How to deal with knowing you are not attractive enough

[radiohead20]

How do you deal with knowing that are not attractive enough, physically, to date a girl that you feel a connection with, personality wise and physically?

 

After it was clear that my looks were the problem, from the opinions I got from others and the clear evidence I got from the opposite sex (I have never been hit on or asked out by a girl I would be excited to go on a date with). I tried dating women I had a lot in common with except for the physical chemistry. It did not work as I felt like it was hard to get that intimacy. I did all that I could to improve my appearance. I lifted weights and got a extremely good body and dressed very well and took care of myself. Unfortunately doing those things did not improve how physically attractive I was (seriously).

 

Just to clarify, I KNOW it sounds hypocritical to say you want something (a girl you are attracted too physically) and not be able to deliver it yourself. I REALIZE this but now am just trying to see what I can do to cope with this fact. I am not saying a deserve a girl that I am physically attracted to at all, I am saying that I realized that dating someone I am not physically attracted too has not worked in the past for me but is the only option I have at the moment, and I am trying to figure out how to cope with that. There are many people out there in the same situation as me, however I cannot seem to "date down at my own level looks wise", not sure why?

 

I tried just working on myself and realizing I may be single for the foreseeable future, but I could not escape my issues - I still see women I am attracted to around me and sometimes meet them, and it makes it extremely hard to ignore this part of my life.

 

Avoiding areas with women is a ridiculous option that would not work. Is there any way to quell your sex drive? If I could somehow find a way to really hinder my attraction to the opposite sex I think that would be the best option for me right now. I KNOW this thread sounds a little "nutsy" but this issue is really affecting my life and I would really like to get rid of it, or at least not make it as bad.

 

here are what I see are my options:

-Keep trying until I find a girl that does not place too much emphasis on looks

-Try to meet some foreign women: I have heard they find american men attractive.

-Work on myself and just ignore the opposite sex, hopefully I can distract myself to the point where women will not cross my mind too much. Keep in mind this is NOT going to ironically make me more successful with women, this only works for good looking people.

[t1lersm0m1]

You need to work on your self image. And stop telling yourself you only want to date physically attractive women.

 

I'm 5'3" and fluctuate between 239 - 260 pounds. I've dated very handsome men. I've dated morbidly obese men. I've even dated a man who is so the opposite of my type. He has long salt and pepper hair, only wears harley shirts and jeans/jean shorts. I normally date clean cut guys.

 

You can't fake chemistry, so if you go on a date or two with someone and you're not feeling it, then that's one thing. But don't look at women only based on their physical appearance. Bill, the harley/tattoo guy, I would have never considered dating him if it was me doing the picking. But he had great qualities and the more I got to know him, the more I became physically attracted to him.

[radiohead20]

You need to work on your self image. And stop telling yourself you only want to date physically attractive women.

 

You can't fake chemistry, so if you go on a date or two with someone and you're not feeling it, then that's one thing. But don't look at women only based on their physical appearance. Bill, the harley/tattoo guy, I would have never considered dating him if it was me doing the picking. But he had great qualities and the more I got to know him, the more I became physically attracted to him.

 

I've tried to date women I was not physically attracted to and it never worked, and yes I did give it a chance and did give intimacy a chance (in case you were wondering). It is at the point where I would rather not want to waste my time or their time. different strokes for different folks - some people can do it, some people can't. I think maybe it is a lot easier for women to rule out physical attractiveness than men.

[missmarple]

Frankly, it's all in your mind, however difficult you find that to believe.

I'm good-looking, if I may say so myself, and I've dated all sorts of guys, looks-wise..ranging from ugly (really ugly) to very good-looking. It's all about chemistry.

Just because a girl is attractive and you (think) you aren't, doesn't mean that she won't be interested in you. Personality matters a great deal to women. If you take care of yourself, dress nicely, know how to flirt and have a good personality (intelligence, sense of humour, etc), there's no reason why you can't be with a woman you like...you just have to believe in yourself more.

[HappyGal78]

Honestly... confidence is attractive. It sounds like you are lacking in THAT department. So I would work on that if I were you.

