My journey to self-love and healing

[t1lersm0m1]

Two years ago I had no idea what the phrase finding myself meant. It sounded like a cliche. I'm sometimes angry that it took me till my mid thirties to begin this journey, but then I realize there are people older than me who haven't, and there are people who never do. I can't compare myself to others. I can be proud that I'm on this journey now. I look at the world so much differently than I did two years ago, and probably a year or two from now I will feel so much further along.

 

I love myself. I'm loving and loveable. I deserve love and happiness, and a man who will cherish me.

[t1lersm0m1]

So I struggled with blocking rich on my phone until we broke up for good on Wednesday. He is blocked.

 

I went to block him on Facebook, but he already blocked me. I know it makes no sense whatsoever, but it hurts that he blocked me. I'm only doing it so I'm not tempted to look him up....not because I don't want him to see my page. But I feel really hurt that he blocked me.

 

It's just a stupid social media page, it's quite meaningless. I don't live and die by Facebook. He had everything private anyway.

 

I feel so dumb for feeling this way.

 

Anyway, I do feel better daily. I was angry with him today, he didn't think I was worth fighting for. I fought for us, but he said if he knew there would be a fight he would never have gotten involved with me. The night we broke up, April 15, I told him I could no longer provide him an easy life. I now believe that is 100% true. I said it that night out of anger but I believe from the bottom of my heart he wants an easy life. Well good luck to him with finding it!

[jjkk]

Don't feel dumb for feeling like that. I totally get it! My ex bf (I broke up w/ him even) unfriended me on FB and I felt a bit sad over it. I thought the same thing, how dumb that I even care but I did! It's normal. I'm glad you're feeling a bit better today.

[t1lersm0m1]

Thanks, it feels silly to feel hurt that he blocked me since that's what I was about to do to him. I get it though. I only feel my pain. I know he cared and he must be in pain as well. He has every right to do what is best for him and his healing.

 

I'm multi tasking right now. I'm on hold whole typing this so I can't really give it 100% if my focus. But I went to my first Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting today and it was wonderful. I plan to go every week that I am able to go.

 

I also plan on joining Over eaters Anonymous this week. I'm tired of struggling with my weight. I'm ready to do what it takes to get physically healthy.

 

I'll write more later as my son and I are going to lunch at a friend's house.

 

Don't feel dumb for feeling like that. I totally get it! My ex bf (I broke up w/ him even) unfriended me on FB and I felt a bit sad over it. I thought the same thing, how dumb that I even care but I did! It's normal. I'm glad you're feeling a bit better today.

[t1lersm0m1]

I am an amazing, wonderful, imperfect work in progress. "I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes." I really want to get a piercing, a tattoo, and do something off the wall with my hair. I feel like I need a change. I'm going to OA tomorrow. The biggest change I want to make is getting healthy, FOR ME, no one else BUT ME.

 

I can't change the past. I can't change things I've done, or things that were done to me. But I can learn from the past, and I can grow.

[t1lersm0m1]

Good lord, what on earth was I thinking taking three accelerated courses at once. I really seriously need to have my head examined. My Basic Statistics class is H A R D. I went for an oil change Saturday and worked on my weekly homework for half an hour. Got home and continued working for another 3-4 hours. Went to court today for my volunteer work, and spent about 15 minutes before court doing the homework, then another half an hour at work on a break.

 

That's JUST ONE CLASS.

 

Luckily my Philosphy is really easy. They had me take PHL 200 first, then PHL 100. So with PHL 200 under my belt, PHL 100 (Intro to Philosophy) is really really easy. We have to read a chapter in the book, read the instructor's notes, then do a discussion board post, respond to two other people's posts, and take a quiz. Week one we had to take a relatively easy exam. This week he had us do two chapters and two discussion board posts, plus a quiz. From start to finish I would say it was less than 3 hours.

 

For my Basic Statistics, I go to school for 3.75 hours, WITH NO BREAK (he starts teaching right at 6 and goes straight through to 9:45). Then I had what, about 5 hours of homework? That's INSANE.

