Attracted to a long time friend - advice on how to approach this?

[notalady]

You might want to ask yourself if he is attracted to for lack of a better word.. Chaotic women? If you deem yourself stable and steady and he is fascinated with women who you describe as not handling their business well then you may not be in his scope for an indefinite span of time.

 

That's an interesting perspective. I don't think he goes for "chaotic" women. He tends to go for attractive women who also seem nice. He often made the mistake of jumping in too quickly and realising only later they were not suitable for him and would end things in a mature and rational manner. His first LTR, I didn't like her at all, she was petty, jealousy and a bit controlling, but otherwise seemed like a nice person in general. She ended up cheating on him and he broke up with her in a mature manner. His second LTR, the girl seemed really nice, I only met her a few of times. It didn't work out because of differences in value. Both seemed pretty normal. I don't know much about his short lived relationships (a couple of months), I think he had some of those but I'm not sure of the details. This is kind of the only "chaotic" woman I guess, she also initially came accross as a nice girl. I feel that he's more just like a normal person trying to figure out what he wants in a partner and learning by trial and error as many of us do, and not wanting to kick someone to the curb because they made mistakes as there is chemistry and he thinks they are nice people.

[notalady]

So, he's fighting a woman, to be with another woman, who told her gf that she's leaving her for him.... This is good stuff. And he's getting angry texts from the jilted lover.

 

You're right, there's nothing you need to do. Just let it play out (don't offer any advice), and when it's over, take care of your business.

 

P.S. - On a side note, you've been around him long enough to get a read on his type of women (what he's looking for). What is it that he sees in the woman he's now semi-dating? Do you come accross as the type of woman he pursues? You're completely different from the woman he's now seeing.

 

Hahaha, yep I had hours of entertainment out of it.

 

Please see my post above and see what you think? Other than attractive and nice, I can't think of much else similarities. I think his problem in the past had been he gets emotionally invested too quickly before getting a good read on the girl, now he's saying he wants to take it slow (learning from his past experience), but whether he can do that successfully, who knows. He could end up wasting some serious time on this girl, which I hope not.

[Rosti87]

Okay. Thanks for clarifying some of the back story. I still think you need to ask yourself how long you are willing to wait while he explores his options. He may come back your way a la 'When Harry Met Sally' or he may not.

 

At some point you will have to make that call

[SoulTaker]

Hahaha, yep I had hours of entertainment out of it.

 

Please see my post above and see what you think? Other than attractive and nice, I can't think of much else similarities. I think his problem in the past had been he gets emotionally invested too quickly before getting a good read on the girl, now he's saying he wants to take it slow (learning from his past experience), but whether he can do that successfully, who knows. He could end up wasting some serious time on this girl, which I hope not.

 

Rosti87, and I are thinking along the same lines as far as the type of women he could be attracted to, and whether you fit what he's looking for. The question is whether he is mature enough to act on his thoughts.

 

If he has matured, and is now seeking more than looks, then this current woman will be gone in less than a month. He already knows that she isn't worth the time and effort. So your cue, might be in how long he stays with her. If he goes into a relationship with her, then I'd have to question whether he has the mentality that you're looking for.

 

Of course you'll continue to date others. Here is a question for you. Does he sleep with them right away, or wait till he's in a relationship with them?

 

BTW - What happened to the "temp job" man? Did you kick him to the curb?

[notalady]

Thanks SoulTaker, that's a good point about gauging whether he has matured in relationships based on how long he ends up staying with her. He doesn't sleep with women till he's in a relationship with them. Even then it probably doesn't happen till several months down the track (pretty normal for Asian).

 

Haha, na I kept him around. Pretty much just see him for certain things, if I'm bored or have no plans lol.. My other dating potentials kinda faded out after 1 or 2 dates, so nothing keeping me too busy at the moment

[notalady]

Okay. Thanks for clarifying some of the back story. I still think you need to ask yourself how long you are willing to wait while he explores his options. He may come back your way a la 'When Harry Met Sally' or he may not.

