My journey to self-love and healing

[t1lersm0m1]

I didn't dream of Rich last night. I definitely feel like I'm in the angry stage now. Hopefully it doesn't last long because I don't like being angry. I just can't understand why he doesn't believe in fighting for what's right, and in fighting for love.

 

He ran at the first sign of trouble. He's a coward. Deep down I know that he's really not the man I thought he knew.

[Cheetarah]

He didn't do anything truly worthy of being called a coward. He chose not to entangle himself in that kind of a situation. It was a 6 month relationship, at that point people are figuring out if the person they're with is the person they want to be with, if it has long-term potential, if it is what they want. He didn't want to deal with having an s/o that had a racist mother. It's okay that he didn't want a part of that. It doesn't make him a coward.

 

It doesn't serve you well to demonize a person undeserving of it. I know it sometimes is a part of break-up recovery(cognitive dissonance and all that), but it's short term gain. When the anger wears off and you have more clarity, you will be grieving yet again as you put things into perspective and their proper slots.

 

Can you accept that his decision bears no reflection on your worth? Can you separate that?

[t1lersm0m1]

 

Can you accept that his decision bears no reflection on your worth? Can you separate that?

 

At this point no, but I'm working on that.

 

There's part of me that can understand this all logically, and it makes sense logically. Then there's my emotions, and they are so far off from my logic. Someone in my ACOA meeting reminded me of that saying about the greatest distance being from the brain and the heart.

 

Logically, he said the night he said he needed to think about everything: "This is gonig to be the rest of our lives, if you want to take me to a family wedding I won't want to go because your Mom will be there. If we have kids, I won't our kids around your Mom. Holidays, family gatherings, I won't want to be there because of your Mom." And in hindsight I get all of that. Another thing he said was she sat on the couch and met him in early April and looked him in the eye as if she liked him, but still after meeting him still hated him based SOLELY on his race.

 

So yes, logically, I understand all of that. This is bigger than both of us.

 

But emotionally, neither he nor I did anything wrong to the other. We both treated one another well, never fought. But like I said here and in other threads, we had no passion in our relationship. I shouldn't want him back. But I do, I want him back.

 

I once was meaningful to Rich. Now I feel meaningless. I know that's my abandonment talking....I feel abandoned. And I'm working on that in ACoA. That's why I'm dedicating this time to ME and MY recovery, not to the recovery from the break up, but the recovery from my past.

 

I'm trying. I know he's not a coward, that's my anger talking.

 

But when he told me that he's not suicidal but thinks he would be better off not being alive, I realize he wouldn't have fought for anyone. That night he said he needed time to think (before the big revelation) I said "I'm willing to fight for you and this relationship, why aren't you willing to fight for me?" He said "If I knew it was going to be a fight I wouldn't have gotten involved with you." But then two nights later when he broke up with me saying he doesn't see how we can be together while I live with my Mom, he said this (parents disapproving of their white daughters dating black men) is more common than I would know. So my response was "Then why do you date white women?"

 

There's just things that don't make sense in all of it.

 

This journal is my way of processing it all. And trust me, I've gotten SOOO much better in the last two years. With Bill and Erik, I called/texted non-stop, even drove to their houses unannounced. That was my abandonment. I'm not excusing it, but it was like I was out of control, I couldn't stop.

 

I don't want to excuse any of my behavior, I want to change it so when I go through a break up I don't feel meaningless. My life shoudln't only have meaning if I have a man in my life.

 

Sorry for the long reply. Writing here is so therapeutic to me. It really helps me process it all and make it through.

 

I love ENA.

[t1lersm0m1]

Tonight is class 5/6 in statistics. Thank goodness. This week's homework took me closer to 8 hours. Last week's was only 6 hours. I really hope this week's homework is easier. The teacher wasn't sure if he is going to give homework the last night of class and have us email it to him. This class is going to be the death of me.

 

Because I worked so many hours last week, my boss told me I could take two days off this week and only use one day of PTO. I have an appointment with my LCSW tomorrow so I'm leaving early, then I have a car appointment Thursday and I'll try to do some school work and house work, then Friday I want to take Tyler to my Dad's grave (1.5 hours away, he was buried in a military cemetery), then to Gettysburg for the day. I'm doing a state/national/city park tour this summer. Trying to hit a park every weekend. Two weekends ago it was a city park, this past weekend was a state park, and Gettysburg is part of the National Park system.

 

I really hope I can scrounge up the money to do my National Park tour out West this summer. It's a lot of driving, but I'm ok with that. I'll just stop and sleep at rest stops on the way until we get to our first stop in Denver. It's going to be a camping trip to save money. Some friends are willing to loan me some supplies so I think I can do it for less than a grand for two weeks. It's my dream trip in the US and I hate to give it up because of this break up.

 

No dreams of Rich again last night. Thank goodness.

