Now What?

[Dabbadoo]

OK. So, I've been dating my boyfriend for about two years. He is about ten years older than me and has expressed that he does not want anymore children nor wants to remarry.(he is divorced with a teenage son) I sometimes think by staying with him I would be giving up the opportunity to be a mother myself. I am 36. I've never had a reason not to trust him, and cannot excuse myself for what I did. I looked through his old phone after he got a new one. I know! Bad idea! I wish I never had! Turns out my sweet& innocent boyfriend isn't so sweet. I read texts to girls that were actually within the first few months we were dating. One in particular is a bartender we often see that he had sex with evidently. Although gross, I'm not even upset about that. What has me floored is reading about all of the "" he called the or escorts that he joked about with his friends that he had hired. They would send links of pics back& forth of very young (19) ladies that were advertising online for company. Granted this happened slightly before we hooked up, I am disgusted! There were even times that his friends & himself would split the bill& both take turns with these girls. Evidently this was a common practice for them. Even though this happened from what was documented the year up until we got together, I don't know how to proceed. He had also made comments about getting pissed because the girl showed up with a muffin top& didn't match the photos. He also made jokes about screwing local " fat chicks" and how he needed to stop drinking so much. I am very offended especially since I have put on extra weight& consider myself plus size. I know I am at fault for snooping. After the fact, I can't help but think differently about him. I wouldn't have ever expected his lack of respect for women. And the fact he hired girls younger than half his age to have sex with sickens me. We don't live together, and now see each other about 3 nights a week when I sleep over. I just wonder if I just cut my losses now& find a partner that I could potentially have a family with instead of regretting it after I am past the point of having kids. I love him, but I have a totally different view of him now. Help!

[sammi87]

Help?? What exactly do you need help with? Your boyfriend is a shallow, lying, cheating creep who has offered you no future for the relationship.

 

Stop beating yourself up about snooping through a discarded cell phone. Technically, it was wrong...but likely some part of you picked up on the fact that he had something to hide and you needed to know.

 

Pack your things and move out. IF he asks why, just say "I saw what was in your old cell phone." Then initiate no contact.

[missmarple]

Leave him. Don't even think about it. I would be so disgusted that I would run, not walk, out of the door.

[Dabbadoo]

I know. You both are right. I'm just in shock right now. Although this happened during the year up to the time we got together, it speaks volumes about his character. He's definitely not the person I thought he was. I'm disgusted.

[emma34]

Please do not stay with this piece of sh*t. No woman deserves to be with a man like this. You cannot trust him. He will cheat on you, perhaps with a hooker, perhaps who is 19....you are in a bad situation, the only thing to do is to get out. Also, don't blame yourself for going through his phone...sometimes women have a gut feeling, you did, and that's why you went through his phone, and even though it was a violation of privacy, you have to do what you have to do to protect yourself. now that you know this information, you can protect yourself. If I were you, I would just end it, and not even telll him what you saw..don't even bother confronting him because he will try to manipulate you...just end it because things are not working out for you...

[ParisPaulette]

Leave him. Yes, I know the snooping was bad, but you've just gotten a good look at the underlying character that your BF and his friends have and what they really think of women. Besides at 36 you aren't too young to have kids, I had my second child around your age and my third one when I was 41. So toss the whole "I'm old, no one will ever love me or give me kids" idea out the window, because 36 isn't old. However life IS too short to hang out with a guy who has the nerve to pay for it and then complain and criticize the women who find themselves in a position where they have to sell their bodies to eat. And trust me, most women don't do that for a living, because they love it and love having sex with random strangers. Pay for it fine, but shut your mouth and show a little class towards someone who has to let you touch her just so she and possibly her kids can eat.

 

I would break it off and get out of there based on that alone. Shutting up now because I seldom get angry, but your post about this guy made me see red.

[Dabbadoo]

Thank you for your post. Like I said before, I'm in total shock. When it's said and done, I'm sure I'll be pissed. I'm more upset that I've grown attached to his child. However, I know I can't continue this relationship. I just had to post this for the support and advice of others. I feel so stupid!

[emma34]

We are here for support and while I can't speak for everyone...I think anyone with common sense will validate you wanting to leave him....good luck and be strong!

[Dabbadoo]

Thank you, thank you. This really helps!!

[BigKK]

Don't even think twice about checking a phone, you obviously had some kind of suspicious to check it. Let's call it intuition...and guess what, you were right to. It's not the issue...this guy is scum. You deserve much much much better.

[Dabbadoo]

Thank you. I guess some people are good at hiding their true colors. I don't even want the argument because I know he'll just say that it was in the past, so I figure I'll just say that things arent working for me. Even though I want to call him out for being suck a pig! Like DrPhil says, the only thing worse than being with someone for two years that doesn't deserve you, is staying for two years and a day.

[shelty24]

So what you snooped? Big deal. I dont know why people feel guilty for doing that. Youve a right to know whether you can trust him or not and you obviously cant. Should have snooped a long time ago..

 

anyway this guy is sick, twisted and perverted. No wonder his ex wife divorced him. Now you just got to get him out of your life.

 

And y have you been settling for a guy whose been saying theres no future for 2 years? Seriously?

 

Ive said it before and ill say it again. Stay away from divorced men. Theres a reason there no longer married and they have too much freaking baggage

[Dabbadoo]

Well, I'm divorced as well. And being jaded myself, I too had the mindset that I wasn't going to marry again. But, granted that was in the beginning. Certainly before 2 years had elapsed. I think maybe I had self esteem issues and probably fell too quick. He has been divorced for a few years. When talking about our past relationships, he claims he only dated a few people but never had a girlfriend since his divorce before me. He has a prominent job, pretty introverted, and was always a gentleman and respectful to me. I would have never guessed that he would've engaged in that type of behavior! There's no way I could stay with him wondering if when I left he was paying some little girl a couple hundred bucks to come get his rocks off. What a jerk! Guess he'll have plenty of money now to buy as much action as he wants. I just pray he was being safe and didn't have any diseases to spread to me. I'll definitely be tested.

[metrogirl]

Even if you hadn't snooped, he wasn't willing to give you what you want in the relationship so it's better to cut your losses now and move on.

[john45]

Run for the hills!

 

I don't really understand why someone would behave in that way.

 

Yes, his behaviour doesn't fit in with your values, so it sounds like you found it before you're further into this relationship. There are good guys out there. Best wishes

[Dabbadoo]

Thanks for your awesome input& advice. It definitely is appreciated!