 

At some point you will have to make that call

 

I'm not waiting around per se, as I'll also be dating (if there are potential dates). But I'll say if he becomes serious with this girl, I'll leave it alone.

[Rosti87]

I'm not waiting around per se, as I'll also be dating (if there are potential dates). But I'll say if he becomes serious with this girl, I'll leave it alone.

Sounds like plan.

[SoulTaker]

Haha, na I kept him around. Pretty much just see him for certain things, if I'm bored or have no plans lol.. My other dating potentials kinda faded out after 1 or 2 dates, so nothing keeping me too busy at the moment

 

You know you ain't right. You know what happens when you keep playing with fire.....

[notalady]

You know you ain't right.

 

I didn't quite get what that means? haha

 

Yea I know what happens when I keep playing with fire haha..but sometimes I just get bored and want company ...amongst other things I guess I'm just indulging in the superficial/fake intimacy that comes with a casual relationship. I know it's not good for me but so far not bad either (yet lol!)...it reminds me a bit of how I feel about fast food haha...

[SoulTaker]

I didn't quite get what that means? haha

 

Dealing with a casual dater, that you've taken a liking too. You do realize that your friend will have to make a better impression than the casual guy (can't go backwards). So what happens if "casual dater" decides to want a LTR?

[notalady]

Dealing with a casual dater, that you've taken a liking too. You do realize that your friend will have to make a better impression than the casual guy (can't go backwards). So what happens if "casual dater" decides to want a LTR?

 

Lol he already makes a better impression than the casual dater, for starters he doesn't date casually haha. I know it's hypocritical of me to say this, but I have more respect for someone who doesn't do casual (I know I know, haha...) He's got a head start also because of how well I already know him and I know that he's a catch, and we have a lot of similar values, we get along better, he always makes me laugh etc.

 

Well I'm not sure I'm actually compatible with the casual dater. If he wants LTR, which is highly unlikely, then I'll want to know him much much better before deciding. If hypothetically they both want LTR with me, I would go for my friend and dump the casual guy.

[SoulTaker]

Lol he already makes a better impression than the casual dater, for starters he doesn't date casually haha. I know it's hypocritical of me to say this, but I have more respect for someone who doesn't do casual (I know I know, haha...) He's got a head start also because of how well I already know him and I know that he's a catch, and we have a lot of similar values, we get along better, he always makes me laugh etc.

 

Well I'm not sure I'm actually compatible with the casual dater. If he wants LTR, which is highly unlikely, then I'll want to know him much much better before deciding. If hypothetically they both want LTR with me, I would go for my friend and dump the casual guy.

 

I understand what you're saying, but I wouldn't be too down on "casual daters". It depends on the "state of mind" that they're in during that time of their life. For example, if you're coming out of a LTR, or marriage, you might want to still socialize, but not be in the mood for a LTR. The key is in letting the people you're dating know that you are causal dating.

[notalady]

I understand what you're saying, but I wouldn't be too down on "casual daters". It depends on the "state of mind" that they're in during that time of their life. For example, if you're coming out of a LTR, or marriage, you might want to still socialize, but not be in the mood for a LTR. The key is in letting the people you're dating know that you are causal dating.

 

Yea true, you always make a good point, SoulTaker

[notalady]

We're meant to go to the movies later today, but he just texted me "hey xxx is joining us. Hope you don't mind he's talking about the girl he's seeing.

 

I know they are meant to meet for dinner after, but I asked him and him alone to the movies! (Obviously not stating I want to go to the movies with him alone, but still..)

 

Hurt is probably not the right word but I feel defeated. He clearly sees me just as a friend, at least right now. Should I just not bother anymore?

 

I need a reality check from you guys.

[Rosti87]

Can only speak for today. I would let go for now. See how his latest relationship rolls. Keep yourself busy with your other opportunities.

[SoulTaker]

We're meant to go to the movies later today, but he just texted me "hey xxx is joining us. Hope you don't mind he's talking about the girl he's seeing.

