My journey to self-love and healing

[t1lersm0m1]

Hi, I'm codependant. I thought I'd start with that. Since that's the place I'm at in my life, and I want to start my journey of healing. Rather than making one massive post about my past, I'll try to break it up into smaller posts.

 

At this piont in my life I'm 37 years old. I have a 16 year old son.

 

My journal will jump around. I'm going to try to put things in an "order of significance" in my life.

 

I welcome any feedback. Whether it's positive or negative, I welcome it. I have thick skin, and if someone feels I can do something better, or I'm doing something wrong, feel free to share.

[t1lersm0m1]

My mother is a recovered alcoholic and prescription pill abuser. She is mentally ill. She is diagnosed bipolar. At least that's what she's told me. My mother is the heart of my problem. I have other issues that have shaped the person I am, but this is the nitty gritty of it. Let me expand on this.

 

Growing up my mother drank a case of beer a weekend. She started physical fights with my father. She smashed phones. My Aunt Patsy would take us for country drives at night while my Mom drank. My aunt would stop on the side of the road several times so my mom could pee. My cousin Connie died when I was 9, back in 1986. My mom would drink on weekends, blasting Whitney Houston (my cousin's favorite singer), singing the songs out loud and crying. Crying all weekend while drinking.

 

I would lock my brother and I in my bedroom when my parents fought (I'm 7 years older). I remember one time cheering my father on to beat my Mom up. Another time, when I was older, my Dad talked about leaving. I told my Mom I would go with him.

 

We had an apartment when I was younger. There was an air vent in a cooby hole (sp?) My mom would lay on the floor with her ear to this cooby hole to listen to the downstairs neighbors fight.

 

I remember one time she took me in the car driving around our small town, drinking while she drove. When she finished a beer, she would stop the car so I could put the empty bottle on the curb.

 

Later in life we lived in a double block. Our neighbor was beating up his girlfriend and we sat there and listened. My mom thrived on this stuff.

 

After I was an adult and had my own home, my husband (now ex) and I had a 40th birthday party for my mom (she is now 57). She could never just have a few beers. She drank until she was annhialated. She passed out on my chair. Later she woke up thinking she was home and went upstairs to use the bathroom (in my home our only bathroom was on the first floor, in hers it was on the second).

 

Like they say of alcoholics, ten beers aren't enough, one beer is too many. Is that the saying?

 

My mom as I said also abused prescriptions. I once got diet pills, but I was afraid to take them because I was breast feeding. My Mom asked for them. She took the whole bottle (21 pills) of a prescription diet pill at once. She complained she couldn't breathe, so my Dad took her to the hospital. No one knew what was wrong with her. She didn't admit to me until a year or two later that the incident was caused by her taking a bottle of pills.

 

One Halloween when my son was a toddler, we took him to see my Aunt Betty. When my Mom carried my son through the doorway she dropped him. He wasn't hurt, just scared. She later admitted to me that she was high on prescription pills.

 

My mom attempted suicide twice when I was in my 20's. We were on the phone and she was acting jealous over my mother-in-law. She called me back and said she was drinking and took a bottle of pills. I immediately hung up and called 911. I later got a bill from the ambulance because I was the one that called 911 (we got it sorted out).

 

My mother's mental illness and addictions have had a great impact on my life.

 

Even though I don't think she is abusing anything now, I know she's not in therapy for her mental illness, and I'm not sure she is still seeing her psychiatrist or on anything for her mental illness. I will discuss this more later, once I talk about a few more items that have happened in my life.

 

My mother constantly tries to imply I'm a bad mother, and every time she does I want to let the fllood gates open of the mother she is. I'm not perfect, I could do things better, but compared to her I'm a saint.

[t1lersm0m1]

I no longer feel shame over my past. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I didn't choose the things that happened to me. And I am not posting here to seek out pity. I don't pity myself (although I used to), so I don't want anyone else's pity.

 

I'm gonig to list the incidents in the order I remembered them.

 

Tara's brother Sheldon. He wasn't really her brother, he was adopted or something. He had issues with drugs, he was older than us. One night, he was sitting on the couch and told us to sit on either side of him. When we did that, he fondled our breasts. I was in elementary school. But I was always at least a little overweight (I remember in 5th grade being one of two girls that weighed 100 pounds when we got weighed in the nurses office to check our health). In addition to always being overweight, I've also always had a big chest.

 

Him fondling us is only a minor blip on my radar. It didn't affect me really, it was a quick incident. Tara told her dad about it sometime after I went home. The next time I was over there, her father talked to us both about it. No one ever told my parents.

 

I was 16. I had a part time job at Long John Silvers. People warned me about John but said he was "harmless." We had to go in once to talk about sexual harassment, they had a meeting in the morning before the restaurant opened. The first time, he touched my shirt, where the gap was in the button down part, where you could see my bra. The next time, he rubbed his groin against my backside while I bent to get a garbage bag off of a lower shelf. The third time, he followed me and trapped me out by the dumpster when I was taking trash out. I have no idea what his intentinos were and never found out because it was close to the end of my shift and my mom pulled into the parking lot.

