I need help getting over a friends with benefits relationship gone wrong

[lavenderdove]

I know a guy who is a very successful womanizer and prefers to live a lifestyle where he has multiple women at the same time and moves from women to woman with ease.

 

I read a fascinating quote once that said something to the effect that 'a womanizer/philanderer loves women the way a fox loves chickens.' In other words, they are more interested in 'consuming' women as a commodity to 'feed' a sexual need/hunger rather than forming a relationship or having emotional connections to them.

 

I once had a very candid conversation with the womanizer and he said he felt that he never really loves anyone as he feels he should be able to do, but the reality was he just doesn't... and he never loved any of his wives even though he married them for reasons of convenience or because they got pregnant and he felt it cheaper to marry them and live together (though in the end that never worked out because he was such a womanizer and felt no real connection to his wives so when attracted to other women, he pursued them).

 

Doesn't matter if he is a 'nice guy' in other ways, if he's not interested in bonding, then he is just not a candidate to be a good partner!

 

He felt he just had a part 'missing' in his personality, that part that had a real desire to bond emotionally with someone else. He saw the emotions and emotional caretaking and bonding as a chore and as cramping his style.

 

Just like sex is a normal need for human beings, emotional bonding (and the desire to emotionally bond) is usually present in most people. Scientific research shows that people who do not bond emotionally with other people have brains that are literally wired differently than most people, and are what we call sociopaths (though there are varying degrees of sociopathy so the term is misunderstood). But empathy and the desire to emotionally attach and bond deeply is the norm, something like 95-98% of the population, with only 2-5% being sociopathic in their inability to really bond with other people in ways the promote monogamy and emotional closeness rather than promiscuity.

 

So the inability to bond emotionally is not a male trait, but more evidence of sociopathy.

 

People may have attractions to all kinds of other people, but it is the emotional bonds that prevent them from straying. And sociopaths just don't 'get' emotional bonding or why it is important or desirable... it is like explaining sight to a blind person. They understand that most people do it, and may mimic it because it gets them other things they desire like sex, money etc., but to them it is valueless other than as a tool to satisfy other needs they do feel like sex and stimulation.

 

And there are people who can't bond well due to their upbringing and life events that disrupt the ability to form emotional attachments, or those attachments are twisted and problematic or stunted. They are not sociopaths, but they evidence a lot of difficulty bonding and may prefer not to because they find it painful or uncomfortable.

 

But the bottom line is that if you are a person who DOES want to bond, and to form a more permanent and stable connection that is monogamous, it is total folly to chase after a man who has a history of not bonding, and has clearly stated he has no desire to do so with you at all. So if you encounter such a person, just move on and recognize there's nothing in that for you except a lot of heartbreak when you do bond, and he doesn't, nor does he want to! And if he is a sociopath or had severely negative events in childhood that disrupted ability to bond, even if he wanted to, he wouldn't be able to do so. So don't waste your time and heart.

[Beth0621]

And there are people who can't bond well due to their upbringing and life events that disrupt the ability to form emotional attachments, or those attachments are twisted and problematic or stunted. They are not sociopaths, but they evidence a lot of difficulty bonding and may prefer not to because they find it painful or uncomfortable.

 

I think this is the case with him. His ex wife was his high school sweetheart.....she got pregnant, they got married, were married for 14 years when he walked in on her and another man (this is where his felony record comes from) They divorced and he has been in therapy (and court ordered counseling) for years. In addition to their older daughter, He has a 10 yr old son with her that she wants nothing to do with so he is raising him himself. His has had 2 "real" relationships since then, one he walked away from because he wasn;t ready...and he regrets it alot, and one more recently (about a year ago) where she cheated on him. So his view is "all women are the same". He doesn't know what it's like to have a good woman and he doesn't want to let his guard down enough to find out. I may have been exactly what he needs to restore his view on women...he didn't give it a chance.....Why? Is it because he really wasn't that into me personally or is it because he's so jaded and guarded and won't let anyone in? That to me is the question I want him to answer. I know he said pretty clearly he didn't see me that way.....but in the next breath, he wasn't sure. So did he have doubts? I'll never know. What I do know is I won't be his booty call, I won't contact him, I won't even worry about it. In my mind, right now, he is the one who is missing out....I would have been the best thing to ever happen to him....the way he lives...FWB, no emotions, no connection, is a result of all the pain he has, I really believe that. He gets what he "needs" from women without having to worry about getting hurt again....while in this case he didn't care about hurting me. Maybe he thought he could change ME.....who knows what went thru his mind. I gave him what he wanted, thats all that mattered to him. I'm sure he hasn't thought twice about me.

[lavenderdove]

Honey, this man is a felon with a record of violence. Everything he tells you could be a big fat lie! Most courts don't order you into counseling for years unless it was an extremely serious offense. and if a therapist hasn't fixed him after years of counseling, you're not going to do it!

 

Seriously, get over your savior complex and recognize the dynamics here. You want to 'save' him so that he can 'save' you from being single and being lonely and afraid.

 

He 'let you in' to have a grand tour of his penis, but he didn't let you in for a grand tour of a real relationship with you because HE DIDN'T FEEL LIKE IT! He was more than willing to share the penis, but that's about it. That is a HUGE red flag for you that this man is not interested in you as a potential partner. Heed it and move on, and don't waste any sympathy on him. He's been very clear that he is living the exact life he wants to live, so don't try to 'shrink' him. That's an unhealthy impulse on your part, and you need to focus on healing your own issues and being more cautious about your choice of sex partners and not hopping into bed with them until you are sure they actually want a relationship rather than to use you like a free hooker.

[Blue Spiral]

Some of my friends are mid-late 30s and freaking out that they won't meet anyone...and her story is proof that it can and does happen if you know what you want and are willing to put in the time. I like that.

 

From what I've seen, she's the exception to the rule.

 

I can see that but to me that kind of behavior is simply craving the thrill of the chase (nothing wrong with that just often the man who is caught -or the woman - is not worth the thrill and shouldn't ever have been on any pedestal!).

 

And yet I don't like chasing or monogamy.

[Batya33]

From what I've seen, she's the exception to the rule.

 

 

 

And yet I don't like chasing or monogamy.

 

I don't think the man or woman should "chase". I don't think asking a person out on a date is chasing (the chasing is if the person asks multiple times after hearing no or similar). The OP might have found this closed off person who did not want a relationship with her challenging, so I labeled it "thrill of the chase" - a typical cliche - to describe pursuing the unattainable/unavailable because of the challenge and far less (or not at all) because of the actual person.