new girlfriend is hesistant about sex

[Realitynut]

I told my 'friend' that i was NOT looking for another man. And i wasn't. But then he was...cuz he wanted intimacy. Only SHE knows why she's not ready for sex yet! I was open to it....didn't have the idea totally shut and closed. Really and truly....i was VERY emotionally attached. Flirted, acted like he was my bf..just without the sex. I use to kid him that he was my FWB...without the Benefits!

 

I was NOT looking to get married tho. And he had been married 3 times, so wasn't either. Now he has been with this new girl for 2 months. Just pecks and hugs. Says he feels NO chemistry with her. Like he did with me right off the bat...but yet he is seeing HER...not me...who he has chemistry....(and sexual urges) with.

 

Actually, it sounds (my ex and his new girl) like he and i were last year, but the roles reversed!

 

Who KNOWS what is on her mind! Hell...I hardly could figure out what was on MY mind!!! When we first started hanging out...I laughed and giggled like a school girl. I just didn't want to get PHYSICAL. For a myriad of reasons....Physical attraction was just one aspect.

 

He then lost weight, I became more attracted....then the final push...i knew i was going to lose him if i didn't do the 'sex' thing.

 

We did. I became VERY sexually attracted to him. Do i find him PHYSICALLY attractive yet? Not really. But then again...I"m not that physically attractive.

 

Everything is NOT so cut and dried. Like i said, take it SLOW!!! Start with holding her hand. My guy use to rub my feet all the time. lol.....and tried to give me massages! lol

 

eh...i miss those days!

 

I told my ex friend that i found him more attractive this year than i did last year. I think it hurt his feelings. But i was honest...and always had been.

 

Just take your time....let the love grow. If it doesn't, it doesn't. But don't just jump out of the picture because she won't jump in the sack with you....

 

Unless of course that is just what you WANT!

 

OH...btw...I am very sexual. ex friend said it was the most passionate sex he ever had. So being 'cold' sexually was not my problem. NOW...with that being said, there are MANY women (and men) who are NOT interested in sex. Or sex very often. This may be the case with her. I didn't have sex with my ex husband, cuz i didn't LOVE him. I want LOVING feelings to enter the picture before i show my naked body to someone.

 

Maybe she is the same.

 

Or maybe she doesn't like sex.

 

Or maybe she doesn't like you.

 

None of us know.

 

And maybe she doesn't either.

[journeynow]

Official, shmofficial! He isn't some new dude she has just met. He has been around in a romantic sense - talking to her, spending time with her, being emotionally available to her, letting her know that he cares for her for quite some time.

 

If she is attracted to him, she has been attracted to him for a while.

 

It's not about how long they've been "official", IMO.

 

Oh, sorry. I took "talking and hanging out" to mean on a friendly basis, not romantic, not dating, not being romantic. I misinterpreted. However, I do think you can feel attracted AND want to take things slow. I don't know what her reasons are. Could be interpreted different ways.

 

OP, why don't you ask her?

[abitbroken]

Wow: according to you, this is a situation where it's right for the woman to have random meaningless sex, but wrong for her to be in a relationship.

 

I gotta find some separated women...

 

The "fling" is not here asking for advice. If the "fling" were here, I would tell him to stay away from a married woman as well. Too much of a mess. Go bonk someone else who is available. (I was mainly trying to point just because a woman slept with one guy doesn't mean she wants to sleep with a different one.) But since the OP is the one here who is trying to be in a "committed" relationship with a married woman - the advice goes towards the relationship end. I cannot fathom why he would want to further commit to a woman who cannot commit to him fully. He believes he is deserving of sex because he hangs out with her and her kid, etc, but he is missing the big picture here. He is going to be back here in a few months talking about how she reconciled with her husband, or if not, why she still never plans to get a divorce, etc. and why she blows hot and cold about where he can be seen with her and where he can't. The swiftest kick in this situation is to leave her until she gets a divorce and in the meantime he will have found someone else who TRULY wants to be with him instead of someone who is still burned. Or she ends up actually getting a divorce.

[HeartGoesOn]

Point taken. But if she is on the lookout for another man, why would she post her relationship status on facebook for the world to see?