 

This event was the catalyst, because it's what made me remember the sexual abuse at the hands of my uncle. My grandmother lived down the street from my aunt, uncle and cousins. Kevin was my age, so we usually played when I was visiting my grandmother.

 

My uncle molested me. He tried raping me, but couldn't. He blamed me, said I didn't "love him enough". The sexual abuse went on over a period of time. There's still things I've kept blocked out, like I remember a brown leather belt, I think he threatened me with it. I remember a room they had with a train, that when I think about that room I want to break down and cry.

 

At a wedding, a different uncle fondled my breast. This was my mother's brother. I told my parents about it. My Dad confronted him immediately. He said he was so drunk he honestly doesn't remember what happened. I can tell you exactly what happened. We were at a different Aunt's house, my uncle, a few cousins and I. We were drinking (me included, I was underage,only a teen). My Aunt's husband was sleeping on the couch, so I grabbed my Uncle's hand to lead him out of the house so he didnt' wake up my other Uncle, he reached around and grabbed my breast. Again, it really wasn't that big of a deal, but after dealing with the memories of what my other uncle did, it was too much.

 

When I was 18 I was date raped. A guy hit on me while I was putting gas in my car. I looked a mess. It was winter, my hair had snow it in and was wet. I had no makeup on and sweats. He told me I was gorgeous. Said he loved my lips. Convinced me to go on a date with him. I walked to his house that Friday. I thought we were going out. No, he had a movie and pizza, we were staying in. He made out with me. Went down on me. Then he was on top of me. I told him I didn't want to have sex. He would slip inside me and I would say you're inside, I don't want to have sex. He said "Dont' worry baby, I won't cum inside you."

 

He was a stranger. I was afraid to forcefully stop him. I didn't want him to hurt me if I did. So I said no, but I didnt physically stop him. I never heard of date rape before. I never knew there was such a thing. I thought rape was something a stranger did outside in a dark alley. Or a villain who broke into your house. Or a guy who waits in hiding for an early morning jogger. I thought rape had to be a violent act. I never knew there was such a thing as date rape.

 

I was in counseling for what my uncle had done to me at the Victim's Resource Center. The incident was really bothering me. I told my counselor about it, and she said "He raped you." I told her his name, and her attitude changed and said he belongs in prison. I got the distince impression she had heard his name before. She didn't say he belonged in prison until I said his name. I asked her why she was saying that, and she coudn't answer me due to confidentiality. But I know in my heart she heard his name before.

 

I know that none of this was my fault, but I wonder, looking back, if my mother's alcoholism and craziness made me put myself into unsafe situations. I guess not, because I didn't go out looking for these things. The guy at Long John's had done things to other people, that's why they warned me, althought they said he was harmless. I think the date rape guy was a predator because as I said, the counselor's attitude changed when I said his name.

 

I can't and don't blame myself. Although looking back I wish I could say I had an easy life, I know that these things are what have made me the person I am today.

[t1lersm0m1]

He was my first ltr. In high school I had some bfs that lasted a few months at a time. I was overweight and had poor self esteem. I would actually call my poor self esteem self hatred.

 

I met my ex husband at ocean city md after high school graduation. I was actually seeing a married man twice my age when I met him. We began dating in 1995 and moved in together later that year. He had add and a bad relationship with his father. His father always told him he was worthless and wouldn't amount to anything. Dave, the ex, went from job to job. He was fired, laid off our quit from more than a dozen jobs. Things would go good for a while but never stayed good. We bought a fixer upper in 1997 and lived there ten years. I always worked multiple jobs. I also went to school on and off working towards my associates degree.

 

Later I was stupid. I allowed him to convince me we could build a home I knew in my heart we couldn't afford. We lost our first home to foreclosure because the rent were were getting was helping pay for our new home. My ex finally asked for a divorce before Christmas 2008. I had been telling him for a long time I didn't love him and when I finished school I would leave. So he pulled the trigger. My dad said that was the best thing that ever happened to me. At that time I didn't make a lot of money so my son and I moved in with my parents.

 

My ex got involved with a woman who had money so they were able to keep the house a few years. They are now out of money and trying to sell it.

 

My ex isn't a bad man, his head is just screwed up and he prioritised material possessions over security.

[t1lersm0m1]

I had absolutely no self-esteem after my separation. I had no business dating, but I had no idea.

 

First I dated John. He was black. He was absolutely gorgeous! Many steps physically above the fat insecure woman I was. He lived here for work, but he was from Indiana. I never even realized our "dates" were just booty calls. He spent next to no money on me. I wanted so desperately to be loved. We talked daily but only saw each other every three weeks or so, and the rendezvous usually were all about sex. I thought I loved him. I didnt' even know him.