 

Once this Statistics class ends I want to devote more time to reading my ACoA big book. I want to read it through once then go back and work the steps. I want to heal from my past. I'm tired of feeling the way I do with my Mom and relationships. I struggle most with my relationship with my Mom and in romantic relationships. I don't want to struggle anymore. I've actually gotten really good at relationships, just still suck at the breaking up part. And as my LCSW pointed out, I'm actually going through two break ups...one with my Mom (moving out) and one with Rich.

 

Oh well, time to head out to get coffee before my class. Class 5/6, go me.

[Seraphim]

I have been to Gettysburg twice.

[Cheetarah]

Honey, it's your journal. If you want to write 8 novels worth, you do that.

 

I really understand you on the abandonment front. It is an issue I struggled with for many years, and realized that it wasn't enough for me to work through break ups - I had to acknowledge and heal that root because everything was bound to repeat itself in a similar fashion. Not sure if you've read it, "The Journey From Abandonment To Healing". I think it is one of the most amazing and resonating books I've ever read.

 

You're a smart lady and quite self-aware. I like reading your journal.

[t1lersm0m1]

I have been to Gettysburg twice.

 

My Dad loved it there, we went every few years. He was my rock. He helped get my mom back in line when she was out of line. Unfortunately, he died in 2011 from kidney cancer. His grave isn't far from Gettysburg, so I thought it'd be a nice way to spend a day off with my son.

 

Honey, it's your journal. If you want to write 8 novels worth, you do that.

 

I really understand you on the abandonment front. It is an issue I struggled with for many years, and realized that it wasn't enough for me to work through break ups - I had to acknowledge and heal that root because everything was bound to repeat itself in a similar fashion. Not sure if you've read it, "The Journey From Abandonment To Healing". I think it is one of the most amazing and resonating books I've ever read.

 

You're a smart lady and quite self-aware. I like reading your journal.

 

I did buy that book a while ago, someone on here (before I found out about ACoA) mentioned abandonment issues, and when I googled them I was like OMG - that's SOOO me. So I will hopefully read the book. I'm just so busy with school right now.

 

I know this is my journey, and that everything happens for a reason. And I'm much more self-aware now than I was 2 years ago. While I wish I started this journey long ago, I'm also grateful I didn't wait until my 40's or 50's to look in the mirror and say "Why am I like this, and how can I change it?"

 

I don't want to use food or sex anymore to deal with emotions. I don't want to feel abandoned in a break up. I want to know in my heart that if a guy breaks up with me, that action doesn't define my worth.

 

I'm glad you guys read my journal. I want to read yours, but the post count is so high it kinda stops me. I hate to jump in and start reading at the end. I love reading about people's journeys and realizing I'm not the only one who has been through this. I'm so grateful I found ENA in September while going through my break up with Erik.

[Seraphim]

You can join anybody's journal /journey at any time. I am sure most people appreciate it.

 

I am sorry to hear about your dad.

 

For me it is my father that is the complete tool.

[Cheetarah]

I know this is my journey, and that everything happens for a reason. And I'm much more self-aware now than I was 2 years ago. While I wish I started this journey long ago, I'm also grateful I didn't wait until my 40's or 50's to look in the mirror and say "Why am I like this, and how can I change it?"

 

Yes! I know exactly what you mean. I think I've been on the journey a long time and I compare it to collecting the puzzle pieces. Trying to fit things together, trial and error. I think I feel like now I've finally got some of the pieces fitting. No one is kidding when they say it is a long, hard road.

 

I also used sex to cope with my emotions in the past. I wanted to say something to you so badly about your booty call when I read it, but I thought well...People have to experience things at their pace. People get so frustrated on the forum when a person appears to be bull headed or just not heading in a healthy direction(myself too, of course), but the truth of the matter is we all do this. We make our own decisions guided by our own thoughts, feelings and rationale. No amount of warnings will change a person who is determined to do ABC or take XYZ route. We have to learn it for ourselves.

 

My journal is pretty boring. If you read my previous one, I think it read like a soap opera...lol. But, things are much, much calmer on my front. So I journal about recipes, cleaning tips and occasionally something emotional.

[t1lersm0m1]

I also used sex to cope with my emotions in the past. I wanted to say something to you so badly about your booty call when I read it, but I thought well...People have to experience things at their pace.

 

Well, there was one guy I was texting with from Craigslist, and I just decided I don't owe him anything, so just stopped responding to his texts. We never hooked up. Another guy, we hooked up twice, and he texted me Friday, and I never replied. If he texts this weekend I will let him know I'm not looking for anything, sex or a relationship, and wish him well. My ex, Bill, was supposed to come this past Friday, then we both changed it to Sunday, then I didn't hear from him until 9 PM Sunday night and he actually gave me attitude when I told him he should have let me know earlier in the day that the plans changed. He actually had the audacity to say "You do know it's father's day right?" I said "Yes, I knew it was Father's Day when we agreed to reschedule for today, I also know it takes 30 seconds to send a text saying 'Hey, my daughter surprised me, can we reshedule?" He said "I get it, I'm sorry" but it's clear through his actions he lost respect for me, which I told him I totally deserved after how I acted two years ago and then again last year (we talked about trying again last year and then Erik came back in the picture).

