Disgusted with step-dad over inheritance

[DanDee]

I wasn't really sure where to put this post, this was the nearest thread that related...

 

I've been a mess today. I'll try to explain my issue in the best and shortest way I can.

 

I'm an only child, my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer in December and passed away in May 2011. My mum owned her own home - basically she separated (not divorced) my step-dad early 2011 and bought her own house. My step-dad remortaged the home she moved out of and gave her half of it's cost, which she used as a large deposit for her own home.

 

Shortly before my mum was diagnosed, her and my step dad decided to get back together and moved back into the original home early 2012. I moved back in with her as I became her full time carer (because she developed serious depression/weightloss and due to the cancer).

 

Fast forward to March this year. I lost my mum 10 months ago, and her home was put on the market. As she had critical illness cover, the insurance paid off the rest of the mortage. An extremely important part of this post is that once this home was sold, she wanted the money to go to me as inheritance. However, she did not make a will as she trusted my step dad to give me the money and I think she was to depressed to make a will to be honest.

 

The house was sold a month ago. Today, out of the blue, my step dad gave me 50% of the propety's value. I'm angry and devastated. All the people, well, 3 people I've spoken to are disgusted in him going against my mum's wishes

 

He justified his decision in keeping half the money due to the fact that my mum made him remortgage the home which he was still paying for. This covers that.

 

I want to say, that my anger and hurt isnt about the money - it's about feeling betrayed. He hasn't lived up to my mum's wishes and I want absolutely nothing to do with him anymore. I feel like with him doing this, he doesn't actually care about me and that I've not only lost my mum but him too.

 

I know I have no legal rights to the other 50%, but I would love to get others' opinions as to whether I'm justified in feeling this hurt.

[Seraphim]

Yes ,I think you're justified in being and feeling hurt. Your mother's wishes should have been honoured. I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. I know it must've been very difficult for your mom but this is why it's very important to always make a will.

[CatsMeeoow]

I'm really sorry... its so hard to lose a parent.

 

If he had outstanding debt on a house that he contributed to financially then he is owed some type of equity. If the house has sold where is he to go and live and what would he use? Did your stepfather not contribute the household finances?

 

I mean without your mother leaving a will in place he could have very easily given you nothing but he did split the proceeds. Is it possible that your mother might have also suggested to your step father what her wishes were for him once she passed? They were still legally married and some states have mandates that the surviving spouse get 50% of the deceased spouse property even if there was a will in place.

 

Are you able to look at your mother's and step fathers finances? Even with good insurance there is often big out of medical expenses with terminal illnesses.

[DanDee]

Victoria - thank you. I think my mum just trusted him, it was her way of giving me a good start in life, getting on the property ladder mainly. We were unbelievably close.

 

CatsMeeoow - thanks. My mum took 50% of the original home that they shared after he remortgaged it. He lives here to this day and this belong to him. He kept the 50% because he wanted to have no mortgage gained from my mum separating from him... If that makes sense, it is quite complicated. There were no medical expenses, fortunately in the UK, medical bills are paid for by the NHS. I'm also not aware of any agreement they had of him keeping half, she just told him that the house was left to me.

 

Since the house was put on the market, he said absolutely nothing about keeping half. He let me talk about me potentially buying somewhere with my inheritance and then said this today. I just don't think I'll ever be able to talk to him again.

[lukeb]

It is complicated, but yes I think your step-dad was justified in taking half, since really he using it to cover the mortgage he had to take out on the original home. The home that they owned together. It is not reasonable for him to be paying a mortgage on the original home. Since they remained married, although separated you are actually lucky to be getting anything. He is paying you the money voluntarily. There are a lot of people who wouldn't have given you anything, because it is not something he had to do.

 

It is very tough to lose a parent even as an adult I recently lost my father. If you don't want a relationship with your step dad, I mean that is totally up to you, I do think your anger at him is misplaced, from what I can gather he did right by you. Something he did not have to do.

 

You do have to look at business objectively, and not emotionally, and it was not reasonable from an objective point of view for your late mother not to have a will. You already eluded t reasons such as depression and what not why this didn't happen. I do doubt though your mother could have legally made a will to give you everything, since you can't really do that when you are married. Only after a divorce and when finances are clearly separated. When you are married you are both contributing to the assests you build up.

