Attracted to a long time friend - advice on how to approach this?

[Batya33]

I would avoid the temptation to gossip about her with him or speculate about/analyze text messages. You are not in their developing relationship so your opinion or speculation is probably irrelevant.

[notalady]

I would avoid the temptation to gossip about her with him or speculate about/analyze text messages. You are not in their developing relationship so your opinion or speculation is probably irrelevant.

 

lol yea I know better than to do that. He showed me that message a few weeks ago when she was still with her ex and at the time he didn't seem all that interested, it was a "look at how crazy this is" thing, and he told me all these things in a way that didn't portray her in a positive light. So the entire time I thought he wasn't that interested in her. Even when the girl messaged him to imply that she had broken up with her ex, he showed me the message, and I said what are you gona do? He said nothing, he's just going to leave it. And all of a sudden, since a week ago, he's into it again (after I think she told him they officially broke up).

 

I was actually surprised he was still interested after all that lol. Maybe that says something about him! Though I'm not quite sure what exactly does it say about him?

[Batya33]

People are attracted to other people for all different reasons. Since you are interested in him you're not the right person to analyze why. If someone had asked me if I was interested in my ex the day we were supposed to meet for dinner after several years apart I would have said no way (although I had nothing negative to say about him and did not). I bet he would have said the same. We've been married 5 years. It also depends who's asking the question and why so perhaps he sincerely felt that way to an extent but didn't share his ambivalence, etc. Things can change in a heartbeat.

[SoulTaker]

This will give you a chance to evaluate him from a safe distance as to how he values women, and what he looks for. Is he into only the looks, or does he value character,... This isn't a normal dating situation.

 

If things go downhill, or becomes contentious, be careful of how you respond to him if he wants your input on the two of them. You might want to find a diplomatic way to stay out of this one, and see how he handles his business.

[Batya33]

This will give you a chance to evaluate him from a safe distance as to how he values women, and what he looks for. Is he into only the looks, or does he value character,... This isn't a normal dating situation.

 

If things go downhill, or becomes contentious, be careful of how you respond to him if he wants your input on the two of them. You might want to find a diplomatic way to stay out of this one, and see how he handles his business.

 

I don't think his decision to date one particular woman will give an outsider much relevant information unless something very extreme happens during the relationship.

 

I would stay out of it and if they break up then ask him out.

[notalady]

I think SoulTaker is talking more along the lines of using it as an opportunity to observe what kind of person he is, how he values women and how he handles relationships in general etc. I agree that we can always learn about someone through how they handle situations, even ones we are not involved in.

[Batya33]

I think SoulTaker is talking more along the lines of using it as an opportunity to observe what kind of person he is, how he values women and how he handles relationships in general etc. I agree that we can always learn about someone through how they handle situations, even ones we are not involved in.

 

As I wrote above I don't agree that you can evaluate that to any relevant degree just by how he acts when he is dating this particular woman, especially since you are interested in him.

[notalady]

As I wrote above I don't agree that you can evaluate that to any relevant degree just by how he acts when he is dating this particular woman, especially since you are interested in him.

 

Well if for example someone handles relationship conflicts and breakups poorly (like that girl did), it's an observation to be made and reflects on their maturity and would make me question if I want to date them. It would be relevant if there are any glaring red flags that reflects on his character and his values, but I agree to the extent that there may not be any observations to be made and probably nothing I didn't already know about him anyway.

 

My interest in him has no impact on my judgement though, it's not like I'm so in love with him that my judgement is clouded lol.

[Batya33]

Well if for example someone handles relationship conflicts and breakups poorly (like that girl did), it's an observation to be made and reflects on their maturity and would make me question if I want to date them. It would be relevant if there are any glaring red flags that reflects on his character and his values, but I agree to the extent that there may not be any observations to be made and probably nothing I didn't already know about him anyway.

 

My interest in him has no impact on my judgement though, it's not like I'm so in love with him that my judgement is clouded lol.

