My journey to self-love and healing

[t1lersm0m1]

CELEBRATE good times come on, let's celebrate!

 

I just emailed my Statistics teacher my final homework. That class is officially behind me. I really want an A, because first off it's awesome, and second off my company pays 100% for tuition reimbursement if I get an A. Right now I'm at 92.6, which is barely an A. After first weeks' homework I made dumb mistakes and I was at a 90. Then I went up to high 90's. 3rd homework I was at 96.1, 4th homework I went down to 93, 5th homework I'm down to 92.6. Hopefully I pull off the A. I'm just so thrilled that class is behind me. I plan to do laundry tonight and finish my online Philosophy class. Then I just have Quantative Methods, which goes through August 8 I believe. I have until July 11 to decide if I want to drop my Human Resources class which begins July 7th to get a 100% refund/cancelation.

 

I got my stuff in for my Pell grant, so it was initialy $1900+ but with my paperwork it went down to $1700+, but it's still $1700 I will not have to pay for school.

 

I'm a very happy girl right now.

 

I have to come back later and write my Step 1 stuff. NEED to stay on track!

[Seraphim]

It really is. I used to be a completely different person two years ago. I was jealous and envious of others. I held onto grudges. I was still in a victim mentality, always waiting for something bad to happen. I was my own worst enemy. Two years ago I worked on my self-esteem and that has really helped. I was still struggling last year so Iooked into volunteering to give myself a better sense of fulfillment in my life. I googled and found CASA.

 

I still feel like I have a long way to go, but I know I'm on a good road.

 

You're doing a good thing! I was a foster parent for a number of years and my mother still is ,she has been doing it for 15 years now. Helping children is such a worthwhile thing to do. Children are our future.

[Seraphim]

My mom told me she wants to go backpacking. But there's just no way. She has a herniated disc in her back with pretty nasty sciatica as a symptom. Whenever we go out to a store, she needs to sit and rest fairly often just to get the pressure off, or lean against a shopping cart.

 

I cracked up when she told me. I said Mom, there's no way! You would be saying "I gotta lean" every 3 minutes. Oh, she cracks me up. I don't think she is serious, she gets on her weird kicks of wanting to do things she perceives as exotic or learning an instrument. Then she drops the habit 20 minutes later.

 

 

I, on the other hand, would really like to do that if not for bugs. Hate bugs.

My mother has a horrendous back as well. She has three herniated discs in her back , degenerative osteoarthritis in her neck and back , broke her back three times. My mom can barely walk for 10 minutes straight and when she does she has to lean on a cart to walk distances. She also has severe rheumatoid arthritis.

 

Me ,I would love to backpack. I have one bum knee but I think I could do it. I kind of miss the army life. We used to walk with our house on our back for weeks and weeks at a time. One year I spent 4 1/2 months living outside.

[Seraphim]

I was also going to tell you that you are doing awesome for yourself despite the poor start in life that you had.

[t1lersm0m1]

Awww, thank you! I'm still a work in progress. I've really tried to give my life more meaning. I'm not super happy in my job, and don't make a lot of money to support myself (I make enough though, so not complaining). I do the volunteer work to feel more fulfilled, and go to college so I can make more money to do more traveling and give back to others.

 

Yes, children really are our future. How people can abuse them is beyond me. After my mom drank, I swore my son would never see me drunk. And I think he only saw me drunk once. I'm sure I've done other things to screw him up, like staying with his Dad far too long.

 

Oh well, he's a good kid, I must be doing something right.

 

I was also going to tell you that you are doing awesome for yourself despite the poor start in life that you had.

[t1lersm0m1]

I am the adult child of an alcoholic. I said in another post that I feel like that defines me. I want to correct that. This title doesn't define me. But it sure answers a lot of questions....like why am I this way? Why do I feel like the world is going to absolutely end if a man leaves me? Why can I look at others who seem to have happiness come naturally, while I struggle daily? Why do I allow people to treat me poorly? Why don't people love me? Why don't people want to be with me?

