I am cheating part 2

[sunshinepink]

I read through some of the replies last night and there were some nice people who did not make judgement and were helpful

 

A few points-

 

Lavenderdove

 

 

So you won't be getting off scot-free if you leave your husband, you will basically being losing the respect of everyone you know AND paying child support for the next 15 years for kids you don't see that often.

 

 

I contacted a mediator who said that because my husband earns more and I am the one who supported him through University and get through his exams, he would have to pay be alimony even in the case of adultery.....and i would still get joint custody

 

>> I would loose the children as they would make life hell for A.

 

btw, did everyone miss this? The OP is making a clear statement that she is more concerned about her paramour than her children, and will give them up so that her paramour will have an easy life!

 

I think you missed it lavenderdove- i meant the community will make things hell for A....not the kids, A wants the kids and wouldnt let me separate from them

 

brownyeyesgirl36

 

It sounds, from what lavenderdove quoted above, that the OP is saying that her affair partner doesn't want the kids -- that they would make his life "hell." Thus, she's staying married so that she can keep him -- NOT because she fears losing her children to her husband if she divorces him, but because she fears that she'll lose her children because "A" wouldn't want them, and she would choose him over them. If I'm reading this wrong, please correct me.

 

Yes you have read it wrong

 

Victoria66

 

What has also happened to my soon-to-be ex-sister-in-law is that she has no one left in our family. No one in our family wants to even talk to her. Her parents are disgusted with her. All her friends have dropped her ,well except for her new divorced sleeping around friends. She has nobody and nothing left. Well except for her new divorced drinking buddies.

 

Now because she has nobody and nothing left she has become an alcoholic. She's right on the verge of losing a job she just got. She has become physically abusive to my brother and he's taking out a restraining order.

 

Now Op you may not end up like my ex sister-in-law but that just shows you how low people can get. She used to be a normal family loving woman who worked hard and did her best. Now she's an abusive piece of pond scum.

 

Thats a bit harsh, seems u have never really liked your sister in law....isnt it better to have allies who love and support you when u are divorced and living your life...than people who will only love/support u only if u are unhappy and married?

 

U say she used to be a normal family loving woman- how do you know? did she tell u her unhappiness? did she tell u her fears/dreams/insecurities? and she suddenly became abusive..?..i doubt that, no one wakes up one morning and becomes abusive.

 

 

There was also the case of my parents. My father was very abusive and when he had cancer, and subsequent remission two years later, I cared for him because my sister didnt want to know and my mother didnt care too much which i understand.

 

My mother used to cheat on my father, i know because she used to tell us and at times when we were younger used to leave us with our father, who would abuse us while she was 'away'. Do i hate my mother? no...i love her very much and knows she loves us but she was very unhappy in her marriage. I understand her circumstances, even now when i am in need, she is the first person to be there and support me.

 

When i first met A i told my mother and she told me to keep it a secret and carry on with my life with J.....because thats what people in our community do. Men and woman have been doing it for years...marrying for honour and then having infidelities on the side.

 

Also its worth mentioning....we come from a community of arranged marriages. J is a nice man and we were happy but i never fell in love with him, never dated him or felt the butterflies in my stomach and the anticipation of getting to know him....it was all done and dusted in two weeks on a family holiday.

 

Sometimes i think that at least once in my life i knew what it was like to fall in love ........it may not last with A, but then i fell in love with and i dont think anyone forgets or regrets their first love

[Dragunov-21]

Hi sunshine. I'm so sorry for the reception you received. I won't go into it again because it feels like I've been saying every half a dozen posts, but there's a reason you were treated this way and it's more to do with the respondents than you.

 

You should also know that continuation of a closed thread isn't allowable, so this one will likely get closed too.

[pippy longstocking]

Hi sunshine. I'm so sorry for the reception you received. I won't go into it again because it feels like I've been saying every half a dozen posts, but there's a reason you were treated this way and it's more to do with the respondents than you.

 

You should also know that continuation of a closed thread isn't allowable, so this one will likely get closed too.

 

I agree with drag , I am glad you came back on though , that was a brave move after what happened . This will most likely be removed but I hope you feel a little better at having at least come back and said your piece .

[Seraphim]

You have no clue whether I liked my sister-in-law or not . I can tell you though that what is happening to my brother is certainly not deserved in any way. And why would I care about a woman now who's making it her mission to destroy my brother? Why would I care about a woman who punches my brother in the face and spit in his face? She cheated on him and she's turning it around on him.

 

If you want to have infidelities fine I really couldn't care less but think about the damage you could be doing to your children.

 

And looking at our parent's mistakes critically is not about "not loving them." We can still say our parents made horrible mistakes that impacted our lives and we can still love our parents.

 

But don't think you're not impacting your children's lives because you are.

