more of me.....I would have continued on with my life, going out, meeting people...and I would have continued to have sex with him....hoping some day he would be ready for more. He never really answered my question...he said that he couldn;t because he wasn;t 100% sure what he wanted to do. Now that I have said some things to him I can;t take back and vice versa, I am wondering if I made a huge mistake....I could have continued having sex with him...at least I would still have something.

[lavenderdove]

Honey you have to LISTEN to what he says. Didn't he multiple times say you 'bothered' him with texting too much and he only wanted sex? That is what he wants. It's not confusing at all, you're just not liking his answer and running this script in your own head because you wanted more from him. You can't apply wishful thinking to relationships.

 

He could have said all kinds of things, such as 'I can't say that I'm in love with you yet, but I really enjoy your company and want to see you more often to explore whether this has the potential to turn into more.' Instead he said, 'You're not my type and all i want is a booty call.' So you told him point blank that you wanted to be more than a booty call, and he said, sorry, you're just a booty call and are too demanding and dramatic and i'm not interested in that.

 

You're trying to hitch your wagon to all these future 'maybe's' and 'what if's' rather than what he is telling you and what he is showing you. You need to work on not engaging in magical thinking and focus on what you are getting. You obviously had very good reason to question his motives, and then you found out bad news, that he doesn't want a relationship with you, you're not his type, and his preferred relationships are FWBs with multiple women. You're just not in the market for the same things, and need to let this go. You are young enough to find another partner, so don't waste time on someone who's said very clearly he doesn't want to be yours!

[Beth0621]

Why can't I just believe what he is saying and accept it? I honestly had no idea that things like this actually happened, being married for so long, I missed the memo on FWB. We never really were friends, he knows very little about me so how can he say I am not his type? It just hurts so much that I got played like this my first time out into the real world. I would have expected this from a college guy, but not from a 40 year old single Dad. Is there a point where men grow up? He always told me he was never out looking for anything, he goes with the flow, if it happens, it happens....so he has FWB until the wind blows him a perfect match? It appears that his "type" has caused nothing but hurt for him. I am holding on to what if's and it is killing me. He didn't want drama, he didn't want to answer to anyone....but yet for months we texted like we could possibly be a couple......does he do this with his other FWB? I went way overboard with the obsessive texting, I own that....but for someone who didn;t want drama, didn;t want to answer to anyone, who says I wasn't his type.....he ALWAYS texted me back. He chose to engage in conversations about our "relationship" He chose to deal with my dramatics and obsessive ways. He could have walked at any time.....but he didn't. He tried, but came back every time. Either I was really, really good in bed OR there was more to it....that's the part thats killing me. If he only wanted sex, he could get it from his other FWB, why did he put up with all the I put him thru?

[abitbroken]

Ok., if you don't know what "casual dating" is, this is casual dating:

 

- Going for coffee to get to know someone

- A play is in town you want to see, so you call up a guy to go with you or vice versa

- going to dinner and a movie

 

You treat each date as one date with no expectations. You get to go on dates to go on dates. Eventually, you pair off with someone in a relationship after going out with different guys as friends or as potential relationships. WHEN YOU ARE READY for a relationship and when you go on enough dates with someone.

 

The problem is that if you were in an abusive marriage, your ex probably swept you off your feet in the very beginning, so that is what you expect. Big fireworks. Users and abusers and commitmentphobes do that. Nice, stable men do not. They go to a woman to a movie because they want to see that movie and thinks she will too, so its a nice chance to get to know her more over ice cream, or they go out to a sports game with her or to dinner And its just dinner, just a game, etc, and it helps them get to know her better.

 

You should go to a divorce support group and a CODA group and stop dating. When you are ready, you should tell yourself that you are new to dating and you will go out on casual dates. You will try to go out with a variety of men to get practice at dating. You will not sleep with any of them. You will just go out on chaste, friendly dates to get to know new people until you think you can handle yourself without latching on to a guy like you did.

[lavenderdove]

there are some divorced people who look at it like they already have their kids so they don't need to marry to have more, and they enjoy their freedom and independence and like their options open rather than feeling any big urge to 'couple up' and live with and marry someone else.