 

ACA doesn't define me. But I hit my rock bottom two years ago. I pushed a good man away. We were only together two months and I felt like I would absolutely DIE from the heartache of that break up. I can only imagine what my posts would look like if I had found ENA back then. I was so filled with anxiety. I would wake up in the middle of the night and be awake for hours. If my phone would go off I would hope and pray it was him...only to see it was my Mom trying to cheer me up (she was a big reason that relationship ended as well, however I wasn't emotionally healthy...I was very insecure and even if it didn't end then, it was doomed because of ME, not her.)

 

Part of me is very angry with my Mom, but I know she is the victim of a victim. I have no idea what her father's life was like as a child. Maybe he grew up with an alcoholic parent too. Maybe he was just repeating what he was seeing. All I know is my grandfather was a drunk who beat my grandmother. I never knew him because he died when my Mom was 11 (my Mom is either youngest or second youngest of ten). And all of my Mom's siblings have some sort of dysfunction in their lives. So I know deep down my Mother only did what she knew. And I guess she never hit a rock bottom like I did because she had my father. My father was an amazing man, and her rock. He defended her when she was right, and he put her in her place when she was wrong. I, on the other hand, had a less than ideal husband. I won't badmouth him, but I could have picked better as far as husbands go. So after I pushed Bill away two years ago, I hit my first rock bottom.

 

That rock bottom led me to work on my self-esteem.

 

Then I pushed Erik to break up with me in September. That was another rock bottom. I did the crying and begging and texting and calling and showing up unannounced with him too. I thought I had worked on my self-esteem and had improved after Bill, but I still had a lot of work to do.

 

Instead of healing from that and working on myself, because I obviously needed work, I met Rich through POF. He was easy to be around and treated me well. Things were good. And i have to say that was my healthiest relationship since my ex-husband. Bill was healthy, I was not. Erik was unhealthy, I was more healthy, but still unhealthy. LOL Rich and I were (mostly) both healthy. But, I still have work to do.

 

I have demons to conquer. I'm soooo happy with the path I'm on. Instead of an arrow spinning, and me being confused in which direction to go, I now see the arrow is pointing (insert direction here), and I can follow that path to a healthy, happier me.

 

I can't wait to get to a point where I no longer blame my mom...even just a little.

[t1lersm0m1]

Ok, so today, i say enough is enough. I get annoyed with people who complain about their lives but do nothing to change it. I am becoming one of those people.

 

I did laundry and some other stuff, and was sweaty. So I took a shower because I felt icky before I put my pjs on for the night. When I got out of the shower, I took the first good look of my naked side profile. Today I am saying, Enough is Enough. I have no more excuses. I am easily 270. I was 293 before, and I'm within 23 pounds of that weight. I can't do this to my body. My body deserves better. I felt great at 239....it's no where near the finish line, but I felt great. I was so proud of myself. Cheet is right, why do I have to focus on my emotional health before my physical health? There's no reason I can't do both. Why? Because that was just another excuse. I am making up all of these excuses.

 

I'm out of excuses. My size 24 jeans which used to be big on me were tight when I first put them on. Through the day they loosened up...but man, I am not going back to a 26 or 28 pants. Sitting here feeling my stomach, I can feel the weight I've gained. And I'm done excusing this.

 

I am going to OA.

 

I am a compulsive overeater. I eat food to deal with my emotions, or I should say to avoid dealing with my emotions. I'm so afraid of my feelings that I eat or have sex with random men to stop feeling. But I don't want to do that. I want to stop living my life in fear.

 

I am powerless over this addiction. I have an addiction to unhealthy foods. And when I go on a binge, I go on a binge. When on a binge, I don't put one healthy thing into my mouth all day.

 

Whenever I gain or lose weight I can feel it/tell most in my stomach. And I can tell I have gained a LOT of weight.

 

No more excuses. No more yo-yo'ing between 239 and 260 (now 270). I will get down to 239. And then I will get below 200. I am going to do this. I am out of excuses. I emailed my Statistics homework. I will do my philosophy homework tomorrow. And I will do my quantitative methods homework Sunday. That leaves Monday and Wednesday wide open for OA meetings.