 

He was engaged to his fiance back in Indiana. While he dated (had sex with) me, he got married to his fiance in Indiana. She was then his wife. One time we were texting and he said he was stressed out trying to get money he needed for his truck. What did I do??? Offered it to him! Yep, over $500. I was so dumb and insecure. Another tmie he asked me to borrow $600. Thinking back on this time, I'm so angry with myself. But I have to remind myself that I'm not that woman anymore. I finally started getting wise and Googled his name and the town he was from in Indiana. That's when I found his wedding announcement. What did I do? Walk out with my head held high? Nope...contacted him relentlessly for answers. He of course ignored me. He would occassionally text me back. Told me that I technically cheated too since I was only separated from my husband, not divorced. Turned it around on me. This was back in 2009.

 

In 2011 I met Dion on a dating site. He was from NJ. He was also black. I told him I wasn't interested in a long distance relationship. He kept pursuing, saying he was looking for a serious relationship, he would do all of the driving, and if we hit it off he would relocate for me.

 

At this time I was still insecure. We would text and talk regularly on weekdays. He would reply to texts quickly. He pursued me. But on weekends he would disappear for hours at a time. He always had excuses. There were plenty of red flags. Although he said he would do the driving, I foolishly offered to meet half way. I then changed my mind and asked him to come here, but he said no let's stick to the plan and meet half way. What an idiot I WAS. (Not Anymore!)

 

Long story short, I would try researching him online. One day I found his home phone number. I kept it for future keeping. We were having a falling out, and he had just showed me how to block your number when you call someone (*67). So that week I tried calling his home number, and I got an answering machine with a generic message. Then we had a fight later that week, and I called the house again. A woman answered! I hung up. But then I called back and asked if she was his wife. She informed me that yes she was, so I told her I was his girlfriend. We spoke for HOURS over the next several weeks. He had done this before. She had suspicions he was doing it again but he was a good liar and manipulator. Her cousins in the Caribbean even said he would flirt with them, and he denied it and she sided with him over her family. She went on a trip with their son and when she came home any photos of her were in the closet.

 

So the red flags were there for both of us, but we ignored them.

 

I dated other men that were not good, but John and Dion were manipulative.

[t1lersm0m1]

I met Bill in June 2012. We were a great fit for the most part, except that I'm emotional, he's not, and I was way too insecure to be in a relationship. He treated me great. Planned our dates, paid, picked me up, was crazy about me.

 

August I had a huge fight with my mom and pushed Bill away out of fear. Then I went crazy trying to get him back. For five months I read self help books and worked on myself. I got back into therapy.

 

In February 2013 I got Bill to admit he was seeing someone. The VERY NEXT DAY Erik came into my life. At first he seemed perfect and made me think there was a reason it didn't work with Bill. Erik was emotional and we SEEMED perfect for one another. We connected on every level.

 

The more I got to know him, the more his insecurities became obvious, as well as his love for his wife. If not for those two things, I believe he could have been my soul mate, if that really exists. In September one day I acted like a complete B. Three days later he broke up with me saying I reminded him of his wife and that's not the direction he wanted his life to go. I believe in hind sight I sabotaged the relationship because I truly want happy but couldn't end the relationship.

 

October 2013 I met Rich. It should be noted that all three men are good men and all three were from POF.

 

Rich and I didn't connect on a deep emotional level like Erik and I did, and the sex was severely lacking. Aside from that everything was perfect. I seem to overlook these things. I don't think there is a perfect relationship out there but rich came pretty close. In six months we never had one fight until we broke up. We could sit and talk for hours. He never worked on our intimacy issues but but if I had any other constructive criticism he worked to correct it.

 

Although rich and I are broken up we continue light contact. Our relationship ended a month ago because I live with my mom who is mentally ill and she threw more out twice while dating him because of his race. I was upset at first but now understand why he ended it. I got an apartment and will be finished moving next week.

 

I'm just going to be single for now and enjoy my new independence.

[t1lersm0m1]

I look back on the woman I was before fall 2012...even the woman I was with Erik in 2013, and I see so much growth and change. My son and I will be out on our own soon. I'm very excited for this next chapter in my life. I'm 37 and I've never been on my own. I left my parents to move in with my bf who later became my husband. After my divorce I moved back with my parents (early 2009). My dad died late in 2011, and I stayed with my Mom because I felt she needed me. But I have enabled her to become and remain a hermit. I have also enabled her to treat me poorly.

 

No one ever tells little girls that the most important love in our lives is the love we have for ourself. If I knew that loving myself was the beginning and ending of it all, I would have started this journey a LONG time ago. Love for others is easy. Love for ourselves is not.

 

I not only didn't love myself, I hated myself. I had to go to church as part of a religious class I took at my college. The pastor gave a sermon on the difference between guilt and shame. Wow, was that eye opening!

 

Guilt says I feel bad I did something, shame says I am bad. I lived my life full of so much shame, for things that hapepend to me that were out of my control. I blamed myself. Blamed God. Figured I must be bad, or God must hate me, since so much bad had happened to me. While my life wasn't all peaches and roses, it also wasn't so bad I guess. I survived what I lived through. Some don't survive. Some do survive but never grow strong from their experiences.

 

I am who I am today because of what I went to.

[t1lersm0m1]

I hate that I feel and act so insecure in a break up. I was donig so well. I was letting Rich contact me. He's not the right fit, but still I want the relationship. Why? Why? Why?