[IAmFCA]

Yes, looks matter. I won't sugar coat it. One of my best bf's ever was the most unattractive person I knew. Honestly. I am not exaggerating. But I was attracted to him because of his confidence, his clarity, and the fact that he wasn't vain. He had a full head of hair which he enjoyed about himself. I couldn't have cared less and actually prefer my men hairless, but who cares. It made him happy. On-line dating did not work for him. Meeting people in person did, because they could see his character, his smarts, and his good manners.

 

A man I met online dumped me because I wasn't skinny enough. Whatevs. Now I have a better man, and I am skinnier, and I never was overweight in the first place. That other guy is smoking hot but well below my standards.

 

What other people think is about them, not about you.

 

If you determine that you are not attractive, then you will not be attractive. Take care of yourself, meaning, be clean, presentable, with a warm expression on your face. Find a feature that you like about yourself. Hang your hat on that feature, use that feature as something you feel good about. Someone - more than one - will find you likable exactly as you are.

 

If you are not photogenic and you are personable, use in-person dating techniques. OLD is skewed toward the photogenic.

 

First, you have to see the good in yourself. Then, treat other people like individuals, not classes of people. Forget where they are from, whatever assumptions you have heard. That is crazy and will prevent you from meeting anyone worth an LTR. Just get to know individuals, one by one. Let your social life come to you slowly, one person at a time.

[zentoCC]

Confidence is way more sexy than looks.

 

Yes there are always people who care about looks, but there are a lot of people out there who, as long as you don't crack mirrors, are going to be attracted to you.

 

My bf doesn't think he's attractive but he doesn't care. He thinks I'm way out of his league but he asked me out anyway because he liked me. A lot of people want some who treats them well, that doesn't mean being a push over just being nice.

[Rosti87]

OP. To get a baseline could you give me an example of what you consider attractive? Could you mention a famous person or a link to a photo that would define what you like? I want to eliminate from my mind any bias I might have (I keep wondering if you are attracted to high end women that most men can't get).

 

Or you are seeking women from a different ethnic group from yourself which lowers your odds.

 

Sent from my XT1060 using Tapatalk

[BigKK]

It doesn't matter what the OP looks like...the fact that that the title states what he wrote "Not attractive enough" makes him not attractive enough...that's just the tip of the iceberg for the problem.

 

You need to decipher why you feel that way, and looks are not everything. You can look great and it'll allow you to talk to the opposite sex but if you lack personality and an air of confidence, it won't get you far.

[IAmFCA]

I've tried to date women I was not physically attracted to and it never worked, and yes I did give it a chance and did give intimacy a chance (in case you were wondering). It is at the point where I would rather not want to waste my time or their time. different strokes for different folks - some people can do it, some people can't. I think maybe it is a lot easier for women to rule out physical attractiveness than men.

 

To your point: physical attractiveness is important to you, but might not be important to a woman you are interested in dating. If you do not offer that to your potential gf, then what do you offer? Know what that thing is, and put yourself in situations where that aspect of yourself has an opportunity to shine.

[BritterSweet]

Here's an article I find very relevant:

 

link removed

 

To do a little more than drop a title and run: Yes, there is a physical aspect of attraction. But another, much larger part of it is how enjoyable you are to be around. The most successful charmers are the ones who give the impression that A.) they're cool and B.) they think you're cool too.

[IAmFCA]

Let's consider your options as you summarize them:

 

"-Keep trying until I find a girl that does not place too much emphasis on looks" -- Good plan. To do this, you will have to invest in knowing someone enough to gauge her values.

 

"-Try to meet some foreign women: I have heard they find american men attractive." Huh? So maybe she would date you to gain residency through marriage? This is a bad plan based on flawed thinking. Avoid any approach to dating that assumes anything about anyone. Making those assumptions is what has you believing your options are limited. Look at everyone as an individual with individual opportunities, traits, interests, and tastes.

 

"-Work on myself and just ignore the opposite sex, hopefully I can distract myself to the point where women will not cross my mind too much. Keep in mind this is NOT going to ironically make me more successful with women, this only works for good looking people."

 

I am not sure what you mean, this only works for good looking people? You are judging people based on their looks, just like you feels others judge you.

 

Once, I met a woman, beautiful, who married into a wealthy, very wealthy, family. I commented to someone how lucky she was to find love and such a wealth of comforts all at once. The woman I was talking to said, "Oh no, but I have seen her at the gym and her abdomen is a road map of scars, resulting from one health scare after another."