 

No matter how you slice it, her relationship status is "Married." Why is it so difficult to understand that she's not available?

[jak3]

That's not true, I did sleep with her we just didn't have sex.

 

What if she is just holding out because she just wants to take things slow?

How much slower are you willing to put up with?

[Realitynut]

I don't know.....I think if you are separated.....NOT living together....and just waiting for the ink to dry, why should you NOT be able to see someone else? Even if it is just for a fling. You are NOT in a committed relationship anymore. You ARE BROKEN UP by anyone's standard. Most divorces take a year to finalize. Mine was 11 months and it was pushed thru fast at the end! We only had ONE meeting on divided up the assets.

 

But by all accounts...we were NOT together anymore. Now if a couple is still living together...one still has FEELINGS for the other....then it is one big mess.

 

But most are over...and had been over for quite some time. Divorce papers are just that....papers.

 

Just as some people who don't believe in being officially married...but are married/a couple in their eyes. I have a cousin who has been with her man for 35 years. Doesn't believe in the 'paper' to be married. Some don't need the 'paper' to be dry before they move on....If it's over...it's OVER.

[Firiel]

"Facebook Official" but you haven't shared her bed. Don't you see the contradiction? You are not her crutch, you are a placeholder. Not Mr. Right but Mr. Right Now. You can escort her on dates, help her wallpaper, even meet family and friends but you are not her ONE. Only she knows this for sure, but there seems to be some red flags.

 

Instead of offering her request to be your girlfriend or her facebook official status as proof, why not examine her actions, her passion for you, her intimacies with you. It feels like you are ready to take this to the next level while she is in a holding pattern. That is my only concern. This doesn't work for you but you are making excuses to continue this.

 

Ummm... there is absolutely no inherent contradiction here.

 

I have been official with people I am attracted to for far longer than a week before sex is even on the table. My boyfriend and I were dating for at least a month and had known each other for over a year before we even kissed. Trust me-- I'm attracted to him.

 

Maybe she's not attracted to him... that is certainly possible. I'd need to see them together or hear more about their interactions to feel like I could make a guess. But maybe she just feels that, for her personally, sex is better when it's an expression of love and commitment. Maybe her earlier fling is what helped her come to this realization.

[SooSad33]

Sounds like she just isn't 'ready' for you, still.

 

"Why would she want to be with me if she doesn't want to have sex with me? Also when I hang out with her I am affectionate with her, but she is not affectionate with me? "

- Exactly. For a healthy relationship to work, it needs to go both ways. Not just one.

 

I'm wondering if you should mention to her to seek therapy, if she was really that damaged? It has been 9 months now, with you two?

[PaintWithLight]

Ummm... there is absolutely no inherent contradiction here.

 

I have been official with people I am attracted to for far longer than a week before sex is even on the table. My boyfriend and I were dating for at least a month and had known each other for over a year before we even kissed. Trust me-- I'm attracted to him.

 

Maybe she's not attracted to him... that is certainly possible. I'd need to see them together or hear more about their interactions to feel like I could make a guess. But maybe she just feels that, for her personally, sex is better when it's an expression of love and commitment. Maybe her earlier fling is what helped her come to this realization.

 

True enough. It is just hard to track the trajectory of the relationship with the sketchy information. When did the "hanging out" period end and when did the love and attraction take root? I have no issue with a woman taking her time before she has sex. This just feels like she is just putting him off instead of fully explain the arc of how her affection develops.

 

I think the OP knows something is askew in his gut but keeps looking for confirmation that she is truly into him.

[Blue Spiral]

(I was mainly trying to point just because a woman slept with one guy doesn't mean she wants to sleep with a different one.)

 

That's definitely true. But if she doesn't want to sleep with him, is "in a relationship" the best signal to be sending?

 

I personally think that the lack of sex is a much bigger problem than her (technically) being married. I know tons of separated people that date; it isn't uncommon at all.

 

OP: you didn't say any vows, so you don't have anything to worry about, in that regard. Find out if she wants you or not, and if she only "wants you" in the sense that she wants a man around to do (non-sexual) things for her, you should move on.

