Someone slap me

[pfbsurf]

about 60 days since BU - limited contact, mostly texts from her and my feeble attempts at blowing her off by responding with short answers... Friday was the exchange.

 

Still checking FB. Just looked an hour ago. I'm such a creeper

 

Still thinking about her nonstop.

 

I know, this isn't even close to NC. I havent' blocked numbers or facebook.

 

I mean, i'm starting to date - verrrry casually - and have definitely been busy. Kids, friends, work, surfing, etc etc.

 

AND. She was the one that lied and (most likely) cheated. Even if she didn't she was teeing it up. It never would have worked. Really. We are very different in many ways, and it really was just not something that was going to end well. And it was only 10 months.

 

But. We did have a ton of fun. And i can't stop seeing her pretty face in my mind. And going over things in my head over and over again.

 

Thinking about the summer fun we would have had - thinking I could have won her over from that db of a distraction she was texting - thinking about the wedding we missed, the trips we would have taken, the little moments, the sex...

 

At this point, i know I'll be fine, i know that i'll meet someone else, or not, and either way I"ll be fine.

 

I know I made the right decision to walk.

 

I just miss her.

 

Ugh.

[BigKK]

Pfbsurf, come on man! You are much smarter than this, I've read a lot of your posts. I can't slap you, but if you could do me a favor and slap yourself!!! ](*,)

 

 

It's quite easy though, Block her number and her facebook. You don't want her, you know you don't but you're feeding the missing feelings by looking at this crap and texting her.

 

There is a better one out there for you and if you continually re-connect for her you won't be fully freed and ready to go to even notice a great one when you see one.

 

 

 

 

Lastly, I know it's tough because I was there...just grit your teeth and do it.

 

 

Take some control and don't help her get over you!

[pfbsurf]

i know. You can see the real me now... I don't really practice what I preach.

 

 

I'm still clinging on by keeping her in my life this way.

 

Blocking / Unfriending. I think i spent an hour online reading the pros and cons the other day. And I don't even use facebook that much! She does though.

 

I think i'm still trying to find some "closure" - i just hate the idea of forgetting completely, and feel like we can have one last chat.

 

Some of this is being triggered by my starting to date, her texting me last week, and God knows what else.

 

OK. Deep breath. I can do it.

[BigKK]

What kind of closure do you still need?

[panther]

Delete and block now.

Oh dear you wasted an hour of your life thinking about the pros and cons of blocking her on FB? That is one hour terribly wasted.

[BigKK]

Delete and block now.

Oh dear you wasted an hour of your life thinking about the pros and cons of blocking her on FB? That is one hour terribly wasted.

 

Good point, that's two slaps for you now

[Destroyed 33]

You don't need to forget anything. Accept it, embrace the pain and depression, hold on tight and ride it out. Just be strong enough not to contact her.

[freewill1234]

All apart of the process what you are doing but I think you know what to do for yourself. It's just a matter of when you're able to do it.

[pfbsurf]

What kind of closure do you still need?

 

Good question.

 

This is obviously a controversial subject - but I can say that when my marriage was falling apart, there was a very helpful conversation that I had with my then wife that really allowed me to feel a bit better about everything. I just have a hard time being angry and moving on.

 

I must be having one of those days... A few recent triggers and thinking about dating someone else and here I am.

 

if I'm like this in 30 or 60 days, well, then we have a problem.

[HeartGoesOn]

Thinking about the summer fun we would have had - thinking I could have won her over from that db of a distraction she was texting - thinking about the wedding we missed, the trips we would have taken, the little moments, the sex...

 

If, for instance you "could have won her over," what would the prize be?

[IAmFCA]

Yeah, and people who go to Catholic school miss the scratchy uniforms too, but it doesn't mean we fight to get them back. There is a reason people burn uniforms after graduation.

 

You are going to miss some stuff. Every time you miss it, just remember at what cost was it available to you. That should cure you.

[pfbsurf]

If, for instance you "could have won her over," what would the prize be?

 

I know, I know.

 

I have a very selective memory - the prize would be the same relationship we had, where I was always on guard and worried about being replaced.

 

The truth is that I always felt insecure about us, and she certainly gave me good reason to. Walking away when I did was the only way for me to really stand up for myself. Staying around would have meant "competing" one way or another with other guys. The only way for me to really have done this was to "not care", which, truthfully, was just never going to happen.

 

So while I miss her and know we would have had some good moments if i stuck around, it only would have delayed the inevitable. And trust me, i would not want to go through those first 30 days again ever. I may have to go read my old posts from then...

[JGintheOC]

its like i always say and I'm guilty of not listening to my own preaching. But i always tell people in the non online world:

 

"Life is black and white. Only people make it grey. Either you accept as is or you change it. Dating isn't meant to be difficult, people also make it difficult. If you find out its unnecessarily difficult or hard to deal with, you either also accept as it or you change it."