 

So, I'm no longer going to walk the line of using meaningless sex to try to feel better, because I know it only ends up making me feel shame and grief.

 

Like you said, we have to learn our own lessons (sometimes the hard way!). My son actually said that very thing to me, that he has to make his own mistakes, that I can't protect him or live his life for him, and I told him he's right.

 

I wanted to start reading other journals, but with the high post count didnt' want to jump in at the end, wanted to wait until I had time to read from beginning to end. But I'll probably just jump in this weekend when I have time.

 

 

[jjkk]

So, I'm no longer going to walk the line of using meaningless sex to try to feel better, because I know it only ends up making me feel shame and grief.

 

I hear you on that one! I've also done this and for me it calms my anxiety and I feel great for a little while, then it's just...gross. It's not worth the trade off for me. The few moments of feeling better aren't worth the aftermath of shame, guilt and resentment. I've done the CL thing and it messed with my head about men for awhile. Best wishes!

[t1lersm0m1]

Thanks. I'm sticking to it too because it only ends up hurting me. I really want to dig deep and resolve my issues and become the best me possible sooo when I'm ready to date I won't struggle with the same issues.

 

I'm of the next four days. I have a car appt at 1 and I slept in today. I'm kinda angry with myself for sleeping so much when I'm off, but I think it's my depression. But I need to cut myself some slack cuz I have a lot on my plate right now.

 

I got a good jump on my statistics homework for Tuesday. I keep up on my apartment so not much cleaning to do. I did a load of laundry last night. If I focus on my homework and car today I should be able to chill this weekend.

 

I really enjoy seeing my lcsw. I look forward to our apps. I think I have three free ones left, then she said it's $85 a session are that and she acknowledged my insurance will knock that amount down. If that psychologist ever bills my insurance for our two sessions, at $170 a pop, I should be close to my deductible. Plus once she bills them I can submit a request for reimbursement through my flex spending account.

 

My mom mentioned us renting a cabin somewhere local for a weekend. I don't know how to find my voice with her and tell her I need space. I can't just pretend the past hasn't happened and that I don't still feel anger and resentment towards her.

 

Even yesterday, I took Tyler over to cut the grass and I asked if he still has jeans there. The next thing I know she's throwing POUNDS of clothes on top of me telling me to go through them to see what I want and what will no longer fit him. She didn't literally throw them but I literally had like 20 pounds of jeans on me and she tried putting more clothes on my lap and I said you can't put anymore here! She could have out them on her bed, or better yet told me to go through them. I was just so angry and I'm sure it's not the clothes I'm angry about.

 

I told my counselor that my mom is chicken little. Every time you turn around the sky is falling. She still has a victim mentality. I know because I once had that mentality, just never to the degree she had it. I have a lot going on in my life, I don't have time to put out her fake fires. Monday or Tuesday I was at work and I get this HUGE text about the neighbor putting in Windows. Oh, she thought he ordered three but he only ordered two and she thinks he ordered the wrong size for the bathroom. Now she has to save for the third window and she thinks he knows the bathroom is the wrong size but he's not saying anything.

 

Like my counselor said, she has an inactive life, so that's all she had to focus on.

 

My patience and tolerance for my mom are wearing very thin. I love her, but there are times I feel like I hate her.

[t1lersm0m1]

I went through my break up with Erik in September. In hindsight, I loved him. Our relationship was not healthy, but I still loved him. I honestly don't think I loved Rich. I adored him, but I didn't love him. Because of our lack of intimacy (and I'm not just saying this to ease my pain or act unhurt, because trust me, I'm still hurting) I don't think I ever fell in love with him. I think I loved him as a person. He treated me wonderfully. He has his life in order, he didn't suffer from low self-esteem like Erik did (well, I'm not sure what the whole not thinking you should be alive because you're black thing is) but while we were together he had healthy self-esteem.

 

I never got excited to see him like I did Erik and even Bill. I never got chills when we kissed. I never felt that electricity....we never spent a day in bed together.

 

So I told my counselor yesterday that with Erik and Rich, I should have ended both relationships, but they ended them with me. She said something somewhat eye opening. When I was living with my Mom, I could have been using dating as a way to escape my Mom. And so I settled for men who weren't making me as happy as I deserved to be, because anything was better than always being at my Mom's house.

 

I definitely think more of my issue is my ACoA stuff, but that could have been a possibility.

 

I've said this before, and I'll say it again, I've gotten good at relationships....well, I guess good isn't the word. I've improved. I'm better at dating. But it's the breaking up part I still struggle with. That's the part I want to really work on.

