Can it ever be helpful to healing to break "no contact"?

[Marlee]

Even though he left me for someone else, three months on, I still can’t think bad about him and it’s really affecting me. I can’t stop blaming myself for the break up.

 

I realize at this stage that I have a distorted perception of the relationship (feeling it was completely perfect) and of him (feeling he was completely perfect). But I just can’t shake the feeling that I messed up so enormously on this one, but I am not quite sure how. He never expressed what was wrong in our relationship other than ”it doesn’t feel the same anymore”.

 

This experience has stripped me of all self esteem and joy.

 

We have had practically no contact since the break, bar a phone conversation nearly a month ago and two e-mails. He has offered to meet for coffee whenever I would like if I need to talk. I haven’t wanted to so far, for fear of what seeing him would do to me.

 

But – is there a chance it could be helpful to healing? I mean, is there a chance that I could meet up with him and somehow see that he is not the one and only perfect person I have created in my head since he left me? Perhaps see his flaws and start getting a grip on reality again?

 

I am sure there are a million reasons not see him, but I really don’t think I could feel worse than I am doing. I feel like I’m actually getting more and more depressed with every week, obsessing over him and what I might have done wrong, while I would think it should be the other way around.

 

So, even though I realize he has moved on and is happy with his new girlfriend – could it possibly be helpful to see him and talk at this stage? Just try to make sense of it all? Hear his side of the story?Anyone had a talk like this that was helpful to moving on after a while? Just want to stop kicking myself and missing him so much.

 

This could well be a crazy bad idea, which is why I'm turning to you guys for advice.

[cryingalways]

He left you for someone else and you are still seeing him as "perfect"? I think that alone should give you the evidence that he is not perfect. You should be angry that he did that to you, not blaming yourself

 

I ended up meeting up with my ex 5 months on, after a lot of people telling me not to on here. Mine was emotionally abusive though. And it made me very upset but in some ways it helped in the long term. But when I saw mine he started planting more seeds of self doubt and insecurity in me, picking on how **** my life must be. And that ate away at me for months...

 

But in the long term...I have no feelings of longing to see him anymore. However, that did not come from seeing him alone. That has come from me moving on enough with my life to see him for what he is. If you go to see him and you are still vulnerable...it will hurt. BUT, perhaps it will make you realize you need to move on.

 

A friend of mine STILL tries to meet up with her ex and they broke up over a year ago. She gets upset everytime, ESPECIALLY when he says he can't meet up. It sends her into a depression everytime. So there is always the chance it will take you as it did her, perhaps you will continue to try and see him again and again and it will mean you never really move on. I think you need to live a little, just try, go out with friends/alone on a holiday or to a party and just meet new people and enjoy being single. Do that, and THEN see if you want to see your ex. Get a bit of power back for yourself first x

[SooSad33]

"We have had practically no contact since the break, bar a phone conversation nearly a month ago and two e-mails. He has offered to meet for coffee whenever I would like if I need to talk. I haven’t wanted to so far, for fear of what seeing him would do to me.

 

But – is there a chance it could be helpful to healing?"

- Don't do it. All you're doing is prolonging the pain. Constant reminders, etc.

 

"Even though he left me for someone else, three months on, I still can’t think bad about him and it’s really affecting me"

- Give it time. I'm sure that 'anger' will surface eventually. Right now, you've still got him up on that pedastal.

And don't blame yourself for his actions, here. There's never a guarantee for a relationship. Stuff happens.

 

"I am sure there are a million reasons not see him, but I really don’t think I could feel worse than I am doing. I feel like I’m actually getting more and more depressed with every week, obsessing over him and what I might have done wrong,"

- This is normal part of 'mourning' over your loss of your bf. You'll go thru many emotions. Over and over, for months.

 

"So, even though I realize he has moved on and is happy with his new girlfriend – could it possibly be helpful to see him and talk at this stage? Just try to make sense of it all? Hear his side of the story?"

- No. Don't expect closure, it's not going to help.

 

What you need, in order to heal is have NOTHING to do with him anymore.

It takes time and I know.. it's very painful to have to stop interacting, stop following, etc.

 

One day at a time. In a few weeks/months, things will begin to improve for you.

[panther]

I cannot see what good it will do you to see him. If you never saw imperfections in him so far, it is not now that you will see it, especially while you are missing him.

 

But if you are going to be obsessed about this all the time, go ahead and see what happens to you and your feelings when you meet with him. And if it harms you, then you learned your lesson and won't repeat it.

