My journey to self-love and healing

[t1lersm0m1]

I believe that my higher power can restore me to sanity. I connect to my higher power through nature. Every Sunday I go out and explore places within an hour radius of my home. I experience nature...I walk paths, I sit by the water, I enjoy watching birds fly around and play.

 

I've really fallen off of my journaling this week, so I plan to continue with Step 2.

 

Right now I struggle with my Higher Power, begging it to give me the strength to forgive me ex husband. That man did so much, and is still doing so much. But I have to learn that I can't change him. I can't force him to change. He has to want to change.

 

Someone in my ACoA meeting said today that she was speaking to someone, and that it only takes one good parent to raise a kid right. Thank God for that. My son has me. I've been a good mother to him. There are things in the past I wish I could go back and change, but I realized I can't change the past. I can only do my best as a mom now, and know that that's enough.

 

There are so many children out there that have no good parent. Both parents are useless, or on drugs, or alcoholics, or any number of things. And my heart breaks for those kids. Only through their own personal strength do they have a shot at a normal, happy life. So with my son, I'm grateful he at least has me.

 

I have to journal more this week. I just spent all day out, and I'm tired. I did some Amazon (book buyback) stuff, so thought I'd pop on my journal and post quickly. I'll devote more time this week to journaling.

[t1lersm0m1]

I'm really struggling with being single today. I really want to reach out to Rich. I'm fooling myself into thinking I'm ok being friends with him, but I know that's a load of poop. I want to reach out to tell him I'm ready for friendship so hopefully he'll eventually want to pursue more.

 

I wasn't happy. Why the heck am I thinking of him and wanting to reach out and wanting him to pusue me again?

 

I think it's the reality that I plan to take a year off of dating. I think I've used dating and relationships to distract me from doing what I need to do. I think I use food to distract me from what I need to do.

 

I have this absolute BURNING desire to text Rich. I've been no contact almost 6 weeks (I think.....I don't even remember. It was 35 days last Wednesday, so it'll be 42 this Wednesday, which yes should be 6 weeks).

 

He broke up with me April 15 (tax day, LOL)...saying we can't be together because of me living with my Mom. I wish I went no contact then. I'd be further in my healing. But no, we kept in touch, I think both of us were planning on getting back together if/when I moved. But the break up was making me anxious. And he thought about other things he didn't understand while we were together. Like the fact my Mom threw me out in December, I said I was gonna move out then, but instead I went back to her house, patched things up and bought a timeshare.

 

I tried telling him he can't understand what my childhood did to me. But in all honesty, it's not his job to understand. It's my job to fix me, and when I've worked on me and grown, to then consider pursuing a relationship. But only once I've gotten healthy.

 

I know I need to be as healthy as possible emotionally, otherwise all of my relationships will have an expiration date. And the sooner I do it,the better.

 

I'm feeling super super lonely. Random/meaningless sex only makes me feel bad afterward. I'm not a serial dater. I only date with the intention of it leading somewhere.

 

I hate feeling this way. UGH

[silversoul]

Just thought I would support you. You are a strong person and you possess a great deal of self-awareness. Your desire to change is admirable. I think you are doing a great job. You just need to remember that change takes time.

 

I had a troubled childhood too, my mother was physically and emotionally abusive to me. I was also her scapegoat in the family. My father cheated on my mother and had an affair and basically was emotionally absent. I grew up to be a girl with low self-esteem and perfectionist. And even though from the outside I appeared as a healthy individual, I never was happy. I'm realizing how much influence my parents' upbringing had on all aspects of my life. And on my personality. I get scared if I can ever get rid of this perfectionist, anxious, people-pleasing side of me. All this time I didn't know what was wrong with me. I went through period of depression and didn't know what was wrong with me. My coping technique was food. I feel sad when I remember how I would just eat instead of going out and being a happy girl I could be. I thought I was just a lazy fat sad weird person.