 

And some men are womanizers til the day they die. They just get bored having one woman, and actually value variety and independence and the thrill of the chase over commitment and emotional closeness. So the bachelor/FWB lifestyle suits them just fine. They want their options totally open, to see you and communicate with you when they're in the mood, but no OBLIGATION to be committed to you or take the relationship any further than 'having fun' when he's in the mood for it.

 

So it's just a very different mindset than yours. You see commitment and closeness as something to be valued rather than avoided, and he sees it as cramping his style. Men like this will keep 'coming back' until they get bored with you or it becomes clear that you're expecting way more from them then they want to give and it's become more complicated than they're interested in or the 'price' of your company is too high for them. That's when it ends with them.

 

btw, if you have dramatic and obsessive ways, then frankly it might do you very well to consider therapy to address that. Most people will only put up with that for so long, so it will improve your dating chances if you figure out how to cut down on the drama and obsession.

[Beth0621]

btw, if you have dramatic and obsessive ways, then frankly it might do you very well to consider therapy to address that. Most people will only put up with that for so long, so it will improve your dating chances if you figure out how to cut down on the drama and obsession.

 

I have always been dramatic and a bit obsessive....but.....Funny you should say that.....I have been in counseling and on meds for about 6 months....trying to get out of the funk I've been in with my self esteem and just social anxiety... I was put on an antidepressant....at the beginning of our "relationship" my meds were switched by my family doctor at the suggestion of my psychologist to something stronger, another antidepressant. About 2 weeks in to the new meds, I became completely manic...and he just happened to be there when I was at my absolute worst. I had black out episodes where I would say and do things I have no memory of.....and it was all anger based...I would text consistently, not even giving him a chance to respond. My friends even saw this wasn't me. I went back to my Dr. who sent me to a psychiatrist.....who came to the conclusion that I should have never been on the meds, I was never clinically depressed and that the new meds messed with me so much that they took me all the way to the other side of manic. I explained my behavior to him. I've been weaned off the meds and now have something for anxiety...only when I need it. I'm not gonna lie, I still have a compulsion to blow up his phone, but I am at least able to control it now. The dramatic part? Well, thats what got me into trouble with him yesterday. I don't think before I say things alot of the time and I really went too far, so if there ever was a chance, its gone now.

[abitbroken]

Do you know how nuts it is for a guy to hear that "oh, that wasn't what i really meant, it was the meds that were talking???" And everytime we say he is a womanizer who doesn't want a relationship and that you should want better for yourself and YOU should leave HIM, you make excuses - you try to tell us he never DIDN'T say he wanted a relationship or its the meds, or everything was going good until your outburst etc, for us to agree with you that everything was going good and you messed it up and there really is something here.

 

Take ownership of your life and choices, okay?

 

You NEVER had a chance because he NEVER wanted a relationship! You are so desperate for a man that you hear a guy says he does not want a relationship or you are not his type, that means you push harder to prove to him that the relationship with you is the best thing he could possibly do and he is just "holding back" but really wants it?? Have some self esteem and be choosey. Only date men who WANT to find a relationship and its up to time to decide if you guys are a match.

 

You really, really need to focus on yourself and get things under control in your life.You feel you need a man to be whole and you do not. You need to be whole first or you are only going to attract men who are looking to control you or want to run away from you.

 

 

You need to get to a point where you can decide that a man is not the guy you are looking for instead of trying to pound a square peg into a round hole.

[Blue Spiral]

So you are a male, close to my age....do you have women you are friends with, have no emotional connection to that you just call occasionally to have sex....then go on with your life like its nothing?

 

I used to have a lot of them, yes. (I'm taking a break from women/FWBs for a while. We'll see how long it lasts.)

 

Is sex that important that you would even have a list like that?

 

Of course it is. I'm always alarmed when women don't realize how important sex is to men. Please, look at male-targeted ads, or mainstream movies, or porn statistics, or even just google "Kate Upton gif" and read the comments.

 

And how much respect do you have for the women who do this?

 

You know, I don't really think in terms of "respect". But I don't think there's anything wrong with sex, so, it's sort of a moot point.

 

I guess I should ask that if you did have someone who became emotionally involved, would you continue to call her for sex...even though you know you want nothing else?

 

I wouldn't do that, no. I've been in that situation a number of times, and I've always just left, as not to make things worse.