 

This is the first time I haven't started dating to try and heal from the last relationship. I put my profile back up within a week of Erik breaking up with me. Although I was still texting him and trying to get him back, I was going on dates. I went on three or four dates with guys that went no where. Rich and I had been emailing. I decided at that point that I wasn't ready to date, but didn't want to disappear on Rich. So I sent him an email that I was closing my profile because I wasn't over my most recent break up, and I could only offer him friendship. I gave him my number. A few days later he texted me and said he understood and he would be in touch. A few days after that he asked if he could call me. We talked on the phone, and it was nice. He texted me the next day to ask if I wanted to go bowling. We went bowling. He paid for bowling and dinner. Then he asked me out for dinner and drinks the next week. At that time we started talking daily. He called me very night. Second date, he paid, but didn't kiss me. So on our third date, which was at the movies, he said something about being attracted to me. I said "You are?" He was surprised I didn't know he was. I said "Well, I said let's be friends, so we're hanging out, but you're paying for everything, but haven't kissed me, so I wasn't sure what this was." I'm pretty sure he only kissed me on that date because I brought up him not kissing me.

 

But, even though I was honest with him, I still should have been forceful with the just being friends thing. I think we could have been good friends. As angry as I was in our break up, Rich is really an awesome guy. He was so respectful of me. A little less than a month in, he says to me, over a nice dinner "I'm not talking about sex, but you said you wanted to go slow, I was wondering how slow." I said "What do you mean?" He said something about being "together" and I said "Well, I'm not dating anyone else, are you dating anyone else?" And he said No. So he said "So then you're my girlfriend." That's not exactly how he said it. But that was the gist of it.

 

I brought up to my counselor yesterday about our lack of passion. And she said it could just be that we are not compatible in that way. So yes, after she said that, I realize I may be reading too much into what he said about not wanting to be alive. Maybe we just simply were not compatible in the bedroom, which makes us incompatible period. And of course that doesn't mean I'm a or he's a prude...it doesn't make either of us bad. It just simply makes us incompatible.

 

I'm honestly excited about my 40's. My 20's felt like a very dark time to me. I was the person who canceled plans last minute because I didn't want to go out. I was the person who stayed inside when it was gorgeous out, had the blinds closed to keep the world out. I didn't take my son out nearly as much as I should have. I wasn't a bad mother, I just know my depression really affected my 20's. My 30's have been so much better. I think my ex husband asking for a divorce when I was 31 and me moving in with my parents (before my Dad died) probably helped that. We had so many financial struggles because of him. And it's my fault I never left. I don't know how to leave when i'm not happy, and not getting what I deserve. I didn't know how to leave my husband, I didn't know how to leave Erik, Rich, or even my Mom. But hopefully that has all changed now, and I will learn to stand up for what I deserve.

 

I told myself I was going to read my ACA book once, then do the steps. I think that's my way of putting off the work. So I am going to start the 12 steps this coming week. There's a lot of writing involved, and I think this is going to be one of the biggest things I've ever done for myself in my life, so I want to buy nice journals to write in. Wait, I never thought, that maybe I can do them here. I don't know. I can do a private journal here that only I can read, or I can do one that others can read or not post on. My 12 steps are going to be hard. I really want to face all of my demons in the coming months. It's going to be hard. I'm going to take the next day or two to think about whether I should write it out, or type it out on here, and if I should allow an audience or not. I'm just sitting here thinking that I can type a lot more quickly than I can write, so typing in here might be quicker. I don't know, I'm gonna think about it.

 

I also keep procrastinating about joining Overeater's Anonymous. There are many local meetings. But every week I come up with a different excuse. I can almost do the 12 Steps of each program simultaneously...most 12 step programs have very similar steps. Step 1 is always admitting you are powerless and need help. There's always a step about believing in a higher power, whether that be God, or your vision of God (for me, I am spiritual...kinda lost my faith in God a long time ago, but I do believe there is some power out there higher than me, I just haven't decided what I think that higher power is). There's a step about making amends...so on and so forth. I need to stop making excuses and join OA. I don't want to mistreat my body anymore. I gained weight while I dated Erik. Right before we broke up I began losing weight and continued losing through the break up. Then while dating Rich I gained weight. Then I lost some, now I've gained. I pretty much yo you between 239 and 260. I don't like sitting here feeling fat and disgusting and just overall disgusted by myself.

 

So, I am going to begin the 12 steps of ACA while attending Sunday meetings and reading the big red book. I am going to stop using sex to cope. And I am going to join OA. These things will help me with my healing, and becoming the best version of me possible.

[jjkk]

I'm excited to hear how it goes working through the 12 steps! I'm in NA and have worked the steps and honestly I really ought to do them again!

 

Good for you on doing what you need to be the best YOU possible. Hugs!