 

I am also taking Business Statistics, or Quantitative Methods. That teacher doesn't give a lot of work, but I was looking at the homework, which I thought was due last night, and THANK GOODNESS it't not due until THIS Sunday at midnight. WOOOO. Cause it's a difficult excel spreadsheet with complicated data, and I just stared at the screen for two hours last night trying to figure it out.

 

I AM BRAIN FRIED, and only two weeks of class are down.

 

So I got a copper IUD inserted a few weeks ago. Rich and I talked about me going on birth control, and I started looking into it before the break up. Once we broke up, I figured I would still get it.

 

Well, my discharge has changed a few times since then. Now I feel like I have a yeast infection. It's driving me bonkers. It started to feel better but now not so much. I am going to wait a day or so, and if it doesn't feel better get some over the counter stuff. Once I get my period I have to call the doctor and set up an appointment for them to make sure my body doesn't expel the IUD. I need to remember to tell them how my discharge has changed. One day it was slimy, a few days later it has a very very slight pink hugh to it....today it's more of a red hugh, almost like blood, but not blood from my menstrual cycle.

 

I don't know what's going on. I did read online that the discharge is normal. I'm not sure about the (what I suspect to be a) yeast infection.

 

I would like more kids. Rich said on our third date he was open to having ONE. Then he kept flip flopping. One day he said he didn't want to have the discussion with someone he's not married to. (OK, how are we supposed to move forward if we arent' on the same page)? Then another day he woudl say he's old and set in his ways, can't imagine having kids. He kept flip flopping. THen when I told him my Mom was difficult and didn't approve based on his race back in December, he later (in January or February) said if we had kids he would NEVER want them around my Mom.

 

Then when he told me he didn't think Mike and Monique should have kids, it makes sense. He didn't ever want kids of his own, that's why he was flip flopping and saying he didn't want to talk to a woman who is not his wife about it.

 

He also asked if I was open to adoption, which I felt odd. Usually people talk about adoption if one or both parties can't conceive.

 

I have to begin to accept in my heart that he was not the right man for me. And that although what happened SUCKED in the worst possible way, everything happens for a reason. Every cloud has a silver lining.

 

I need time to heal, and I need to process this in my own way. With time I will come to accept that I needed to move out on my own with my son, this break up needed to happen, and I needed to heal my past and grow emotionally.

[t1lersm0m1]

I have to come here and read and re-read what I asked others. Here's the thread:

 

 

 

I loved Rich, but I wasn't happy. The part that I need to read and understand and really grasp with my FEELINGS is this:

 

Me

 

I hope you guys read this and reply.

 

I have such a hard time. There are things I can understand logically in my mind, but not emotionally in my heart. This is one of them.

 

On Sunday April 13 when rich said he had to think about things, I said I'm willing to fight for you and this relationship, why aren't you willing to fight for me? His reply was if I knew it was going to be a fight I wouldn't have gotten involved with you.

 

Tuesday April 15 when he said he doesn't see how we can be together in our current circumstances (my mother didn't approve cuz he's black and I was living with her at the time) I said to him, out of anger, I could provide an easy life to you, now I can no longer provide that. Although I said it in anger, in hindsight I believe it's true.

 

A very eye opening comment comes on a Saturday in late April. We were talking about racism and he told me a story. After the story he said he didn't agree with his friends (who are black) having kids but when they had their son he swore he would do everything in his power to protect him.

 

I said do you think your mom made a mistake having you? His reply was, I'm not suicidal but I think I would be better off not being here.

 

That explains so much. It explains why our relationship lacked passion. He lacks a passion for life. And a big part of me knows that with my codependence if we got back together I'd probably try to fix him.

 

I told him I'm angry with him but he doesn't feel I have a right to be.

 

I know I can't control his actions but I'm sooo angry with him for turning his back on me and not being willing to work it out.

 

Please tell me, only if you feel it is true, that based on his views of life, that I am better off without him. I need to know this in my heart, not just in my head.

 

Reply 1

 

The way I see it, without sex you're basically roommates.

 

Without great sex, you may be little more than F-buddies.

 

Reply 2

 

He doesn't like the color of his skin, OP. He hates his life as a black man, finds it difficult and challenging. And then we have your racist mother and the problems that it caused within the relationship...Shoot, there goes yet another reason for him to think his life as a black guy sucks.