 

If you want to know my sister-in-law's justification for cheating here it is: my brother had to take a job accross the country six years ago to advance his career. He was there for seven months but he came home five times during that seven months. She told him she would never forgive him ever for " leaving her ". He didn't leave her he was providing for his family. So she decided to "make him pay." So she cheated on him at that time. Then she told him why she did it. They decided to stay together. But because he wasn't laying on the floor in complete adoration of her anymore she decided to cheat again. And she has been slowly leaking out the equity out of their house to go meet with her lover accross the country for 2 years. She has also rooked my brother for $1 million.

 

So yeah please don't assume that she is some poor denied little princess who did not get treated right or was not in love at one time. Because that is not her story . My brother treated her like gold and allowed her to spend her $130,000 a year pay cheque on anything she wanted while he paid for everything.

 

She is just an spoiled and entitled insane cow. That is her problem.

[savignon]

I didn't read the first thread and I don't condone cheating myself ...however....it seems like your family/mom and culture condones the two different things going on at the same time--marriage and a secret relationship. I can't imagine being forced into a marriage so it makes sense (to me) that people would still look to fill their souls/hearts outside of what was pre-arranged for them on whatever other basis.

If its "all good" within your family and culture, I'm wondering what the original question/concern was? You seem to be happy and your family/mom is okay with it... we all damage our kids one way or another. Cheating and causing family drama is certainly one way to do it and of course it will have a lasting impact on what they think of the opposite sex, marriage, affairs, etc. and likely you as a mother/woman. That's the nature of the beast.

[agent1607307371]

Mod Note: Stay on topic and keep replies respectful and applicable to the OP.

[CeeLambrini]

What would you like to happen now sunshinepink? What is the next step?

I get that tight communities seem to have their own unwritten rules and regulations, but we all only have one life and it sure is too short to waste on a communities rules and regulations don't you think?

 

You and your husband aren't working - with or without the affair. That is clear to me. I am not going to give the same advice your mother gave you because I think it is wrong for all parties involved. I don't condone cheating, not many people do - but I also don't condone staying in a loveless marriage where neither of you are happy. Your children won't even know what true love is if you continue this old, traditional charade of marriage without falling in love first.

You know first hand that arranged marriages are not the best way to spend your life, so be the first to break out of such a tradition. J also knows it's not working but is probably wanting to stick to these values that you all seem to have been brought up with, but I'm pretty sure if he fell in love with another woman he would also be feeling the same way you are.

 

I think it's time for a divorce - honestly, with or without the affair your marriage is no longer working. Then you can go be happy with A, or alone, or meet someone new. You and J can remain civil and still bring up the children between you without having to live a lie.

[Selflove1]

I have no advice to give, nor do I judge you. It's an awful situation and I hope you find peace in whatever decision you make.

[Tanzi]

Hi sunshinepink. I have just had a quick flick through your previous thread, though I didn't read all the replies.

 

You said that divorce is looked down upon in your community and that you would not have the support of your family. Firstly, what would happen if they found out that you were having an affair? Would that not bring with it an even bigger shame? The chances are that your husband may find out especially as he may have noticed a change in you and become suspicious. Secondly, are you sure that you won't have the support of your family bearing in mind what you and your siblings went through and how your mother felt about her unhappy marriage.

 

You need to weigh up whether living in a loveless, sexless marriage is better than being disowned by your community and make a decision one way or another because carrying on as you are isn't going to bring a resolution.

 

Also, as was asked, (I may have missed the answer) have you and your husband sought marriage counselling?

[itsallgrand]

In my opinion sunshine, you are continuing a legacy of abuse that probably started before your mother. But she was the one who taught you what it is to be abused and to abuse.

 

It's your life and your responsibility. WOuld you want your kids to grow up and play out this exact same pattern again? Marry for obligation, then go around cheating, but keep up the face for a community that is probably all doing the same?

 

Have you ever been separated from your mother and gained independence from her influence? Because it sounds like she has a lot of influence in your life.

 

If you have access to a mediator, might be helpful to look into your relationship with your mother with that mediator. Ask them if they think ti is healthy.

 

I don't think what you are doing is healthy. And frankly, I think it's going to screw up your kids. I think you are cheating them by doing this and failing to address the real issues. Your personal ones, IMO.

 

Another thing I wondered is if you are somewhat isolated in a very tight knit and closed community - do you have access and relationships with people out side that community or are you dependent on that?

[Capricorn3]

You should also know that continuation of a closed thread isn't allowable, so this one will likely get closed too.

Just want to clarify here. She is allowed to start another thread because the previous thread got closed through no fault of her own. It got closed due to members completely derailing it with "in-house fighting" that had nothing to do with her. (We don't allow an OP to start another thread when their first thread got closed because THEY (the OP) got out of hand and fighting etc).

 

To second Agents post: Stay on topic and keep replies respectful and applicable to the OP.

