Wife wants divorce I don't - she wants to share house with me and kids

[attrib1]

Wife has caught me by surprise and wants a divorce. She's been stressed a lot lately and I thought it was work and turning 50 but apparently it was me.

 

I am heartbroken over this and want to reconcile but she's having nothing of it - said she's felt this way for 2 years! I asked for counseling which she agreed to but is making fun of the process (the counselor that we are seeing comes highly recommended by a good mutual psychotherapist friend so I know she's good).

 

She's asking to share our house so that our kids can have a stable home and she wants to be the "dreaded friend" with me.

 

I am all about my kids but I think this will be too hard on me. Seeing what I used to have as a family will leave me grief-stricken and bitter and not a good father.

 

Am I crazy to hope this will reconcile and if not, to make this a complete separation rather than sharing a home?

[mhowe]

She is paying lip service to counseling so it won't work.

And she doesn't get to decide the rules.

She wants the divorce??? She can move out.

 

How old are kids?

[pl3asehelp]

It's a naive and unrealistic expectation on her part. Don't consider entertaining it.

[Mesemene]

IMHO, she's been going through the letting go process for the two years she neglected to tell you about.

 

So she's emotionally ready to "move on." Good for her. Unfortunately, she's considering herself more than the kids. She's not considering the strain that would be between you (you can't help it, you've just had your world upended and yanked out from under you) and how THAT would affect them. And apparently didn't think counseling over the last two years would help, since she didn't see fit to bring to your attention that there was anything wrong.

 

She wants to keep the security and comfort of the "family home" and shared child rearing - but she doesn't want to be your partner. This is called "I want to have my cake and eat it too."

 

Call a lawyer. And get yourself a good counselor to help you through this. YOU need support. She's had your love and support to pull away from you - now you need someone to be there for you to get through this.

 

Both your lawyer and counselor can help you draw the line between being a good dad, and making things easier for the kids - and making yourself a security blanket for your wife. Sorry, but if she's been giving you lip service and "faking it" for two years, keeping the security of a loving husband but not trying to resolve anything by airing this, she gets zero sympathy from me. And you're not obligated (and shouldn't) make this life changing issue a nightmare for you, and easy on her.

[Capricorn3]

It's a naive and unrealistic expectation on her part. Don't consider entertaining it.

I agree. What's the point of getting a divorce if she continues living in the same house? I think she'll be using it all to HER benefit in all possible ways. Using the children is an excuse. She wants a divorce? Give it to her, as it seems she's already checked out of the marriage some years ago. By all means, try marriage counseling, but be prepared - I don't think it will work.

[attrib1]

Thank you all for the support, I am definitely in need of it now and will heed the advice.

 

I haven't been perfect, I have paid more attention to being a good dad to my kids, supporting and providing for the family (I am the primary breadwinner) and neglected romancing her and taking her out like I used to.

 

I feel like she's having a mid-life crisis and blaming it on me, she wants to party to 2 AM every weekend night, started back to smoking 1 to 2 packs a day (she quit 2 packs a day 16 years ago), admits she's started menopause, and now tells me that me being a good dad and a nice guy isn't enough for her anymore.

 

I bought her a house up north next door to her estranged father and she's reconciled with him but its a pattern - he left in his 50s and now I feel like she's doing the same to me.

 

I'll admit part of me is selfish in not wanting to give up the house - I want my kids, our families and friends to know that she wants the divorce and wouldn't try reconciliation.

 

Thanks again everyone

[mhowe]

At age 50....if your kids are teenagers....they can stay in home with you...and wife can move out.

Shared custody...with you as custodial parent.

[Lorem Ipsum]

I bought her a house up north

Great! So she's got a place already lined up that she can move out to. That is awesome! She can be up there, smoking and partying away to her heart's content without the kids while the divorce goes through. As the others have said, she wants to have her cake and eat it too. Life doesn't work that way. Contact a divorce attorney and find out what you can put in place to gain custody or that you might be required to pay (and for how long) for her support.

[attrib1]

Great! So she's got a place already lined up that she can move out to. That is awesome! She can be up there, smoking and partying away to her heart's content without the kids while the divorce goes through. As the others have said, she wants to have her cake and eat it too. Life doesn't work that way. Contact a divorce attorney and find out what you can put in place to gain custody or that you might be required to pay (and for how long) for her support.

 

I know I was a fool to make that move

[attrib1]

At age 50....if your kids are teenagers....they can stay in home with you...and wife can move out.

Shared custody...with you as custodial parent.

 

Unfortunately they are still young - 10 and 7

[Lester]

It's not about the house or kids...

Do you love your wife and are you willing to change so you can stay married to her?

 

She's most likely been unhappy with you for a lot longer than 2 years. (Think back to the first time you heard, "If am not happy by __")

 

How long have you been married? How many kids and what are there ages?

 

Your marriage may be savable but you can't waste time looking for a magic cure-all that will snap her back to her sense so you can put this behind you. Your life will never be the same... best ever marriage or divorce.

 

You must be truthful, timely and willing to change.

