Struggling to believe my wife's friendship with colleague

[rms471210]

Hi, thanks for giving me the chance to post here. Not easy to talk face-to-face about these issues.

 

My wife and I have been married for 18yrs, together for 24. Pretty much all of those years have been happy ones, except for a few bumps in the road - I am sure we've all been there.

 

One thing I'm having trouble getting to grips with is her friendship with a colleague. She is in the final stages of a university degree course and is out on placement just now. She spends all day with a team of people and particular has struck up a friendship with one (male). She emails him on and off all day and then also through the evening. They also go out as part of the job sometimes during the day. She does stay up late (1am - 2am) a lot of nights, she has always been a night owl. However, no matter what she is doing she is also emailing him, back and forwards all night long. He is single and lost his wife a year ago I am told. She has been quite open with me and assured me on several occasions it's nothing more than helping a friend in need. Her field is mental health so in some ways it is relevant.

 

I can't get past it though and it is eating me up inside - I am experiencing anxiety, jealousy, anger, depression etc etc. I have lost 8lb in weight in less than two weeks since it started.

 

(this bit I am not proud of)

 

How did I find out ?

 

I saw a load of emails between them and she must have realised and changed her email pwd. I confronted her with it and she said none of my business. Since then I have discovered her pwd and spend a lot of time on her email, reading their exchanges.

I'll be honest and say there is nothing untoward in there, but for all I know she might be hiding it elsewhere - if there is anything to hide.

 

Does anyone have any advice for me ? I have got to the point where I am snooping on my wife, just for the sheer fear that she will start something more than a semi-professional relationship. I know I should not be doing it and she said it was violating her privacy (true) - I just feel so anxious all the time.

 

Thanks for listening

[mhowe]

1. Stop snooping

2. Your snooping has proven that nothing untoward is going on.

3. You are violating her privacy and this will turn into a bigger mess with her not trusting you.

4. She has been above board.

5. Tell her you are uncomfortable with all the texting, etc and ask how long she expects this to continue (him needing support).

 

You trust your wife? Then let this go.

[jak3]

If you did the same thing with an opposite sex colleague would she be as understanding?

 

Set clear boundaries. Stick to your guns.

 

Also, and not that I would ever condone this, but I've heard some people use the "drafts" folder of a shared email address to communicate with one another so that there is never a sent/received email chain. I'm not trying to make you paranoid but I have a feeling after 24 years together you know when you should be concerned and worried and you know when you shouldn't be.

 

Have you noticed anything else that makes you suspicious?

[amipushy]

I'd see what happens when she has finished her degree. If she is still doing the same after she has left uni I would have to question her 'friendship' with him.

 

Also, if he was widowed a year ago he could be looking to her for emotional support and that is not fair on him, or you. Nobody grieving needs someone messing with their heads and using the 'he needs my support' isnt sitting right with me (I am a widow) because it is obvious that he is perfectly capable of completing a degree on his own.

[DancingFool]

Then remind her that the extent to which she is involved with this guy is unprofessional from a mental health perspective as it is actively encouraging an emotional bond and dependence, which is disrespectful to you, your marriage and your relationship, not to mention damaging to the very person she is trying to help. If she is truly professional, she'll hear that loud and clear.

 

Having said that, please stop snooping. You haven't found anything inappropriate because there isn't anything inappropriate. In short, face and get a grip on your own insecurities before they eat you alive and destroy your marriage. That man will not cause your marriage to hit the rocks, your insecurities and corresponding batty behavior will.

[abitbroken]

Tell her that you would like to spend more time with her. Even if nothing is untowards, this guy is taking time away from your marriage.

[CeeLambrini]

She may not develop feelings for him but playing the caring and supportive female friend may fill the void his wife has left and his feelings may very well develop for her. This would have to lead to her ending the friendship altogether (with respect to you and the marriage) and will leave him broken hearted once again and with no one. She should encourage him to reach out to his friends and family - it is not her job to be his support system. They are colleagues, he is not her patient and she is not on a pay check with their sessions.