 

I want to know how someone can hurt another person like that.....I know I was a willing participant, but from what I've read, the rules are no attachment....if it happens, you walk away. He didn;t do that, despite the fact he had others who he could have been with that didn;t care.

 

It sounds like he's just a jerk, sadly.

 

Does that mean he had feelings for me?

 

I doubt that he did. You need to move on and find someone more compatible.

[Blue Spiral]

The majority of people do want to date normally and not just have an FWB situation.

 

I've always wondered about that. How many men really want monogamy, and how many just put up with it to get sex? Culturally, monogamy is sort of the path of least resistance. Everyone's doing it! It's held in high esteem! But, if men had a choice, and weren't afraid of being judged, how many of us would really choose monogamy over the alternatives (emphasis on the plural)?

 

Ahh well. I like the more monogamous gender, so it's not a problem I'll ever have to worry about...

[Beth0621]

All true. I shouldn't make excuses for him. Regardless of what our status actually was, no woman should be talked to or treated like I was. I think that any man, who was a real man, would have handled this more maturely. I should have handled this more maturely....like someone mentioned, what kind of example am I setting for my girls if I'm crying and obsessing over a guy like THIS. This is one of those things I can't explain. I know the right thing to do, I know I am being completely irrational and I know I need to really search within myself for the woman I really want to be....not one who gets attached to and obsessives over men who are not good for me. I can't get the what If's out of my head though and its driving me crazy. I saw something good in him, I'd like to think I have enough sense to not have gone thru this for nothing. This is the way he chooses to live his life. He has been single for 8 years and has had 2 short term "relationships" that I know of that ended badly. I was really hoping I could be the exception to his "all women are the same" attitude, but I was wrong...and it hurts like hell. I can't imagine not talking to him...which I've done nearly everyday for 3 months. I know its best to stay away, nothing good can come from this.

[Beth0621]

Of course it is. I'm always alarmed when women don't realize how important sex is to men.

 

I guess I know its important, just me, personally, I don't get how you can be that personal with someone you really care nothing about. I understand a one night stand, you do it, you leave, you never see them again...passionate, heat of the moment, drunken mistake...whatever. But to continually be intimate with someone you know you have no connection to and treat them like any other friend the next day is just strange to me....like calling your mechanic friend to change your oil? Its a "friendly" service and the next day you're like bros at a mutual friends BBQ? I gave him the opportunity to be monogamous, I told him he could be with me whenever he wanted or go be with whoever. I wanted to be with him so much that I would have done anything just for some time with him. I'm glad to know that you have some decency and would not string a girl along, maybe there are some good guys out there.....somewhere.

[abitbroken]

You weren't acting completely mature either. He laid his cards on the table up front, and then you freaked out when he acted just like he said he would. The mature approach was to see a man did not want what you wanted, and moved on with your dignity. Or to not accept unattached sex if that is not what you wanted. And you talked to him every single moment as if you had no life other than him.

 

So - you saw a man who had 2 short relationships that ended badly and you thought you can show him what a good one is - rather than a man who had one or two healthy relationships that ended because one of them had a life going in a different direction (say she needed to move accross the country for her kids or work and he saw his life here), or because they felt they weren't a marriage match and parted ways so they could find their matches and there are really no hard feelings? I would put my money on the second guy rather than the first.

 

And as far as "all men want sex" = well some want sex and MORE than that. There are guys that definitely want the "more" - companionship and all that goes with it, but if you START with sex, the rest doesn't often follow exactly like you would hope.

 

 

 

 

BUT he did NOT want to be monogamous! There is no "opportunity". If a guy wants to be monogamous, he doesn't sleep with multiple women until someone changes his mind. he stops sleeping with all the women, he decides that he wants to be a one woman man and then goes out and looks for her. He does not choose from the harem. He looks for a woman he can bring home to mom and dad. He is not in that mode. If he was, he would not be leading with sex. He would have asked you out on respectable dates from the beginning.

 

He did NOT string you along. You knew what he was all about. He is not looking for a future wife. And YOU are the one who ignored all of the signs. If he were stringing you along, he would have talked about the future, introduced you to his folks, talked you up like you were his future wife and laid it on thicker every time you thought about leaving. There is no stringing here at all.