 

I also want to try to make a phone or web ACoA meeting this coming week. Just try it on for size.

 

I will beat this. I will not live the rest of my life as a fat person who hates her body and constantly feels disgusted with herself. I know that OA is the answer, that's why I haven't gone. But I will go.

[jjkk]

Woohoo! I just gave myself a similar pep talk today about my physical health, no more excuses!! My main excuse is because I work nights and I have kind of just decided not to worry about it until I move to days in August but today I was just like "nope, no more! It's just an excuse!" Here's to being healthier physically, too! Best wishes to you! You've helped inspire me to get off my arse and work out more, even if I feel cruddy from working nights. Thanks!

[t1lersm0m1]

I feel like a break up invalidates the whole relationship. I think that's also part of the reason I take a break up so hard. And I know that's not the case. The fact that we broke up doesn't change the fact that when Rich and I were together, we were good to each other In the break up, I feel like all of that has been erased. But Rich will still have good memories of me.

 

He's nuts LOL. He lives here in PA, and dated a woman in Western Canada for a short spell. They had gone to Vegas together. Well, while we were together, in a relationship, she tagged him in photos on FB. When he called me that night for our nightly talk, he asked if I had been on FB that day. I said not really (I don't do FB much, I mostly post stuff, but don't read the newsfeed much). He said good, then he explained who she was and how he knew her. He said he didn't know what her game was, but he untagged himself because he didn't want me to think they were recent photos. I laughed it off. I said if some woman wants to try to cause drama, that's her deal. I knew in my heart Rich was invested in us. He called daily, we saw each other weekly.

 

The me before probably would have freaked out in jealousy. But I knew Rich was a good guy by his actions. And I knew he wouldn't be making so much effort with me if he was a player. I can usually smell a player from a mile away now. Men are dumb, they show their intentions pretty quickly and easily. If a guy asks me a sexual question before we've met or early on, then I know sex is on his mind. Guys who are there for the right reasons won't bring up sex. They will know that with the building of the relationship the sex will naturally come. One guy had the audacity to tell me, through text, that he once spent a few hundred and a few weeks with a woman and she never slept with him, that's why he asks up front now. LOL

 

I have some really funny dating stories from before Rich and Erik.

 

There was a guy who I emailed with a few times. He initiated on the dating site. He then said he's trying to figure out the halfway point between us. I said "Well I'm in Wilkes Barre." He said but yeah where is the halfway point? I said I don't meet half way. Now if I had been initiating contact with him that would be a different story.

 

When Erik contacted me, he did all of the driving for the first month. When Rich contacted me, he did all of the driving for the first month. If a guy doesn't think I'm worth driving to, then he's not the guy for me. Through Bill, Erik and Rich I've learned to know my value.

 

I have some old fashioned view points. I'm no feminist. And I'm not ashamed to say that. I think I'm worth the effort. I think that men, at least in the beginning, should pay for dates. Once an established relationship occurs that could change. Erik took me to NYC to see Phantom. I told him I wouldn't go unless he let me pay for the gas and the parking, because I knew it would be an expensive day. Two of our earlier dates with Rich, I showed up to the movie theatre early, so I bought the tickets.

 

I love the fact that I listen to my instincts now. I have instincts for a reason. They are here to help me. I totally ignored my instincts in past relationships, when I had NO self-esteem.

 

Oh, I don't know why I'm thinking for Rich today.

 

Yesterday was day 30 no contact. I didn't do no contact to get him back, I did it to heal. I have no intention of initiating contact with him. If he wants to talk to me, he knows how to find me. But then I also know, deep down, we weren't a good fit. I'm much more sexual than he is, and I felt undesirable. I think we are just incompatible in that area of our past relationship. And that actually makes me very sad because we were SOOO good together in EVERY other thing. We had so much fun together. Talking was just easy.