[Batya33]

In general I don't think married people should date even if they are not living with their spouse at the time. In particular it sounds like this woman is not ready because she is still married and has serious issues to deal with with her children (child?). As far as marriage just being a piece of paper -sure if the woman was married for convenience or a green card only that might be different but if the OP thinks marriage means more than a piece of paper that might prove to be an issue in being involved with a woman who feels that way. This woman seems to have been married for all the substantive reasons and it's safe to assume that she doesn't look at marriage as just a piece of paper.

[Realitynut]

I was married for 20 years...buy the time we were divorced...the divorce decree was just a piece of paper. The marriage wasn't.

[90_hour_sleep]

No matter how you slice it, her relationship status is "Married." Why is it so difficult to understand that she's not available?

 

I think there are a lot of people who are separated and out in the dating world while they get their ducks in a row to settle the divorce. Divorce can be a lengthy, drawn out affair that lasts years for some people. Who knows why in some cases, but it doesn't necessarily correlate to being ''unavailable''. It really depends on the people involved. Some people take the better part of five years to deal with the paperwork. Meanwhile, it's pretty easy to move along emotionally in that sort of time frame.

 

I think separated and married are different things in the the modern world.

 

In this case specifically though, you're probably right. Maybe it just hasn't been long enough. There's still some healing to be done.

[abitbroken]

You have not answered the question: Why are you dating a married woman when you can date someone else who is available to have a relationship legally, mentally and emotionally with you and there is nothing in the way if you guys want to commit to eachother in any way you want to - "official boyfriend/girlfriend" or even getting engaged at some point if you want?

 

If the OP was a 22 year old woman dating a married man with a kid, we would be all over her that she "deserves better" = so why are we debating whether a divorce is just a piece of paper or not in this case? She can't remarry because she is married. She may ultimately decide that she prefers to stay married for the financial benefits and you ultimately could have a broken heart. Unless emotionally unavailable women is something you are attracted to because you are a bit commitmentphobic.

 

To me, I would think if she truly wanted to be with you - or to date period -she would put the speed pedal on the divorce. Even that states that require a year's separation with a child - she should know by now when the divorce timeframe might be at this point. She would want to start a new life instead of playing with men's hearts.

 

btw, my divorce took less than 60 days from start to finish - so it can be done - but we didn't have any kids. I would say she should have at least filed by now or you should know why she has not or will not in all fairness to you.

[RedDress]

That's not true, I did sleep with her we just didn't have sex.

 

I have never been able to sleep in a bed next to a 'new' man that I am very attracted to and NOT end up naked. Sorry - but how do you even do that?? Does their smell, their warmth, their mere presence and closeness, the thoughts of the 'possibilities' not drive you insane?? How would you get ANY sleep at all??

 

I mean... not since I was a virgin anyways...

 

The 'defense' for that, IMO, is to not get into bed with them until you are ready to get naked...

 

... I guess I just don't understand. Or I'm a horndog. It's possible.

 

I do agree with the 'married' thing, though. Divorces don't take that long. In my experience, if there is still fighting, there is still caring. People who don't care and just want it over with generally don't fight anymore. At least in 99% of cases, IMO.

[Batya33]

I was married for 20 years...buy the time we were divorced...the divorce decree was just a piece of paper. The marriage wasn't.

 

I never dated anyone (knowingly) whose divorce was final for less than a year no matter why the marriage was still in place - from all my experience (only from the perspective of what I have studied and the people I have known -I've never been divorced) whether the decree is just a piece of paper doesn't change the various distinctions most (not all I'm sure there are exceptions) make when they are still married. I remember 2 different guys calling me back when their divorces were final for a year (when I told them I wouldn't date them until that time) and both told me that at the time they felt they were ready to get involved but realized later that they were not.

 

I agree with Dr. Joy Browne's "one year rule" in this regard. Also my only reason for dating once I was in my mid 20s was to get married so I didn't want to start out with someone who was still married or freshly divorced. Sounds like you were an exception as far as feeling ready to get involved in serious relationships while you were still married. I don't think the person the OP is referring to is one of the exceptions in the least.