[Cheetarah]

Avoiding dating when you know you use it to heal is the best thing, seriously. It's awful, initially. Very lonely and empty feeling. It just forces you to realize how much you avoid yourself/your feelings and how much you depend on being coupled up to cope with said feelings. But after awhile, you start to wonder why you avoided yourself when you learn said self isn't too bad. It's definitely a time for self-discovery. And it just changes everything.

[t1lersm0m1]

I'm excited to hear how it goes working through the 12 steps! I'm in NA and have worked the steps and honestly I really ought to do them again!

 

Good for you on doing what you need to be the best YOU possible. Hugs!

 

I have no doubt it's going to be hard. There was a section talking about grief work, and that actually scares me, LOL.

 

Avoiding dating when you know you use it to heal is the best thing, seriously. It's awful, initially. Very lonely and empty feeling. It just forces you to realize how much you avoid yourself/your feelings and how much you depend on being coupled up to cope with said feelings. But after awhile, you start to wonder why you avoided yourself when you learn said self isn't too bad. It's definitely a time for self-discovery. And it just changes everything.

 

Yes, it's not fair to me, or to any man I date, to use him to deal with the loss of the last relationship. Doing this scares me, but I might change my timeframe from 90 days to a year. I'm going to see how the 90 days are and reassess.

[t1lersm0m1]

Teenager-dom......fun times. So Tyler says to me this AM "What all do you have planned for us in Gettysburg?" Me - "IDK, why, do you want to go?" Him - "Well, you kinda sprung this on us last minute."

 

Ok, I asked them if they wanted to go on a picnic earlier this week...my friend asked me a question about Gettysburg and that gave me the idea. So I kept it a surprise until last night. Well, they didn't want to go.

 

It actually works out OK, cause I slept in later than I thought. I woke around 7:30, got showered, took care of some stuff. We went and got Val (Ty's gf), and came back here to eat breakfast. We were on the road around 9:30/10:00. I said WHEN we go to Gettysburg this summer ( WE ARE GOING ) that Val will spend the night, the night before, and we will get on the road super early. Maybe I'll even Priceline a hotel for a night to give us two full days there.

 

I wish I had boatloads of gas money to go somewhere very weekend. So far I've just been doing state or city parks within a 45 minute drive. Today the cemetery my Dad is buried and state park were 1.5 hours away. I want to go further though..I want to see so much. I can keep the costs down by packing food like I did today, but I used 3/4 of a tank of gas today....that's a lot considering I just moved out on my own and am trying to figure out this budget thing. OY VEY.

 

I'll figure it out. And if we have to do local stuff 1/2 or 3/4 of the time, then so be it. I just don't want to stay inside all summer like I have a habit of doing with my depression. I want to get out and see nature, the great outdoors.

 

I would TRULY LOVE to lose weight so I can take the pressure off of my knees, and get into hiking and backpacking. Doing multi day trips...even canoeing trips. Stuff like that. I used to get Backpacker magazine....and look at multi day trips in there. That would be my DREAM.

[Seraphim]

I always wonder what a typically developing teen would be like. If it would be more difficult to relate to a typically developing teen. My son has Asperbergs. So I am very used to an atypical child.

 

I love to travel too.

[t1lersm0m1]

So, I've never done step work before. I googled how long it should take to do the steps. Part of me wants to be an overachiever and get them done as quickly as possible, so I can lie to myself about being healed and being ready. But I know I can't rush it. One person online said it took them 20+ years to be ready for Step 1, to admit they had a problem and were powerless. And I guess for me, this was years coming. I wasn't insecure in my marriage....but I didn't leave an unhappy marriage. And after my marriage, when I tried dating, my insecurities came out. So I guess it's taken me years to get to Step 1.

 

One guy, and I'm going to go with what he said, said you should spend a week on each step. Now, the difficult steps, like writing down the things in my life I've done, telling someone else what I've done, and then trying to make amends, I don't think they can be limited to a week. But, beginning Monday, I am going to begin writing about each step for a week. I think I will do it within the confines of this journal, at least that's what I'm going with for now.

 

I want to find me, the REAL me, not the me that is scared and insecure and feels abandoned when a man leaves me. Not the me who lets her mother spit in her face and physically attack her and call her a N lover and a xxxxx who opens her legs to men and chooses men before her son. No one, not even my own mother, should be allowed to treat me that way. I will no longer be afraid to leave people who don't give me what I deserve. I am going to do this, and I am going to be so much stronger. And the work will have to continue for the rest of my life.

[t1lersm0m1]

I realized yesterday, I don't give myself credit that I deserve. My relationship with Bill was only two months, and I was so distraught after the break up. I couldn't sleep through the night....I was obsessed with thoughts of him. It was a two month relationship and I felt like it was 20 years, the way I acted in the break up. I acted despicably....