 

I no longer feel like each guy I date is my last chance at happiness. I found Bill, Erik and Rich. All GREAT men. So I know I can find other great men.

 

Then I had to contact Rich on Sunday. he said he's not ready to be back together. Of course that crushed me. I want to be back together now. I want us to pick up where we left off. But I know logically why he needs time. But my heart and emotions want us back together now.

 

Logically our break up should be permanent. I wasn't happy sexually. And I want kids, he doesn't. So why am I pushing for this relationship? The relationship was very healthy.... it was almost too perfect until the break up. We never had ONE fight.

 

I just feel so lost right now.

[t1lersm0m1]

One step forward, two steps back. Isn't that the saying? That's the story of my life, or it feels that way anyway. I know that everything that happens in my life is contributing to the strong woman I am, and the stronger woman I am becoming. I may not be there yet, but I can't expect to undo the damange that was done in 35 years, in only two short years. I guess that is expecting way too much.

 

Finding self-love has really changed me, and has opened my eyes. But I guess my change is gradual. I thought my change was complete, but going through this break up with Rich has taught me otherwise.

 

I'm so happy in normal every day situations. I have great friends, and I try to be great to my family. But I think that's a lie I tell myself. I know I suffer from depression. And in the throws of a break up, I suffer from anxiety.

 

There are times I struggle with my self esteem at work, but they are so few and far between that I tell myself the only place I struggle is in romantic relationships. But I think that's another lie I tell myself.

 

I'm 37 and I feel so far behind the times in my career and schooling. I am still working on my Bachelors. I'm in the lowest level of management in my company. But I must stop putting myself down, and comparing myself to others. I have friends here who are older than me and don't even have an associates, and aren't in management, they are hourly employees.

 

I have to tell myself that things in my life will happen when they are meant to happen. I can't force them. I am finding my confidence, and I am learning through each break up.

 

I love myself I love myself I love myself I love myself I love myself

 

I am loving and loveable. I am loving and loveable. I am loving and loveable.

 

These are the things I have to tell myself. Happiness doesn't come naturally to me. I don't fake happiness, it just takes me more work to get to happiness than some others.

 

The abuse in my past, the alcoholism of my mother...these things have greatly shaped the woman I am today. I have to stop looking at that as a bad thing. Although I struggle, I think they have made me OH SO compassionate and caring of other people.

 

This is the first day of the rest of my life. I am moving out of my Mom's house today. The internet will be hooked up Friday and then everything will be moved and transitioned. My son and I can start our journey on our own.

 

I am going to make it through this break up, and I am going to be stronger, and ready for the next man that enters my life.

[t1lersm0m1]

I'm all moved in my new place. I must admit I love it. I also love that I no longer feel responsible for my mom. She texted me several times last night but my phone was in my bedroom and I was watching tv in the living room. She doesn't need to know where I am or what I'm doing 24 hours a day.

 

I miss rich, but he's not the right fit. He's not the man for me. Why do I continuously settle for les than I deserve? Why do I sacrifice my happiness? Our relationship was missing passion. We had everything but passion. So close, but no cigar. He's truly a great guy, but I don't think he's the right fit.

[t1lersm0m1]

I think the light bulb just went off with rich.

 

About a month ago he told me something eye opening. And just now I think that thing he told me made me realize something else.

 

We were talking on the phone. We were talking about racism. During the conversation he said he didn't think his friends should have children but when they had their son he swore he would do anything he could to protect him. I said do you think your mom shouldn't have had you?

 

He said he's not suicidal but yes he thinks he would be better off not being here. He thinks his life as a black man is so bad he'd rather not be living his life.

 

If he's not passionate about life, how can he be passionate about me? The simple answer is he can't. He feels the way he does about life and there's nothing I can do to change it. I've hoped and prayed he would find his sex drive and make me feel desired. I spoke to him about it several times and he never attempted to change it.

 

He's such a wonderful man, but he is fundamentally damaged. I'm damaged too but I desire change. I can't keep staying with men hoping to change them. I stayed with Erik hoping to fix him. I really loved Erik. We had such a deep emotional connection. I never had that connection with rich. I couldn't because he has no passion for life.

 

I'm damaged goods, I'm a work in progress. I probably always will be a work in progress.

 

But I think if I were to die tomorrow, I wouldn't change a minute of it. Every tear, every fear, every pain all made me who I am today.

 

I love Rich but there's no passion. I think we'll get back together, if that's what I want. But why would I want a man who lacks a passion for life. He just goes through the motions, working, eating, paying his bills, and sleeping.

 

Don't get me wrong...He was WONDERFUL to me. I'm grateful he's been in my life. I hope he remains in my life, just not as my partner.

[jjkk]

"I can't keep staying with men hoping to change them."

Amen to that!! That's a lesson I learned the HARD way but like you said, I wouldn't change it. It's all been a learning and growing experience and it has all led me to where I am today. Of course I'm not perfect and I'm still having many difficult learning and growing experiences but I'd take it all any day over a passionless life. Hugs to you.