 

I used to be SOO insecure. I thought every man I met was my LAST chance at love. I now know that is not the case. When I get sad thinking of Rich, I tell myself that my guy is out there . And I want to be the healthiest me possible when we meet. I want to be able to give him the best of me. Not the girl who thinks she needs to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders. The girl who thinks she has to fix everyone's problems. The girl who has to go it alone. I think that was a big part of our downfall. I wanted to make my mom love him before he had to know anything was going on. I was trying to be so patient with my Mom. But that family wedding was coming up, and she "Didn't know how the family would react when I walked in with a black man." It was giving her anxiety. She was doing the passive aggressive silent treatment with me. I was under so much stress. I seriously felt like I might have a nervous breakdown. The tension I felt living there was oppressive. I felt like I was suffocating. But I put up with it because she's my Mom, and I really hoped that with time she'd see Rich was treating me good and learn to accept him. That's my desire to change people. If she's racist, I can't change that. That's my ACoA stuff. I want to "fix" people. I can't fix or change people. People are who they are. They have to want to change.

 

My Mom asked to meet Rich, knowing the wedding was coming up. So I let her meet him. When he left, the first thing she said was "I didn't realize how dark he is." God Mom, wonderful amazing man who treats me and my son well, and for you it's all about the color of his skin.

 

When Rich broke up with me April 15, he said this is going to be the rest of our lives. I won't want to be anywhere your mom is. Family gatherings, holidays, celebrations...I never want to see your mom again. She sat there and acted like she liked me, and deep down she still hated me based solely on my skin color.

 

Maybe that's it right there. Maybe he didn't want to live a life like that, or force me to live a life where I had to choose. All I know, if another black man were to ask me out, I'd have to be completely up front with him about my Mom. Right from the second or third date. He should know what he is getting into. He should have a choice. I never told Rich until she threw me out in December because I really thought with time she'd come around. Now I know that's not the case. I know that her hatred is much deeper than anything I can ever get to.

 

And then when things blew over in December, I didn't tell Rich there was still tension between us...that my Mom was still struggling. I didn't tell him how much stress I was under

 

Rich gave me the push to move out of my Mom's house. I needed that push. He was a wonderful guy. Maybe with time we can be friends. He really means a lot to me. I just wish he didn't feel the way about himself that he does...that he'd be better off not being alive. He has so much to offer the world. He's a great, level headed man. He's a great friend to his friends, a great son to his mom, and he was a great boyfriend to me. He offers the world so much. But unfortunately a lot of society judges him on his race. I think he feels like that is his identity...but he and I both know it shouldn't be. He is so much more than "a black man."

 

I have no idea what pain he has endured in his life. He never told me. He just made general comments, and told me about a card game he played online. He said his first experience with racism was when he was 9 in church. But he didn't tell me what happened, and I didn't want to ask/push. I figured he would tell me when he was ready.

 

When my ex and I separated, I thought finding a new relationship would fix me. I looked for external validation. Even after the break ups with Erik and Bill I looked for someone else to fill that void.

 

My guy is out there. He's looking for me. And I'm looking for him. But if I never find him, that's OK...I'm OK being me. At least I'm learning to be. I think me is pretty stinking spectacular. I never knew my worth. I said this before, women are raised to give our love to others. No one ever told me that love for me was the key. I wish I knew and understood that sooner. Love for me must come first....I can't be a good mom if I don't have love for me. I can't be a good partner if I don't have love for me.

[t1lersm0m1]

I went kayaking today. Had a great time. I thought about going kayaking, and then my friend George posted on FB something like "Good day for kayaking at Frances Slocum SP." So I replied - "I was going to go kayaking." He then replied later "Leaving my house in a few minutes."

 

So I met him and his girlfriend, and had a great time. He helped me get into the water with the kayak. I had gone once before in 2011 by myself. I love kayaking. It's easy on my knees, but still a decent workout. I got to enjoy time outdoors in the sun, instead of staying home and being lazy like I was going to be. Afterward he invited me to lunch with them. I had a really great time chatting with them.

 

George is a personal trainer our company hired to work at our office. He runs fitness classes. I felt bad afterward when they told me his gf is from the Boston area and they only see each other once about every six weeks. I felt like I was impeding on their alone time together. He said no, he invited other people from work to come but they had plans, so it was intended to be a group thing.