 

When my first bf cheated and left me, I went to counselling and read a ton of articles, I realised my mother's and father's role in my unhappiness. I understood that nothing is wrong with me. I just had some awful experiences which my parents put me through and I'm not responsible for them. This year I'm learning to love myself, I'm learning who I'm and what my values are. I've changed a lot and I'm on my to become the real me. I'm still afraid of my real dreams and doubt myself. But I guess the more I do things, the more comfortable I will get with accepting myself and my true desires. I'm staying single as well until I'm fully in a place where I know myself and what I want from my partner.

[IAmFCA]

"I think it's the reality that I plan to take a year off of dating. I think I've used dating and relationships to distract me from doing what I need to do. I think I use food to distract me from what I need to do."

 

THIS. Strong, courageous.

 

You may never whom you inspire as you grow. Know that you will inspire others. I am one. I am learning from you.

[t1lersm0m1]

Thanks! I can identify with so much of what you say. The perfectionist peope pleaser. I have/had such a hard time saying no to people. I'm really learning through ACA that I am responsible for me and my happiness. That although my mom really did a number on me, I can now change my destiny, my happiness.

 

I love my ACA meetings, and just finding that has given me so much purpose and direction. Thanks for giving me support.

 

 

 

Thank you so much. I'm trying, I don't know if how hard I'm trying translates through my journal, but I'm trying SO DARN HARD.

 

I hit a bit of a rough patch two weeks ago, just an off couple of days. Then the struggle with wanting to call Rich. It was just off times for me. And then I fell of with journaling. I started writing in my solo journal, I just wasn't up to writing and having feedback at that time.

 

I don't think I'm emotionally ready for the step work. I'm working on me, but I think getting to Step 4 - admitting my shortcomings or whatever the step is, and then Step 5, sharing that with someone else. I'm just not ready.

 

I think I've learned to forgive my Mom for what happened in my childhood. The part I struggle with now is that I am growing so much emotionally, that her lack of growth is really off-pace. She is in therapy, but she has such a long way to go, and when she does something today to hurt me, I have a very low tolerance for it. Like she had surgery. I was at the hospital all day Monday, then brought her dinner Tuesday. It was time to leave and she said something about a hug or a kiss. Well I really didn't feel like it, so didn't. And that's my perogative. But she then had the nerve to text me and ask me why I didn't hug and kiss her. I basically guilt tripped her by saying "Has Jay called you or texted you?" (He's my brother who lives in California). She said no, and that she's very grateful for me. I thought to myself well then act it!

 

She spit in my face, called me horrible names in December and threw me out, also tried physically attacking me. She then was a big part of my break up with Rich, and afterward had the audacity to say it was my fault we broke up because I "involved him in our business." Alcoholism and dysfunction is this big secret. No one says it is a secret, its just kind of understood.

 

And she has the nerve to text me because I didn't hug or kiss her? She's lucky I'm even in her life after all she's done.

 

I've forgiven the past and my childhood, it's the current dysfunction I struggle with.

 

I'm a work in progress.

[jjkk]

Do you work w/ a sponsor in ACA? I'm not familiar w/ it but I'm familiar w/ NA. It's very common for people to get scared and stop doing step work when they get to step 4. I will tell you that I was on a terrific natural high after I finished writing out my step 4. It did something for me, just getting all the garbage out was freeing. I've heard this from others as well. It was a turning point for them in their recovery.

 

Obviously only you can decide if and when you start step 4, I'm just giving my 2 cents. If you work w/ a sponsor, talk to them about whether or not you ought to hold off on step 4.

 

We're all a work in progress. Hugs to you and here's to brighter days ahead!

[t1lersm0m1]

I love my ACA meeting, but the one woman, who I thought ran the meeting, and I was pretty sure would have done everything, hasn't done the steps. Now she's also in AA, so possibly did the steps in AA, so I'm not sure if the steps are interchangeable. I'm not sure if you do the steps in AA, then join ACA, do you redo the steps? I have no clue.

