HappyGal78

I think about you less and less. And when I do think about you mostly I feel ashamed for dating you for so long. I feel stupid for trying to look past all of our mismatched qualities. And for trying to accept so much of your behavior, when I found most of it unacceptable. But I still wonder if I'll ever meet someone who pursued me as honestly and openly as you did. No games, just honesty. That was refreshing. I vacillate from wanting to talk to you, to wanting to yell at you, to wanting to never think of or see you again. The hardest part is the wanting to talk to you part, because it kicks in the shame I told you about above. Why the eff would I want to talk to someone who was controlling and emotionally abusive? I think mostly because I'm lonely. But I miss the thought of you, and not your actual presence. I hope one day I can forgive myself for dating you for as long as I did.

Today has been a really hard one for some reason. I can't turn my mind off thinking about you. I picture how you could so warmly smile at me. The way it felt to have someone want me so completely. The way it felt to be needed. I keep thinking I might run into you at Target, so I've been avoiding shopping there. I don't know what I would do if I saw you. The thought makes me sad. And ill. Some minutes I'm so secure that dumping you was the exact right thing to do, but when I start to feel the pain of being without you it makes me want to try and reconnect somehow. But I know that you knew, too... we never had a future together. We could have probably kept dating, just having our weekends together, having fun. Until you yell at me. Or until I ask you to do something with my family. And then we would fight again. I owe it to myself to find someone who loves me for me, and is willing to make sacrifices for me. Someone who shares my same basic values, who doesn't live with a defeatist mentality. Someone who is polite and kind to others, who doesn't get off on humiliating people. But still... I wonder if you have already contacted your ex-girlfriend. I never did quite understand how you could date someone for 7 years and split simply because you didn't want to be a part of her dream career. You jump from relationship to relationship. One month after splitting with your ex of 7 years, you were dating another woman. And 5 months later when you dumped her, you were already online looking for love. Then you found me. I don't think you ever really gave yourself the chance to get over your ex. You talked about her all the time. I always felt inferior somehow. And I picture you moving to be with her now, to restart your future together. And I know its not even my business anymore. But I don't want you to forget me that quickly. Because I am still thinking about you. And I wish I could stop, but I can't.