 

With that mindset, I don't blame him for taking a walk. I'm a white woman and I'm not going to pretend to understand the challenges that black men or women face personally. I only know what it is like to be in interracial relationships(that has its own set of challenges). I don't know what he deals with, what he has dealt with, what he's been taught, I don't know, and you don't even know.

 

So with that said, to expect passion from someone whose esteem is crippled in this way is like trying to get blood from a stone. Of course he would not 'fight'. He doesn't like his life, and then he got gobsmacked with a reminder of why he doesn't like it to begin with.

 

There's nothing you can do about that. You know you can't fix that.

 

Reply 3

 

Wow, that is a heavy burden that man has put on his own shoulders. No wonder he feels so beaten down.

 

Maybe the two of you were more matched to be friends from the beginning. It doesn't seem like a compatible love match, to me.

 

Congrats on finding a new home!! That's really fabulous. It's totally understandable you will feel sad about this for a while, but it sure sounds like you already know what the right thing for yourself to do is.

 

 

 

 

 

I understand it logically, I just need my heart to catch up. Our relationship is over. You know that saying, "reason, season or lifetime?" Rich entered my life for a reason. I dated him knowing my Mom would not approve. While I couldn't foresee the vicious away she attacked me, the terrible things she said, or the fact that in our six month relationship she would throw me out twice, I knew there would be conflict.

 

This gave me the push I need to say enough is enough! The way she treated me was NOT ok! I am the adult child of an alcoholic. I was her enabler, I was codependant because of the way I was raised. I should not be showing my son that being treated this way is OK!

 

Rich and I weren't happy, but he gave me the push I needed to move out and get out and be on my own (with my son). It terrified me, being the only one responsible for us. Absolutely terrified me. But I CAN DO THIS. I am more than capable.

 

And now I've begun attending ACoA meetings and intend to continue. I'm back in therapy. So much positive has come out of this relationship with Rich. Even though I stayed in a relationship that was not making me happy, it gave me what I needed to motivate me to say my life is my life and I will live it the way I see fit. And I will raise my son the way I see fit. And I will take care of my home the way I see fit.

[t1lersm0m1]

Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA) are reactors. I am bad with taking action, but I usually react to situations. That makes complete sense. I'm about 15% of the way through the ACoA book according to my Kindle, and SOOO many eye openers.

 

I always thought that being abused and raped had the biggest impact in my life, but I think my mother's alcoholism and our family's dysfunction had an even bigger impact.

 

I know I have a lot of demons to deal with.

 

I'm not really digging my psychologist. The first thing was, she never told me she expected payment up front. I understand she has to earn a living, but we spoke on the phone before my first appointment. She did say she checked into my deductible and that I haven't met it yet, but she never said "I charge $170 and expect payment at each session."

 

So after the first session she said "Your deductible is $750, you've met $3XX.XX towards your deductible, my fee is $170.00." Then she smiled at me sweetly. I looked at her like, yeah, ok? And she said "I accept check...." and I said "Oh, I pay you today?" She said yes. I explained to her that although she charges $170, my insurance will tell her the "Amount Allowed" which will be less. She said I haven't met my deductible, I said that hasn't mattered, they will still write your amount down to whatever their allowed amount is. She still made me pay the $170.

 

Before telling me to pay her we had made another appointment for the following week (weekly appts). I said to her we better change that appt because I can't afford $170 weekly. She said she was willing to work with me and bill me for the rest, what was I willing to pay? I said $50 (but even that's too much).

 

So second session was yesterday. I get to a pivotal part, and she says "Let's pause there." I look at my watch, then her clock. She stopped us at 50 minutes. AND AND AND, I had just said something significant. So you're going to bill me $170 for an hour, but only let me talk 50 minutes? I didn't say a word. Then I said "We agreed on $50, right?" She said yes, so I wrote out the check.

 

She said, sweet and innocent again "I will see you next week" (meaning Monday at the same time, 5:00 PM).

 

I looked at her and said "Let's make it two weeks (because of the $)".

 

She said "I'm concerned about the work." So I said, Ok, see you in a week.

 

This woman called me back after I submitted an internet request, like within 15-30 minutes of the request. She is pushing me to pay up front, which again, I understand, but I just moved out on my own and have to figure out how to budget and everything...and now she is making me feel like I ABSOLUTELY have to go weekly.