 

There's another woman who is in ACA and also AA. It seems a lot of us adult children grew up to be alcoholics ourselves. She is a sponsor to someone in AA, so I guess she would be an option. There are also people that only pop in here or there to meetings. Theres one other woman who I feel is floundering too much to be a sponsor. I know the book suggests your sponsor be same sex so the lines don't get blurred, and I feel that is probably best.

 

I actually read almost the entire ACA book (I skipped the one appendix because it was about how to hear a persons 5th step, which I'm obviously not ready to do seeing as I've not done the steps yet, and I skipped another appendix that I feel I didn't need yet, but can't recall what it was). I"m the only one in the meeting that read the book. One woman was going 9 months, another one 2 years (the two I woudl think would be options for sponsors) and they haven't read the book yet.

 

I mentioned during my share last week that the meeting means a lot to me, and I wish there were more local meetings because I would def go a few times a week, and the woman who I thought ran the meeting mentioned afterward that she is willing to host step meetings at her house. So hopefully that comes through.

 

I love my LSCW, but I was kinda disappointed at my last appointment. I mentioned the fact that I need to go to OA, and she said now that I live on my own I can do weight loss on my own since I control the food that comes into the house. I also mentioned wanting to start an ACA meeting in WIlkes Barre and she shot me down, saying I need to focus on school.

 

Maybe she's right, when I get gung ho, I go forward full steam ahead, and I'm sure she just has my best interests at heart. I just felt defeated, like I was hoping she would push me to go to OA (I need to push myself, but was hoping for a push from her as well), and I really wanted to consider starting an ACA meeting. She shot down both things, wasn't very supportive...but again, I think she is just looking out for me. In the end the decision is mine, and I am the only one that can push myself to do what needs to be done.

[t1lersm0m1]

I went to see The Fault in our Stars today. What a great movie. I try to put my life into perspective, but I don't think I've done a GOOD ENOUGH job of that.

 

I have so much to be happy and grateful for. And I am squandering it. I'm so unhappy with my weight and what it limits me from doing. I've been binging very badly the past two months. After seeing the Fault in our Stars, I realized this....there are people who's life is cut tragically short and would give anything for a few more, or several more years. My dad was one of them. While not extremely young (compared to a child or teen), 59 was still young. People are dying before their time through no fault of their own, and I'm here squandering my happiness. I"m not living the fullest life I can.

 

After that my girlfriend and I went to lunch. I had a grilled chicken sandwich and substituted broccoli for the fries. I wasn't really hungry for dinner by Tyler was cooking himself some hot dogs, so I had one, and then a Greek yogurt, and a beer. Compared to what I would normally eat, that was a huge improvement.

 

I want to go on fun and exciting adventures. I don't want sleeping in, or sitting on the couch all day watching TV, to be a treat, and a huge accomplishment. I want couch days to be when it rains, and even then, I should read instead of watching hours of TV.

 

I WANT to change my life! My weight limits me from living the life I want. I want to hike, and rock climb, and climb a mountain, and sky dive, and run a 5K, and so many other things. My weight holds me back.

 

I'm ready!

[t1lersm0m1]

Well, I made an attempt to go to an OA meeting yesterday, but I couldn't find it. I had the info in my phone, and even pulled over at a gas station to try to GPS it.

 

Well, an attempt is at least a start.

[t1lersm0m1]

My ex husband infuriates me so much.

 

When I went through the break up with Rich it seemed like he and I actually started to communicate better. He said he would start paying me child support in June (he hasn't), and that he would get our son's bedroom furniture to me (he hasn't). I let him keep the furniture with the understanding that as soon as I had a place I'd get it back (I paid over $2000 for it, it's a nice bunkbed set from Raymour and Flanigan).

 

Sooo, as I tried to nail down a date to get the furniture and when he would start paying child support, he started ignoring me. About three weeks ago I tricked him into talking to me by calling him from our son's phone (childish I know, but when I'm dealing with a child I don't know what else to do). This Saturday is the date we agreed upon to get the furniture. I told him he could come get Tyler and me and give me $50 towards the Uhaul since he couln't afford to get it to me and he agreed he would do that.

 

Why is it that when men remarry and have new families, they lose all responsibility to their original family? Not to me, but to our son...I could care less about me.