 

Then with Erik, I somewhat did the same thing. Not as extreme as with Bill, but I had a hard time going no contact. I showed up at his house twice the weekend he broke up with me unannounced.....I called and left him messages crying.

 

I haven't done any of that with Rich. Yes, when we were still being "friends" i had a hard time. He wanted time to think and after a week of no contact I would start feeling anxious and reach out to him because I thought we should be back together. But now, we broke up for good over three weeks ago, and I've had no contact.

 

My Mom is really annoying me. I don't want to be angry anymore, I don't want to feel like this. But she keeps giving me reason to be angry.

 

She texted me yesterday asking if I wanted to come over for dinner. I said no, I was tired and just going to eat leftovers. She had asked me to pick up a card for her for a graduation party today. When I declined her dinner invite she said never mind, I'll get my own card.

 

Today I asked if she wanted me to pick her up for the grad party. She gave me her "We'll see" answer. That's an answer she gives when she's annoyed. So I said never mind. Then she told me to grow up. She has no idea how much she has hurt me in all of this, and I need to grow up. She got mad because I declined a dinner invitation, and told me to forget getting her a grad card, but I need to grow up.

 

I think I need to tell her I need time...time to not have contact with her. I can't change the past and the way I was raised, but I have a hard time dealing with the person she is today, with all that she's done, even what she's done recently. I need time. I need to ask for that time. I have every right to tell her I need time. But I feel guilty doing that. I am codependant, and I've enabled her to mistreat me. I need to tell her I need time to be left alone.

[t1lersm0m1]

Sooooo....

 

ACoA meeting is Sunday morning. Last week, one girl was supposed to take the key and open this morning, and "chair the meeting." However, we were still hanging out chatting and she needed to leave, so another woman took the key. So someone got a text from the woman with the key, saying the woman without the key has the key and is going to open. Neither woman showed up to the meeting. It was a misunderstanding....so there were three of us at the meeting. We went to a breakfast place for the meeting. It was a nice intimate meeting. I enjoyed it. This was my 4th meeting, and the one guy has been at all 4, but won't be there next week. The other woman there today hadn't been to any of the past 4 meetings. She was a wonderful woman. She's in her early 60's. She paid for breakfast.

 

After the meeting, I went to a city park, McDade Park in Scranton, and did some easy hiking and played with my camera. I love taking pictures.

 

In previous years, I made goals of going to different parks, and never went to any, or only went to ones I had already been to. So far this year, I've been to Nay Aug Park, Promised Land State Park, Memorial Lake State Park, and McDade Park. That's only been the last 3 weeks. I figured since I wake up early to go to the ACoA meetings, I might as well go to a park afterward.

 

I'm sweaty and gross. I'm going to get a shower to feel clean...then I plan on starting Step 1. I know I said I would start tomorrow. But doing 8 days of Step 1 won't hurt. I'm not sure how interesting or boring Step 1 will be. I just plan on typing and typing each day for a week. Seeing what comes out. Just type and type and type......

[t1lersm0m1]

I am the Adult Child of an Alcoholic. I sometimes use the acronym ACoA, some people use the acronym ACA...I may even use the acronym AC (Adult Child) to shorten it.

 

My mother was an alcoholic. Even if she wasn't, our home probably would have been dysfunctional because she is mentally ill. Although I suffered sexual abuse and rape in my past, I've come to realize, in the last year or two, that my mother's alcoholism, and the way I was raised, has left the biggest impact on who I am. It has affected me in many ways. Some are good, but most are bad. Now that I recognize this, and I've found ACoA, I feel like I can turn this bad thing in my life to a good thing. Although I've struggled, I know I am very compassionate, and very grateful. I probably look at the world a lot differently than people who grew up in a healthy household did/do.

 

I am an Adult Child.....I am powerless over the affects that growing up with alcoholism has had in my life. I have joined ACoA because I need help. I no longer wish to live the life I've been living. I think there is a better way. I want to work on my issues and heal, so I can become an even better person. A person who doesn't feel abandoned when a man breaks up with me. A person who can leave an unhealthy or unhappy relationship. A person who feels whole without being in a relationship. A person who would feel whole if God-forbid something were to happen to her son. My life is unmanageable. I'm starting Step 1 today.

 

I am an Adult Child. When times get hard, I react like a child rather than an adult. I feel unloved, unwanted. I'm a people pleaser. I am always looking to gain approval. I don't know my identity outside of being an AC. When I get scared, I become a child. I do things that are tant amount to temper tantrums. I no longer want to react this way.

 

Adult Children are reactors. I don't want to react, I want to act. I don't want to wait for life to happen to me, I want to make life happen. I want to re-write the story of my life. I want to change the ending from one of sadness and pain, to one of happiness and joy. I don't think ANYONE has a perfect life, and so I don't seek perfection. I just seek a life filled with more good times than bad.