[t1lersm0m1]

I am the Adult Child of an Alcoholic. My mother was an alcoholic when I was growing up. Her and my father would get into physical fights. I would lock my brother in my bedroom with me so he didn't have to hear the fighting. My cousin Connie died when I was 9. My Mom would drink for hours and blast Whitney Houston "Greatest Love of All" and sob. I guess she thought that was normal. I guess for her, being the Adult Child of an Alcoholic father, it was normal. However, that is not normal. It's one thing to cry and mourn, but to blast music sobbing for hours over a period of weeks....that's not normal behavior.

 

Yes, everyone grieves in their own way...but that kinda stuff really messes up a kid. When I was in middle school, we would listen to the neighbor beat up his girlfriend. This is not normal behavior.

 

I have been powerless in the past over the way this affliction has affected my life But since finding ACoA, I have a tool for healing. This is Step 1 of my journey, admitting that I need help, and asking for it.

 

I don't like the fact that I am an ACoA, but I like the fact that thanks to someone on ENA, I know that I am an ACoA, and I have a tool for recovery. My life no longer has to be lived in this manner. I no longer have to stay in relationships that don't make me happy because I don't know how to leave. I no longer have to fear abandonment. I no longer have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I no longer have to try to fix people. There's a better way to live my life.

[t1lersm0m1]

I am a compulsive overeater. I eat to stuff my emotions. I eat so I don't have to feel. I've treated my body terribly. My knees have arthritis. I would probably have it anyway as my Mom has it, but the weight does not help.

 

I am powerless over the food that I eat. My life has become unmanageable. I am 5'3" and should be a little over 100 pounds. Instead, I am probably around 270. I've lost weight before, but then I yo-yo between 239 and 260 (now 270). I am powerless. There is a better way. I need to admit that I am powerless and need help. This is my Step 1, admitting my life has become unmanageable. I feel great shame after I binge. I beat myself up.

 

So far, aside from the arthritis, I'm relatively healthy. That luck can't hold out forever. Obesity, especially morbid obesity, leads to many health risks. My Mom is 20 years older than me and is having a knee replaced in a few weeks. She is also morbidly obese. That's my future if I don't do something to change. I need to improve my health. I need to take care of me, physically and emotionally.

[t1lersm0m1]

When Rich and I first called it quits for good, 32 days ago, I actually thought of taking a year off from dating to work on myself. Then I thought that's too long, I'll do 90 days, then reasess after the 90 days passes.

 

One section earlier in the ACoA book says you shouldn't enter a relationship while you're in recovery, but it didn't say how long.

 

I just got to a later chapter, and it says, yep, you guess it, a year. While I think I am worth the year to work on myself, I'm not starting the year now. I'm either starting it from when we actually broke up, April 15, or when we closed the door on reconciliation (I say we, but it was actually him. Everyone knows i wanted him back, he didn't want me back) a little over four weeks ago.

 

I guess since I've been in recovery, going to ACoA meetings a month, I will go with a year from a month ago, so 11 months from now. That seems like a long time, and scary, but I know a year can go by very quickly It's hard to believe I'm 37...years just fly by. And I'm pretty sure if I enter into another relationship in a few months, I'll neglect my ACoA work, thinking I don't need it anymore since I've entered a good relationship. But that of course won't be the case. I need recovery. This is a lifelong journey.

 

I am the Adult Child of an Alcoholic. I am powerless over the affects that has had on my life. I have abandonment issues, I have difficulty leaving relationships that do not make me happy. I have a hard time putting myself first. I have a hard time taking care of myself.

 

This is my Step 1, admitting I am powerless, and I need help. I am in ACoA looking for help.

[t1lersm0m1]

So my cell phone battery died yesterday. Tyler and I were both home, so I didn't worry about it. Well, I use my cell phone as my alarm clock, so plugged it in to charge and went to the bathroom. Went to bed and turned it on. I have two texts from my mom (my phone doesn't tell me what time they were actually received, just what time they were deliverd to my phone after being turned on.

 

"Ice cream, mmmmm."