 

This seriously brings out the adult child in me big time. I want to start calling him and texting him relentlessly to get my way. My anger won't change him. He's 40 and the biggest jerk on the planet, but I for some reason expect him to change and magically become responsible.

 

I JUST WANT TO FREAKING SCREAM!

[t1lersm0m1]

I have all of the paperwork filled out. I'm going tomorrow on lunch to file for child support.

[Cheetarah]

Good for you. You guys never had a formal agreement in the divorce?

[t1lersm0m1]

We had a verbal agreement. We did the cheap divorce route, forget what it's called. No Fault (online). We agreed he would pay $400/month. When I first moved out (April 2009) he didn't pay, he couldn't afford it, then when his now wife moved in September 2009 he began paying. He would occassionally fall a month or two behind, but would get caught up. It's now been at least six months since I've gotten support. When I was living with my Mom it wasn't a big deal.

 

My boss submitted me for a promotion...between that and getting two bills paid off soon I'll be in a much better financial position. But he still needs to support his son, emotionally (which he doesn't) and financially (which he doesn't).

 

Dead beat dads suck.

[Cheetarah]

I know all about that. Yeah, they do. My ex made one voluntary payment, the first time it was ordered and after that was just his taxes being taken.

 

Child support services are super pokey. But they keep finding him, and that's more than I can do so I just let it be enforced by them. Does he see your son?

[t1lersm0m1]

Yes, he sees him. They originally lived 20 minutes away (his now wife moved her kids up here to be with him). At that time it was every other weekend faithfully. However, last August they moved to where they are both from (two hours away). Ever since they moved they keep canceling, not regularly, but enough. They tried to get me to start meeting half way. I might have done it if they were paying support, but they weren't and I thought why should I pay financially (with gas, tolls, wear and tear on my car) for their decision to move two hours away?

 

In the beginning of summer my ex tried telling our son he was going to make him move down there for summer and work, and that I would support that decision (he never discussed this with me, just told our son I would support him).

 

Then when Tyler tried talking to him about their lack of one on one bonding, my ex changed his tune to "I know you're a teenager and your friends and girlfriend are important so if you want to start just coming once a month that's OK by me".

 

I kid you NOT, he told our son he was going to make him live down there for the summer, to then saying if you want to come once a month that's OK.

 

My biggest issue has always been this - my son comes first.I want his every happiness. I want his father to be a good father, and a role model. My ex's new wife is a former widow....so for all intents and purposes my ex is their father. They get to see him EVERY day. His own flesh and blood son only gets/got to see him bi-weekly. I do not begrudge her daughters a father in my ex. HOWEVER, since they see him daily, I think he should make time for his son, one on one. Not bi-weekly, not even monthly. But once every few months, take him bowling, to lunch, to a movie, or somthing free like a hike in a state park.

 

He has NEVER ONCE done that. NOT ONCE.

 

But, this is something I cannot control. And it sincerely hurts me that my son is seeing for himself who his father is.

 

 

 

Maybe I'm delusional in my expectations. IDK......I just want what's best for my son.

[t1lersm0m1]

I think I put way too much pressure on "fixing myself" and kind of burnt myself out. I commited to go to Philly with my friend Diane on a Sunday on accident (thought it was a Saturday she asked me about). Normally I would hate missing an ACA meeting, but the last meeting I was at (July 27) I was kinda feeling blah. If I didn't have the key due to agreeing to open the meeting and chair, I probably wouldn't have gone that Sunday. So taking yesterday off to go to Philly with my friend was probably a good thing.

 

Since I was feeling blah I decided on the 27th I would take two weeks off of trying to do any emtional growth. No reading self-help books, no conscience self-improvement. Just focus on work and school and my son. It's been nice to take this time off, even though it's only been a week so far.

 

My friend Heather came in from Florida. I hung out with my high school friends Thursday and Friday. Saturday Tyler and I went and got his bedroom furniture. Sunday I went to Philly with Diane. We dropped her daughter off at the Philly airport, went to a Diner's Drive-Inns and Dives restaurant, then stopped at Beltzville State Park. The State Park was beautiful.