[Batya33]

I have never been able to sleep in a bed next to a 'new' man that I am very attracted to and NOT end up naked. Sorry - but how do you even do that?? Does their smell, their warmth, their mere presence and closeness, the thoughts of the 'possibilities' not drive you insane?? How would you get ANY sleep at all??

 

I mean... not since I was a virgin anyways...

 

The 'defense' for that, IMO, is to not get into bed with them until you are ready to get naked...

 

... I guess I just don't understand. Or I'm a horndog. It's possible.

 

I do agree with the 'married' thing, though. Divorces don't take that long. In my experience, if there is still fighting, there is still caring. People who don't care and just want it over with generally don't fight anymore. At least in 99% of cases, IMO.

 

 

I had many sleepovers with partners before we were ready to have intercourse. Typically great experiences with the only exceptions being in a few rare instances where despite the direct communication in advance he still thought I would change my mind.

[jmantra]

That's definitely true. But if she doesn't want to sleep with him, is "in a relationship" the best signal to be sending?

 

I personally think that the lack of sex is a much bigger problem than her (technically) being married. I know tons of separated people that date; it isn't uncommon at all.

 

OP: you didn't say any vows, so you don't have anything to worry about, in that regard. Find out if she wants you or not, and if she only "wants you" in the sense that she wants a man around to do (non-sexual) things for her, you should move on.

 

Well we've only been officially dating a week, she might just be holding out until the timing feels "right". Now time will tell whether or not she just wants a man around for companionship or whatever, she should have just told me LJBF so she can be free to date (or sleep with) who she wants without feeling guilty. Only time will tell where this relationship is going.

[jmantra]

You have not answered the question: Why are you dating a married woman when you can date someone else who is available to have a relationship legally, mentally and emotionally with you and there is nothing in the way if you guys want to commit to eachother in any way you want to - "official boyfriend/girlfriend" or even getting engaged at some point if you want?

 

Because I am desperate, she is the only woman that I like that likes me back. I have only had one "real" relationship in my entire 31 years of existence. I have talked to her about the whole divorce thing and she basically just sees it as a formality, though if we get more serious I will be pushing the issue. They don't live together, and barely talk to each other. As far as sex thing, I think some women want to wait til it's the "right" time, they don't want to be some planned event. Though only time will tell if she is just looking for a companion, if and when I find that out, at that point I will walk away. I am desperate, but not THAT desperate.

[Blue Spiral]

Only time will tell where this relationship is going.

 

How much effort, money, and attention do you plan on giving her during this time? And is she giving you something back, or is it strictly one-sided?

[jmantra]

How much effort, money, and attention do you plan on giving her during this time? And is she giving you something back, or is it strictly one-sided?

 

She asked to be my girlfriend, so as much as time and effort as I can. She does give back some, but this relationship seems mainly one sided. What I don't understand is if she using me for companionship or whatever, like some people here are suggesting, why would she want to be committed to me? Why wouldn't she just friend zone me?

 

In any event, I am not deluding myself here, I know in my gut something is askew, but as of right now I am hoping for the best, but I am prepared for the worst. If I come to find out she really is using me, I am going to rip her a new one, and then I am going to disappear.

[abitbroken]

Because I am desperate, she is the only woman that I like that likes me back. I have only had one "real" relationship in my entire 31 years of existence. I have talked to her about the whole divorce thing and she basically just sees it as a formality, though if we get more serious I will be pushing the issue. They don't live together, and barely talk to each other. As far as sex thing, I think some women want to wait til it's the "right" time, they don't want to be some planned event. Though only time will tell if she is just looking for a companion, if and when I find that out, at that point I will walk away. I am desperate, but not THAT desperate.

 

Here is the crux of it, then. You are desperate and willing to take whatever female interest you can get - even if it is from a married woman. I mean, at the very basic level, don't you have enough respect for yourself to date someone who is available? yes, you are THAT desperate because if she really wanted a true relationship, she would already be divorced, or the papers would have been long ago filed (not some lame "its just a formality" and not do anything to get divorced) and she would be prepping herself to meet someone new - self improvement books, figuring out who she is as a single or part time mom, etc., so she can get herself good to meet someone of quality who is also emotionally available for a relationship. Because she has not moved on her divorce (no one filed, right?) that us the biggest sign that she is not truly looking for a relationship that can develop.

