notalady Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 I have a good friend that I've known for about 9 years. About six months after we became friends, he told me he liked me, but at the time, I wasn't attracted to him so I said I only saw him as a friend. Over the years we stayed good friends, and I have noticed he had really grown and changed to be a more mature, confident man (as opposed to the boy that was more introverted and less confident when we met). Of course I have also grown and changed over the years and know better what I want in a relationship. We have been spending a fair bit of time together in the last two weeks, just as friends of course, but for some reason I am starting to see him as an attractive date potential. And of course I already know him very well, so I know he's a great, trust worthy guy, who shares many similar values as me. It is one of those rare times where we both happen to be single, though we both have a couple of potential love interests at the moment, it is all very early stages (ie gone on a couple of dates, in the getting to know you stage) and nothing has eventuated yet. I want to explore the potentials with my friend, in slow baby steps of course. I certainly don't think it's a good idea to come right out and say hey I'm interested, what about you? I want to do this with subtlety, and certainly don't want to risk our friendship if he isn't interested. But I'm not sure exactly what I should do to get him to notice that I am interested and also start wondering if there could be more between us, and hopefully eventually ask me out. I have no problem asking him to hang out alone, which is not unusual for us as friends, though I've only done it very infrequently in the past. In the last two weeks I had asked him to hang out alone twice. When we had dinner on Friday, we had a great time talking about anything and everything, I was a bit more flirty and touchy feely with him, and also stopped talking about my potential dates (stuff that we normally share with each other). I'm not quite sure where to go from here in terms of letting him see I'm interested, for example how much should I text him? Should I ask him out (as friends), how often? How should I act around him or is there anything I can say to hint at my interest in him? Also just an additional note, I don't know if the fact he liked me all those years ago is even remotely relevant, nothing he had done in the past that indicated he's still carrying a torch for me, we have just been good friends. But part of me is hoping (and I feel a bit silly for hoping this) that maybe part of him still sees or likes me in a way that is more than just friends. Anyway! Any suggestions or ideas would be extremely helpful! Link to comment
missmarple Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 When you've known someone for a long time and, especially, when he's expressed interest in the past and you've turned him down, hints don't work. I would even go as far as say that if you just act flirty around him (and you didn't before), there's the risk of him thinking you're just after an ego boost. I'm not a man but I know that I remember very well the times when I showed/told someone I was interested and they weren't interested in me...no matter how long ago it was. So, if I were you, I'd ask him to go out and tell him that lately you've been wondering if there could be any dating potential between you two. I think that's the best way to go around it. All the rest (texts, flirting and all that) might work for a guy you've just met..not someone you've got history with. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 I agree with MM, above. Since he's already been shot down once in your history, the likelihood of him taking hints is low. MM's suggestion for how to discuss your interest sounds perfectly reasonable, dignified and fun. Fingers crossed for you! Link to comment
notalady Posted July 13, 2014 Author Share Posted July 13, 2014 Thanks ladies, that's very helpful! Men's point of view around this would also be appreciated! For example, is it true that if you got shot down once, you won't take the hint no matter what the girl does? And what do you think would work for you if you were the guy? What do you think would be your reaction if she said she is thinking about dating potentials between you two? Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 No, don't try to be subtle. He won't get it. Ask him if he is still interested in seeing you. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 I agree with the others that in your case subtlety won't work. When my then ex wanted to get back together after 8 years apart he said "what do you think about us trying again?" (if those weren't his exact words they were darn similar). We'd had 3 platonic get togethers in a month at that point. I am so glad he didn't beat around the bush - if your guy is interested in dating you he will not feel overwhelmed by a direct approach. I'd use as few words as possible and no preamble/back story. I simply would say something like "how about next time we go on a real date?". Link to comment
Iggles Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 I'd use as few words as possible and no preamble/back story. I simply would say something like "how about next time we go on a real date?". That would be perfect. OP, now isn't the time to be shy. Going from friends to lovers, hints won't do. Unless he's certain he has a chance with you romantically, he won't risk offending you after YEARS of friendship. Be brave, and go forth! Right now the timing is perfect because you're both single. Don't wait. He has potentials in the mix. Men jump into relationships pretty fast when they feel a spark. He could have girlfriend by next week. And if you're banking in him picking you over a chick he recently committed to, that's depends on the individual man. Story time - My boyfriend and I went from meeting to officially dating in three weeks. When he told his circle that he had a girlfriend, one of his longtime female friends expressed interest in him. He liked her in the past, but he shut her down and chose to continue seeing me. Risk vs reward, sometimes the potential of a relationship with someone new is more appealing than converting a platonic friendship where you may not be as compatible as romantic partners in important areas and could lose a long term friend if it doesn't work out.. In his case, he thought she was a pretty girl but religious differences and her conservative family were compatibility issues. That and he already was developing strong feelings for me! Moral of the story - don't think your long history with him will mean he will pick you over a new girl if he has just started dating her. Tell him you'd like to go on a date so he knows you are romantic potential sooner rather than later. Link to comment