 

I love my friend Diane, but I HATE the fact she is racist. She is mostly racist against Hispanic/Mexicans. I wish I could change that about her. I try to open her eyes about the things she says, but is it my job to change her? I wish the world could be perfect.

 

So we pulled into the state park at 9:30 AM. We pulled in behind two school buses full of Mexicans. Of course she had to make several comments about them not speaking English. I said "How do you know they don't speak English, but since they are with friends/family they are speaking their primary language?" Then later I heard two little girls speaking English so I said "See, they are speaking English!" Then we stopped at Aldi's on the way back, and she said it would be mostly Mexican's shopping there. I forget what I said to her, but her reply was "I have a right to feel the way I feel. You said once that we are all related to immigrants, but our immigrants came here and worked (I don't know how she knows this). They come here and expect every thing for free. They even get free Direct TV since they don't speak our language." I said how do you know that? She said a Mexican guy from her ex husband's work told her ex husband. I said did you actually research that to see if it's true, or did you just believe him? How do you know he wasn't just trying to rile people up?

 

I don't know, people feel justified in their racism. She said most of the Mexicans she sees use food stamps to pay for their food.

 

Ok, so maybe they are just going through a rough time now, and not ALWAYS on food stamps. There are PLENTY of white people on food stamps, do we assume that person will ALWAYS get food stamps, or do we give them the benefit of the doubt that because they are white they are just going through a rought time?

 

I don't know, I love her, she is a good person, but her racist comments really bother me. Plus, she constantly complains about things she can't control. Or things that affect milions of people (we don't make enough money, gas prices are high, etc). She is just a constant complainer.

 

She then told me how they had a Fed Ex delivery scheduled between 8 AM and 8 PM. She said she turned the radio down to make sure she could hear the door bell. She had to run to her mother-in-laws for an hour and her boyfriend and his dad were in the basement. She said the guy came and the door was open but she didn't feel he tried hard enough to make the delivery so they called Fed Ex to complain. She pretty much implied that he looked in the front door, decided no one was home and didn't even ring the doorbell. I asked her to admit there is a possiblity that he rang the door bell and they didn't hear him. She finally admitted that, but said it's dumb that they give a 12 hour range for delivery. I said I agree with that complaint,but to imply the guy didn't ring the door bell because more than likely you didn't hear it is just dumb. What could he possibly have to gain by NOT making a delivery. It's an extra box he has to take back. There's just no sense in him not trying to make the delivery. He left the sticker on the door that they missed him, so he was obviously there.

 

I just think her and her boyfriend are negative people that enjoy complaining. She's not a mean person, she's never mean to people, she just likes complaining about things that are out of her control. I'm the type of person that is very laid back and easy going. I can't control the price of gas. I can control my income, which is why I'm in school. I tried telling her to take classes. Our job pays $5250 a year as long as it's work related. She refuses (she's 10 years older than me, so 47). I try to offer solutions to her complaints, but I think she just likes complaining.

 

Anyway, I started the ACA steps but think I was just emotionally overwhelming myself. I get this mentality that if I do it quick I will be fixed and perfect and never have another issue in my life. But I know that is complete horsecrap. No matter how much work I do, there will always be improvements to be made and additional work to do.

 

So, that's where I"m at. When I mentioned at an ACA meeting that I had read the book and wished there were more meetings in our area, the one woman agreed to let us start coming to her house once a month or so after our Sunday meeting to start doing Step work. She's an alcoholic, so she did the steps for AA, but never did the step work for ACA and wants to start.

 

I want to continue working on myself beginning this Sunday again, and enjoying the outdoors while we have great weather.