 

I know they are meant to meet for dinner after, but I asked him and him alone to the movies! (Obviously not stating I want to go to the movies with him alone, but still..)

 

Hurt is probably not the right word but I feel defeated. He clearly sees me just as a friend, at least right now. Should I just not bother anymore?

 

I need a reality check from you guys.

 

He's with somebody. You have to let things play out, stay in the background and not be involved with them. Going to the movies is a bad idea. Did she invite herself after he told her, or did he ask her to join the two of you? That is the big question (which you might not can answer).

 

She can see you as a threat, and sabotage your plans by projecting you as the villain in trying to take her man. He could then be looking at you in a negative light. Give them their space. Of course he sees you as a friend, he's already involved with someone. There's nothing to get hurt about. Why are you rushing things? You know that he has to first stop seeing his current gf.

[notalady]

He's with somebody. You have to let things play out, stay in the background and not be involved with them. Going to the movies is a bad idea. Did she invite herself after he told her, or did he ask her to join the two of you? That is the big question (which you might not can answer).

 

She can see you as a threat, and sabotage your plans by projecting you as the villain in trying to take her man. He could then be looking at you in a negative light. Give them their space. Of course he sees you as a friend, he's already involved with someone. There's nothing to get hurt about. Why are you rushing things? You know that he has to first stop seeing his current gf.

 

I don't want to get involved with them. Not sure if he invited her or she asked to come along, I get the feeling it's the second, but who knows. You said that's the big question, can you elaborate?

 

I'm not trying to rush things, but it's annoying that now she's coming along to the movies. If it was several friends gathering, fine. But I wouldn't have invited someone I just started seeing to crash a one-on-one friend catch up or movie or whatever it is, it feels rude to me. It feels like I'm losing a friend, again, just like when he started dating his first serious gf back in uni (after he had asked me out and I rejected him), me him and another girl were close friends, but when he started dating his gf, he would always invite her to all of our catch ups, there was no more friend time, ever, she was always there and she didn't fit in, also quite rude (always talking to him in private, sharing their inside joke and excluding us). That's why we grew apart at the time. When I was dating, I invited my bf to group friends gatherings too but I always made sure I allocated time just for my friends, especially my good friends, to have one-on-one catch ups and see how's life going with them, talk about things they may not want to share in front of my bf.

 

I think I'm more pissed off and disappointed as a friend more than anything, and feel like I just shouldn't be bothered. It's like he hasn't changed at all, it makes me feel like he doesn't even value our friendship, let alone being interested in more than that. Maybe I'm just being dramatic.

[Ms Darcy]

When men get gfs, the gfs take priority over female friends most of the time.

 

I think he's trying to make it clear to her that you are no more than a friend.

 

I'd stop inviting him to hang out one-on-one if I were you.

[notalady]

Going to the movies is a bad idea. Did she invite herself after he told her, or did he ask her to join the two of you? That is the big question (which you might not can answer).

 

She can see you as a threat, and sabotage your plans by projecting you as the villain in trying to take her man. He could then be looking at you in a negative light.

 

Movie went fine, we got there early so all went for a coffee. I have already met her before (at the same time he met her, at that social event). We chatted about various things, she was nice and friendly. So yea I don't think she sees me as a threat lol. We then went to the movies and I left right after.

 

I'm also now pretty sure he invited her instead of the other way round. She doesn't come accross as the type to invite herself and I think he's keen to show her we are just friends.

 

Anyway! Taking your advice about being in the background and let things run it's course. Meanwhile, I'm onto better things!

[missmarple]

I wouldn't have invited someone I just started seeing to crash a one-on-one friend catch up or movie or whatever it is, it feels rude to me.

 

It's all relative. If you had agreed to meet to talk about something personal, then, yes, it would be rude to bring along a new gf. But a movie is just a movie.

If you weren't interested in him, would you see this the same way? I mean I have male friends and I don't mind if they bring along their gfs or other friends when we go out...I see it as an opportunity to meet new people, maybe make new friends..and the same goes for my female friends.