 

I hit my rock bottom, or one of them, two years ago. I pushed the first good guy I dated after my ex-husband away. Then I did everything a self-respecting person would not do...I begged, pleaded, called, texted, showed up unannounced. I demoralized myself. I'm ashamed of what happened, but I know that period of my life was necessary because without hitting that rock bottom, I wouldn't be on the journey I"m on now.

 

Although I've grown a lot since then emotionally, I didn't know about ACoA yet. I thought I fixed myself. But I still have work to do. What I did with Bill, and with Erik, and even with Rich, was my abandonment in action. At the time, i couldn't control it. I felt so out of control. You would think to just simply not contact a person would be an easy feat.....no, not for someone with abandonment issues.

 

I think things in a person's life have to happen when that person is ready. I don't think you can "force" things to happen, or force yourself to be ready. I hit a rock bottom two years ago, and I think by allowing my mother to physically, emotionally abuse me, I hit another rock bottom. In December, she spit in my face. Called me an N lover, called me a Whr.....told me I choose men over my son. SPIT in my face three times. THREE times. I've NEVER spit in anyone's face. Then, afterward, she SEEMED so remorseful...so sorry. She apologized, she cried, she really seemed like she wanted to try.

 

Then she threw me out again in April. Although she threw me out, it wasn't a huge fight like in December. There wasn't a physical altercation, she didn't spit in my face. But, she threw me out because I was dating a black man. She said "Rich is the first guy I haven't approved of that you dated. Stop acting like a child." The whole fight occurred because we had a family wedding in May and she didn't know how our family would react when I walked in with a black man. All she cares about is keeping the dirty family secrets. As long as she looks good, that's all that matters. Me bringing a black man to a wedding would make her look bad.

 

I think I dated Rich knowing it would cause trouble with my mother. I don't mean that I used him...I cared for him very deeply. We had a great connection, minus the intimacy. I enjoyed our time together. But, I even posted on ENA about my Mom not approving of me dating black men and whether or not I should go forward with dating him.

 

Oh....this is my life. I have to live it. I have to make mistakes, and learn from them.

 

I am an Adult Child. I am struggling, but I feel like I've finally found my sanity. A way to be sane, or become sane. A way, a guide, to work on me. This is Step 1, admitting what I am, what makes me tick, admitting I can't manage my life the way it is, and that I need help. I need the help of ENA, my counselor, my friends in ACoA...mostly I need my own personal strength. People can help, but no one can do the difficult work for me. Only I can do it. Only I can keep me accountable for my life, and the decisions I make here on out.

 

This is Step 1 of my journey.

 

"I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes."

[t1lersm0m1]

I am powerless over food....my life is unmanageable. I eat to stuff down my emotions. I eat so I don't have to feel pain. At breakfast, I ate all of my food. I was the first one to finish. The woman with us ate less than half of hers. In addition to finishing mine, I could have easily eaten hers. I went on a hike to a city park today. There were Middlesworth potato chips in my car from Friday. I ate some. I also ate a sandwich I had packed. I came home and finished a different bag of Middlesworth chips. I can sit and eat chips for 20-30 minutes, and consume a 6 ounce bag easily.

 

I eat to prevent having to deal with my emotions. After I eat large amounts of junk food I feel terrible and ashamed. There are times I binge eat. One Monday, I planned to go to an OA meeting, instead I ate a huge amount of food. I ate chips, then I ate an unhealthy dinner, then I had ice cream.

 

I am powerless over my emotional eating. I eat to stuff my emotions. I eat to not feel. I eat to keep this protective layer of fat on my body. If I eat and stay fat, no one will want to rape or sexually abuse me. Also, it limits the number of men that will want to date me. But my body hates me. My knees kill me. I can barely walk on my left foot after a day of walking. There are all sorts of health problems that come along with morbid obesity. I'm sure as time goes on, my health will get worse and worse.

 

My stomach feels disgusting. My waist is probably a huge number. I love that song Baby Got Back, when they say 36 24 36 (or whatever the number)....I would LOVE to have a 24 inch waist.

 

I am powerless. This compulsion controls me, I don't/can't control it. I am powerless. I want to go to OA tomorrow. I am going to try to go to 2 meetings a week. I am powerless. I need help. I can't do it by myself. I tell myself I know how to lose weight, it's as easy as calories in versus calories out. It's willpower, right? No, for me, it's not. Because I am powerless. I need help. I need to admit that I am powerless and can't do it alone.

 

I want to get to a healthy weight, and stop this war with food...this war with myself. Stop the shame of being morbidly obese..the shame of stuffing my emotions.

[t1lersm0m1]

In middle school, I met this girl Jess. She had just moved accross the street from me and pursued a friendship with me. She's a very bubbly person, and EVERYONE that meets her loves her. We became fast friends. She also had another friend Carolyn, and I would get SOOO jealous when they would hang out. It's like I was possessive of her. I even hated Carolyn for a little while in high school. In recent years, all of us have been hanging out once or twice a year, and I apologized to Carolyn for how I acted. I admitted it was jealousy over Jess.

