Someone slap me

[pfbsurf]

deal.

 

I do think that we are usually the best judges of this stuff, and hardcore NC is just not for everyone... I have a crazy goal, to think of my ex and smile, and not see her as 100% bad and me 100% great. Missing someone and being grateful are both generally positive human traits - so i'm just trying to get there my own way. I would love to get to a point where I talk about my kooky, confused ex, rather than that lying b***h. Make sense?

 

Any time I feel like this is turning into some fantasy of reconciliation, i just remind myself of the 4 or 5 deal breaking incidents and i usually come back to reality.

[panther]

Would you be so kind to tell the story to me? Or the link to the thread that sums up the story of the break up, namely what she lied about?

[pfbsurf]

ok - giving this a bit more thought (why she is still on my mind, why i won't block)

 

the honest truth is that I am still looking for something - reassurance, an apology, whatever...- from her. I only realized this after re-reading through some of my responses, they are not BS, but they cover up the real issue. I had a hard time with the way things ended - my ability to trust has been severely tampered with - and i think this is just unresolved, and the only person who can "help" is her. On paper, I should be able to write her off and be angry and move on all at the same time, but relationships don't exist on paper.

 

BUT, i am getting better and need this much less than i did a month ago.

[pfbsurf]

Would you be so kind to tell the story to me? Or the link to the thread that sums up the story of the break up, namely what she lied about?

 

saw this after my last post... will give you the quick summary next..

[panther]

So I have been a bit through your initial threads to see what happened.

 

I don't think you should see her as 100% bad. I actually think you have said it all here today. She is a bit confused and hasn't simply found the man to commit to. I am sure she liked you, but either she doesn't want to commit to anyone or she hasn't found the one. Maybe she won't commit to anyone in the future either. Even if she is with someone right now, chances are it will end sooner or later.

She enjoys being flirty and probably wants to keep her freedom.

 

It is a shame she let you fall for her when she probably knew from the beginning it wouldn't last forever. She could apologise but would that really make a difference in your life right now?

 

She isn't any monster, she is doing what makes her happy and sadly let someone into her life (you) who thought he could stay.

 

I hope my interpretations on her behaviour are going in the right direction here.

[pfbsurf]

Would you be so kind to tell the story to me? Or the link to the thread that sums up the story of the break up, namely what she lied about?[/QUOT

 

There are a couple of threads that summarize - but i'll give you the basics.

 

Me 47, divorced 8 years ago after long-term R/marriage, (3 kids). Wife ran off with best friend. Ouch. Brushed myself off, actively dated, nothing serious. Lots of fun. Her 44, never been married, lots of dating, very few LTRs (one basically). We live an hour apart, knew each other casually then got together last summer and really hit it off.

 

We had a very good connection, and lots of fun together. Nothing serious really but we were "exclusive" about three or four months in. I shut down any communication and efforts with other women, and trusted her to do the same.

 

Ran into some issues about 7 months in - "taking a break" etc. initiated on her end basically. We worked on it, but she basically started lying about one guy, then another. the final straw was a 30 year old guy that she was texting/hanging out with and lying to me about. (she'd bring him up and talk about what a jerk he was and how she never talked to him, but they were texting every other day and he was sending some selfies along. Yes. I snooped.) Anyway, it all became too silly and stressful for me - i really, really liked her. She would lie about those things and about little things here and there. I came to the conclusion that she was just passing time with me, while waiting for the right guy to come along. She has a bit of a Sex and the City lifestyle and is waiting for Mr. Big. (she admitted that). I"m a great guy, but that's not my world.

 

Writing this now it seems so petty and high schoolish (esp her texting and selfies etc). But it was very difficult for me. I know she liked me - and would drop hints about our future etc. When I called her and broke up - it was very abrupt. I never told her that I knew she was lying - just that I couldn't really trust her and felt she didn't respect me.

 

 

After that, she texted me about once a week - that she missed me etc - but never made any efforts to reconcile. So, i just assume her ego was bruised.

 

Anyway, that is some of the history, i'm probably missing some parts, but you get the gist. Happens every day.

[panther]

Lol, I read part of your threads in the meantime and my reply is before your last post.

[pfbsurf]

I think you are spot on.

 

the most confusing thing for me is that I was very laid back about letting her have her freedom. I wasn't clingy or demanding - and she had every opportunity to let me down easy. My biggest problem that at about month 4 or so, i really started to fall for her. I was a bit too nice with dates and maybe some flowers here and there, but for the most part, i kept my emotions in check and wasn't that needy BF...

 

the fact that she wanted to have it both ways - and lied to get that - is ironically a sign that she really did like me, just not enough to stay honest. She didn't think it would last forever, but also would drop the "ring" subject out of the blue, and we never got to the point where she wanted to avoid me.

 

So, in the end for me, this is less about her, who I still like very much, in a healthy way i hope, and more about relationships, and what I need/want as well. But for me to just pull her out of the equation, just don't think that works for me...

 

 

I'd also add that right away, (and toward the end of the R, when i found out about her lying), I became convinced that ALL women lie and all relationships are doomed. I"m better now, but there is a very big part of me that wants to figure that out and hopefully find out that it is not true.

[panther]

You were very right in allowing her to have her freedom. I also believe that you have all you need to be a great boyfriend. So many women out there would want a man who will commit to them (and give them flowers and things like that - I know I would like to get flowers and lame things like that from my BF and don't. ) and here you are suffering for the one who didn't want to commit to you. What a waste.

 

Look, you know now all the theory on how to heal from the break up. So you implement in your life what you think might work best for you. Either way, whether you do it the right way (if there is one) or the less right way, you will sooner or later get over this. And then, hopefully find the woman who wants to be pampered with flowers and romantic gestures and marry and all that.

It will happen, it will just take a while until you get there.

[pfbsurf]

Well, thanks again.

 

I think she loved the flowers and thoughtful things but the net effect was that she did not have to guess about my feelings eventually mm Hate to say it but that is important I think.

 

I've got more perspective on this now that i'm back dating. I am a bit rusty but its nice to be back at it actually. Fortunately or unfortunately this one woman I've been on a few dates with is starting to get attached... I can actually see the other side again - being less into someone than they are... She's nice and there is chemistry, but.. We hung out last night and well, I need to be careful. And I really haven't done much but just show up and be me (no flowers She is very unsure about my feelings and has pretty much played her hand.. I"m not saying this makes her less attractive...

[Ms Darcy]

No offense, but the vibe I get that this was more of a transitional relationship. Not really anything long-lasting, but something to really help you both grow as people and move on to "better fits."

[pfbsurf]

None taken. You are right, but there was a few months where we both were thinking/talking longer term. I think once this came up, I started developing stronger feelings...

 

We both have pretty big commitment issues I guess

[pfbsurf]

Well. NC/LC broken. big time.

 

Bumped into her this past weekend and... anyway, started another thread at getting back together.

 

Even though right now, we are not getting back together.

 

but it was nice to see her.