 

So you changed it. It's the right decision. Sometimes things end up complicated becuase its a sign it wasn't meant to happen in the first place.

 

Sometimes things end because it has to.

[pfbsurf]

Its black and white that we would not have worked out in a longer term relationship - too many obstacles and too many personal differences.

 

Its gray because we did love each other, despite the differences. The breakup was a lot harder for her than I expected. I thought she'd move on right away - but it floored her as far as I can tell. Not enough for her to beg for me back, but much more than I expected.

 

This is where it gets tough for me - i see the good in her, and really have to remind myself that she lied and was really unfair. But love isn't for sissies

 

I just can't write her off completely - i want to think about her and smile. That is my crazy fantasy of closure.

[JGintheOC]

Its always black and white.

 

You broke up. The end.

 

I'm sure you love her and miss her but if that's the case then you shouldn't have broken up. But if you did because you have to given the circumstances then accept the decision you made and what it means.

 

And stop being a creeper LOL.

 

There's no point in going back and forth with this.

[lavenderdove]

Look, raking over her FB and photos and other media is like trying to go on a diet while sitting at the table with a big fat 7 layer chocolate cake right in front of you every time you go to eat, or trying to give up crack when their a pipe and baggie of crack on the table in front of you every time you sit down. You're reinforcing your connection to her rather than cutting it by continuing to look at her pages and rake over the past!

 

so stop taking a hit off the pipe or eating a big old slice of ex cake. Your reason and common sense should tell you need to use some discipline here and break that bad habit. If you have to, disable your FB account for a while. But you must delete her off your phone and other ways to connect with her.

[panther]

So have you already blocked her or not?

[Ms Darcy]

i know. You can see the real me now... I don't really practice what I preach.

 

 

I'm still clinging on by keeping her in my life this way.

 

I think you should start practicing what you preach ... that's a good thing.

[pfbsurf]

So have you already blocked her or not?

 

No. Haven't blocked anything yet.

 

Not 100% sure why, but i guess I'm stubborn.

 

I also have a somewhat philosophical view of all of this - i spent close to a year with this person, not a long time I know, but I"m at a point in my life where I want to think that the time I spend with someone or doing things was meaningful in some way.

 

The breakup for me was hard - mainly because I felt betrayed, but also because I do feel like the time we spent together was unique and meant "something". Completely blocking her and moving on seems like taking an eraser to a white board.

 

The NC approach is the right thing, but right now, I want to hang on to some of what we had. I miss her, I would love to see her, and I hope that she feels the same way. BUT, I'm not under any illusions that we will get back together. I also do not want to harbor any bad feelings, despite her dishonesty.

 

I suppose I might sound like the alchoholic that decides a few drinks here and there can't hurt - but the truth is many people who drink too much cut back 90% and are still able to have a glass of wine once in a while.

[panther]

pfbsurf, blocking her has nothing to do with erasing everything. It is just a way to protect yourself from seeing what she is up to now which will delay your healing.

[pfbsurf]

Understood...

 

i'm torn.

 

The hardcore NC approach works i am sure. (that is what I preach but in real life, there are always variations. I was married to the love of my life - then a worst case scenario breakup - and we never had NC bc of kids. I survived and honestly, the contact over time was probably healthy for me.

 

This time around... Ah who am i kidding, i still have feelings for her. They are fading, even with the FB checking, but really, not a good idea.

 

On a side note - I've been on a third date now - first kiss post BU last night. My nonchalance is driving her a bit nuts - in a good way. But i still have ex on mind.

[panther]

I think the blocking is a must, honestly. Because anyway you are not really in contact with her, right? You don't talk to each other, do you? So if this is only about the FB checking, you should stop seeing what she has been doing and so on.

 

Now if you don't want to erase other things, like emails, text messages, love letters, whatever, then fine don't. Keep them and read them over and over and over again until you are sick of them.

 

From what I read your previous divorce was quite different than this. This one now hit you hard because you were in love and after 10 months still seeing her as the perfect woman.

 

When I once was suffering like you, I also started dating a guy, which only lasted 3 months. I was still not over the ex but still it was good to meet the 3 month guy because it made me realise there were other really great people on the planet (even if I never fell in love with him) and it helped me taking the ex off a pedestal.

[panther]

How old are you, may I ask?

[pfbsurf]

old enough to know better

 

47....

 

And no, we are not in touch in any way. I don't think I saw her as the "perfect" woman, no such thing, but i was more attached than I excpected to be. I've dated other women over the years and never had to block or make an effort to not contact them... So this is strange to me honestly, even though I've read hundreds of stories about and actually always advise full NC

 

As for my divorce, it was easier in many ways because the R had been dying for years..

 

As I wrote the other day, if i'm still writing about this stuff in 30/60 days, then maybe its a problem? Who knows...

[panther]

I think it' normal if you're still talking about her in 30 days, but it is not good if by then you're still not taking actions. In that case, I will find out where you live and do with the thread title says.