 

PS, I saved my marriage.

[Lorem Ipsum]

I know I was a fool to make that move

No, you weren't. You now have a way to split the marital assets. You keep the primary residence since you're the breadwinner, she gets the house up north/cottage/whatever. Talk to a lawyer. Seriously. If your wife has been checked out emotionally for two years and is delusional enough to think that you'd go along with this plan of hers, you need to know what your rights are, and what you may be required to do by a court of law in regards to her settlement when you split up. Because... you're not planning on staying with her are you? You're not going to do as she says, get divorced yet stay "roomies", are you? Once the shock wears off and the anger sets in for you, you are going to have to do something. Since she wants out, let her go. She's got this idea that she can have the house, the kids, and your salary to support the lifestyle she wants to live -- she's the fool here.

[JustLetGo]

Meno-pause can come with mood swings. But THIS bad? I would never have expected that.

 

Whatever the cause, you still have to deal with it.

 

If the marriage can't be saved, like Lester suggests.

 

The children's upbringing will be the most important in this picture, so fight for that, you're in a strong position.

And towards her, become as cold as her. BUT NOT MEAN. Because that way you keep your dignity, selfrespect and confidence. And they will really be needed now.

[Lonewing]

Raising kids and your relationship with your wife are two separate entities. You cannot raise your kids right out of a relationship that is basically a lie. To say she is thinking of herself over the kids, this is guilt tripping. Sorry, but no amount of kid means you must stay with another human being, or even Should stay with another human being, just for their sakes.

 

So the wife is unhappy and she has checked out. So pack her bags and check her out.

[Damaged70]

Same thing, is happening to me!! What is with this partying and smoking thing?? My ex is 42. Crazy reading this story

[iamkaylee]

Do not play into her game of being "roomies". That will be nothing but a nightmare situation for you while she's coasting along doing whatever and whomever she wants with you as her physical, financial and emotional safety net. You might as well plan on a new career as her personal mental and emotional punching bag if you let her do this nonsense to you. If she wants a divorce, she needs to pack her stuff and move out.

[attrib1]

It's not about the house or kids...

Do you love your wife and are you willing to change so you can stay married to her?

 

She's most likely been unhappy with you for a lot longer than 2 years. (Think back to the first time you heard, "If am not happy by __")

 

How long have you been married? How many kids and what are there ages?

 

Your marriage may be savable but you can't waste time looking for a magic cure-all that will snap her back to her sense so you can put this behind you. Your life will never be the same... best ever marriage or divorce.

 

You must be truthful, timely and willing to change.

 

PS, I saved my marriage.

 

I would love to do that Lester but she's having nothing of it. Lip service to counseling, no chance of reconciliation on her part even though I have asked, and I have offered to spend more time on her and with her doing things but she won't even stay in the same room with me. I travel for work a week or so out of the month and as soon as I'm back, she's told me she's leaving for the up north house.

 

I admit that I have moved from being inconsolable with grief to angry about the whole situation.

[Lester]

That’s great but there can be no “buts”…

There can be many reasons why a marriage fails; you have a chance if yours, like mine, was due to neglect and not being a genuinely loving husband.

 

Incompatibility, abusive, trapped and don’t give a hoot marriages usually don’t have a chance.

 

First things first:

You must brace yourself for pain and mind haze you never before thought possible.

 

You must stay focused.

 

You can’t waste time! It’s good you recommend counseling or anything that will delay her big decision day. (Keep her of balance.)

 

You must purchase two books today…. James Dobson’s “Love must be Tough” and Gary Smalley’s “If only he knew” (What no woman can resist)

Never tell her about these books or this forum.

 

Smalley’s book will help you remember past mistakes and how to correct them.

 

Dobson’s will teach you how to deal with a wife who is talking to/seeing another man.

Yes Attrib, from the little you have disclosed… there is someone else. He’s most likely someone you know.

Don’t panic or do anything rash… her talking to another man is normal, at least in this age we live.

 

First aid:

- Call/txt her everyday… tell her you just are saying hi and then “I love you” at the end of it. Expect nothing back from her.

 

- From now on, when you talk, listen, listen and listen. If she brings up a past offense, (good!), say you are sorry and then shut up.

 

- Buy some new clothing today. (In style underwear should be first) Throw out something old today. (Old/out of style pair of favorite jeans would be a great first.)

 

- Secretly buy crest white strips and start using them.

 

- Everything you do to save your marriage is done in secret! She must think she is the reason she is SEEING changes in you!!

This is your power!

 

- You must make her mind move in this direction:

Oh sure, I fix him and now some other woman is going to get him! I wonder what she looks like? I wonder if she will be good with the kids? I bet he is seeing her already... who is she?

Yes attrib, this how her mind will work.

 

 

How long have you been married? Kids?

 

PS, Your travel and the second house will make it very hard.

 

PS2, Don't put much/any hope on secular counseling, but do go if you can.

There's is a business that needs A/R. It's not in there best intrest to rush things. That's no good for you... time is your enemy!