[Dragunov-21]

Ah, my mistake, sorry.

[Capricorn3]

No problem...

[Mesemene]

I know it is A I want to be with but J is not letting me go. he wants to make it work....for the kids.....if he found out about A he would take sole custody of them and the house (because he earns x10 what I do and adultery wont work in my favour)

 

From that, in your original post, it doesn't sound like cheating is really condoned in your community, more that a few select family members would support you - namely your mom - as long as it was a secret.

 

I'm not sure how you ended up so involved with A - but if you haven't been to counseling, I think it would be worth a shot. It's always easier to see the ideal picture with someone else when you're not actually living with them 24/7. The romance, the butterflies, the thrill of the clandestine nature of an affair - all of those contribute to the infatuation and honeymoon "phase." And most of it fades, sometimes with a bang, when you're dealing with each other, chores, finances, and kids every day, in and out. There's no way to buy insurance that you will be a good fit with A for the long haul and sharing every intimacy of your lives daily. You could end up tossing away a stable, if not thrilling, marriage that could have the potential for more with work and effort from you both for a whirlwind romance that ends up with you alone.

 

And last but not least - how will this affect your children if it doesn't work out? Or even if it does?

[Realitynut]

It was only a few generations back, that men had affairs often, and even tho frowned on.....were basically just turned a 'blind eye' to all. Even the presidents....had well known 'secretaries' and we all know about Marilyn Monroe. It wasn't til Clinton that we found out that even the PRESIDENT has to be above board these days. The press use to protect those in power.

 

My dad....who died a few years ago at almost 80...had affairs almost his entire life. Mom ended up losing her love for him as the years went on....but as i got older, I could also see why he did it. And the insecurities in himself....and the 'validation' he needed to boast his ego...he all got from these other women. But mom never did, and never would. She said as much. I heard her say, "dad wants people to 'brag' on him...but i won't do it!!" On his deathbed, he told me stories that i never knew....and i realize mom had lost her love for him shortly after they were married.

 

I believe there are two sides to every story. And i also believe that if one cheats...USUALLY there is a reason for it! If they really had a happy and healthy relationship.....cheating would not be an issue.

 

I've been on both sides of that coin.....and i can get very self-righteous about the evils of cheating....but i also know the deep level everyone has to want to give love and be loved in return.

 

There are some 'communities' and ethnicites that still view cheating like 'we' did back in the 40's and 50's. Just close our eyes.

 

I really don't feel like it is our place to judge.....and children don't all come out damaged by it. (cheating) Is staying in a loveless marriage for 20 years like I did, better than getting divorced? I robbed my children of the chance to see how 'loving' couples interact....

 

ok...it's late and sorry about the rant...

[pippy longstocking]

I know a couple ....this is really sad

 

they are both in their 70's , been together since their teen years . I would see them going past my house in the car and wave at them and stand and smile to myself at how amazing it must be to have been in the same wonderful marriage for all those years .

 

I got to know them more and more .....and that is when the truth came out and I was horrified . They despise the bones of each other .

 

She told me first , she came to have a cuppa and sit in my garden one day and out it all came ..when they where about 22 he had an affair .. he left but then came back because they had two girls ... that's 50 years ago and she has never felt for him what she should and just carries on .

 

then he told me , he blamed her for him having an affair ( it wasn't my place to make any comment on that haha) he just went back because of the girls and carried on .

 

on separate occasions they have both told me " if only" they could win the lottery each one would just bugger off , leave the other with enough money to live ok , but leave and enjoy what life thay have left .

 

to be around them both is torture ...it is so evident they are stuck in this in their 70's with not a lot of love going on .

 

I don't know what my point is really ...I guess it is that we have tomake decisions based on our truth and not just what everyone thinks we should do ...at the end of the day it is ourselves who have to live with ourselves .

[Seraphim]

You gave the answer at the end of your post, DIVORCE. If one is not happy and you can not fix the situation divorce is the answer. If you can legally get a divorce that is the right answer.

Divorce allows someone to keep their integrity and move on to something they do want. My mother got a divorce when it was still frowned upon but anything to get away from my abusive cheating father. Her family lived on the other side of the country so she had no support at all ,all she had was $10 in her pocket and her two kids.

[Dragunov-21]

You gave the answer at the end of your post, DIVORCE. If one is not happy and you can not fix the situation divorce is the answer. If you can legally get a divorce that is the right answer.

Divorce allows someone to keep their integrity and move on to something they do want. My mother got a divorce when it was still frowned upon but anything to get away from my abusive cheating father. Her family lived on the other side of the country so she had no support at all ,all she had was $10 in her pocket and her two kids.

 

That kind of integrity is a luxury much of the world cannot afford. Your mother made a hard choice, but that doesn't make it the minimum standard.