 

Remember this: looks tell us very little. Some struggles are more visible than others.

 

Everyone has to work on themselves, each of us. Do not ignore women, they are 50% of the world population. they are simply, human. When you see them as a mixed bag of traits such as yourself, you will remind yourself of their humanity. Then you will find something in common. Then you will make a connection. Then you will get a date. Then you will be on your way to having a gf.

[ParisPaulette]

From your post I think this is more of a self-confidence issue or that you are ascribing your physical looks to being a barrier when something else is. I say that because if you really did lift weights and work on your physical appearance then I can't imagine what about you is so unattractive. However if you are only attracted to the type of girls who are model perfect and looking for someone who has money and material objects then I'm sorry, you are correct. You can look like Brad Pitt on his best day and maybe they'll sleep with you, but they will still dump you when the ugly guy in the expensive car with a mcmansion shows up. That is just the way the world is if someone is willing to trade their looks for material possessions. And yes, men do that too, it isn't just women.

 

I think what's happening though has to do with your self-confidence and how you project yourself to others. For that I think maybe some counseling or even hiring a dating consultant might help you more. I'm not bad in the looks department and I've dated and yes, even had relationships with men who were not physically perfect. But those men were off the charts with their sense of humor and self-confidence and they had real accomplishments they could bring the table. One I dated was a chef in training who used to cook for me and show me the things he was learning. He was slightly overweight and looked a lot like Jack Black and I thought (still do) that he was one of the sexiest men I ever met. He was so knowledgeable and smart and funny and we could talk for days and never get bored. Alas he left me for another woman and had a pack of attractive women circling at all times, the jerk. So right there is one example of a guy who "wasn't that physically attractive" and still had plenty of women attracted to him, myself included.

 

You have to bring something to the table and more than just a pretty face or people are going to get bored with you. Make a woman laugh, be interesting, be interested in her, have a few accomplishments or things you are good at that make you a fun person to talk to. You'll attract plenty of women regardless.

 

P.S. The most physically attractive man I ever met was also someone I consider to be flat-out evil and so ugly through and through that I would never let him touch me after the one date we went on. His personality was so disgusting that when he kissed me goodnight I got physically ill, he was that off-putting. I still expect him to show up some day on TV and not in a good way. Slimy and arrogant and creepy all rolled into one. So much for being physically attractive.

[radiohead20]

Great feedback on this thread guys, I honestly did not expect so much.

 

One thing I struggle with, with the answers people give me saying "confidence is key, there is this guy A that was not that good looking but was really confident". The thing is, I See men ALL around me and know some of them who are shyer, more socially awkward than me and are generally less confident that still have women interested in them that I would die just to go on a date with. People have different preferences and even shy people have people interested in them - I have never had that. When I am out I never notice women looking at me, and when I am out with buddies sometimes suddenly I see women looking at me - except they are looking at my buddy.

 

I am already a confident speaker, although I Am an introvert so I am not "loud and boisterous". I am passionate about my career and my hobbies, which I Am both really good at, and love talking about to people. For some reason, girls really do not care? I mean, obviously, I am not confident with women in that I feel as if I am not attractive to them, but I can talk to them fine and can carry conversation very well. The vibe I get from women when I talk to them and get to know them is that I Can make them laugh, they are very comfortable around me, appreciate my ambition, but could not get sexual with me and consider me only a possible friend. I have female friends that have guys hit on them that they are just not physically attracted too but have great confidence and passion - it doesn't really change much for them and I can see it in the girls' body language. It is more of a conveyance of "appreciation" rather than interest.

 

maybe there is something about the choice of words I use when I talk, I am not sure.

 

And to answer someone's question about improving the way you look and still not looking good - I am one of those RARE cases where improving your body, getting a good haircut, and dressing in nice clothes does not really improve my physical appearance. It is really hard to explain - it just doesn't "work" for me.

[itsallgrand]

Are you saying you feel you are lacking sex appeal?

[radiohead20]

Are you saying you feel you are lacking sex appeal?

 

You know I think you may of nailed it - I would say this describes me perfectly - I completely lack sex appeal both in my natural look and maybe sometimes in the way I act, but more in how I look. I am definitely not a "smooth" talker.