 

Plus she told me I need to stop seeing her or the LCSW because it's a conflict for me, I may start "splitting", which I can understand after she explained that.

 

I feel like I should cancel next week's appointment, keep seeing the LCSW for my remaining 4 free EAP sessions, and then maybe once I look at my finances, go back to the psychologist.

[t1lersm0m1]

I don't know why I have such struggles. Well, I do, I just wish I could change it. I'm working on me, so hopefully, I WILL change it. I have to take this time to FULLY focus on me and my healing. Not from the break up, but from my childhood. I had already promised myself I would take three months before dating again. And I just red in the Big Red Book of Adult Children of Alcoholics that I should not be dating right now anyway. And deep down inside I know this. I either stay in unhealthy relationships, or if I find a healthy one, I self-sabotage. And I will continue to struggle with that unless I focus on healing.

 

I JUST realized something this morning. While I enjoy these revelations of mine, I wish they would come MUCH sooner.

 

Although Erik was unhealthy, we were unhealthy together, and he was still in love with his wife so he was unable to give me what I deserved, I know in my heart I loved him. The fact our relationship wasn't healthy doesn't change the fact that I loved him. I felt passion from him. Even at the end of our six month relationship, I still got excited to see him. I felt passion when we kissed. I felt emotional when we said we loved each other. I FELT the love when we said those words. Now, in hindsight I don't think he loved me, and as I said, our relatinoship was not healthy, but I did love him. I truly, from the bottom of my heart, did.

 

With Rich, it was different. And not really different in a good way. Let me preface this with Rich was a WONDERFUL man. He was respectful, he paid for our dates, he sent me flowers, he planned a beautiful Valentine's Day, he even spent HOURS shoveling in order not to cancel our Valentine's Day plans (he lives in the Poconos, up in the mountains he got 8 inches of snow that day, he was still recovering from shoulder surgery he had prior to Christmas, he wasn't released to work because he has to life 70+ pounds to be able to do his job, so he went out and shoveled his truck out several times while the snow kept piling up). I told him we could reschedule, but he would have nothing of that. He was going to make sure our plans were not canceled. I went to Florida about 6 weeks into our relationship, since it was early in our relationship I didn't get him a souvenier (in hindsight, I should have). I come back from Florida and he bought me a large Mickey, I'd say he's at least 24" tall.

 

I got sworn into court before Christmas for my volunteer work. It was right before his shoulder surgery. He wanted to come watch me get sworn in cause he thought it was a big deal. Then at the end he realized (thank God, because I never thought of it) that because it was family court, and involved minors, he probably wouldn't be allowed in there. He had his shoulder surgery the next day and I never even thought to take the day off of work so I could be there for him, again it was still early in our realtionship, about 8 weeks. So he was going to go to boring court for me, because he knew it was important to me, but I never offered to take time off of work to go to his surgery.

 

This man was wonderful to me.

 

But with that being said, we lacked passion. I already explained why previously. There was no passion. I even said to him that I felt more like a companion....almost like Walter Mathau and Jack Lemmon in Grumpy Old Men (only with occassional sex LOL).

 

Rich took me to see Frozen in February, before Valentine's Day. I remember thinking, wow this guy is great, taking me to see an animated Disney movie because he knows how much I love them. And I thought to myself, I love this man. But then later I thought to myself, I don't FEEL it when I say I love him. We hadn't said we loved each other yet, and I wanted so desperately to love him. I said it first on Valentine's Day. But I NEVER felt it when we said it to each other. There was something missing. I didn't get excited to see him. Not in the beginning, and not as our relationship progressed. I didn't FEEL the love when we said we loved each other. I didn't get goosebumps when we kissed, not the first time, not ever. I didn't get that tingly feeling, that excited, amazing feeling I got with Erik.

 

Why do I settle for less than I deserve? I did it with Erik, and I did it with Rich. I loved Erik, but I knew he couldn't love me while he still loved his wife, and that's something I figured out before the relationship ended. And our relatinship was very unhealthy!