 

"I know, no."

 

So then I text her back and said "My cell phone battery died, I'm going to bed, good night."

 

She replies:

 

"Just got back from Turkey Hill."

 

"Its ok I deserve what ever comes my way. I love you and understand."

 

OMG, what is there to understand. I didn't get her texts until I was going to bed. There's NOTHING to understand. I'm so sick of her personal pity party.

 

I know I can't change others, and I know that just because I'm on this road trying to grow, I can't expect others to grow with me. But she is very very close to me cutting her completely out of my life for a while. I can't take her victim mentality anymore. The poor me, I'm the innocent victim in all of this mentality.

 

This is part of what I have to work on most through ACoA. I am powerless over life. I can't control my mother. I can't make her have her "Come to Jesus" moment, or whatever you call it. I call it my "Rock bottom." I hit a big one in 2012, and another one in 2013, and now one in 2014. And as long as I don't work on healing, I will continue having rock bottoms.

 

I love my Mother....I'm powerless over how she acts and treats others. But, I have power over what I put up. I really hope she stops pushing me to push her out for good.

[t1lersm0m1]

I was insulted by a door to door salesman yesterday.

 

You could tell they prep him well..he had a lot of funny one liners. I politely handed him his card back (it was a laminated type thing) and said "Sorry, I'm not interested."

 

He said "Oh it's Ok, I only get upset if they are beautiful. Have a nice day."

 

The implication being, he's not upset with me because I'm not beautiful. At least, there's no other way I can think of to take it.

 

If he takes rejection as a salesman and turns it into insulting someone, that's a reflection on who he is as a person, not me. I will never understand people.

[Cheetarah]

What an ass.

 

That was his butthurt shining through, and has NOTHING to do with you. He clearly has no confidence in his techniques. You are beautiful.

[t1lersm0m1]

Thanks, I know it shouldn't bother me. That's his idiocy, not mine. He should be used to rejection as a door to door salesman, and shouldn't use that rejection as an excuse to insult people. But the fact I told my very good friend Kim, and posetd about it here, means it obviously bothers me. Why do I expect more from people? Probably one of the things I need to work on.

 

What an ass.

 

That was his butthurt shining through, and has NOTHING to do with you. He clearly has no confidence in his techniques. You are beautiful.

[Seraphim]

I was insulted by a door to door salesman yesterday.

 

You could tell they prep him well..he had a lot of funny one liners. I politely handed him his card back (it was a laminated type thing) and said "Sorry, I'm not interested."

 

He said "Oh it's Ok, I only get upset if they are beautiful. Have a nice day."

 

The implication being, he's not upset with me because I'm not beautiful. At least, there's no other way I can think of to take it.

 

If he takes rejection as a salesman and turns it into insulting someone, that's a reflection on who he is as a person, not me. I will never understand people.

 

Eh? What a turd he is. Hugs.

[t1lersm0m1]

I haven't gone to an OA meeting yet. Tyler had a friend sleep over last night and I wante to make them dinner. Yes, more excuses.

 

My first ACoA meeting was June 1st. I've been to 5 meetings, having not missed a Sunday meeting. I definitely want to check out the online/phone meetings to see if they can be beneficial as well. Once I've been doing the program longer, I'd really love to start a meeting in my area. I'd probably want to do it mid-week since I would still like to attend the Sunday Scranton meetings. My thought is, the more meetings the better.

 

Step 2 - "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

 

I once believed in God. I lost my faith in God in high school, when I was being sexually harassed at work and it brought back memories of the sexual abuse at the hands of my Uncle. As I said in earlier journal posts, I had other minor sexual incidents happen...a different Uncle grabbed my boob when I was a teen (this Uncle was a blood relative, whereas the uncle that molested me was an Uncle by marriage). A friend's step-brother had grabbed both our boobs when I was in about 5th grade.

 

Based on all that happened, I lost my faith in God. I believed that either A, he does not exist, or B, he hates me. The reason I came to believe that is why would so many bad things happen to me if there was a God, or if he loved me. Why would he give me so much pain to handle?