 

I feel like my ACA stuff has affected SOOO much in my life. I felt powerless because I was powerless. I always knew I was different. I suffered from depression. I wanted to sleep the days away and lock the world out.

 

I was this sad, unhappy, depressed girl, and turned into this sad, unhappy, depressed woman. I'm so glad I found ACA. I feel like I can finally tame the insanity that is my life. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

 

I'm really sad and disappointed that there aren't more ACoA meetings in my area. The program has been around for years, but I feel like it's not as well known as AA or NA or any of them. I never heard of ACoA before this year. I wish I had. I wish I knew there was something that identified my issues like ACoA does, and told me how to deal with them. But, I've said before, it's better late than never. I'm so glad I'm on this journey now. Some people never look at themsevles in the mirror and say how can I change the way I live my life. I think coming to ENA in September (I lurked for a month before I posted) was a huge step....just looking at myself and saying "This isn't normal, I want to change" was a huge step. Someone back then named one of my demons...abandonment. And I feel once a demon is named, it can be dealt with. Like Rumpelstiltzkin (sp?) LOL.

 

Then a few months ago someone told me about ACoA, and once again, I feel like now that my demon has a name, I can deal with it. I won't be fixed over night, this is going to take time, and once I work on my issues, I think I will have to be diligent my whole life in order not to slip back into old ways....

 

I bought the book The Journey from Abandonment to Healing back in the fall when someone said the phrase abandonment issues. I started reading it, but never finished. I think once I stop being so inundated with school, I will start reading it. I want to focus on my 12 steps right now.

 

I feel so far behind in my career. I'm not beating myself up, just stating a fact. I'm in the lowest level of management in my company. I don't have a bachelor's degree yet, only an associates. After the three classe I'm in now, I will have 87/120 credits towards my bachelors. I have a class after the three I am in now, Human Resources, then I have four in the fall, four in the spring, and then two next summer. Then I will GRADUATE.

 

While I don't want to be like anyone else, I do wish that people loved me the way they do my friend Jess, and my brother. They are both extremely charasmatic people, everyone that meets them loves them. I've definitely changed my attitude, I'm a much more positive person than I used to be. I used to focus on the negative.....I was still a victim at that point. ALways waiting for something bad to happen, because bad things have happened in the past.

 

One thing I have to realize that will make me a much happier person, is that I can't change other people. I cant' make them have their "Come to Jesus moment". They have to have it in their own time. I feel like I've improved my life so much, and if others do what I did they can improve their lives as well. But I can't do the work for them. They have to WANT to change, and then do the hard work to change. It's hard work, but it's SOOO worth it. I feel like a completely different person from the person I was in 2012. I 've grown so much in the last two years.

 

I look forward to growing more. I have to realize this is my journey, and I couldn't start it before I was ready. Im ready now. I'm ready to do the hard work. I'm ready to become the best person possible. And part of me feels like the things that I have been through in my life have made me hugely compassionate, and hugely self aware.

[t1lersm0m1]

I am SOOOO annoyed with the psychologist I was seeing...I posted this in a differnt thread, but want to repost here:

 

Soooo, my psychologist, who I am no longer seeing, just left me ANOTHER voicemail at work:

 

"Hi L, it's D, um, I'm calling, I understand, I imagine that you do not want to schedule anymore sessions, and that's fine. But I do need to discuss with you our payment arrangements and yoru deductible. I had attempted to set up something with you that would work for the long term, where you said you were OK to pay $50 a session until you met your deductible. So I had gotten your EOB (explanation of benefits), I know exactly how much your insurance comapny is going to pay so if we could talk about that, that woudl be great. If you could give me a call xxx-xxx-xxxx, that would be great.

 

I hope all is well."

 

Um, so she said I would pay $50 a session, and she would bill me for the rest.

 

She billed the insurance $170 for the first session. They knocked the amount down to $132.30, and paid her $2.10 which was the remaining amount in my Health Savings Account. I paid $170 for that session.

 

She billed $160 for the second session, and they knocked it down to $124.20, I paid $50 for that session. So I owe her a WHOPPING $34.40. And she thinks calling me and leaving me a voicemail is the way to collect that?

 

I pay my bills. That's why I'm not gonig to her, because going to her will prevent me from being able to pay my bills.

 

I know I"m beating a dead horse, but seriously, I can't believe she is calling me over $34.40. It's not like she mailed me a bill and I ignored it. She hasn't billed me yet.

 

This lady just really puts me off. I've never had an office call me about money I owe. Since separating from my ex husband in 2009 I pay my bills. I could see if I owed her $200, but it's $34.40, and I would gladly pay it if she had mailed me a bill.