 

With Rich, there was no chemistry, no passion. I enjoyed his company, but just as friends. He was a guy friend who paid for dates. And deep down I know he is damaged also, and maybe that's why we didn't have the passion, and maybe the lack of passion was the reason I never got excited to see him, and never FELT the love between us. He said he loved me, even after we broke up...

 

I love relevelations, I just wish I would make them sooner

 

This is my journey, and I guess I have to be READY for things to happen, and I wasn't ready for our break up. I should have left Erik. I should have left Rich. Instead they both left me, and it triggered my abandonment issues. And then it confirms my fears deep down inside...that I am unloveable and undeserving of love. I know in my head this is not true, but I feel it in my heart. And that's why I need to take this time to work on myself.

 

I need to stop having sex with random men. It leaves me feeling awful afterward. Plus if my son ever found out, that's not the kind of mother I want him to have. I think that innocent, consentual sex is fine, but I seek it out online as a way to hurt myself. And I know it's wrong.

 

I'm on this beautiful journey. It's full of pain and sorrow, but it's my journey. And i know in my heart I'm a good person, I just have to really work towards knowing it all of the time, in all ways.

[t1lersm0m1]

The psychologist I am seeing rubs me the wrong way. So I called at 1:32 PM from my work phone to cancel our appointment for Monday, June 9 at 5:00 PM. I am writing this here so I can referene it because I truly think she is motivated by money and I'm paranoid she will bill me for a missed appointment claiming she never got my message. This way I have record of it here and I can go back to my conversation history in Outlook so I have proof of the call.

 

Yeah, call me paranoid, but seriously, she rubs me the wrong way.

[jjkk]

As much money as you're paying for her, if you don't feel like you're getting your money's worth and you aren't comfortable w/ her overall, I'd find another psychologist.

[t1lersm0m1]

Thanks, I actually decided to do just that. Here's my plan:

 

Continue seeing LCSW. FORCE myself to dig deeper and talk about the hard topics. I think I am going to make a list of my issues, my SERIOUS issues (she knows about the rape and abuse and my Mom, but there's other points I want to talk about), and really dig deep at these sessions. I have four free ones left, and then it's $85 each session after that. We actually talk for an hour, unless I run out of things to say (that rarely happens), and even with $85 I know the insurance is going to chew it down to maybe a little more than half.

 

I started going to Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings. After starting reading the book,I really think the meetings, the steps and workbook will be good for me.

 

I also want to join Overeater's Anonymous. Food is my drug. I was 293, got down to 239 (I'm only 5'3") and I yo yo between 239 and 260. I really need to get to a healthy weight and stop using food to numb my emotional pain.

[jjkk]

Sounds like a great plan! Can't wait to hear how it goes for you. Best wishes.

[t1lersm0m1]

In my head I know that I am loveable, deserving of love. But in my heart, I don't. And when you weren't willing to fight for me and this relationship, it confirmed, in my mind, that I'm not deserving of love and a loving relationship.

 

But I have to tell myself that that is YOUR issue, not mine. I was wonderful to you, our break up had everything to do wtih my mother and her feelings about you, but you walked away anyway. You told me you would be better off not being here. With that mindset, you can't be passionate about life, or about me. That's why we had problems with intimacy. But I was willing to settle for a relationship that while good, was not making me happy. I need to stop settling. I deserve happiness. No relationship will ever be perfect, and while you treatd me great, I should have ended our relationship.

 

I deserve someone who will be passionate about me. Someone who, when the going gets tough, doesn't get going. Someone that thinks love, and ME, are worth fighting for. I deserve that darn it!

 

I would have tried changing you. I"m codependant, and it's what I do. I tried changing Erik, although I thought I was trying to "help" him...it was really trying to change him.

 

I do not do well with a lack of control. You took that to mean I wanted to control you. I never, in six months, tried controlling you. Not when you called me and said some girl you met once tagged you in pics on facebook. Other insecure women would have flipped off...I could care less. I knew you were my man, and that I mattered to you. So if some insecure chick wanted to try and cause drama, she can waste her time.

 

You thought that your WONDERFUL friends, who you had nothing but wonderful things to say about, should not have children. How can you think that? That right there tells me how damaged you are. You think that black people should not have kids.