 

I know all about losing a loved one to cancer as my partner passed away three years ago from liver cancer. This isn't coming from a place of ignorance. I do honestly believe your anger is misplaced.

[treesandbees]

Yes, you are justified, and sorry about the loss of your mom. People's true characters or lack of show in these kinds of times. His greed got the better of him, and he probably figures you cannot afford to hire a lawyer and challenge him, shame on him.

[lukeb]

Yes, you are justified, and sorry about the loss of your mom. People's true characters or lack of show in these kinds of times. His greed got the better of him, and he probably figures you cannot afford to hire a lawyer and challenge him, shame on him.

 

I guess that goes towards if you believe it was the mother's to give, if these assets were solely to do with the mother to do with as she pleases. If you were married separated for a while then reconciled and back together, do you think your husband would be justified in leaving marital assets to his biological child(ren) without consulting with you?

 

If the stepfather were greedy he would not have left anything for the OP.

[catfeeder]

Your Mom had no legal grounds to leave you any assets that he owns. So if the law of your location is that spouse is entitled to 100 percent of shared property, he's actually giving you more than you're owed. If the law treats spouses and surviving children equally, then he kept his 50 percent and delivered yours accordingly.

 

If you want to deprive yourself of a relationship with this man, you can do that. But your Mom made a mistake by setting you up to believe that she was 100 percent vested in the property and entitled to give away her husband's investment in their shared home.

 

My heart goes out to you for your loss, and I hope you'll work this through to avoid compounding it.

[DanDee]

Thank you for your comments, I appreciate them all, I really do. I don't think the anger and hurt is going to fade. The biggest thing I'm grapping with right now isn't even the money, it's that he betrayed my mum and what she wished for me. It's going to take a lot of time to make this sting go away.

[DanDee]

Your Mom had no legal grounds to leave you any assets that he owns. So if the law of your location is that spouse is entitled to 100 percent of shared property, he's actually giving you more than you're owed. If the law treats spouses and surviving children equally, then he kept his 50 percent and delivered yours accordingly.

 

If you want to deprive yourself of a relationship with this man, you can do that. But your Mom made a mistake by setting you up to believe that she was 100 percent vested in the property and entitled to give away her husband's investment in their shared home.

My heart goes out to you for your loss, and I hope you'll work this through to avoid compounding it.

 

It was my mum's home, not his. Yes, my step-dad had to re-mortgage the original home which he kept to give m mum half but when she bought the new home that would have been left to me as her only child. Originally, I was the sole beneficiary.

[mhowe]

Originally, you were told you were the sole beneficiary. She never divorced him, nor ever changed the paperwork.

 

Beneficiary (written) is a huge and sacrosanct legal foundation. So, sadly, without your mothers WRITTEN designation, all of it belongs to her husband.

So, getting half the cost of the house, for which he had to remortgage another place, is well within his rights --- and you getting any money is generous.

[lukeb]

There is another way of looking at it and that in sense your mother's wishes were respected since she really only owned half of the second house with the other half mortgaged. Your step dad did give you that half, something he wasn't legally required to do. Like what was said before it is generous, maybe I'm a cynical bast*rd, but I don't think a lot of people would have done that. Given the circumstances from a moral perspective your step dad needed to be made "whole" again and it is not reasonable to expect him to be stuck with a mortgage on the original home after your mother's passing.

[lavenderdove]

First, I'm sorry for your loss... it is very hard to lose a parent.

 

But I think this is a complicated case with some things to think about.

 

First, I have seen people when they are approaching death, to feel like they are between a rock and a hard place when it comes to who to leave what to... And I know many cases where the person will promise different people of the same family the same things, or tell each person something different. They want no one mad at them while they are dying, and they just want to spend their last moments with their loved ones and nobody fighting or angry over a will or how they may divide the assets upon death.

 

So your mother may know that your stepfather took a lot of the joint marital assets out of their original house and gave her the money for the new house. So in theory, on her death, he should be entitled to get back out of your mother's house whatever he gave her to put into it. So your mother knew that. And perhaps she was ambivalent, really wanting to leave you the house, but knowing she should give her husband half of it because of his contribution to it.