Rather than separating yourself from her and pushing them closer, discuss with her the possibility of him being more hurt if his feelings were to develop for her. Perhaps she is not seeing things that way and instead sees her actions as helping him.

 

And like abitbroken said, request some more quality time with her and stop snooping. It is unlikely that they are having two separate conversations where one is hidden and the other isn't. The only way you could really find out is if you could read minds. You can't, so violating any more of her privacy is unnecessary. She is simply being naive and unknowingly playing with fire.

[rms471210]

Thanks for the replies,very thought provoking. I will stop snooping as it eating me up. I did make the point that what would it feel like from the other perspective (ie if I did it). Getting more quality time is a good idea, take things away from the current environment.

Thanks again

[abitbroken]

Thanks for the replies,very thought provoking. I will stop snooping as it eating me up. I did make the point that what would it feel like from the other perspective (ie if I did it). Getting more quality time is a good idea, take things away from the current environment.

Thanks again

 

If she constantly checks her messages for his messages when she is out on a date with you (and don't just say "quality time," ask her out on a date! have plans! ) and the like, or rushes home to, THAT is a problem. If she has a great time with you and doesn't do so for the night - great. To me, it would get to the point of a line in the sand if she seems more concerned with rushing back to tend to him.

[Lester]

She's in the early stages of cheating. If you follow non-confrontational advice/fears... they will have sex and you WILL divorce.

 

--------

That said,

ALL is fair in love and war.

 

2am is your call to arms! Time to take your head out of the sand.

---------

 

If receive advice that doesn't include an action plan, (snooping is action plan... good for you!), than ignore all this good sounding, good intention advice. These people have the highest morals and intentions but have not been cheated on.

 

Action:

Purchase James Dobson's "Love must be Tough" tonight. Do not tell her about this book!!! (Forget what you "think" you know about TL... you're wrong.)

 

PS, To save your marriage takes time and education from those who have been there. Hoping it will get better = divorce.

[One08Chick]

I'm sorry but this sounds like emotional affair or the verge of it.

Read the book _Not Just Friends_.

[Lester]

Although I like One08's first line I question her recommendation to read, "Not just friends." I will read it asap, but if she is true to her followup title "Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity"... you don't need this book!

 

It's too late for all but a few once they start sleeping together.

 

You need stop it before that.

[Snny]

One thing I'm having trouble getting to grips with is her friendship with a colleague. She is in the final stages of a university degree course and is out on placement just now. She spends all day with a team of people and particular has struck up a friendship with one (male). She emails him on and off all day and then also through the evening. They also go out as part of the job sometimes during the day. She does stay up late (1am - 2am) a lot of nights, she has always been a night owl. However, no matter what she is doing she is also emailing him, back and forwards all night long.

This is the typical life of a grad student. There is nothing out of place here to get worked up over.

 

I saw a load of emails between them and she must have realised and changed her email pwd. I confronted her with it and she said none of my business. Since then I have discovered her pwd and spend a lot of time on her email, reading their exchanges.

If you were my husband and I caught you doing this to me... I would consider filing divorce. University e-mails are very private, especially when it concerns my education that I paid for.

 

Tell her that you would like to spend more time with her. Even if nothing is untowards, this guy is taking time away from your marriage.

I disagree. College takes a LOT of your time. I have been involved in a lot of group projects/reports where I hardly had any time to spend with my fiance. That is the nature of grad school- you basically have no life and can't afford to mess up your GPA or you can be dropped from the university program.

 

She might be e-mailing him to complete assignments/get help. I sometimes had to do mass e-mail or jump on Skype to work with classmates on assignments.

[rms471210]

to be clear, it's not her Uni email she is using but her Yahoo email and his private email. She has finished all studies and essays now and this is a placement. He is a full time social worker at the place where she is on placement.

[rms471210]

just read up on emotional affairs - feel 10 times worse now about this

[amipushy]

I still suggest you bite your tongue and wait and see if this continues when she leaves the placement. They might have clicked while working closely together but once she has left there will be no reason for her to communicate with him and she will start a new chapter of her working life.