[deadmareish]

I would just continue to go NC until you realise you no longer have feelings for him, otherwise you're just prolonging your pain. Trust me I know - I've posted constant threads on here about continuously meeting up with my ex and have come to realise that although it feels great to still be able to have them around, all it does it mess you around more and prevent you from moving on. If he's asking you to meet up for coffee even though he's in another relationship, then clearly he still thinks about you, but don't read into it that much. We'd all like to think our exes want to see us because they miss us and still have feelings for us, truth probably is, they lap up the fact that they know you still feel all these things and they want to keep an eye on you to make sure you won't be moving on from that. Evil boys

 

We'll show them!

[panther]

We'd all like to think our exes want to see us because they miss us and still have feelings for us, truth probably is, they lap up the fact that they know you still feel all these things and they want to keep an eye on you to make sure you won't be moving on from that. Evil boys

 

That is true. I had a BF who left me and I begged him not to but he had another woman. I moved on and few months later met a new guy. Could not believe how fast my ex started contacting me again as soon as he found out.

[lavenderdove]

>> feel like I’m actually getting more and more depressed with every week, obsessing over him and what I might have done wrong,

 

No, you shouldn't be contacting him for any reason because he has a new GF and dumped you. If you feel this way after 3 months, then you should be contacting a therapist to talk about these feelings and possibly get medication if you have slipped into a clinical depression.

 

And the reality is regardless of WHY it happened, it happened, and he is now with someone else. You can't undo that. So better to focus on your healing and getting some help on letting go and acceptance. A therapist can help with that.

[lavenderdove]

p.s. the reason he left you was to chase that other woman he worked with. So you didn't 'do anything wrong,' he just spied someone else he wanted to date more than he wanted to date you. Sadly, it happens. No deep explanation other than he made a choice that wasn't you.

 

know that is hard, but it happens all the time, where people just don't feel a strong enough bond and commitment to stick around if someone else attracts them enough. They're conflicted for a bit, then ultimately they bolt for the greater attraction because their commitment to you isn't deep enough to make them stay.

 

That's all about him and not you 'doing something wrong'.

[t1lersm0m1]

Is there anything he can say to make you feel better, other than "I totally messed up, I love you and want you back?"

 

What reasno can he give you that will make you feel better? It's not you, it's me. You were wonderful, I just fell out of love. I think you deserve better than me.

 

What can he say to lessen the blow?

[Destroyed 33]

If you absolutely need that type of closure the do what you need to do. Just understanding you need to prepare yourself for a world of pain and the aftermath could bring you even further back than where you started. Nothing good can come out of it but you might get at least a little closer. It will set you back drastically.

[jak3]

Breaking NC helped me during my last one but I was in a different spot than you. It gave me a sense of finality and an ending that I prefer to remember as opposed to how it really ended.

[3Tears]

Theres never a good reason for you to break the NC, in the end you will regret it and you will feel set back from it.

 

Try avoiding breaking NC at all costs.

 

Breaking NC is not helpful for your healing. Period.

[No1]

Just regarding your question if its ever helpful to break no contact.... yes, there are situations that going to a limited contact can help you heal. It worked for me on past relationships where NC would of prolonged the pain and questions. Okay now for the not so good part.

In your case its not helpful. In your case he left you for another girl. So it does no good to talk to him. It wont change his mind, it wont accomplish anything positive. Now this does not mean this other girl is better than you. Not at all. It means for this one particular guy, he felt this other girl is a better match for him. You just havent found your match yet thats all.

I would say that you just let this guy go. If he wants you, or if he feels that it was a mistake, he knows where you live, he knows how to get a hold of you.. dont wait up for him.. continue with your own life and on the positive side. You are now free to find someone who is a better match for you

[Marlee]

Thank you all, you wonderful people. You have convinced me.

 

I thought somehow that seeing him might help me realize that I have created some sort of fantasy version of him in my head. I would like to see him and be able to think that he is not THE ONE, that he is in fact a mere mortal (also a mere mortal that doesn't want to be with me). But I guess the risk is too big.

 

Point take. Thanks again. x

[floridasfinest]

I broke NC, and it pretty much sealed the deal for me. I still had hope for our relationship until the last time we talked, when I finally realized I needed to let go and try to move on. I have not had one single moment where I thought about reaching out to her since our last contact. It has been 30 days. If I had never talked to her that final time, I might still be wondering "what if".

 

Just my .02

[bunnyrabbit]

Once the hurt has healed (probably takes about 30 to 60 days-absolutely no contact, do not answer him if he initiates contact-ignore him), you will probably see the truth in the whole situation. He left you for another girl. You might feel anger after the hurt has subsided. Use this to set new goals. In fact, try to do self-love in the meantime. Go to the gym, do sports, new fashion, new look. Be extremely awesome. It will take a while. Ignore him and them.

 

Do not assume that his new relationship is happy. It may just be a rebound. He might come back usually after you don't care at all about him and have moved on.