 

Of course -they are all "observations" but I would give them far less emphasis than you plan to. You have no idea who that girl really is, what her relationship was really like, how she has handled breakups in the past, etc. I do agree with red flags -for example if he dated someone who was married, or if he dated a drug addict, etc those are extremes (and facts) from which you could learn.

[SoulTaker]

I don't think his decision to date one particular woman will give an outsider much relevant information unless something very extreme happens during the relationship.

 

I would stay out of it and if they break up then ask him out.

 

The OP understands what I'm stating. She's not an outsider, and no one is telling her to get involved. My update clearly states to don't get too involved if he comes to her for input.

 

My statement stands. They're best friends and he's already told her a lot already, so the evaluation has already begun. We'll have to agree to disagree on this one.

[notalady]

Of course -they are all "observations" but I would give them far less emphasis than you plan to. You have no idea who that girl really is, what her relationship was really like, how she has handled breakups in the past, etc. I do agree with red flags -for example if he dated someone who was married, or if he dated a drug addict, etc those are extremes (and facts) from which you could learn.

 

You are right I don't know her, and from what I saw of her in person, she seemed like a lovely girl. But the fact that I do know is that she got my friend involved by announcing to her ex that she was leaving her for him, resulting in the ex harassing him with texts (nothing malicious but it is an annoyance). If it was me I would have been majorly turned off by someone that got me involved in their previous relationship. Someone I wasn't even dating but was just interested in.

 

Not to mention the fact that it's a hurtful thing to do to the ex, no one wants to be told that their partner is leaving them for someone else, rather than that the relationship ended on it's own terms. While there was no physical cheating, it was emotional cheating. And you know what they say about cheaters. My friend knows this more than anyone else as his ex did it to him. Maybe it's just me, maybe others don't feel that it's a hurtful thing to do. Maybe this is an acceptable way of cheating because there was no physical involvement.

 

This action alone suggests to me that she lacks maturity and consideration for other people.

 

And the fact that my friend just accepted it suggests to me that it is possible that he too may be lacking in these things (ie he thinks it's acceptable and ok to do that) or he's a really poor judge of character, or delusional/ignoring red flags. Actually now that I say it out loud, I'm not really sure I want to date him anymore

[Batya33]

I think what she did -if it happened as you said - is not cheating of any kind -it's simply thoughtless/tactless. So I think you're taking it too far by labeling it as cheating and then generalizing it from there. And yes there are some people who would rather know it was someone else than other possible reasons. It sounds like you're trying to convince yourself to keep your distance from this person -honestly, since he is interested in dating someone else do whatever works to keep your distance where it's rationalizations or otherwise.

[notalady]

Being thoughtless/tactless is the symptom, lack of maturity and consideration for others is the cause. I thought this even before I started becoming interested in my friend. So whether it's rationalisation or not, I don't know.

 

Labelling it cheating is probably too extreme I agree. And I know some people prefer to know if it's someone else, we often seek the truth even if it's hurtful and think that if we know the truth we would feel better, or it would somehow make any difference. I've learned years ago that sometimes truth doesn't matter and frankly, not knowing the truth makes me feel better when knowing it doesn't make any difference to the outcome other than hurting myself in the process.

 

The involvement of someone else is also rarely the cause of the actual break down of the relationship, it is again, a symptom. If someone is in a happy relationship and has no issues, they would not have fallen for someone else. So to say you're leaving them for someone else is a cop out from having to explain what went wrong and why you wanted to leave them in the first place. Anyway I can't comment on what happened in this particular case since I don't know, and it's irrelevant.

 

Am I rationalising to distance myself? I'm not sure. I constantly analyse things to reach a conclusion, and to learn something from it, even just new information about someone that may become useful later. It doesn't stop just because I'm leaving it alone. Is that my way of making myself feel better or am I actually trying to rationally assess the situation? I'm honestly not sure. I guess better analyse this, haha