[abitbroken]

I've always wondered about that. How many men really want monogamy, and how many just put up with it to get sex? Culturally, monogamy is sort of the path of least resistance. Everyone's doing it! It's held in high esteem! But, if men had a choice, and weren't afraid of being judged, how many of us would really choose monogamy over the alternatives (emphasis on the plural)?

 

Ahh well. I like the more monogamous gender, so it's not a problem I'll ever have to worry about...

 

My bf wants monogamy. Early on he told me that sex was important but not the ONLY thing. He wasn't interested in casual sex or any sex with someone there was no future with. Be;ievbe it or not, there are men who want to settle down and have families out there, or really value the companionship of a partner and are not interested in bed hopping. But not with someone who appears unstable.

[Blue Spiral]

I guess I know its important, just me, personally, I don't get how you can be that personal with someone you really care nothing about. I understand a one night stand, you do it, you leave, you never see them again...passionate, heat of the moment, drunken mistake...whatever. But to continually be intimate with someone you know you have no connection to and treat them like any other friend the next day is just strange to me....like calling your mechanic friend to change your oil? Its a "friendly" service and the next day you're like bros at a mutual friends BBQ?

 

When one combines testosterone and compartmentalization, one can do remarkable things.

 

My bf wants monogamy. Early on he told me that sex was important but not the ONLY thing. He wasn't interested in casual sex or any sex with someone there was no future with. Be;ievbe it or not, there are men who want to settle down and have families out there, or really value the companionship of a partner and are not interested in bed hopping. But not with someone who appears unstable.

 

Oh, I absolutely believe it--men are still getting married all the time (though not as much as we used to). I just wonder about the motivations, as well as the percentages. Is it 80% monogamous, and 20% guys like me, PUAs, and polyamorists? 70/30? 60/40?

 

For me, the main appeal of monogamy was the idea of guaranteed, effortless sex. I wouldn't have to keep going out there, finding and seducing new women (which is a lot of work). I guess the breakdown should be more like this:

 

1. Men that actually want monogamous relationships for emotional reasons.

2. Men that only want monogamous relationships in order to "lock that down" and get guaranteed sex.

3. Men like me, who only care about sex and avoid monogamy like the plague.

4. PUAs.

5. Men that are into poly stuff.

6. Men that fall into categories 3-5, but are dishonest about it and act like they want relationships, leading the woman on in order to get sex.

 

Well, I guess those are decent odds for you ladies. One out of six ain't bad...

[Beth0621]

Thanks everyone for the responses. It seems the opinion on FWB...is that just sex is ok, some people can separate sex and love and attachment. It is a personal lifestyle decision and it's not by any means wrong, it's just a way to satisfy your physical needs without all the emotional baggage. Men and Women do it and it appears that finding others who share the same ideas isn't that difficult. Who knew?

 

In my situation, this is not what I signed up for. I cannot separate sex and emotions, I feel you should have some kind of emotional attachment to another before you become intimate. That is contradicting in this case because I did sleep with him the first time we were together....but I did like him based on our prior long daily conversations....We were never really friends, I was just a benefit and I let it happen. Because I personally feel it is impossible to separate sex and love, I thought it was like that for everyone to some degree....apparently not. He thought I was hot, he thought I was cool, we had amazing sex....that's why he kept coming back to me....not because he had feelings, but because I was not like his other FWB who were part of his "group", I was not his type, he was not mine....I think that was also part of the appeal.....the soccer mom meets Harley riding bad boy? Neither of us would fit into each other's "real" lives, my friends would think I was crazy...his would think he was getting "soft"...and domesticated....so being behind closed doors was the only place we would be.

 

I was ignorant to the fact that everything he was telling me was the truth.....we were not compatible unless it was sexual.....If he was looking for someone serious, it would not have been me....and I see that's not a bad thing really. It's not that he didn't like me, our real life interests and actions are so far apart, sex is all we really had in common. I've known alot of people who I liked to hang out with occasionally, but would not become good friends with because we just didn't have enough common interests....I suppose this is almost the same thing....cool people, fun to party with, but not permanent fixtures.