 

So rather than making either of you angry, she does nothing. And if she dies intestate, the law usually says the husband gets half, and the children get to split the other half. So legally you got what you were entitled to. And what you probably would have gotten if your mother was fair to her husband and let him have the money he put into that house when she bought it.

 

So I am sorry that you did not get what you wanted, BUT at the same time, it sounds fair how it ended up, both legally and from the standpoint of what your stepfather contributed into it. And perhaps ultimately this was your mother's wish, because for all you know, she was telling you one thing and your stepfather another. I've seen that happen so many times when people approach death. Their perspective is very different, and they just want their family around them and nobody squabbling or angry at them, so they take the line of least resistance, not write a will, and tell everyone what they think will make them happy.

 

if your mother had REALLY wanted you to have 100% of the house, I think she would have written a will, which is extremely easy to do these days. But she didn't. So you really can't assume that her wishes were you get 100%, and maybe she was just trying to keep both of you happy while she lived, and the best way to do that NOT to write a will giving you 100% when her husband probably deserved half based on his contribution of cash for her to buy the house. She wanted both her husband and her child with her in the end, and would do nothing to anger or upset either of you.

 

So you can't even be sure what she told him to do after her death. She may have just let the law (50% to husband/50% to children) do that for her and avoid the confrontation over who gets what in the will while she was alive.

 

And I know you are probably thinking about this like, 'it is fair that stepfather gets a house, and I get the other house,' where you look at the houses as 'equal', but if the stepfather took out a loan to buy half the other house, he has a mortgaged house and you'd have a free and clear house which in the end means you get more than your fair share and he is stuck with a mortgage and the money he could have paid off the mortgage handed over to you in the form of equity.

 

So I think you should try not to be bitter about this, and thankful for all that money you just got! If you don't like your stepfather you don't have to stay in contact with him.

[jak3]

There is another way of looking at it and that in sense your mother's wishes were respected since she really only owned half of the second house with the other half mortgaged. Your step dad did give you that half, something he wasn't legally required to do. Like what was said before it is generous, maybe I'm a cynical bast*rd, but I don't think a lot of people would have done that. Given the circumstances from a moral perspective your step dad needed to be made "whole" again and it is not reasonable to expect him to be stuck with a mortgage on the original home after your mother's passing.

This.

 

Your expectation was to receive the whole amount. Your step-dad had different plans either all along or upon further review of the facts.

 

Either way, I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sorry that what you received was less than you felt that you were entitled to receive.

[journeynow]

My condolences at the loss of your mother, DanDee.

 

This sounds complicated, and open to misinterpretation in the absence of a will that spells it out explicitly.

 

If your mom and stepdad had never separated, would you have gotten her half interest in the first house when she passed, or even expected it? (In other words, would your stepdad have had to mortgage the house and pay you half when she died?) Their separation was temporary, and the second mortgage was a factor of the temporary separation. My understanding is that assets and debts tend to be connected to spouses before offspring, unless there is a legal document or prenup explicitly stating otherwise. The mortgage insurance covered mortgage on the second house, but did not cover the mortgage on the first house that was taken out so that she could buy the second house. It stands to reason that would go back to your stepdad to pay off the mortgage on the first house. Will you inherit anything from him when he passes, or will it go to step-siblings?

 

There is certainly hurt and pain to go around for everyone with the loss of a loved one. My heart goes out to you and your stepdad

[t1lersm0m1]

I'm very sorry for your loss. And I know as your Mom was dying, inheritance was probably the last thing on her mind. But if she wanted you to have the house, then she should have taken care of that. I agree with whoever said it was kind of him to give you 50%, as being the spouse he is probably entitled to it. When my Dad died, my Mom automatically got all of his assets. When she dies, she has left my brother and I as beneficiaries on everything. If they had reconciled, then I would not begrudge him half of the house.

 

And anyway, what good is holding onto anger about it going to do you? Will it change the percent to 100% magically? It will do you no good.

 

Unfortunately, money can bring out the worst in people.