[t1lersm0m1]

I guess these are the lessons we have to learn. I'm just grateful that I'm trying to learn through my experiences. I'm sorry you've had similar struggles but it brings me peace knowing I'm not the only one who has had these struggles.

 

"I can't keep staying with men hoping to change them."

Amen to that!! That's a lesson I learned the HARD way but like you said, I wouldn't change it. It's all been a learning and growing experience and it has all led me to where I am today. Of course I'm not perfect and I'm still having many difficult learning and growing experiences but I'd take it all any day over a passionless life. Hugs to you.

[t1lersm0m1]

I'm in control of my life, I'm in control of my happiness. I need to stop self destructing. I want to stop doing things that I'm ashamed of.

 

rich told me he had to think about us being together with what was going on with my mom. That was Sunday April 13. Monday I replied to a Craigslist ad. I told the guy to bring condoms and he did. But I had unprotected sex with him. Then rich broke up with me Tuesday April 15 saying he doesn't see how we can be together as long as I'm living with my mom. I had protected sex with my ex Bill from 2012 that night.

 

I'm so ashamed of the things I do. Not because of Rich, but because this is not how I want to live my life. Random sex with stranger.

 

I had sex on Saturday with another man from Craigslist. He brought a condom and wore it but was having a hard time keeping his erection so I told him to take it off. He didn't ask but I told him to.

 

He pulled out when he came but still, what the heck is wrong with me? This isn't who I want to be. And if my son ever found out I've done this I would be so ashamed. What anyone else thinks is what they think. But I should be leading my son by example.

 

I'm seeing an LCSW but have an appointment with an actual psychologist tomorrow. I'm hoping I can be completely forthcoming and honest with her.

 

I want to stop this behavior. I want to recover. I need to stop self destructing.

[t1lersm0m1]

I'm disgusted with how I treat my poor body. I abuse it terribly. I'm 5'3" and used to be 293#. In 2011 I lost 54 pounds and got down to 239. I now fluctuate between 239 and 260. While I'm not up to my previous weight I'm tired of mistreating my body like this. I should be only a little over 100# if I were a healthy weight.

 

I want to get my life in order....financially, physically, emotionally, and then eventually romantically......but I must take care of everything else first. I'm doing pretty well financially but want to get a few more things in order and finish school. I'm hoping to get set emotionally by setting a psychologists and then getting involved in some support groups such as ACOA or OA. I want to put my struggles behind me once and for all.

[t1lersm0m1]

Money

I'm getting my financial life in order and it feels really good. I have a few small store charges with a little less than $100 balance on each. I have a 401K loan I took out in early Spring for $10,000. Right now the balance is $9300 and I just sent a $3000 payment. I also took $5500 I got in my income tax refund and opened a Roth IRA. I have more money coming and plan to send it in on my 401K loan as well.

 

I generally don't think about the future in terms of money. I bought 200 points in the Disney Vacation Club (timeshare). I wanted to use the points myself, but to help get stuff paid off I am actually going to rent out my points. I already have a few friends interested in renting them. I NEVER sacrifice my vacations, so for me this is HUGE. I am trying to keep my national park trip this summer that Rich and I planned on taking Tyler on.....so I am planning to make it a camping trip for just Tyler and I. I am going to switch the dates as my friend Heather will be in from Florida when we were going to go and my brother needs me to pick him up from the airport one of the days we were going to be gone.

 

School

I'm in school pretty much full time. I am currently in three classes, and have a fourth class that starts after two of the three classes are over. Then I have four classes in the fall, four next spring, and will only need two or three next summer to finish my Bachelor's in Business Administration. To go along with my money section above, I had planned to pay for a few of my classes, but decided to apply for financial aid and my financial aid should actually cover everything, so I will have VERY LITTLE out of pocket expense.

 

Therapy

My employee assistance program (EAP) through work covers 8 sessions with my LCSW a year. I've used 3 sessions, and the 4th is scheduled for Thursday. In addition I am going to begin seeing a psychologist today after work and paying out of pocket for that. Unfortunately I have a somewhat large deductible $750 for just me, so I'll probably end up paying for the first few sesions before my coinsurance of 80% kicks in. I hope I can be forthcoming with my issues in the first session, rather than being nervous like I usually am and just doing idle chit chat. I guess I should tell myself that the sooner we get down to business the less money it will cost me. LOL

 

Volunteer Work

I'm very proud of the volunteer work I am doing. I am a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) volunteer. I am currently assigned a little boy in the foster care system and I will be assigned to him until he is either reunited with his mother (that option isn't looking good right now) or he is adopted by someone else. It's typically an 18 month commitment but can vary by child. I feel very fulfilled in doing this, and it helps to give my somewhat mundane life meaning.

 

I've told my friends this in the past and believe it wholeheartedly....if I didn't have my son, I probably would haev commited suicide by now. That's the honest to goodness truth. However, as of me writing this now, I no longer feel that way.

 

For a good portion of my life I've felt that the only good thing I did was have my son. I think he is growing up to be a fine young man. And I told myself if he ever died, I would have no reason to go on living. I feel like he gives me purpose.

 

But as time goes on and I get stronger and better, I know that I've added a lot to other peoples' lives, and no longer feel like if something God forbid happened to my son my reason for living would cease.