 

That said, I did develop feelings for him....and it has nothing to do with the fact I was associating sex with love. I really, really saw something in this guy...the few times he did open up to me, I could tell there was a good man somewhere beneath that hard shell....and I was so determined to get to him....and if it meant being a booty call just to spend time with him....so be it. I didn't have much self respect going into this and I can just imagine how desperate and pathetic I looked to not only him, but to my friends who knew what was going on and told me the same things everyone here has told me, they got to see me make an ass of myself first hand. I still think it was unforgivable on his part to still be with me when he knew I had feelings. I was offering, he was taking. That's his way of life, no emotions, none whatsoever...doesn't matter if I got hurt, didn't mean a thing to him, he could just move on and not have to deal with it, we had no ties other than sex. Now he can block my number, forget I existed and get his booty call book back out.....life is good for him.

 

Its been 48 hours since I last had contact with him. It is killing me...but I know its for the best. I don't want that lifestyle. I am not a booty call. I am a woman with so much more to offer than that, if he didn't see that, or it is not what he wants, then so be it. If for some reason it was meant to be, it will be. I don't see him settling down anytime soon and I don't see myself getting involved with anyone again until I'm sure I am ready. I don't think I can be hurt like this again.

[Batya33]

I've always wondered about that. How many men really want monogamy, and how many just put up with it to get sex? Culturally, monogamy is sort of the path of least resistance. Everyone's doing it! It's held in high esteem! But, if men had a choice, and weren't afraid of being judged, how many of us would really choose monogamy over the alternatives (emphasis on the plural)?

 

Ahh well. I like the more monogamous gender, so it's not a problem I'll ever have to worry about...

 

My husband values monogamy (both in words and actions) and we were exclusive months before we chose to have sex.

[Batya33]

I'm glad this experience showed you what your values are about casual sex. Unless I missed something I don't think he did anything wrong nor is his decision to seek out casual sex with consenting single adults.

[Batya33]

I'm really amazed at how you can tie your perfect, fairy-tale-esque courtship into almost any topic that comes up on ENA. I'm sure the other women know how special and lucky you are, so you can stop doing that anytime.

 

I'm really amazed how you can tie your view of men and casual sex into almost any topic about relationships even when the topic has nothing to do with casual sex. This topic has to do with both from my understanding.

 

For the record I don't think my courtship was perfect or fairy-tale-esque in the least and I know I've never described it in that way. I do feel lucky although most of it was my hard work, internal and external, over many years. I had to give up part of my dream (which was to marry far younger than I did and have the opportunity to try to have more than one child) but the sacrifice was more than worth it -no regrets. I don't think it's special at all to find a man who values monogamy and wants marriage and family - that describes most of the men I dated and am friends/was friends with.

 

I want to emphasize that what I was able to accomplish is not special -it is utterly attainable for those people who, like me, got in their own way for many years and who (unlike you) want marriage and family more than anything else in the world. And yes it does take some luck and timing.

 

Actually my post was in response to your negative generalizations about men and monogamy. The men I was involved with for the most part wanted monogamous relationships leading to potential marriage and family. I was involved with 2 men who did not value monogamy. Both later married and I am not sure if their views changed. Those men were the minority of the men I knew and knew of (i.e. who were involved with my friends, not with me). So in answer to your initial question - no, I do not agree with your view of men and monogamy. And you can stop harping on how awful monogamy sounds anytime you like as well (although it certainly does not bother me -you seem happy enough with your choices).

 

I do think the OP reaffirmed for herself that she does not choose to separate sex from love and that she wants a monogamous relationship. That's very valuable information to know and I can relate completely to why she would want that. I do not think she'll have any trouble finding a man who wants those same things. Whether the chemistry will be there of course remains to be seen.

[faraday]

I'm really amazed at how you can tie your perfect, fairy-tale-esque courtship into almost any topic that comes up on ENA. I'm sure the other women know how special and lucky you are, so you can stop doing that anytime.

 

Some of my friends are mid-late 30s and freaking out that they won't meet anyone...and her story is proof that it can and does happen if you know what you want and are willing to put in the time. I like that.

[Batya33]

Some of my friends are mid-late 30s and freaking out that they won't meet anyone...and her story is proof that it can and does happen if you know what you want and are willing to put in the time. I like that.