[Seraphim]

That kind of integrity is a luxury much of the world cannot afford. Your mother made a hard choice, but that doesn't make it the minimum standard.

 

I said if you can legally do it why not?? I see one's personal integrity as a total standard not a luxury.

[Dragunov-21]

What consitutes/damages integrity is subjective. Your standard is not the only valid one.

[Seraphim]

I know that. But I am allowed to state it.

 

But if everyone is willing to take their lumps for their actions it is all good.

[Dragunov-21]

Of course, I'm merely pointing out that it's not the absolute you're making it out to be.

[lavenderdove]

I am not sure what you are looking for here... validation that it is OK to cheat? proving to yourself and the world that your mother was right to cheat by repeating your mother's history trying to overcome the shame your culture places on adulterers and divorce? trying to break free of that culture? trying to have your cake and eat it too? having unrealistic expectations that you can divorce and still have everything you want, or stay with a husband who won't accept a cheater and still be allowed to cheat?

 

Don't waste any time 'crusading' to prove you are right or wrong or your mother was right or wrong. Life is about CHOICES and choices have outcomes, and not always the outcomes we'd hope or like. So you need to very carefully evaluate your own choices and behaviors and see if they are putting you on a path to happiness, or putting you on a path to ruin, or somewhere in between.

 

The bottom line is that if your culture believe in arranged marriages and does not believe in adultery, if you want to stay in good standing with your culture you have to follow the 'rules'. And if you don't follow the rules, then you have to accept that you pay the price for breaching them. That does not argue that you go one way or another, but that you carefully analyze all your choices, and the potential (and most likely) outcomes for those choices, and make a decision accordingly.

 

If your lawyer has told you your ex will pay child support, and that you will get joint custody of your children, then it sounds like the likely outcome of leaving your husband is not the physical loss of your children or poverty, but you will totally lose standing in the community, extended family, and possibly the respect of your children if they are going to align with their father and the community.

 

And if you stay with your husband and continue to cheat, most likely someone will eventually find out, and you'll be back to losing that respect.

 

Is that respect worth more to you than being with your lover is? Only you can decide that.

 

But honestly you are not going to get a lot of approval anywhere for cheating because it is a 'weak' choice. By that I mean, rather than evaluating your options and making a hard choice to leave your husband in an honorable way, you are instead trying to have your cake and eat it too in a way that will shame your husband publicly if everyone finds out, and frankly he doesn't deserve that. So that is a lot of the animosity people feel towards cheaters, that you are willing to lie and betray someone you have sworn to support and care for, so cheating is a selfish choice that negatively impacts a lot of people. Divorcing is of course not the best ending to a family either, but it doesn't throw that extra helping of betrayal and public shaming of your husband, family and children that cheating does on top of it.

 

So you're not going to get too much sympathy from anyone for the 'i'm just a poor lonely woman and I need to be loved' argument from people, because we all need to be loved, but most people will NOT choose to get that love via betraying and shaming a spouse by cheating on them before they leave them. They choose to spend the time to try to work on their marriage via marriage counseling and effort, or they choose to take the consequences of divorce before they do betray their spouse and family.

 

You're not in love with your husband and don't want to work on it? Then leave. That is probably the best answer all around, leave and take your lumps for your behavior and betrayal of cultural norms, and if you don't like the values of your culture that subscribe to arranged married, fidelity, and no divorce, then leave the culture and don't socialize with those in it rather than just whining about how you can't have your cake and eat it too and how awful that is. As they say, life is hard, and you have to deal with it!

[Realitynut]

then leave the culture and don't socialize with those in it rather than just whining about how you can't have your cake and eat it too and how awful that is. As they say, life is hard, and you have to deal with it!

 

I agree with most of what you said, but i think saying she is 'whining' is unfair and judgemental. Why not just give your opinion without calling someone names...ie. a "whiner". I don't feel she came here to 'whine', or to say she is 'whining'....

 

Can't people be 'nice' to new posters? I remember when i went to other boards...and was bashed big time. I felt much safer here...but still......sometimes......ugh.

[lavenderdove]

^^

Realitynut, the issue is you seem to follow some posters around (including me) criticizing their posts if someone doesn't coddle the poster in cotton wool. Each of us has our opinions and ways of expressing ourselves, and I frankly like to help people and will not want to waste my time editing my words in order to make them to your satisfaction. Sometimes posters need to shift from complaining and feeling sorry for themselves to actually doing something about their predictment, and having multiple posters saying 'poor you' over and over doesn't get them unstuck or really help them by shifting their frame of reference to doing something that will actually help them rather then encourage them to wallow in self pity when action is the only thing that will resolve their issues.

 

It is important to stay on topic and give your own comments about the OP's situation without spending so much time picking apart other people's posts just because they don't agree with you or think that coddling a poster who is stuck in self pity is to their advantage.