 

No wonder you weren't willing to fight for me. For us, for our relationship. You lack passion, and how can you fight for anything without passion?

 

You weren't passionate about me. But that's not because of me, that's because of you.

[t1lersm0m1]

In 2012 I started this journey. I worked on my self-esteem, and I can truly say that I'm a much better person today than I was two years ago.

 

But I never realized how much being the adult child of an alcoholic shaped the woman I am today. It's funny, I never really call myself a woman. I usually refer to myself as a girl. Because deep down inside, I'm still a frightened little girl.

 

So when I was with Erik, I had planned a party at my Mom's house. That was May 2013. I was so excited because it was going to be the first time he met all of my dear friends. It was like our relationship coming out party. That wasn't really what it was, it was a Cinco De Mayo party. I used to have them when I was married and shared a home with my ex husband. I loved the excuse to cook/eat Mexican food and drinks.

 

I spent Thursday night at Erik's and called off from work Friday. I said to him before I left (he lives 45 minutes away from me), do you want me to take the salsa (it was his contribution to the party) in case something comes up and you can't make it? He said no, I'll be there.

 

Long story short, I get a call from him around noon on Saturday, he's not sure he can make it to the party. The reason he gave me was lame. Even though I worked on my confidence in 2012, this threw me into abandonment mode. I initially thought something bad happened to someone......when he said he wasn't sure he can make it my heart when in my chest jumping to the worst case scenario. When he told met he reason, I immediately hung up on him. About a minute later I began calling him, and at first he wouldn't answer. He probably answered on the 5th call. I literally started crying, saying how excited I was about him meeting my friends. I started crying!!! Someone in their right state of mind would have said to him, "Well, I'm sorry you can't make it, you're going to miss a GREAT party, I'll talk to you later." But no, that's not how I reacted.

 

Then, anytime he and I had any kind of misunderstanding or disagreement, he would IGNORE me, which drove my abandonment issues into high gear. I would do anything in my power to try to get him to talk to me. A person in their right mind would have said ok, I called once, he'll see I called and call me back. But in my abandonment, I act irrationally.

 

I have grown much better since then.

 

I don't just introduce any man to my son. Rich and I started dating in October, he met Tyler quickly New Year's when we had to pick Tyler up from his gf's house and take him to my Mom's (at the time my home). But then in March I wanted to try to plan a day for us to spend a day together. The three of us, so they could get to know each other. Well, the one weekend I planned, Tyler's father switched his weekend to that weekend, so we had to reschedule. Then something came up on our end again that we had to reschedule. So we are gonig to do it another weekend and Rich tells me he wants to go see his mom because his doctor released him to go back to work the following week and he hadn't seen her in a while.

 

I didn't go into full blown abandonment, but I overreacted. I used my buzzwords that mean I'm angry, I said Fine, Sure, and a bunch of stuff. I just got really quiet on the phone. I later texted him and told him there was a reason and I would explain when we saw each other the next day for dinner. Well, he brought it up and I chickened out and didn't tell him about my mother being a recovered alcoholic, how that affects me as an adult, and my abandonment issues.

 

In my defense, there were things Rich didn't tell me either. Neither one of us were our true selves. I still insist that thinking you are better off not being alive, really shapes who you are and how you see the world. He doesn't agree. He hid his true self. We both did it.

 

This is all a journey, and it's my journey. Although I hate the time and the distance, I am really looking forward to my Adult Childrent of Alcoholics meeting on Sunday. I shared about 10 minutes of my background in the "share" time at my first meeting, and they were so supportive after the meeting. They hugged me, said they hope I come back, and one woman said she identified with SO much I said.

 

I'm about 22% through the book Adult Children of Alcoholics. Honestly, for about 85% of the content I've read thusfar, it's like someone had a window into my soul. I bookmarked so much in my Kindle. I plan on going back to the bookmarks and taking notes, so I know what I want to talk about at my share on Sunday.

[t1lersm0m1]

Well, I finished my Philosphy homework! WOO HOO. So now I only have my other class, who's name presently escapes me, oh Quantitative Methods, to finish this weekend. I will NEVER save all of my homework for the weekend again. My last weekend was almost ruined by it. I was exhausted.

 

Here's to a great weekend!