notalady Posted July 13, 2014 Author Share Posted July 13, 2014 Thanks ladies Timing is indeed quite perfect. He was interested in a new girl but things are quite complicated (she turned out to be bisexual and has a gf, kept saying she's going to break up with her but haven't done it yet because of various reasons), so he's basically still interested but will only want to proceed to date her if she get things sorted. There were two girls he met at a recent event that we both went to this week, and he told me he thought they were attractive but that's the extent of it at this point. So yes I agree if I don't get in ASAP I might lose out on the opportunity to rather quickly haha We were going to go for a movie this Saturday but he got sick so rescheduled for next week. Think I should maybe say something then? Would it be better to do it at or near the end of the date (just using the word for convenience haha)? Or during dinner (if we do have dinner)? Link to comment
notalady Posted July 13, 2014 Author Share Posted July 13, 2014 Also here are a couple of options of what I'm thinking of saying, can you guys also tell me which one sounds better? Haha Option 1: hey so lately I've been wondering if there's potential for us to be more than just friends. - this one sounds a more formal, I was thinking of following it up with a "I don't want to put you on the spot, you don't have to say anything right now, I just want to let you know" if he seems shocked or not sure how to react. The good thing about this option is that I think it just puts the ball in his court and he can go home and have a think about it (as I imagine one would do when a long time friend say this to you!), and ask me out if he is interested. Option 2: hey so how about we go on a real date next time? - this one is said in a more casual and fun way. But it does put him on the spot and he may say he wants more time to think about it. It might feel a bit like a (temporary) rejection if he doesn't say yes to the date straight away? I'm not sure. I also know that he likes to be the initiator/ pursuer when it comes to dating. Would this option make it seem like I'm the pursuer? Even though that is exactly what it is, but still lol! Alternative suggestions also welcomed of course! Link to comment
catfeeder Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 Asking for a 'real' date sounds too much like you're just saying that you haven't enjoyed what you've been doing lately--or something. Asking how he feels about more than friendship is more clear. Link to comment
Iggles Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 I also know that he likes to be the initiator/ pursuer when it comes to dating. Hmm.. When he reschedules the meet up, you could say "this feels kind of like a date" (towards the middle or end) and hold eye contact for a bit with a playful smile. He can respond, and it opens the topic for discussion. But, I think maybe the phone is the way to go. Call him, casually chat for a few minutes, and while discussing plans for your next meet up suggest, "or we could make it a date". Put it out there, and if he's not interested you won't have to awkwardly sit through the rest of dinner or a movie.. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 While I think everyone's advice in this thread is great, I'm seeing a lot of assumptions that the word 'date' is some neon cue for a clear and deliberate shift from friendship to romance. It is not. It's just as subtle as all the cues we're suggesting that the OP can attempt, sure, but probably won't land anywhere. I make 'dates' with my friends and family all the time. Stressing that word will likely ensure that he puts the time and place squarely on his calendar...but will it blatantly signify more than that? NO. Be direct, be clear--you'd like to know whether he might consider shifting your friendship into a potential romance. [[[[[[be silent here--let him churn this.]]]]]]] Cheers! Link to comment
SoulTaker Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 Thanks ladies, that's very helpful! Men's point of view around this would also be appreciated! For example, is it true that if you got shot down once, you won't take the hint no matter what the girl does? And what do you think would work for you if you were the guy? What do you think would be your reaction if she said she is thinking about dating potentials between you two? Okay, here you go. The issue of being turned down does need to be addressed, but it has to be done in a way that doesn't make him feel inadequate. Here are a few examples: 1 - You can say that you were looking for older men at the time (normal for young women), but that is no longer the case. 2 - You can mention that you were with someone at the time (or going after someone), and that after the two of you became friends, you valued the friendship too much to risk it. 3 - Because he was an introvert at the time, you can say that you were attracted to extroverts back then, but you've grown to appreciate what introverts bring to the table. I'm sure that other men will chime in with their ideas on the subject. Of course, you won't bring this up unless you know that he's not seeing anyone. And we're all aware of the risk in dating a "best friend", knowing that if it doesn't work out, you might not be able to go back to being "best friends". Link to comment
notalady Posted July 13, 2014 Author Share Posted July 13, 2014 Thanks SoulTaker, I've actually already done the ground work on this one haha, when we had dinner on Friday, we were chatting about a lot of things, past, present, future, how we grew up, what we want in relationships and even children, this is all in a friend capacity of course, but probably the most in depth talk we've ever had. Anyway he talked about how he was more introverted and less confident in school/university and work has really changed that and he had pushed himself and put himself out there etc. and I agreed, saying how much I noticed he had changed, and slipped into the conversation that at the time I rejected him because I found he was a bit too "nice" or lacked confidence, but I can see how much he's changed. I also commented I have also changed a lot, as a way to suggest that what I liked or didn't like back then may not be the same now. I think that sufficiently addressed the issue of the rejection? I hope it didn't make him feel inadequate since he brought up the whole lack of confidence subject himself and I just went with it haha truth be told I don't even know why I didn't feel that attraction at the time, it probably does have something to do with him came accross too "nice", who knows haha Link to comment