 

I have many fabulous friends who have not been able to find a good match, they really want to, and they are in their 30s and 40s. I refuse to believe in general that it is because of a shortcoming in any of those people (including the whole stereotypical too picky/not confident/intimidating because of professional success). I do think it is worth it, for any one of those individuals, to seek guidance on whether it is something that person is going about in the wrong way. I don't think though that that should be suggested to the person as a default "well it must be about you".

 

I know you're not saying that in your post but I just wanted to make sure what I wrote does not come accross in that way.

[lavenderdove]

>>I could tell there was a good man somewhere beneath that hard shell....and I was so determined to get to him....and if it meant being a booty call just to spend time with him....so be it.

 

Ah, that is the carrot on the stick for you. My honest opinion reading all your posts is that you were a person who was coupled up for many many years, and who doesn't really know how to do 'single' without feeling distressed and uncomfortable and frankly terrified. And that terror was driving you to bomb the first man who showed even minor interest in you with attempts to connect and 'land' him so that you could feel safe and coupled up. The response you are having is very similar to have a toddler or baby behaves when a parent leaves the room.. totally terrified and distressed and desperate to get Mommy/Daddy back in the room with them for fear they will not survive without Mommy/Daddy around. But you are an adult and well able to survive. so what will 'fix' this is really dealing with your abandonment fears and conquering them rather than latching onto any old man like you're drowning and deifying him and granting him the emotional power over you a child might grant a parent.

 

But you're an adult, and you need to deal with those fears head on (and preferably in therapy if you want to deal with them more quickly and not repeat this). You will be JUST FINE without this man, and you will do JUST FINE alone, though you don't know that. When you get desperate like this because of abandonment fears, you make VERY wrong choices. As you said, this guy and you have NOTHING in common other than a willingness to have sex, and you are desperately digging deep down to try to find some connection or that he is a 'good man' when frankly the evidence is pointing to someone who is totally not right for you, but you are desperate to find a connection with him and seal the deal, so if 1% of him deeply buried *might* be the man you need, you're determined to treat him like a fixer upper project where you'll drag out that 1% out of him and MAKE him be right for you.

 

So i hope you learn from this, and the futility of trying to make someone be someone they are not or just don't want to be just because you feel you NEED them to be that person and are afraid to be on your own. Just doesn't work.

 

So next time you get the urge to call or text him. stop yourself and tell yourself the truth, that this is about your terror of being alone, and not about him being the right man for you at all, and in fact your attention to him is DEEPLY unappreciated by him and as desperate as a toddler trying to claw itself into the room where it knows its parent is. You are not a child, and you will be FINE on your own if you stop obsessing about latching onto a man who doesn't want you and who has now made it clear that your attentions are unwanted.

 

And try to work on the magical thinking... as in, if you just clutch hard enough and want something bad enough it MUST happen. You need to really look at the EVIDENCE right in front of you rather than the wishful thinking like 'there's a good man buried deep in there.' He's a 40 year old man, and frankly if he was that 'good man' that you wanted it wouldn't be buried down in there, he'd be living like a good man and responding to you totally differently than he did. You were just determined to turn a sow's ear into a silk purse because you want that silk purse so badly.

 

So really, trying to contact him or thinking about him boils down to being a big waste of time and a futile endeavor, so just remind yourself that contacting him won't change the outcome at all, and just keeps you stuck digging a dry well. Spend your time and efforts weeding through other men looking for a man who does match what you need, and if you encounter anyone who is not interested in the same type of relationship you are, and who is not really your type or who acts like a teenaged boy in his preferences or activities, then keep moving and don't waste your time and efforts on him.

 

Rather than debasing yourself clutching onto him and trying to force the situation to be what you want, throw your efforts into dating lots of different men and taking it very lightly until you actually find one who has a lot in common with you and is as interested in you as you are in him. Don't suspend your reason and common sense, USE it to help set you on the right path rather than flinging yourself wholeheartedly at a guy who clearly does not have the same goals and interests as you do, and who frankly just wants a woman to bang now and again and is not in the market for a partner at all.

[Batya33]

I can see that but to me that kind of behavior is simply craving the thrill of the chase (nothing wrong with that just often the man who is caught -or the woman - is not worth the thrill and shouldn't ever have been on any pedestal!).