Actually, in the case of male friends, I even make sure to tell them 'bring so and so' because, especially when it's someone new they're dating and she doesn't know me or barely knows me, I don't want to leave the slightest impression that something else might be going on. I expect the same from my bf's, too...that is, to be introduced to their female friends.

[notalady]

I guess it is a pet peeve of mine, I also didn't like it when me and a few of my friends agreed to catch up last week and one of them said last minute that she invited her room mate to come too. Once I'm there, I'm fine, I'm probably one of the most social people at the table. And I love meeting new people, I do it all the time. I think I just don't like unexpected change of plans. Sometimes I don't feel like socialising, I just want to be in my comfort zone and hang out with my friends, I don't want to try to get to know someone new, and a last minute change of plans doesn't give me the option to opt out of it. So I'm pretty much forced to do it even if I don't feel like it.

 

But to answer your question, it would still bother me if I wasn't interested in my friend but not as much.

 

I agree with your view on introducing a new partner to friends, but this is a girl he's only been on a few dates with, they are definitely not bf and gf yet, they aren't even holding hands yet. Would you take someone you've been on 3-5 dates with to meet your friends?

 

That being said, I have already met her before at the social event and know about their story, so he probably thought it's ok to invite her along.

[Batya33]

"Sometimes I don't feel like socialising, I just want to be in my comfort zone and hang out with my friends, I don't want to try to get to know someone new, and a last minute change of plans doesn't give me the option to opt out of it. So I'm pretty much forced to do it even if I don't feel like it."

 

I totally agree! I was in a similar situation recently (but platonic friends only).

 

People are different about introducing "new" people to others. When my husband and I were dating I would not have invited him along to a one on one plan with a girlfriend but I also was in the situation where girlfriends would invite me to a Saturday night plan but girls only -that was hard for me since we were long distance and weekends were often the only time we could see each other. I usually don't invite women friends to plans without their SOs on a Saturday night unless that's not a typical "date night.

[Ms Darcy]

ISometimes I don't feel like socialising, I just want to be in my comfort zone and hang out with my friends, I don't want to try to get to know someone new, and a last minute change of plans doesn't give me the option to opt out of it. So I'm pretty much forced to do it even if I don't feel like it.

 

I hear ya. One of my best male friends, once he got a serious partner, would bring him along for EVERYTHING. I just had to get used to it.

 

Sadly, we did drift apart.

[SoulTaker]

Movie went fine, we got there early so all went for a coffee. I have already met her before (at the same time he met her, at that social event). We chatted about various things, she was nice and friendly. So yea I don't think she sees me as a threat lol. We then went to the movies and I left right after.

 

I'm also now pretty sure he invited her instead of the other way round. She doesn't come accross as the type to invite herself and I think he's keen to show her we are just friends.

 

Anyway! Taking your advice about being in the background and let things run it's course. Meanwhile, I'm onto better things!

 

Oh, if she only knew about your future plans with him! Good thing she's not a mind reader. I asked if she invited herself, as a clue to how she perceives you (woman instincts). Remember, you said that she sounded like a crazy woman (told him they were getting married...).

 

On a side note, I've never liked it when a woman talks about future marriage, when she doesn't even know the guy (still dating). It probably means nothing, but he didn't say she that was kidding around. I hope that he's not easily controllable.

[notalady]

Oh, if she only knew about your future plans with him! Good thing she's not a mind reader. I asked if she invited herself, as a clue to how she perceives you (woman instincts). Remember, you said that she sounded like a crazy woman (told him they were getting married...).

 

On a side note, I've never liked it when a woman talks about future marriage, when she doesn't even know the guy (still dating). It probably means nothing, but he didn't say she that was kidding around. I hope that he's not easily controllable.

 

Haha! I felt bad for hoping their relationship fails, she seems like a nice girl. This is not a good side of me haha

 

He showed me the text message, it didn't seem like a joke. I think he told her to slow down there or something like that. I hope he's not either, though I think some of the red flag or deal breaker behaviour like clinginess, neediness, insecurity he does seem to tolerate. Maybe it's not a deal breaker for him!