 

I'm a good person, trying to navigate my way through this difficult journey called life. I've learned to start loving life, and being happy. I just need some more help.

[t1lersm0m1]

Well the first session with the psychologist went well, until the end when she told me I had to pay $170 right then and there. Don't get me wrong, I know the PhD at the end of her name cost a lot of money but she could have told me that on the phone.

 

I told her my insurance was going to tell her the "amount allowed" but she didn't believe me since I haven't met my deductible yet. Also I have a health savings account they will use to pay her. I don't think the $170 is too much and I think my mental health is worth it but I just wasn't prepared to pay that today.

 

I feel this will be beneficial but I'm just a little leery. For another thing I submitted a request for a phone call through a web site and she literally called me within 15 minutes of my request submission.

 

Oh well I'm gonna get my money's worth and go back at least a few times.

[t1lersm0m1]

A guy at work saw my profile on Match back in November. At that point Rich and I had become exlusive a few weeks before the guy from work reached out to me. We've spoken a few times at work since November, nothing bad, just met in the cafeteria and chatted on a few breaks. He reached to me after my break up to see how I was doing. He has been in a relationship since December.

 

Well, we met in the cafe last week and he said his relationship hasn't been going well. She gets really moody and mean and ignores him, etc. Back when I told him I was seeing someone he asked me to let him know if I become single so he didn't miss another opportunity.

 

I don't plan on dating him or anything. While I shouldn't want Rich back because he's not the right fit, I do want Rich back. But I am welcoming the distraction of the guy from work. I also don't like the idea of dating someone from work. I would be open to hanging out occassionally if things with his girlfriend are over.

 

Anyway we are meeting in the cafeteria on our afternoon break as he said he wants to tell me something and it's too complicated to tell me through instant messenger.

 

I was trying not to initiate contact with Rich, but there was a website I found last week. I had drafted an email to him, but never sent it. Well, I sent it today. I guess I was hoping to help him understand me more, being the adult child of an alcoholic. I never realized how much growing up with an alcoholic mother affected me until this year. There are other things from my past, but this one is huge.

 

Here's the link to the article. I basically found it when I was trying to understand why ACoA struggle so much with romantic relationships.

 

link removed

 

I have so much anger and resentment for my mother. I wish I could let go of all of the hostility and just forgive her. But she continues to be a narcissist. She's disabled and has severe arthritis in her knees, which affects her back as well. Well, with me moving out, she wanted to show me how much she is trying to improve by buying flowers and pulling weeds and doing all sorts of stuff. Of course it caused her to not be able to walk for two days. Then the other night she texted me saying she put the air conditioner in and what a job that was. She LOOKS for sympathy. Texting me about how much her body hurts her because of all she has done lately. I told her when she ends up in a nursing home because of all she is doing to push herself I will feel absolutely no sympathy for her. And I truly won't. She loves pushing herself so she can say poor me, look at me and all I've done and all of the pain I'm in. My Mom's life is all about her.

 

Also, my brother's wife must have told her own mother about what's going on with what my mother has done.....because my mother went to the pharmacy to get a prescription filled and my brother's mother-in-law works there. My mother said she didn't even look at her. She then started crying saying she has been a good person all of her life and now because of this one thing she has a black mark and will forever be marked. She turned the whole thing into being about her. Also, when I first told her Rich broke up with me, she said it was my fault for "Involving him in our problems." That's a classic narcissistic/alcoholic response. We are supposed to live in a veil of secrecy. No one is supposed to know the deep dark secrets my family hide.

 

Rich and I were together six months. I wasn't supposed to be able to tell him when things at home were rough because my mother was in one of her moods. I was supposed to shield her and protect her at all costs. And now she feels like everyone knows her dirty little secret (about being racist) and she wants to play the victim.

 

Rich is the only one that is innocent in all of this. He is the only one that did nothing. I kept him in the dark. I kept the truth from him, because I was raised to keep secrets and lie. I'm not innocent, I should have told him what was going on at home. And my mother is FAR from innocent.

[t1lersm0m1]

I called Rich. Do you know what hurts the most? I was a priority and now I'm no longer a priority. I feel meaningless. I'm sure he'll return, my call but maybe it's Better if he doesn't. I'm just so hurt, why do I struggle letting go?

 

I'm having such a hard time letting him go. I tell myself to let him initiate contact but I don't stick to it.

 

I need to heal and stop focusing on him. But focusing on him stops me from having to focus on me.

 

I suck

[jjkk]

You don't suck! You had a weak moment when you were missing him. It's hard to let go of someone we care about and all the hopes and dreams we had of being with them. It's a loss and we all handle it differently, in out own time. We do the best we can in each moment with it. The important thing is to have awareness of our behaviors and how it affects us and others and learn from our actions so we can do better next time. Hugs to you! It'll all be OK.

[t1lersm0m1]

Thank you for reading my journal and taking time to reply. This is so therapeutic for me and my healing process. I appreciate it.

