Accepting responsibility in the relationship?

[DaBoop]

What was MY role in the breakup? I'm struggling with how to answer such a question.

 

He said very little to do with me. He left me for a 22 yr old coworker who also happens to be the bosses daughter (he's 38 & I'm 35). He left every door open with me. Said he was glad we were being civil and surprised I was taking it so well. Said there's still hope for us.

 

Am I so people pleasing and need acceptance and love so desperately that he believes he can come back when he's done playing or testing his options? Am I the doormat? I know I have issues with abandonment and I hate my strong sense of commitment to those I love, to a fault. I know that my self esteem and confidence are in tact and had seen my therapist again for several sessions to ensure I hadnt lost myself.

 

When I asked what made him think I'd allow him the opportunity to come back, he said he knew he held a special place in my heart (he unfortunately does) and that special people get special privileges. I said that's sometimes true but thats usually under special circumstances. I reminded him that I have an 8 yr old child that is my responsibility to protect as well and him walking in and out of our lives creates more issues. He relied with not in and out but in one more time.

 

All of this came out in conversation the day after we exchanged our belongings. How can I still love him and want him and think I can trust him?

 

I will also mention that I was with my sons father for 13yrs and had at the beginning of this relationship with my now ex b/f had slept with my ex husband and it happened once and never again and he said he understood as he and his ex wife had slept together periodically for several months after their divorce.

 

Maybe I've just answered all of my own questions. Because I made a mistake and he forgave and moved forward, I, too, believe he deserves that, even though he actually broke up and left me with this big gaping void and big chance of hope? Im not counting on the hope of getting back together though no matter how bad I'm hurting. Im hoping I'm strong enough to resist all of his charm and convincing that he wants me IF he ever did come back around!

[ParisPaulette]

What was MY role in the breakup? I'm struggling with how to answer such a question.

 

From what I can see your responsibility was that you ignored and are kind of continuing to ignore the fact that this guy is very, very full of himself. To the point that he's openly telling you that you're Plan B for when things go wrong with the boss's daughter. If they ever do. I think it's more a matter of you maybe ignored red flags that were probably present all along, because good people do not just up and go after a much younger woman who is their boss's daughter. They just don't. He sounds dreadful and very full of himself right now with a 22-year-old and you both wanting him, I'm sure he thinks he's all that.

 

What you need to do though is rather than focusing on responsibility for the breakup focus on responsibility for you and your daughter's present and future happiness. And yes that means you shut the door for good on an arrogant jerk who wants to keep you as a backup plan. Come on, if he loved you or the other girl he wouldn't be saying the things he was. I'm not sure how you managed to keep your temper when he said those things, because I would've lost my sh** over it. How dare he be that smug. How dare he be that presumptuous of what it is you need and want in your life. How dare he think what he is doing is so acceptable that you'll give him another chance once he's done playing and decides to come home.

 

My advice: go full NC on him. Block and delete him completely, heal and focus on yourself and your daughter, learn to be happy with it just being you two, don't accept anyone in your life who feels like the scraps they throw you are a favor and learn to feel that you deserve more than scraps. It's all or nothing. Go do something nice for yourself, it's Mother's Day and your daughter is the constant who will always be in your life long after arrogant a**hats are gone and but a distant slightly distasteful memory.

 

You deserve better. Tell yourself that a million times a day until the day you look in the mirror and realize you mean it. And let him go. I know it's hard right now, but I can tell from personal experience that if you let him stay in your life even to the tiniest degree he will continue to use you. What he said to you is downright emotional abuse and I can't help, but feel this is a long-established pattern, not just something that came out of the blue. He feels he still has full control of you and he's laughing inside right now secure in the fact that he can put you through such pain and you'll still chase after him. So stop chasing already, gather back your self-respect and stop playing his game. And yes he might come running back once he realizes he's lost control and you'd be really, really wise to realize this is a control issue with him, it's not a relationship. Not even close.

 

I know this is harsh, but you sound like this was an abusive relationship on one or more levels. And you haven't quite gotten yourself out of the cage, so if you need to go get some therapy. Read up on abusive relationships, read up on how to strengthen your own self-esteem. Shut him out and shut him down and get yourself strong enough that when people like this show up you show them the door. Loving someone doesn't mean you put up with their sh** and make yourself a doormat for them. That never buys you love, just getting walked on.

 

The day will come when you look back on this moment and wish you'd dowsed him with water then stormed out. And then you'll reach indifference and just be amused that you were that blinded. And you'll go on and live a happy life, but those days will only come faster if you cut him out of your life like the cancer he is.