 

I realize now, as a 37 year old, that that's a ridiculous way to feel. Because we are human beings, and because there is sin in the world, everyone will experience hardships. I don't think I'm special because my Mother was an alcoholic, or because I was date-raped, or abused. So why would I think iwas special in the fact that because those things happened, that means there is no God, or that God doesn't love me? That's ludicrous.

 

I took a Religion class in school in the Spring. One thing I found interesting....the professor said that just because people do not practice religion, does not mean they are Atheist. Before that class, I would have classified myself as Atheist. After that class, I no longer classify myself in that manner.

 

I'm not sure what my feelings on God and Jesus Christ are. I had to attend two church services for my Religion class in the Spring. Prior to that I only went to church for weddings/funerals/batisms etc. I hadnt' regularly attended church since Tyler was a baby, and before then since middle or high school.

 

I consider myself more spiritual than religious. I do believe there is a higher power out there....I look at nature and the world and wonder if there isn't a higher power, how can all of this be here? I connect with my higher power through nature. I love enjoying the outdoors. I went to a State park I had never been to Sunday and sat under a tree in the sun and read my Kindle. I read my ACoA book on the Kindle. That was after my ACoA meeting.

 

I believe that there is a higher power, and that my higher power can restore me to sanity.

[t1lersm0m1]

Yeah, I'm pretty sure in hindsight his reaction is intentionally vague so you can't put two and two together until he's gone. He didn't say "Oh don't worry, I'd only be angry if you were beautiful." He said "Oh it's OK, I only get upset if THEY'RE beautiful." It was indirectly directed at me.

 

Yes, he is a turd. Thanks!

 

Eh? What a turd he is. Hugs.

[t1lersm0m1]

Step 2 - "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

 

I'm not a control freak, but I know this about myself, when I'm not in control, I don't handle that well. Like in the break up with Rich....he was totally into me when we were together. Then with the break up, he was still keeping in touch, but I wasn't really handling the break up well. I felt we could stay together while I found a place to live, taking it day by day. He didn't see how that was possible. Then when I moved, I thought we should get back together and pick up where we left off. He wasn't able to do that, he wanted to be friends and see where things went.

 

So while I wasn't a control freak when we dated, never got jealous or angry, never told him what to do or where he was allowed or not allowed to go, when the break up occurred, I didn't handle the lack of control well.

 

I told a friend about my feelings, and he said I'm spoiled. I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it. And I think that yes I can agree with that. I had a hard time honoring Rich's feelings and need for space. I'm not jusifying my behavior, but I think it was my abandonment, although a very mild form of it, that's what it was. I had a hard time honoring Rich's need for space and time, and I pushed. I didn't push hard, but I pushed nonetheless.

 

This fits in well with Step 2. In Step 1 I fully admit I am powerless. In Step 2, I admit that I need to let go of the need to control the outcome of a situation, and let my higher power guide me. That will be very hard for me, but if it was easy it probably wouldnt' be worth doing.

 

I read something somewhere, not sure if it was my ACA book or somewhere else, but it said "Let go, let God." That's something I need to work on practicing. I need to let go, let God. I need to let my higher power guide me. I need to honor the Serenity prayer. Change what I can change (me), accept that I can't change some things (others), and have the knowledge the difference between changing me or something out of my control.

 

I often think to myself, I wish I had found ACA earlier. I wish I had taken this journey earlier. But I have to stop wishing. That's wanting to change the past, and I can't change the past. I have to accept the things I can't change. I can't change the fact that I let my ex husband talk me into building a house I knew deep down inside we couldn't afford. I gave a manipulative ex over $1000. I pushed Bill away. I stayed with Erik too long. I pushed Rich away. That's all in the past, and I need to accept that I can't change the past.

 

I need to "Let go, let God."

 

I think I'm about 75% of the way through my ACA book. I love ACA. It's such a breathe of fresh air. A way to restore sanity to my insane life. I feel like I've been on a Merry Go Round, and ACA has shown me a way to get off of the Merry Go Round of insanity.

