My journey to self-love and healing

[t1lersm0m1]

Yes, I'd like to get to a point where I'm eating a lean protein, a veggie, and a healthy starch like brown rice or sweet potatoes. I'm just trying not to shock myself too much right now. I've also been focused on drinking more water.

 

I do need to start using all of the tools OA provides. Reading literature, attending more meetings, getting a sponsor, working the steps, stuff like that.

 

I do like the one day at a time mentality. Before if I screwed up, I would tell myself I'll start again on a Monday. OA tells you to focus on one day. So I had a bad food day Wednesday, but then I started right back up yesterday.

[Fudgie]

Baby step is best. Overtime your taste buds will change and you still start to crave healthy food but it takes a long time to get to that point. You will get there. I need to focus on getting more water in too. I sometimes am bad with that.

 

We all have off days sometimes. No biggie.

 

 

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[t1lersm0m1]

I haven't journaled in a while. Just started a training class so that's keeping me busier, but also I haven't had any really pressing matters to talk myself through in my journal.

 

I'm not really happy with the location or the people at our temporary Monday night ACA meeting. I really hope the Sunday morning one pics up in October. They were doing construction at our site so we had to find a temporary site. The regulars haven't really been coming to the Monday nights, and we have new people who seem very angry, or to be former drug users. I just generally feel uncomfortable.

 

I have the box for the meeting so have to go Monday, but am actually considering just dropping it off and using an excuse to leave.

 

I haven't been to an OA meeting because of my busy life. I'm tired, but a good tired.

 

I really think the SAMe/B Complex/Multi Vitamin combo I'm taking has helped with my depression. And while info I read online said SAMe can help with joint pain, I haven't had any relief in my knees. However, I also have chronic neck and back pain (probably caused by my morbid obesity) which I find has lessened up. I have no idea, but think it's related to the SAMe. I feel the need to crack my neck and back to relieve the pressure a lot less often than before I started taking SAMe. It's still there, but there's definite improvement.

 

I haven't really been abstinent. I did OK the first week, and the second week I just went to heck with it. I need to stop making excuses and start using all of the tools OA provides.

[t1lersm0m1]

I seriously cannot wait to sleep in Saturday. And Sunday. SOOOO tired. I love my sleep!

[t1lersm0m1]

I'm really grateful I'm taking a year to be single and work on me. But I also read some of the dating posts here and can't wait to get back out there. I think part of my problem is that I think dating has to lead to a relationship. But I think, when I' m ready, whether that's in the spring, or two years from now, I'm going to make it a point to just....date. I think I put too much pressure on myself that a guy has to be relationship material or nothing at all. Why did I pre-determine in my mind that that must be the case?

 

I look back on Bill, Erik and Rich as men who were meant to teach me beautiful lessons. Bill taught me I deserve a good man, and I shouldn't push a good man away out of fear and self-hatred. Erik taught me that although Bill was great, I do desire someone emotional who enjoys talking about feelings (but maybe not as emotional as Erik). Rich taught me that I need to date based on my needs, not what someone else thinks I should have. I have to live my life by my ideals and principles.

 

And my Mom. I love her. I wish she could change, and she's made improvements. Moving out of her house has really helped. But I know that I can't take care of her, physically or emotionally. She has to learn to take care of herself. If I continued taking care of her and then I died, would Tyler then feel he needs to take care of her until she died?

 

I saw my therapist yesterday. Again we ran out of things to talk about. I feel really good about that. I'm on a really good path in life. We set our next appointment for six weeks. I think after that appointment, I may not schedule another appointment and just call her if/when I need her. Maybe in the spring when I'm ready to start considering dating.

[t1lersm0m1]

Not much new in my life. Our ACA meeting location was under construction, so we changed the Sunday 8:30 AM meeting to a Monday 6:30 PM meeting. Had some newcomers join. I kinda got annoyed at the one newcomer who had been coming to the Scranton morning meetings. But I have to keep in mind ACA's 12th tradition - Principles before Personalities.

 

I had mentioned to my counselor (LSCW) a few months ago I wanted to start a Wilkes Barre ACA meeting, and she talked me out of it because of all I have going on in my life (2 college classes, full time work, being a single Mom, ACA, OA, etc), but now that our Wilkes Barre meeting is ending to pick up the Scranton meeting, I feel bad because the newcomers who were coming to Wilkes Barre say that Scranton is either too far (its 20 minutes drive) or that 8:30 AM is too early. So with my overdeveloped sense of responsiblity I want to try and make a weeknight Wilkes Barre meeting work.