 

I discovered at my appt with my LSCW two weeks ago that I am isolating myself. Most of the stuff I've done lately has been solo. I know that's because I'm depressed because of the condition of my life (doing the ACA work, being single, etc). So it's good that Heather was in this past weekend and I went to Philly with Diane yesterday. I also have dinner plans with friends coming up. I have plans with two different friends for next Tuesday and Wednesday. Then August 16th a third friend invited me to go to a winery with her and her sisiter. After that I want to do a group cookout at a state park. I need to surround myself with the people in my life that matter to me.

 

I'll be done with one online class this coming weekend, another one next weekend...then I have I think three weeks off before any fall classes start.

 

I know my life is going in a good direction. I just feel blah right now.

 

One last thing, I really want to buy a house next year. I'm trying to get my finances in order. My lease is up April 30th, so I'd like to buy a house so that I can be out by then, or maybe a few months after that. I pay $790 a month rent, plus electric (gas and water are included). I know I can buy a house and slowly over the years fix it up. Something that will be my own. I plan to stay in Northeast PA as long as my son goes to college here. he still has two years left of high school. But once he's done with college, I really want to look into moving south.

[t1lersm0m1]

I got the copper IUD approximately two periods ago, and let me say, the cramps are worse than before the IUD. There are two options in IUD's, the copper which adds no hormones, or the Mirena which has hormones. I didn't want hormones, but now I'm really wishing I had gone with the Mierena.

 

It figures I started the process of getting it while Rich and I were together. Now that I'm single I have no use for it. However, it's good for 10 years (Mirena is only good for 3 or 6 or something), and I know I won't be single forever.

 

My friend got Mirena and really doesn't get her period anymore (at least that's what she said).

[t1lersm0m1]

Ex husband is stepping up. I really hope he continues to do so. Our son was supposed to go to the beach with them today. Well, he called his dad a few days ago to tell him he didn't want to go, the reason being he's tried talking to his dad about his feelings about wanting more time with him and feeling important. During the phone call his dad told him he needs to grow up and act his age, that stye are a family and do things as a family. So my son hung up on him because he was yelling at him and they were accomplishing nothing.

 

Next day the ex sends him a long Facebook message about wanting to fix it. So he's been calling him just about every night to talk to him.

 

I really hope he continues this.

[t1lersm0m1]

I finally went to OA tonight. It was, eh, OK. But I do plan to go back. I know I am powerless over my food addiction. I know I intentionally choose salty or sweet foods, and can sit and eat a bag of anything. I know that my health matters. So I will go back. I will try other area meetings. Unlike ACA, there are plenty of OA meetings to choose from.

 

But it was nothing like ACA. I know that meeting is where my bread is buttered.

 

I'm reading some of the literature then plan to call it a night, so I can hopefully accomplish more tomorrow than I did today.

 

I'm also reading a book. I really didn't like it at first and am SOOO glad I gave it a second chance. Infinity + One. Really good book.

[t1lersm0m1]

So, when you go to an OA meeting, they have you sign in with your name & number in a book. The one woman asked if I minded if she called me. She called today. I returned her call and she said it was nice meeting. She asked if I felt I had an eating disorder or if I felt I was a glutton...

 

HUH? I was kinda speachless, so then she continued on the sentence about it being a disease and I said yeah.

 

Then she asked if I had made myself a food plan for today.

 

I just went to my first meeting last night, I just read a lot of the "newcomer" literature last night. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I can't do this alone and the fact that I really need to change my life if I want to change. But youc all me the day after my first meeting to ask if I have a food plan.

 

I think sometimes I just have a hard time taking people. I think everyone should act the way I would act. She didn't ask if I had any questions or needed support. her questions were very odd to me.

 

I won't let that stop me from getting the help I need. There are several local meetings weekly, so I want to try a few of them. The one guy goes to four meetings a week, and once a month drives to NJ. I know I need help to beat this overeating, but I honestly don't think I have the time or energy for four meetings a week, on top of my already busy/overwhelming life.

 

One day at a time.

[panther]

Haha, seems like she might give you a hard time.

 

Maybe she has many years experience on this already and is doing what she thinks is best to make sure you won't quit it too soon. Maybe people tend to give up after the first week.