[christwowheels]

You don't want to be with this guy. He doesn't love you, he wants to have a backup plan. If he loved you, he would maybe admire the physical appearance of this 22-year-old, but he would come home to you and you only. Guaranteed, if you give him another chance when 22yo gets tired of him or grows out of her daddy issues, he will eventually find another young thing to run off with. The guy is a loser.

 

And don't try to justify his actions by bringing up a mistake with your ex husband. Each mistake needs to be dealt with individually. You admitted you screwed up and apologized and didn't do it again. He broke up with you for someone else and is trying to keep the door open when his young lady friend inevitably tires of the older guy. What a loser.

 

You're only 35, that's still quite young. There are other fish in the sea. More importantly, your daughter is around, and you don't want her to get the idea that this is how women are to be treated, that a guy can just run around on his longtime girlfriend, break up, but be taken back with open arms when he's done screwing someone else. You've got to protect yourself and your daughter from this sorry excuse for a man. Go NC and talk about it in therapy and eventually get back in the dating scene and find somebody better and I guarantee there's somebody better than this clown.

[Man with Dog]

I have to admit that the attentions of a much younger woman can be very flattering but only a weak man or one who doesn't really love you would follow up on it.

 

He's not even your daughter's dad, so you are under no obligation to even think of trying again. You may not believe this right now but you are better off on your own than with this excuse for a man.

 

Courage and good luck.

[DaBoop]

Thank you all very much.

 

Yes, after dating him and just about to move in together after nearly 3 years of knowing him and 2 yrs of serious relationship, I know he's passive aggressive with some narcissistic traits. He treated me MUCH better than my ex husband and did things for my son and I that I never had and he was so much more like a partner. Yes, I see many of his issues and I overlooked him because we all have our baggage. I was being accepting, or so I thought.

 

I havent contacted him at all since Monday when we had all of these conversations. He hasnt tried to contact me either. I come here instead when I feel weak and want to pick up my phone.

 

I know if he wanted to be with me he would. I dont want to fail.

[RedDress]

From what I can see your responsibility was that you ignored and are kind of continuing to ignore the fact that this guy is very, very full of himself. To the point that he's openly telling you that you're Plan B for when things go wrong with the boss's daughter. If they ever do. I think it's more a matter of you maybe ignored red flags that were probably present all along, because good people do not just up and go after a much younger woman who is their boss's daughter. They just don't. He sounds dreadful and very full of himself right now with a 22-year-old and you both wanting him, I'm sure he thinks he's all that.

 

Oh - clap, clap, clap! Awesome post.

 

YES - your role in the breakup was dating this guy in the first place. As someone said recently - "He's not just a tool, he's a whole box of tools. He's a toolbox".

 

Don't over-analyze this. You are well rid of this guy. You just have to work on your man-picker... because this guy clearly has some problems and you should have dumped him long ago.

[DaBoop]

Thank you all! Brutally honest and harsh is what I really need right now. Ive gotta get this through my thick skull!

[Ms Darcy]

If I understand you right, I think because you cheated on him he's got a 'get out of jail free' card with you. Another reason not to cheat. Resentment runs deep.

[DaBoop]

Thank you all! Brutally honest and harsh is what I really need right now. Ive gotta get this through my thick skull!

 

Keep it coming. I need to hear the truth!

[shellyf62]

My Ex had an affair with a 19 yr old co worker. I found out & threw him out. He married her, then she cheated on him.

He wanted to come back, I told him no (but with a few swear words attached).

That was 16 yrs ago. Yesterday my children showed me his Facebook status wishing me a Happy Mothers Day (I have him blocked).

He is supposedly remorseful, but I would never ever trust him again.

He chose to throw his family away, he doesn't get to come back when it all implodes around him.

 

Walk away from this man, you deserve so much better, someone to love you & care for you & never treat you like this.

[Tinkie9901]

Wow, I didn't realise this was such a common thing. My ex cheated with a much younger co-worker as well (she was 21 we were 30). After he left me for her he came back one night to collect his stuff and I asked him whether he wanted to file for divorce or I should do it. The response I got was he didn't think that was necessary as he thought he could "just come back when he was done". The best thing I ever did for myself was to say no, and then go total NC with him apart from the sale of the house and divorce filing.

 

Walk away, don't look back, use this time as a chance to set an example for your son about what people deserve in life from a partner, don't settle for second best.

[DaBoop]

Thank you all for your input. With so much invested already and his false promises, hes showing me where we rank in his life.

 

It hurts that I am willing to sacrifice myself for this man and work on issues so that he doesnt have to do a dang thing! I'm way too accepting and bend over backward to help those I love and care about.