[t1lersm0m1]

Darn, I started typing and my kindle died and it didn't save what I had typed. At least I wasn't too far in.

 

I'm a third of the way through the first thirty days no contact with Rich. I plan to keep counting until day ninety.

 

Part of me wants to contact him to tell him I'm ready to be friends so I can tell him our break up was a good thing because we are incompatible. Part of me wants to yell at him and tell him that love and especially me are worth fighting for!!! Part of me wants to get him to talk to me so he'll want to get back together so I can hurt him.

 

These are all knee jerk feelings and I won't act on any of them. I will continue no contact for at least ninety days..If not forever.

 

I also have at least eighty days before I will entertain the idea of dating anyone.

 

I love my apartment and being on my own but I'd love to buy a home next year. I made a significant amount of money on our companies stock purchase plan last year. It's a risk free way to invest in the company and in my future. I want to try and pay my cell phone for the year (I'm on straight talk), and my renters insurance and car insurance so I don't have those monthly bills. That will be money I can put away in the stock purchase plan towards buying a home next year.

 

I'm really excited about my ACOA journey. I finally feel like there's a name for my problems and why I struggle with romantic relationships. I want to read the big red book once before I start on the twelve steps. This will take longer than I thought for there are over 600 pages.

 

For once in my life I feel like I have direction.

[t1lersm0m1]

Productive day without as much relaxation as yesterday. Went to my second ACOA meeting. I love it there. I feel like all of the pieces have fallen in place for me. I have a lot of work to do but at least have some direction.

 

Then I went to a nearby park and took my dslr. There's a gorge, waterfall, treehouse and other unique features. I got great pictures. I need to make it a point to go out once or twice a week and photograph nature. It's a great past time I love. I would love to improve my skills using the camera, the different lenses and the fun gadgets I bought for it last year.

 

I took Tyler to his girlfriend's house. I did my quantitative methods homework. Now I'm taking a relaxing bath while reading/updating ENA.

 

I can't wait until some of these classes are done. Three at one time is way too many. I'm exhausted between that, work, my volunteer work and trying to improve my emotional health. I need a break.

[jjkk]

Wow, that park sounds beautiful! Sounds like a great day.

[t1lersm0m1]

ENA in a break up becomes a bit of an addiction to me. I feel like I have to limit my daily time in here. It becomes all consuming. I have so much going on in my life and yet I spend hours on here. I love summer, especially after the horrible winter we had. I should be outside enjoying the summer, not spending hours on ENA.

 

Although I struggle, I love my life. I look forward to finding a wonderfully fulfilling relationship, once I'm ready.

[t1lersm0m1]

Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. I've been so busy at work the last three days I barely had time to breathe let alone read Ena. I look forward to the weekend. I want yo go to local state parks I've never been to and play with my camera.

 

I deserve so much more in a man than I've found thus far. I'm glad I'm taking this time to work on myself and do this soul searching.

 

Here's to my growth.

[t1lersm0m1]

My biggest fear in life is that I will be meaningless and forgotten. I think that's why I take break ups so hard. That and if course my codependent tendencies.

 

An ex is on his way here for a booty call. He was the first good guy I dated after my ex husband. I was so devastated when out short two month relationship ended. Now he just kinda annoys me. Sex is something I use for a while thinking I'll feel better, then I only feel shame afterward. After this weekend I'm done. I'm not a sex addict, I just know I use it add an escape/release and only feel bad afterward. So after this weekend I will only have sex in a relationship.

 

My therapist who I stopped seeing asked if I dream and asked me to write them down. So I'll write them here.

 

About a month ago I dreamed I said to rich marry me and he said ok. That's all...just that.

 

A few days ago I dreamed I was at richs and he looked out the window and a river was flooding and was about to come through his window and sweep us away. He grabbed me and held onto me when the river crashed through the window and saved my life. When I told people about it I told them it happened at riches house. He found out I told people and felt it was his fault since it happened at his house. My mom found out he felt guilty and told me so I can fix it.

 

Now in real life there is no river near richs house and in real life my mom was partially responsible for the break up. It was just a really odd dream.