SoulTaker Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 I agree. So what is your next move? Are you going to get to the point, or keep flirting around? Link to comment
notalady Posted July 13, 2014 Author Share Posted July 13, 2014 I agree. So what is your next move? Are you going to get to the point, or keep flirting around? I think I'll take everyone's advice here and ask him directly. I was going to be subtle because I didn't want it to come as too much of a shock or make things awkward, but many here have made a good point about the timing and I agree. Plus I think we are comfortable with each other enough for it not to be awkward or at least I don't think it will affect our friendship even if he rejects me Link to comment
SoulTaker Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 I think I'll take everyone's advice here and ask him directly. I was going to be subtle because I didn't want it to come as too much of a shock or make things awkward, but many here have made a good point about the timing and I agree. Plus I think we are comfortable with each other enough for it not to be awkward or at least I don't think it will affect our friendship even if he rejects me Well, if he rejects you, then I guess the two of you will call it even. Link to comment
notalady Posted July 13, 2014 Author Share Posted July 13, 2014 Well, if he rejects you, then I guess the two of you will call it even. Hahaha! That's right Link to comment
oitnb Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 Let us know how it goes! I can't give any more advice than the others have, but I'm very curious to see the outcome! Link to comment
notalady Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 Haha thanks oitnb, will do an update after our "date" this weekend (this week is going to feel looooong! Link to comment
notalady Posted July 17, 2014 Author Share Posted July 17, 2014 Hi all, just thought I'll give an update and ask for more advice. I had dinner with the guy today, along with some other friends. When we were chatting alone, he let on that that girl he's interested in has broken up with her gf, and they had gone on a couple of dates (had coffee a couple of times and planned a dinner the coming weekend). I sort of said something like, ooo so you're dating her then. He said well not really dating, just getting to know her, taking it slow. And said he doesn't want to get too invested in it yet. Because he jumped into relationships the last two times and it didn't work out well, so just want to take it slow now. And I agreed that's a good idea. So given this is the situation, I don't think I want to say anything directly to him now while he's seeing this girl (ie that thing about the potential for us to be more than just friends). From what I know of him and of this girl, I feel like it probably won't work out, but of course I don't know that! I'm obviously not going to wait around to find out, and will be going on dates and meeting new people etc. But my question is, if I'm still interested in this friend, and want to be there if things don't work out with this girl (that sounds mean but oh well! Lol), what should I do? I was thinking I'll just continue to ask him out/hang out with him on a regular basis as friends as I had been doing the last two weeks, continue my flirting etc and just generally be present. If it's meant to happen it'll happen, if not, e.g if he and this girl become serious etc, then it's not meant to be. What do you guys think? Any other suggestions? Link to comment
SoulTaker Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 When we were chatting alone, he let on that that girl he's interested in has broken up with her gf, and they had gone on a couple of dates Can you clarify this statement? I just want to make sure that I'm reading it correctly. Link to comment
notalady Posted July 17, 2014 Author Share Posted July 17, 2014 Can you clarify this statement? I just want to make sure that I'm reading it correctly. Are you referring to the statement about the girl breaking up with her gf? Lol! She's bi-sexual, has/had a gf, but interested in my friend. Said she was going to break up with the gf but the gf didn't want to. So it was a bit of a complicated situation. When I spoke to my friend tonight, he said she told him she officially broke up with the gf. So they are hanging out again (he refused to see her for dinner when she asked previously and said it's not a good idea since she was still with her gf). Since that's not the case anymore, he agreed to go to dinner. Frankly I felt she handled the whole thing poorly (she even told her gf she liked my friend and leaving her for him, something to that effect. And the gf, who also knows my friend, started texting him. Nothing nasty but enough to be annoying. He obviously didn't want to get involved with their relationship.) and from what I heard, she sounded like a crazy person (messaged my friend saying she wanted to get married to him at such and such cathedral one day), and he thought it was crazy too. Anyway I just don't think she's good enough for him, but I may be biased Anyway it's not my place to judge and it's his life, his choices. Link to comment
Rosti87 Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 You might want to ask yourself if he is attracted to for lack of a better word.. Chaotic women? If you deem yourself stable and steady and he is fascinated with women who you describe as not handling their business well then you may not be in his scope for an indefinite span of time. Link to comment
SoulTaker Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 So, he's fighting a woman, to be with another woman, who told her gf that she's leaving her for him.... This is good stuff. And he's getting angry texts from the jilted lover. You're right, there's nothing you need to do. Just let it play out (don't offer any advice), and when it's over, take care of your business. P.S. - On a side note, you've been around him long enough to get a read on his type of women (what he's looking for). What is it that he sees in the woman he's now semi-dating? Do you come accross as the type of woman he pursues? You're completely different from the woman he's now seeing. Link to comment
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