 

She probably won't TELL you she just wants a warm body because she doesn't want to insult you or is not that self aware. And even so, you are desperate so you will just stay anyways. A guy with healthy boundaries would say "i am better than this, I deserve a woman who WANTS to be with me and is extremely clear in her actions, her words and her deeds."

 

 

So really, for the sake of your own self respect, don't be six months or a year into this and start to press her about a divorce - walk away now and tell her to contact you when she is divorced. Actually - do you guys "date" or do you just hang around her house? And I am guessing you were acting as her shoulder all this time and waiting in the wings hoping to turn this into a relationship - if you have just become official and said you were friends for a few months. That is what desperate people do and are surprised when the other person becomes stronger or discards them or uses them as a rebound.

 

So, be strong - you are good enough to have a mutual relationship. You just need some confidence and some good boundaries to accept nothing less.

[Blue Spiral]

She asked to be my girlfriend, so as much as time and effort as I can. She does give back some, but this relationship seems mainly one sided. What I don't understand is if she using me for companionship or whatever, like some people here are suggesting, why would she want to be committed to me? Why wouldn't she just friend zone me?

 

She's getting attention and emotional support without sleeping with you, so she's basically friendzoned you already. The women of ENA will likely disagree with me, but I personally feel that a relationship isn't real if there isn't sex involved.

 

I'm afraid that you're just a fallback option, to her. Some people (women in particular, IMHO) have trouble being single--they're swinging along in the jungle, and they aren't going to let go of one vine until they have another firmly in hand. You may just be a "bridge". She's about to be alone, she doesn't want to be...but she isn't acting like she wants to be in a new relationship, either.

 

I've dealt with a lot of recently-divorced (and soon-to-be-divorced) women. I was just looking for FWBs, so I didn't have any problem being the "rebound guy". Strangely, she isn't even treating you like a rebound guy: it's common for divorced women to go through a newly-single "empowerment phase" where they act more sexual than usual, go to the gym a lot, and basically get their minds and bodies back in "single shape". I'm afraid that she's using you as an emotional security blanket, and that she'll use other men as a physical security blanket (proving to herself that she's still attractive, etc.).

 

If she doesn't start treating you better, you need to move on.

[abitbroken]

it's common for divorced women to go through a newly-single "empowerment phase" where they act more sexual than usual, go to the gym a lot, and basically get their minds and bodies back in "single shape". I'm afraid that she's using you as an emotional security blanket, and that she'll use other men as a physical security blanket (proving to herself that she's still attractive, etc.).

 

I will say what some divorced women miss right away especially if they have kids is having the sharemate/the workmate, someone there to pick the kid up on the ride home, the person that sits with them at dinner and that they talk to while cleaning. Just plain having a partner. It can be lonely. Now, if the OP was not desperate and just took her out on dates and did not accept the just "hanging around" this whole time, he would get what he wanted out of it rather than just being there constantly and hoping she will flip the switch over into wanting him as a full relationship even though she really can't. Or she would have rejected him and he wouldn't have thought she sort of owes him anything.

 

I'm afraid that she's using you as an emotional security blanket, and that she'll use other men as a physical security blanket (proving to herself that she's still attractive, etc.).

 

And she did that already before him.

[PaintWithLight]

She asked to be my girlfriend, so as much as time and effort as I can. She does give back some, but this relationship seems mainly one sided. What I don't understand is if she using me for companionship or whatever, like some people here are suggesting, why would she want to be committed to me? Why wouldn't she just friend zone me?

 

In any event, I am not deluding myself here, I know in my gut something is askew, but as of right now I am hoping for the best, but I am prepared for the worst. If I come to find out she really is using me, I am going to rip her a new one, and then I am going to disappear.

 

I don't believe you are viewing this situation correctly. She can smell the sexual desperation on you and your insecurities. The comments about a woman "holding out" and "ripping her a new one" really speak volumes.

 

Perhaps you should examine why this is the first woman who has shown you interest. Improving your social skills and dating skills might provide better results than hanging on to her while she tries to identify what is making her feel so unsettled about you.