[Lester]

just read up on emotional affairs - feel 10 times worse now about this

 

Good... You took an action step!

 

All victims of infidelity will agree; they look back and say, "if I had only got my head out of the sand sooner, I might have had a chance at saving my marriage."

 

Rms, do not underestimate the power and intoxicating effect infidelity has on your, (anyone's), wife.

 

If your wrong... SO WHAT!

 

Action steps:

- Did you order/buy Dobson?

- Don't tell your wife about this forum!

 

PS, Before you follow the advice from someone, (counselor/experts included), on infidelity... ask them if they were ever cheated on. If not, THEY DON'T KNOW.

[Snny]

to be clear, it's not her Uni email she is using but her Yahoo email and his private email.

Then anything can go. If they were e-mailing back and forth using a work e-mail (something that can be tracked by a company), then they have to keep it professional. But using personal e-mails leaves them open to any unprofessional conversation.

 

However, he may want her to e-mail to his personal e-mail because it's easier for him to manage. I would receive 20+ e-mails a day from my former companies I worked for under my business e-mail, and I could imagine a social worker receiving the same amount on a daily basis (clients or supervisors contacting him).

 

Another reason.... she could be trying to stay connected with him to network for future companies once she is done with her degree. However, she wouldn't have to do that behind personal e-mails.

 

She has finished all studies and essays now and this is a placement. He is a full time social worker at the place where she is on placement.

...

just read up on emotional affairs - feel 10 times worse now about this

Nobody or even myself can tell you if they are having an emotional affair or not without reading the context of the e-mails. The only information you have given us is that they are not flirting or crossing any lines:

I'll be honest and say there is nothing untoward in there

.

[lerenard]

I think the issue here is mostly you, but she gives you little reasons to basically feed these issues in yourself.

You said it yourself - there was nothing untoward in her letters. I would advice you to talk to her about your insecurities, and try spending more time with her, instead of spending it obsessing about her life away from you and snooping.

[Fudgie]

If she constantly checks her messages for his messages when she is out on a date with you (and don't just say "quality time," ask her out on a date! have plans! ) and the like, or rushes home to, THAT is a problem. If she has a great time with you and doesn't do so for the night - great. To me, it would get to the point of a line in the sand if she seems more concerned with rushing back to tend to him.

 

OP, can you answer this question? Because if she's doing this, I would consider it a red flag. If she's writing him back and forth and it's just sort of fun and not deep/probing, okay, but if she's EAGER to talk to him and it cuts into time with you/work time, RED FLAG RED FLAG.

 

I'm sorry but this sounds like emotional affair or the verge of it.

Read the book _Not Just Friends_.

 

Highly recommend this book. Good suggestion. I've read about half of it but I figure, if I ever get married someday, I'd like to sit down with my partner and read it with him. YES, it's that good.

 

I believe opposite sex friends are valuable and healthy to both sexes but there needs to be communication about boundaries.

[rms471210]

Fudgie, to be honest it's hard to tell her level of eagerness. I certainly know that when all of us (family) were out last weekend somewhere she had her phone and emailed him a couple of times. They could have been totally harmless but the point to me is that there is a time and a place. She actually prefers oppostie sex friends on the basis that women (no offence meant to all posters) can be so much more catty, etc. My view is that I don't mind but there have to be limits. She has assured me many times that there is no physical side and I believe that, but I can't get round the amount of emailing. I will try again tomorrow night, don't want to cause any more upset - she has a job interview tomorrow am.

 

I like the idea of date night though, good indicator of where things are.

[abitbroken]

You have to be clear and firm. If she answers him while she is out with you - that is not allowed. When she is with you, she is with you. Tell her that he is taking away from your date. She has really poor boundaries

[rms471210]

Can i just is it this book ?

NOT "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity

[abitbroken]

I think its this one

 

link removed

[rms471210]

Thanks, it's the same (I am in the UK)