 

You don't suck! You had a weak moment when you were missing him. It's hard to let go of someone we care about and all the hopes and dreams we had of being with them. It's a loss and we all handle it differently, in out own time. We do the best we can in each moment with it. The important thing is to have awareness of our behaviors and how it affects us and others and learn from our actions so we can do better next time. Hugs to you! It'll all be OK.

[t1lersm0m1]

So I went into freak out mode last night. I've done it in other relationships, but never with Rich before. He typically gets back to me within an hour. I was telling myself to let him contact me, to give him his space, but I decided to try calling him. I called at 6:30. When I didn't hear back from him by 8 I texted just to say hi. Then I didn't hear back again so I called again at 8:30. And I kept calling and texting because then my head went to worst case scenario. I thought he was lying dead somewhere.

 

He finally answered at like 10:30. Of course he saw all of my missed calls and texts and said that's not normal. I tried to explain I hate that I act that way but I seriously got scared. He said if something had happened to him someone would have notified me. I said no one has my number, he said his mom does.

 

He's never ignored me, but I went into crazy panic freak out mode. I hate that I did that. I told myself over and over again that he's never ignored me, he would see my texts/calls and call me back.

 

So our break up now is pretty much permanent. Being friends was killing me because I kept hoping for more. And I couldn't give him his space, I have no idea why. Well, I kinda do...focusing on him and our break up allowed me to take the focus off of me.

 

I said on the call "You said you feel like you don't know me as well as you thought you did....how are you going to get to know me if we don't communicate?" He said he asked for space and doesn't know what he wants right now. He had asked me when we spoke last Thursday if a clean break was what I needed. I said it's not what I want. But last night I admitted it's not what I want but it's what I need. And he realized that. He said keeping me in limbo is hurting me and not allowing me to focus on me. And that's true.

 

If I focus my energy on him and the relationship I don't have to focus on me. But I NEED to focus on me. I need that so badly. I'm seeing an LCSW for free through my employer's Employee Assistance Program. I began seeing a psychologist.

 

A week or two ago I told myself I was going to put my profile back on POF. But, I need to take 3-6 months and work on me...without any external distractions. I think the guy from work is going to leave his girlfriend. We spoke on the phone last night. I need to make it clear to him that I need to focus on me. I can't jump into a relationship with someone right now. That would just be a distraction from what I need to do.

 

I dated Bill in 2012. Our relationship only lasted two months because I was so insecure and full of self-hatred I pushed him away out of fear. Then I tried to do everything in my power to get him back.

 

I dated Erik in 2013, our relationship lasted six months. But he wasn't healthy. With Bill I wasn't healthy, with Erik he wasn't healthy, and I'm still not 100%. Our relationship was very unhealthy.

 

I dated Rich for six months as well. Our relationship was healthy, we had a great time together. But he lacked passion, and I had my guard up. I didn't let him see the insecure side of me, the hurt side of me, who still has so much pain from her past to deal with. I can see it all so clearly. We were compatible except for the sex.

 

It's funny, I brought up what he said on the phone a month ago again, and he said I'm only taking a small part of that conversation...but he won't admit how profound what he said was.

 

We were talking about racism. He specifically said he didnt' agree with his friends Mike and Monique having kids. They are both black. But when they had their son he swore to himself he would do everything in his power to protect him. He has white friends with kids, but he didn't say they shouldn't have kids, he specifically picked out Mike and Monique. I then said do you feel like your Mom shouldn't have had you? And he said he's not suicidal but yes he feels like he would be better off if he wasn't here.

 

That's PROFOUND. How does he not see that? That that shapes his life, the glasses he sees the world through. I never met his friends, but from what he's said about them they are wonderful people. And like I said, he didn't mention his white friends who have kids, only his black friends. So to think that black people, especially GOOD black people, shouldn't have kids...how does he not see how profound that is? How that changes the person he is.

 

But again, that's just me trying to focus on him. I can't focus on him or fixing him...which is common for codependant people who grow up with alcoholics. Like I said in a previous post, he is damaged, but I don't think he desires change. I think this is how he plans on living his life. And it honestly explains why he wasn't passionate about me. Our relationship, while healthy and wonderful, had NO passion. When Erik or Bill would see me, they would be so excited, they woudl take me in their arms and kiss me. Rich NEVER did that.

 

Today is day one of no contact, and focus on me time. Me and healing my past. I did a lot of work in 2012, and I really feel that work has improved my life a lot. But I never finished the work. I got so far and stopped thinking I was fixed. I still have issues and struggles.

 

I told Rich last night I'm terrified he is going to meet someone else and fall madly in love and forget about me. I know it sounds juvenile, but in a break up, the break up just confirms how unloveable I am.

 

I asked him to keep the door open. He said that's the great thing about a door, even if its closed now it can be reopened later. But I don't think he is going to be passionate about life, and therefore can't be passionate about me if we get back together.

 

I need to focus on me. I want to go to an ACoA meeting Sunday. It's early, 8:30, which sucks, but I will go to bed early Saturday (I'm a night owl on weekends), and I'd love to go to an OA meeting during the week. I dont' think I need Alanon as I'm not currently invovled with an alcoholic, my Mom is recovered. I think I need ACoA....and OA.....I need to stop treating my body like this. I need a support group.