 

I didn't care for the location we were at on Monday nights. The pastor told us she charges a long-time NA meeting $25 a month, but she wanted to charge us $40 a month. We asked her for $25 until we see how things go. She agreed to that. Most meetings only had 3-5 people, and each personally generally gives $1-$2 per meeting. Also, the guy who came to open the church for our meeting would sit in a room that adjoined our room and watch stuff on the computer/laptop, and when we were having our meeting, whenver it got quiet I could hear his stuff. Also, another church worker walked into our meeting last week to give us a flyer for a rummage sale (our meeting had already begun and I felt it was rude to interrupt us). ACA meetings are very intimate and personal, people are generally in tremendous pain when they come. Luckily no one had started sharing when she interrupted, but I just overall don't care for the meeting location.

 

A newcomer to the Monday evening meetings said there is a good place in Kingston that only charges $10 a month rent. But as we were talking about issues before the meeting officially started, me and the other long-time ACA member that were there said Mondays are hard for us. But then someone said Wednesday doesn't work, and another person said Thursday doesn't work. It's so hard to make everyone happy. I have an online class and our homework is due Mondays. Then I have an in-school class Tuesdays. So Wednesdays and Thursdays would be good for me.

 

But then although I was upset when my counselor disuaded me from starting an ACA meeting in my area, I realize she's right, I do have a lot going on in my life. If I started a meeting, at least in the beginning I would feel obligated to be there at every meeting, and if I had to miss a meeting it would bother me (I have this hugely over developed sense of responsiblity, which is why I've struggled with boundaries and a healthy mentality in the past).

 

I'm enjoying my Tuesday evening English 104 class. The professor is fun, and the format is fun. Creative writing, evaluating old American stories/poems, just a fun overall format. My Business Law class sucked big time. I'm so glad that ended.

 

After tonight I only have 8 weeks left, then I get a break a few weeks in December/January before spring classes start.

 

By August 2015 I should have my bachelors. Once my 6 month obligation is up at work for my tuition reimbursement, I am going to begin aggressively pursuing a new profession. My goal is to make as much money as possible in my career so I can travel now and then travel extensively in retirement.

 

I'm also hoping I can save enough to buy a house for cash in the spring since my ex hubby ruined my credit, and we still have a house in our name that I can't afford the mortgage on. I keep waiting for him to let it foreclose, but so far nothing has happened. I almost wish he had let it foreclose when we split up in 2009 because I could have started rebuilding my credit since then and possibly qualified for a mortgage.

 

Wow, I was so stupid. A reposessed car, a foreclosed home, and a second potential foreclosed home. I can't believe I stayed with him for so long hoping and praying he would grow up and become responsible. When we built our home before the housing market crash, he basically said he didn't care if our first home was foreclosed. What an idiot. And that's exactly what happened. And we couldnt' afford our new home, let alone our old home which we never sold prior to building.

 

I will never be that stupid again. I just have to remember the serenity prayer. I can't change the past, only learn from it and not repeat the mistakes. So I can't keep beating myself up for it. I just wish I had been stronger and left him sooner (he asked for the divorce, not me). I wasn't crazy about our first home, but I coudl have afforded it on a single income and Tyler and I could be living there, instead of in an apartment.

[t1lersm0m1]

Well, my 401K and Roth IRA took a nosedive. I guess I should stop looking at them so often since I'm only 37.

 

I'm going to try not to procrastinate with my homework this week. I plan to start it tonight (one class's work is due Monday, the other Tuesday).

 

I really hope it's sunny when I leave work. I bought a circular polarizer for my DSLR and it's been too cloudy to use it about a week now.

 

I feel like I'm tired enough to sleep all weekend.

 

I haven't been to an OA meeting in two weeks. Time to get back. Really need to use the tools for recovery. I want to get healthy!

[t1lersm0m1]

I hate the fact that I still sometimes react childishly to situations. Or that I let certain things bother me. I'm a pretty laid back person, and can generally let things go if they are unimportant. But then there's this:

 

I have an advisor at school. However, there's also this guy that pops into our class every week at our off-site location, so he asked two weeks ago if anyone had any questions or needed anything. So I thought I'd ask him about my internship I need to take according to my Personal Education Plan (PEP). He asked me my major which is Business Administration. He said the internship is not required for my major, it is optional. He also said if I have a job I can probably use that and just have someone at work certify my internship (but still have to pay and earn the three credits).

 

So I then checked my PEP to see what classes I need to finish (I'm down to 6 classes then I will have my Bachelor's). It's then that I saw Internship (required) on my list. So I decided to email my advisor asking to confirm if it's required or optional.

 

She said she would look into it, but asked me in what I perceived as a somewhat formal/stern way to only ask her questions. My reply was something along the lines of:

 

"I wasn't trying to circumvent you. Mr. XYZ stops in our class weekly and asked if anyone had any questions so I just asked him about the internship." (No harm, no foul right? That last sentence wasn't in the email).

 

She said "I understand Leigh but it's best to ask me these questions, that's what I'm here for and I'm happy to help."

 

Yeah, I know, I get it, but I still feel like a child being chastised.

 

And I HATE the fact that I feel that way.