 

Last night I dreamed that Erik finally spoke to me. (In real life he's been on radio silence since our break up nine months ago, while I had a hard time with no contact). I was at his apartment and we had just made love. We were laying in his bed and I was very sad because I was thinking of how much I missed rich.

 

So back to real life, I'm not even sure I loved rich. He was a wonderful man and treated me great...But we lacked that passion and I even told him I felt more like companions. I did love Erik even though our relationship was unhealthy and he didn't love me because he wasn't over his wife.

 

I feel so much hope after finding ACOA. It's the missing piece of the puzzle to my life. I finally feel like I have direction. I'm finally taking the time to heal from my past before trying to find a new man to fill the void that only I can fill myself. Even though I'm at the being of my healing, I feel leaps and bounds above where I was a few short months ago.

 

Happy weekend.

[t1lersm0m1]

The dream about rich was actually similar to one I had about Erik last year in May when we were fighting. I had a dream he had someone have me and Tyler go to the beach. When we got there the makings of a beach wedding were set up. But a tidal wave came and washed it all away. That was weird.

 

Last night I dreamed of rich again. I can't recall what the dream entailed, just that I woke up and thought darn you rich for not being in my life.

 

I know my worth, I know what I deserve. As wonderful as rich was to me we were lacking an intimate connection and it bothered me. He didn't make me feel desirable.

 

This is my time to work on me and try to unscrew my screwed up head.

[t1lersm0m1]

I don't know if typing my dreams out here is causing me to dream more, but I dreamt of Rich again last night. It's really getting annoying too. I woke up again thinking darn Rich why are we apart? I know why, I just wish I understood. I know time will bring me relief and much clarity.

 

I don't have the desire to contact him. There's that. I know in the end I will be better off after I've healed.

 

So, about the dream. I had a hard time remembering it when I woke, then it came to me later. Rich and I were together together, as in not broken up. And someone raped me. I told him about it, and even named the man who did it. The man was later arrested for raping someone else. So everyone knew I was telling the truth. But then somehow Rich and I broke up. And he sent me this big long email about all of the things in our relationship that bothered him. So I replied to his email asking if he wanted me to go away for good. He din't give me an answer, but sent me a picture of me and him, and I took it to mean no, he didn't want me to go away for good.

 

I don't know if I'm having these dreams because I think of him during the day, or if this is the universe telling me Rich and I aren't done, or if he's putting this energy out there, saying he still wants me in his life.

 

Oh, I'm just being a fool. It's option A...I think of him, therefore I dream of him. But all of the dreams, except for last night (which kinda ended on a hopeful note) had a positive spin to them.

[t1lersm0m1]

In a really sad, sick, demented way, my mentally ill/racist mother did me a favor. I will never admit this.

 

Rich hit the road at the first sign of trouble. Our break up had nothing to do with either of us, and everything to do with my mother. BUT....she didn't hold a gun to his head and force him to break up with me. That was his choice....he chose that course of action.

 

I was confused, and he knew I was. And I was confused with good reason. First he said we couldn't be together while I lived with my mother. Then he said maybe if Tyler wasn't involved we could, but "every time she puts you out, she puts him out." So then a few weeks later I tell him I'm moving out, and the story changes to "I'm focusing on what I have to do around the house right now and getting my cousin moved and situated."

 

I need to stop thinking of Rich. I wish I could. I know he was not making me happy, regardless of whether he was a good guy or not, he wasn't making me happy. And when times got hard, he took off. Headed for the hills.

 

I really need to stop making excuses and go to Overeater's Anonymous. I need to stop doing this to my body. I have arthritis in my knees. I love the outdoors. I went to another state park today, and had a hard time with small hills and uneven surfaces with roots sticking out. With my arthritis I'm so afraid of falling I walk very slowly.

 

I must be walking funny on my left foot because every day my left foot kills me. I"m thinking my knee is bothering me, but I'm so used to it bothering me I don't even notice it. But I notice the pain in my foot daily, which I assume means I'm walking funny, which is causing me foot pain.

 

I have to stop using food as my drug. I need to go to OA, heal from my past, and stop doing this to myself. I'm morbidly obese. There are all sorts of health risks that come with that. Not to mention the pain and discomfort of arthritis in both knees, which causes the pain in my foot. I have daily back pain. When will I stop abusing my body like this?