[lerenard]

I think there is no point in trying to save it, when OP`s wife actually put a cross on their marriage two years ago already. She wants to drop him and to have a second young life again, while still wanting him to stay there to make her comfortable. She clearly has no interest in saving their marriage.

 

OP, its good she has another place - she can be out as soon as possible and you can start your healing process.

[lostandhurt]

You have been hit with the Walk Away Wife Syndrome. She has admitted that you were a great dad and a nice guy and I am sure you are so don't blame all this on yourself. She is unhappy which she admits and since she cannot blame the 2 houses, the kids or anything else that only leaves you as the reason she is unhappy. I am sure you could have been a better husband and father but who here couldn't use some improving.

 

So she wants to go out partying all the time, live in the same house but divorce you. Let's see this for what it really is. 1. She wants her freedom to chase her happiness. 2. She wants the security of having you around and as a back up plan. 3. She wants to be selfish and uncaring towards you and more than likely her children while you sit at home taking care of the house and the kids. Does that sound about right? Put aside the love you feel for her and look at this realistically.

 

Step one is protect yourself (legal advice). Step two is do not let her rewrite your marital history. (mine went back 15 years to justify her actions) Step 3 is decide what you want to be. Plan B, back up plan, security blanket, provider or Great single father with a life he can make his own?

 

Right now there is zero down side for her and if you agree to live in the same house while divorced she will have it all while you suffer. There are no consequences to her actions. Tell her if she isn't going to take counseling seriously then you will go alone and she is not welcome. Next tell her (don't ask her) to get her stuff together and move into the house next to her father.

 

She has been on this path for a while, time to play catch up. I wish there was better news for you but acceptance is your ally here. What I have said does not mean you shouldn't try and stop the divorce and repair all this damage but her issues run way deeper than just thinking you haven't been a good husband.

 

Go to this thread and so some reading. You will find stories just like yours...unfortunately.

 

Keep posting

Lost

[attrib1]

Lester, your post has value to me. Before I go all nuclear on her as many have suggested, I do want to save the marriage.

 

I had started to do some of these things (lost 15 pounds running - the stress has also curbed my appetite), bought new clothes (and underwear I will buy these books as you suggest and read them.

 

I do know she is talking to a male friend but do not think its the reason she is leaving. My discussions with her is that she's wanting to make a new life without me as she feels we are incompatible and yes I have paid more attention to my kids than her.

 

We did go out last night with a group of friends for a 40th birthday celebration that frankly I would lose (the friends) in a divorce. The roles were reversed normally I am more reserved and in control and she's the partier. I figured it may be the last time I would see some of these friends and just let lose. I think it had an effect on her as she was very quiet, kept her drinking to a minimum and drove us home. I also think it may have helped that some random girl at the bar came up and started talking to me.

 

By the way almost 16 years married with 2 kids (under 11)

[Ms Darcy]

Here is an interesting article you may want to read.

 

link removed

 

I think a lot of people get so focused on the children and the job, they don't realize that a healthy marriage is the foundation of the family unit. The marriage should always be the biggest priority.

[Lester]

You said, "I do know she is talking to a male friend but do not think its the reason she is leaving."

- Huh? Attrib, Not only is it very bad that she talking to someone it’s almost always the nail in the coffin. When the time is right, calmly, you must tell her there can be no other man... once. If she refuses, you must immediately begin divorce proceeding against her. (Yes, this is also part of marriage saving)

 

You said, “My discussions with her is that she's wanting to make a new life without me as she feels we are incompatible…”

- Do you think you were incompatible?

 

You said, “…and yes I have paid more attention to my kids than her.”

- You were together 16 years… do you think this is true?

 

You said, “ Before I go all nuclear on her as many have suggested,…”

- Nuclear?? What does that mean?

If it means quick divorce/find another, read below.

 

Most if not all advisors here on ena are at some level of “broken”.

Humans/advisors all have a natural ability to quickly take on emotional ownership of other peoples woes. This in turn leads to a strange manifestation for quick justice. Attrib, you must understand this and read past initial knee-jerk advice.

 

You said, “I do want to save the marriage.”

- Again, good but you wasted two days not buying Dobson/Smalley. Remember I told you time is your enemy? Can you buy an eBook version of Dobson's "Love must be Tough"?

 

Helpful hints:

- Don’t lose too much weight!

Your brain burning huge amounts of energy is not a healthy weight loss plan.

Most likely, once the full scope of your wife’s infidelity and pending divorce hits you will spiral into even more loss of weight. Eat more!

 

- Jealousy is a potent ingredient of a marriage save plan but you must be careful with other girls. Think of these women as a current and future , (2nd marriage), divorce.

 

PS, Do you know the other man?

[Lorem Ipsum]

Most if not all advisors here on ena are at some level of “broken”.

Wow. Just wow. Gee, thanks Lester! That's really kind of you to completely dismiss everyone like that. I hope you are including yourself in that group of all the broken individuals since you are also human.

[mhowe]

Many are!!! Or have a bias in giving advice based on their baggage.

 

That is only human....and expected.