 

I normally hate Sundays...it's when I do my school work for my online classes. It also means the short weekend is coming to an end. But I look forward to Sundays since finding ACA. I look forward to those weekly meetings. I really think I want to start a local ACA meeting in a few months. One that can happen during the week, so I can still go to the Sunday one in Scranton.

 

Dear higher power, I believe in you, and in your ability to restore me to sanity.

[t1lersm0m1]

So I posted a few weeks ago about being under a lot of stress at work and working MANY hours. Well, that hard work and sacrifice paid off. I was awarded Employee of the Month for June, in an office building of over 1000 people. I got $350 pre-tax, a tshirt, and a nice luncheon.

 

Also, as a result, my boss submitted me for a promotion, which will be a 5% bump in my annual salary! The promotion hasn't come through yet, and she kinda implied I shouldn't rely on it until I receive it (meaning just because she submitted it, doesn't guarantee I'll get it). But, if/when it comes through, that'll really help with being on my own raising a son without child support or any outside help.

 

The only real outside help I get is I do my laundry at my Mom's house. Honestly, I'd rather go to the laundry mat, but I know I can't just completely cut my Mom out of my life. So doing laundry at her house is an excuse to see her. And so I'm not taking her for granted, I brought dinner yesterday and a candle and hand soap from Bath & Body Works to thank her for letting me do my laundry there.

[TirAsleen]

Wonderful journal. I spent most of my morning reading straight through. I can relate on so any levels. My mom and dad were neglectful and she was an abuser and he an enabler and it has affected me in so many ways. I also overeat but I am getting that under control now after much therapy and work on myself. My biggest coping mechanism was alcohol, I binge drink when I am overwrought. I have been in an online program called Hello Sunday morning to change my relationship with alcohol and it is actually helping me with my food intake too. I had to go no contact with my parents when I was in my twenties because they were toxic and never going to change. I did find the right man, the most wonderful man in the world and my child abuse and childhood issues still caught up with me so don't place too much of yourself in codependent relationships as some sort of heal all. The wonderful husband helps and is such support, but it doesn't erase all the shame, pain and hurt from your past.

I'm in a great place now. I no longer am the self loathing angry girl I once was. I realize that living in the present, accepting that I can only change myself and my behaviors and finding joy in the interconnectedness of the universe with nature and kindness being my focus. I meditate, believe in second chances and am so grateful to be here, to be alive, to not have died as a child though I could have many times.

I am a writer now, published and thriving, knowing that my experiences as a child made me develop an affinity for storytelling and fantasy. We really do have to use our pain in some way to overcome it. I chose to let my pain out through horror and supernatural thrillers.

Keep writing and sharing because your words could help someone. I truly relate to what you have written here, we are a breed apart when we have lived in such chaos as our childhoods, but nonetheless we can catch up emotionally and mentally if we work on ourselves and strip away our abuse fog.

I am so proud of you for finishing school and raising such a wonderful son. I never had kids because I was afraid I would be the same as my mom. I didn't realize for years that was even the reason but I don't regret it as I have learned how to be the best auntie in the world and to have a blessed relationship with my husband. We all make choices, and mine were unorthodox at times, but I am so happy today. So relieved that I finally am free of my past.

Keep going. One day you will wake up and get to say that too. My mantra was, this too shall pass. Focus in you and know that a healthy relationship is easy and positive in all ways. You can have a nice man who is also passionate and sexual. Good luck. I am cheering for you. Congrats on Employee of the Month.

[t1lersm0m1]

Thank you so much for devoting half of your day to reading my journal. That really means a lot to me. There's a lot of pain in here, and still a lot of learning to do. Since finding ACA, I have a great path to follow. I'm reading my ACA book, attending weekly meetings, and working on growing emotionally.

 

I truly feel like I can say, and mean...."The best is yet to come!" I really think my best years are ahead of me. I don't think I've ever felt that way before.

[TirAsleen]

I believe healing gives us a second chance at living. The best is still in front of you. Keep reading and reaching out. When I finally asked for help from various people, I got it. I am so happy you aren't staying stuck in your family's cycle of secrets.