 

Here's to day one of the rest of my life!!!!

[t1lersm0m1]

I just googled how to stop thinking about my ex..and found a Cosmopolitan article. I wish I thought to grab the link before I closed the tab....but anyway, it said this, which I think will help:

 

"Focus on the top three reasons why you are better off without him than with him." I'm sure I can come up with three reasons.

 

1. He was not passionate about life in general. I explained in earlier posts, but I will reiterate. We broke up because he is black, my mentally ill mother doesn't approve of our relationship, and I hid how much it was affecting me from him. Approximately a month ago we were talking on the phone, post break up, and he said something really odd. He was talking about racism in life. He then said he didn't feel his friends should have had kids, but when they had their son he swore he would protect him. I asked if he thinks his mother should not have had him. He said he is not suicidal, but yes he feels he would be better off not being here.

 

2. He, like me, has a somewhat hard time trusting people. He had told me on several occassions that he lets very few people in his inner circle. He also, in the beginning, said it was a big deal that he had me to his house, he doesn't have many people to his house. He is closed off. He said I hid who I was, but based on number 1. above he has a hard time with trust and letting people "in". He hid who he was as well. That's a very big deal. Maybe he is ashamed like I am ashamed, of things we both should NOT be ashamed of. But he has never talked about working on himself, and if he truly feels #1 above then he's not really someone I want in my life romantically. I am working on myself....he got upset the two times in the past month I brought up what he said in #1 above.

 

3. This somewhat ties to number 1 above, but our sex was awful. It was robotic. Erik and I had AMAZING sex. Mindblowing sex. It was pretty bad with Rich. He had no sex drive. He claimed he has low testosterone. That is a fixable ailment. There are treatments. But he never looked into it, and seemed like he couldn't care less. He had several different excuses. First it was he had shoulder surgery and was in pain. Then when that excuse was over it was well I havent' been in a relationship in a while so went without it so long its going to take me a while to get used to be in a relationship. Then he would say stuff about it just being sex and our relationship is so much more than sex. I said no, it's not sex, its intimacy, and it's as close as you can be to someone.

 

4. I'm going to add a forth. And this one is HUGE. I desire more children. I'm 37, so is he. But I would love more kids if God was willing. I asked Rich, a general question on our third date, if he met the right woman, not necessarily me, would he be open to having kids. And he said yes, he was open to having one. He was specific about being open to having ONE. Then as time went on I would occassionally bring it up, and he started changing his tune. Just like the sex, he had different excuses and reasons. But if you go back and read #1 above, I believe this is fundamentally the reason, and he deceived me. How could he know back before his friend Monique got pregnant with their baby Mikey that they SHOULD not have kids, but in his own opinion he wanted kids...it makes no sense. Instead I choose to believe he deceived me. I even said to him as he was changing his tune, before our break up happened, "YOu can't imagine me bringing so much happiness into your life that want to bring children into our happy family?"

 

I think i want more kids because by the time I got pregnant with my son, and later married his father, I knew I didn't love his father. But I married him hoping he woudl chaneg and grow up and become responsible financially. And of course he never did.

 

I want more kids, with a man I love, who makes me feel desireable. If my body, or his body, won't allow us to have children for whatever reason I can accept that and live with it. I would say a higher power said it should not be. But I want to find a man who is open to having kids, and trying. And Rich was not that man.

 

I'm learning and growing. I look forward to my counseling appointment tomorrow.

[t1lersm0m1]

Today is May 29. I will not consider posting my profile on a dating site or accepting a date until AT the VERY LEAST August 29. I may even go longer, but I will not do it before then. If I enter into another relationship, I will be doing it for all of the wrong reasons. I initially considered a year, but I am going to start with three months and see how I feel. If I need to extend it to six months or even longer, then I will.

 

I'm doing pretty well with dating, aside from the whole staying with men who don't make me happy thing. There's THAT..which isn't a little thing. But in the actual throws of a relationship, I do well. It's the break ups I need to work on.

[t1lersm0m1]

Rich and I have been broken up 6 weeks, but two nights ago it became final. Today is day 2 of no contact. I feel much better today than yesterday. I don't think I'm healed, I know I have a ways to go, and plan to stick on healing and working on me for three months before I consider dating.

 

I told my Mom last night that Rich and I are over for good. She texted me after I left her house and said she's sorry for everything. Today she asked how I am, then said she shouldn't ask cuz she knows how I am. I said I'm good. I then went on to say "Everything happens for a reason.: She said "Me?" I said this is good for all of us. She said "All of us?" I said yes. I said We all need this. She said we all need this? I said yes absolutely.

 

She's so mentally ill. I can't expect her to be at the point I'm at with everything. I've grown and learned so much.

 

This break up is hard, but it's not meant to be easy. With each man I date I learn what I want and what I don't want. And each man sets the bar higher and higher. I will no longer settle for scraps. I know I sacrificed passion with Rich, but he truly treated me wonderfully, and regardless of the reason, the relationship ended.