 

I appreciate everyone's honesty and frankness and I need encourement to stand my ground for what I know is right. My son and I both deserve a man who is worthy of our devotion!

 

I need to stay the course! So all encouragement is greatly needed.

 

All of you in the same or similar situations, or with an opinion, please share!

[Ms Darcy]

You didn't answer the question of whether or not you cheated on him in the beginning.

[DaBoop]

I did sleep with my ex husband before in the first month of dating this man more seriously, yes. Which was one of the reasons I've had a difficult time not just walking away. He gave me the benefit of the doubt, but again, neither of us was as invested as now. Not that I was in the right at all. I know I was wrong. He made a decision to move forward and had every right and reason to end it then. And I expected him to. But I've done nor behaved in an unfaithful or untrustworthy manner since then.

[christwowheels]

Just remember that as wrong as it was, you cheated on this guy with your ex husband one time. He is throwing away your relationship to start one with a younger woman and then expecting to come back when that relationship inevitably ends. So what he is doing is worse, and quite frankly shows more of a pattern of behavior than a moment of weakness.

[Ms Darcy]

I did sleep with my ex husband before in the first month of dating this man more seriously, yes. Which was one of the reasons I've had a difficult time not just walking away. He gave me the benefit of the doubt, but again, neither of us was as invested as now. Not that I was in the right at all. I know I was wrong. He made a decision to move forward and had every right and reason to end it then. And I expected him to. But I've done nor behaved in an unfaithful or untrustworthy manner since then.

 

OK ... I suspect that in part due to the early cheating he feels he has a 'get out of jail free' card. It seems like from then on the relationship may have been a one up/one down situation where he had the 'power' because you were always bending over backgrounds. Maybe you did this out of guilt. But he noticed it and it created a dynamic where he didn't/couldn't see you as an equal anymore.

 

Telling someone you know that you can have them as a backup plan -- to their face -- is basically spitting on them and telling them you know they'll wipe it up.

[DaBoop]

Ms Darcy, so then do you think he's justified? As I said, I dont feel what I did in the beginning was right, but neither of us were vested then either. I was prepared for him to walk away then and felt he would've been justified in doing so.

 

If I dont have a level playing field going into this and it is truly unhealthy and unbalanced as all have said, I need to walk, correct? I do love him but I'm not willing to play games or be with a man who has obvious long term commitment issues either.

 

I'm not a backup plan at this point in our relationship and hate to make the wrong choice, but I am a committed individual which is why I had such a difficult time walking away from a 13 year relationship with my sons father.

 

I dont want to be used or taken advantage of. Nor do I want to give my all again to an unworthy man.

[DaBoop]

@christwow What pattern do you refer to?

[Ms Darcy]

Is he justified? For what? For leaving you? Relationships are voluntary and people can leave whenever they want. Does it make his piggish for going off with the 22-year old? Definitely. But the icing on the cake is telling you you are a back up plan.

 

I don't understand why you don't know this is over. He ended the relationship. There is no "this" on any playing field. You don't have to walk. He already did that for you.

 

If you don't want to play games, cut contact with him and resolve that you are done with him forever. Otherwise, if he comes back then you WILL be a backup plan ... until something younger comes along.

[DaBoop]

I meant justified in treating me like a backup plan. And yes, it is over. He did end it, leaving me with all of his words of still having hope for us.

 

I need to move on. It's done.

[ParisPaulette]

Still two wrongs don't make a right, so no just because you slept with your ex-husband at the beginning of the relationship it does not mean he now gets to leave you for someone else. And then have the total gall to say what he did. Take the example of the other lovely ladies on here who went through similar things and said, "I don't think so," when puppy wanted to come home with his (blank) hanging limp between his legs.

 

I know, I know, my temper. And I think what always gets me so mad about situations like yours is that they aren't just hurting you, they're hurting your child or children too. As a former people pleaser who once thought her sole purpose in life was to say how high when a man (or anyone) asked me to jump I can just offer you words of encouragement that once the pain fades self-preservation kicks in followed by increasing self-respect if you actively pursue those things. Now is the time to ask yourself what will make you feel better that is something that is yours and yours alone. Go conquer a fear, learn a new skill, take your kid and fill both your days with happy fun things to do, meet other people, get a makeover, find your personal Mt. Everest and climb it until you feel you can't go on then get in two more feet up that mountain.

 

You'll find yourself standing a little taller each and every day and when he decides to come crawling back your only words will be "I don't think so" and if he doesn't come back to you, you'll find yourself thanking your lucky stars. Read your words here every time you need a reminder and start a list of why he's all wrong for you and another list of all that you have in your life that's good that has nothing to do with him.