 

Again, sorry for your loss.

[lukeb]

I am far from an expert but I did a quick Google search, in the UK up to 250,000 pounds (roughly 400,000 dollars) 100% goes to next of kin in this case the surviving spouse (step father). Anything more than $400,000 gets divided up 50% surviving spouse and 50% surviving offspring. There are some countries in Europe where there is mandatory force share of children in other words they can not be disinherited not even by will, but that is not the case in North America or the UK (for the most part). This reflects the modern reality where the economic interests of couples are more important than the orderly succession of property from one generation to the next.

 

In this case the mother could not have written a will giving the OP sole possession of the second house even if she had wanted to.

[abitbroken]

I am sorry for your loss.

 

However, you are an adult child and your stepdad was mom's spouse and they were married for a length of time. Your assets, in absence of a will, go to your spouse. Also, if they lived in the home together, it was their marital home. he also put years into the marriage and so did she. And debt.

 

Your stepdad was generous and considerate to give you half the money. He didn't have to do so. If she had lived, and they sold the house, they would have paid off the other house with it and not given you anything until they died. The only leg you have to stand on is if they had only been married a short time before her death.

 

The laws are the laws to protect people. The families of the spouses can get really greedy and leave a stepparent who was married to their parent for years and years homeless and treat them as if their marriage didn't mean a thing and they were just a placeholder.

 

I think you should save the money you were given and not touch it for at least a year or two. And you should seek grief counseling.

[DanDee]

This.

 

Your expectation was to receive the whole amount. Your step-dad had different plans either all along or upon further review of the facts.

 

Either way, I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sorry that what you received was less than you felt that you were entitled to receive.

 

For a while I had been talking to him about what I should do with this large sum (bonds, property etc) and he never once said wasn't getting the whole thing. If he had told me earlier/decided earlier then I wouldn't be feeling this way.

 

To answer journeynow, his current house will be going to his sons. That was the deal between them I guess.

 

I completely understand everyone's opinions and yes, I'm happy that I got something rather than nothing. I guess the way he went about it felt underhand. Anyway, I'm feeling less annoyed than yesterday by trying to see it from his side too. Though it's weird actually, the people I have talked to in my life think he is morally wrong and are disappointed in him.

 

I really do hate arguing about my wonderful late mother's money. It feels so awful and I never expected to be in a position such as this. Also, I hope I haven't come accross as greedy, a large part of it was the shock of him presenting me with a sum I wasn't expecting - but more how I felt he went against what my mum wanted.

 

lukeb, thanks for your research and lavenderdove, I think you had a point in saying that my mum didn't want to have to deal with who gets what, so she decided against doing anything. Thank you everyone for your input, I'm just going to move on with my life now.

[catfeeder]

but more how I felt he went against what my mum wanted.

 

Your Mum may have claimed that she wanted stepdad deprived of his own money, but it's not realistic. You can cause yourself more suffering over that, or you can appreciate that your stepdad doesn't owe anyone the unwise move of going into debt to prove love.

[abitbroken]

Well - half of the proceeds of the house is not chump change. He could have seen half of it as a large sum, so there was no reason for him to correct your idea of "large sum".

 

If he owned the house jointly with your mom and it was their marital property and he gets it because he is her spouse and needs a place to live, it is his to do as he so pleases. He could live 30 more years and can choose to give the house to whom he chooses or to nobody or to charity. Its his home - its where he hangs his hat. Your step siblings did not benefit from the proceeds of the first house being sold.

 

I am glad that you are moving on and hope that you maintain contact with your stepdad if you have prior to this and to not hold any grudge.

[lukeb]

I am glad that you are moving on and hope that you maintain contact with your stepdad if you have prior to this and to not hold any grudge.

 

I totally second that. The only way that what he did was wrong would have to do with timeline, but there was enough there for us to know that they had been married for years and it was a "real" marriage. In some ways this is like a divorce in that the marriage has ended what do you do with the financial arrangement that they had? It makes more sense now that he would look after your inheritance after your mother's passing so he could look after his sons when it becomes his time. I think he did think about it and thought about preserving the peace in his family in this complicated blended family. Good luck.