[t1lersm0m1]

Maybe...lots of maybes. LOL

 

Like I said, my problem is (and I know it's MY problem) is I expect people to act the way I would act. I would never call someone and ask them if they feel they have a problem or they feel they are just a glutton. It just caught me off guard.

 

Anyway, GREAT news last night. I took my son and his girlfriend to a local amusement park. When we got there it was raining, so we sat in the car a short while waiting for it to stop. While we sat in the car my boss called me. I'm off of work for the week, so it was odd that she called me (it would be odd even if I hadn't been off).

 

Well, I didn't know what she wanted so let her leave a voicemail. She said she knew I was off and just needed to talk to me for a few minutes. So I called her back once we left the car after waiting for the rain to pass.

 

She submitted me for a promotion in June. It came through. I was expecting a 5% raise. I got 15%!!!!!! I was flabbergasted! It's a HUGE raise.

 

Of course, it comes right before I go to my hearing for child support. But, on the forms for child support it says I'm required to report all changes in income. So even if it came after the hearing it wouldn't make a difference. I don't know how child support through Domestic Relations works, but I'm assuming the more money I make, the less he'll have to pay?

 

Also, I was trying to keep my income down due to financial aid for myself, and in 2 years for my son. But, I should be able to increase my contributions to my 401K and continue contributing to an IRA each year.

 

So my raise will be in tomorrow's pay, my child support hearing is early September, and I just paid off two bills which will save me $280 a month. Financially, I should be MORE than fine soon. Which makes me very happy!

[t1lersm0m1]

I went online today and my raise wasn't in my paycheck. While it kinda sucks cause I can really use the money, I'm happy because when I go to my child support hearing I need to take the last six months worth of paystubs. They will take the average to calculate my income. So my raise won't show up before the hearing. That colors me very happy.

[panther]

Congratulations on the raise. So when you go to this child support hearing or fill out the papers, it is more rewarding for you if you gain less money. So it's prefect, right? Sometimes it feels like someone is watching over us and everything just works out perfectly.

[t1lersm0m1]

Yes, I have to show proof of my income, and my ex has to show proof of his. I think they use that to put in a formula to show how much he will have to pay. So the less I make, the better. It's absolutely perfect timing.

 

While I haven't adapted the OA way yet, I went to my second meeting tonight. I told them I thought about not going since I haven't started changing my life, but one of the people told me they went to meetings for a year before they started. I don't plan to, and hope not to, wait a year to start, but maybe I'm just getting my feet wet.

 

There are times I get anxious at the thought of taking a year off of dating. But right now it's allowing me to focus on what really matters. Right now I feel amazing clarity in my life. I'm focused on me, my son, my work and school work, my volunteer work...etc.

 

I haven't had my haircut since February. My hair is dull and lifeless. I wear a lot less makeup. I've gained weight and have been dressing frumpily. I kinda realize I've made my outside look like my inside feels. Although I've gained weight and been depressed, I can still feel the changes happening inside of me. The strength, the clarity, good qualities I would have never used to describe myself before.

 

While Rich was a great guy, I wasn't in love with him. I wasn't over Erik. My relationship with Erik was unhealthy and messed up, but I feel head over heals in love with him. But, since joining ACA I realize that part of our problem as a collective group is we love people we pity. I was mildly broken, but Erik was HORRIBLY broken. He was so damaged. His whole way of thinking was completely messed up. But I wanted to love him better. It was unhealthy, but I loved him. And then I jumped into a relationship with Rich, under the guise of being friends because I wasn't ready for more, only 6 weeks after my break up with Erik.

 

I think, though, that even though I probably hurt Rich, that he learned lessons from me. We had a great six months. He was a great guy, and I was a great girl. I was his first serious relationship since his ex-wife 5-6 years ago.

 

I was once of the opinion that relationships should end in marriage. That if he wasn't marriage material, I had no business being with him. Now I realize that it's ok to just date, or to just be with someone a short while. That I don't have to have the single-minded mentality that all relationships should end in marriage.

 

After all, there's that saying "Reason, season or lifetime." They came up with that saying for a reason.