Mesemene Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 Most if not all advisors here on ena are at some level of “broken”. Humans/advisors all have a natural ability to quickly take on emotional ownership of other peoples woes. This in turn leads to a strange manifestation for quick justice. Attrib, you must understand this and read past initial knee-jerk advice. Lester, I find this immensely disrespectful, as I do your plugging the same crap as if it will always work perfectly for everyone, and nobody else could possibly have the mental faculties to see your view is the only right one. I've always respected your views as coming from a whole individual who has learned from but isn't BOUND by experience, and would appreciate the same courtesy. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 attrib, You aren't seeing this clearly which is perfectly normal. For you to make any sound moves from now on you must clear your vision. You still have your Love Goggles on and do not see things as you should. Talking to a male "Friend" is very bad. Talking to him about what? There are more losers out there that seek out lonely and unhappy married woman and befriend them all the while angling to sleep with them. How many new friends does she have of either sex? Any newly divorced or single friends? Your wife has made choices and started down a path and is showing extremely selfish behavior. You have said that you spend more time with the children and that she admits you are a good guy and great father. So if all that is true why is she doing what she is doing? Grass is greener syndrome? Dreams unfulfilled? Pure selfish behavior? You did not make her do what she is doing or decide what she has decided did you? How much fault do you put on yourself for all this? Many people here have been through a great deal and yes have different views based on those events in their lives but it does not mean their advice is not relevant or valid. Only you can decide what you should do in each particular instance. Only you can choose to see the real truth or kid yourself and only see what you want to see. In the end you must accept that you can not control your wives actions or choices and that she has free will to do as she wants. Hopefully you will be able to get her to see that what she has right now is so much better than what she thinks she is missing out on, and that my broken hearted friend is what this is all about. From her actions she wants freedom, partying and at the very least the attention of men other than you. Sometimes we never find out the "WHY" but that matters little in the end because the results are the same. Books and advice are great but trust your gut always. I know it has been talking to you and you have been ignoring it. Stop making excuses and clear your vision. Best wishes Lost Link to comment
Lester Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 Sorry to all for that unwarranted/unneeded paragraph. At times, (most), I can be a real unthinking jerk. Again, sorry advisors! Link to comment
Liraele Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 10 and 7 is still old enough that they will know what is going on... and tension in the house will cause them undue stress. Considering what she wants to do (and seems to already be doing), odds are good they already know not all is well. I agree with whoever said that she can move out, you can stay with the kids and share joint custody - with you as the primary custodian, since it sounds as though you are the more stable of the two of you currently. Link to comment
Lonewing Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 Most if not all advisors here on ena are at some level of “broken.” Yeah, We're broken... What broke us? Spending years, each of us, trying to save relationships we would have been better of leaving alone. It's hard, Extremely HARD to fight a fire when the very person who should theoretically be your star firefighter is the very person who set the fire, or worse, sits and laughs as you try to put it out, or the very worse, is literally throwing buckets of red hot coals while you throw water. And then one day that relationship finally ended, after every thing we had tried to do to save it. And guess what? First, it hurt - a ton. And then, we spent a lot of time re-finding ourselves. And then, when we reemerged from that deep dark cold pit we allowed someone else to let ourselves dig ourselves into, only to discover there really is life beyond that relationship. And here's the shocking part: We're happier now than we ever were under that rock! The people around us, even our children, we're all happier versus what we were under that relationship. The only regret at this point is reconciling all that time we spent trying to patch things back up. In my case, had I just walked away the first time and never looked back, I might have saved two years. That's a lot of time, in the prime of my life!! So now, on this side of the equation, I'm a lot quicker to go to the guns and pull back on the parachute, than try to stall the old bird back to base... We're aren't just flippant because we "hate" marriage or relationships in general. We've come through to the understanding that not every relationship should be saved. In these cases, the signs are always so similar - a spouse who has cheated multiple times, who has emotionally and mentally already checked out of the relationship, a spouse who is GONE, a partner who REFUSES to see he's living life in a manner that is incompatible with the relationship. so what should the other person do, commit to a life of second class citizenry??!!! There's no getting her back once she's decided to move on - and not because of YOU, but because of HER and what she wants OUT OF LIFE - you're fighting an up-cliff battle before the battle has even begun. Call us broken if you wish, but until you take a good long hard look at these people who broke us, you haven't the first clue in regards to surviving the fall. And you'd have us return to these people, the people who tossed us to the floor, or threw us, for more of this abuse? And what's that going to teach our children, that they MUST stay with Jimmy, no matter how bad he treats us, because mom tolerated it all these years from dad, and hey look, they're still together? Or we should tolerate it from Amanda, because it's a man's place to tolerate such abuse? Nope, nope, nope. All done with that! Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 Lonewing that was pretty darn awesome. Who hear wouldn't love to see a happy ending like Lester got? Of course we would but there are times when reality of the situation has to be faced. So many of us...practically all of us kept trying even though our guts, friends and family were telling us to stop trying and start the process of ending it. I always hope for the best and try and see the other persons point of view but there comes a time when you hear key phrases from a Original Poster that tells many of us that they need to step back and look at it from a realistic place, not one of fear of what they may loose, or they may be alone and never find anyone better but from a place that they are valuable and they can be truly happy and okay of the relationship does end. We all have different views and opinions, they are not right or wrong....just different. Lost Link to comment
waffle Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 Who here wouldn't love to see a happy ending like Lester got? Ending? It's not over; relationships are a process and there is no finish-line where success can be proclaimed. No one's current situation is guaranteed for all time. Things change and people change and what is today is not necessarily what will be tomorrow. There is no magical moment where everyone's marriage/relationship is set in stone and can't be touched. They're always a work in progress. Always. Re: broken. I don't feel broken. So I don't understand this. I'm happy, and my life post-divorce is the best it's been in many, many years and keeps getting better. So far. I guess I question the conclusion that divorce=broken and married=happiness and success. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 By happy ending I meant reconciliation. Lost Link to comment
Lonewing Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 Ending? It's not over; relationships are a process and there is no finish-line where success can be proclaimed. No one's current situation is guaranteed for all time. Things change and people change and what is today is not necessarily what will be tomorrow. There is no magical moment where everyone's marriage/relationship is set in stone and can't be touched. They're always a work in progress. Always. Re: broken. I don't feel broken. So I don't understand this. I'm happy, and my life post-divorce is the best it's been in many, many years and keeps getting better. So far. I guess I question the conclusion that divorce=broken and married=happiness and success. It's simple enough, broken is what the married and never been single by anything but choice call the divorced and dumped... Link to comment
AutumnBorn Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 Attrib, also check out Al Turtle's website: link removed Best relationship website ever. Begin with "What to do when she/he leaves you" and go from there. Follow Al's advice, if it rings true to you. Also, Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships is a must read. Link to comment
attrib1 Posted February 28, 2014 Author Share Posted February 28, 2014 Update from my side. Thank you all for the advice - I have purchased and read the books suggested as well as read the websites that were posted. Marriage counseling has helped - she has been talking to me and explained her unhappiness - not feeling supported at home by me, not listening, thoughts of retirement and what to do with her life after 50. I have followed the advice from the posts as well as in the books/internet and that has helped. She has seen a change in me both physically and in terms of the support I am giving to her (actively listening, helping with the kids/house, planning activities for us and the family). I have also told her that I am committed to making this work and that I still love her. I don't think she's having an affair based on my asking her as well as through my own checking. We went on a family vacation someplace warm for 10 days and while it had its ups and downs - she has told me that she's having second thoughts on getting divorced. This is tempered by the fact that she also said this might be the vacation talking and that she still doesn't love/have passion for me. She's also said that she's harbored these feelings for a long time and that it will take a long time for them to work them out and I understand that. Now that we are back from vacation, she's gone back to being cold and uncommunicative. I struggle with this of course. I also have thoughts about how long I can live like this (without having a committed partner) and what my life will be like with someone that has doubts about their love for me. Link to comment
Lester Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 Being a man you want to fix and move on; the problem is, you’re not a man. If you want to stay a husband and reach the same happy place I’m in you must give her time. (2-5 years) Expecting her to be a loving wife, NOW, only means you didn’t read/understand Smalley’s chapter five, “Climbing out of Marriage’s deepest pit) Read it again and give her time… don’t push. Again, your marriage will never be the same! It’s going to be a billions of times better… if you keep learning and let it. Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 There's only so much you should have to do. Sometimes it's too much. I wouldn't be happy going this route at all - would be much happier single. You're not sure of your love for me? Doesn't matter why, that's all I need to know - see ya. Link to comment
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