Am I justified in feeling this way?

[pandorasbox1]

My ex and I have been on and off for the past 7 and a half months. The last time he brought up how miserable he was I agreed to let him go as I was equally miserable with the minimal effort he was putting in. We agreed to just stay friends. In the process of writing him off romantically for good he started to reel me in again and paid me more attention than ever. It felt good but at that point I wasnt concerned with him and I was getting on with my life. Recently he's spoken about us and a future and is always very physical with me when we see eachother. There is no label to things and he said again that he wouldnt have kept me in his life if he didnt see more to us. He said he wants to take things extra slow which is fine since I have a hard time really trusting what he says when he keeps reeling me in only to cut the cord later again.

 

I have been really well behaved and havent created drama of any sort. However, when one or two issues did come up, he tends to freak out, get negative about us and ignore me for days because in his mind I'm creating drama. Normally I would try keep quiet about some things but other things upset me to the point that if I dont talk to him about it and resolve my feelings, then I end up becoming resentful and hateful of him.

 

Since we have been broken up he has at one point posted a half naked pic of himself on facebook. This upset me because at the time he told me he wanted to be with me. In my mind posting a pic of yourself like that is screaming for attention or looking for someone elses interest. I spoke to him about it and all he said was that it was for him, his own motivation to look good and stay in shape. To me it seems like looking for validation which he keeps telling me is not the case because he doesn't work out for anyone but himself. Despite still being upset I let it go.

 

Recently he did this again. The picture was a lot more provocative than the previous one. It literally made my heart crumble. We recently had another discussion to which his punishment was to pull away from me so the timing of him posting this pic left a lot to be desired. I asked him about it and he knew I was upset. Again I explained where I was coming from and at this point I told him if he was going to act single then I would walk away for good. Again he told me the same bs story about how its for him and no one else... which again makes no sense. If it really was some form of motivation for himself then he may as well stick pictures of himself on his wall at home.

 

I just felt totally and utterly disrespected. Am I wrong to assume that he is looking for attention from other women and to doubt him when he says he isn't out there looking and that im the only one he wants? I've reached a point with him where I dont care if he stays or goes and more often than not im considering walking away forever but somehow cant bring myself to do it. I refused to apologise for how I felt this time and he did end up taking the picture down and then proceeded to make me feel guilty about it. He said he wasnt mad and sort of understood where I was coming from but that he needed time to process things. I know this is going to come back to bite me which makes me continuously feel like I cant ever really open up to him without him feeling attacked and then withdrawing.

 

Was I justified in feeling upset? I asked him to put himself in my shoes and he said he couldnt because I would never post a picture of myself in my underwear... which is a lie. He was trying win his own argument. He would have been as furious as I was. Im trying to be as mature about the state of our relationship as I can be and in some sense I feel like I had no right to get upset since we arent even officially together or anywhere near that point.

 

Advice, thoughts or insights welcome

[lerenard]

leave him and don't bother even talking with him, even in the internet. naked pictures are not the biggest problem. its how he handles himself.

[RedDress]

I think you are overreacting about the pictures on Facebook.

 

First - you don't want him "acting single" - but he IS single.

 

Also - I don't think it necessarily means that those pics are to attract girls. They could be... but I also know a couple of happily married men who work out and post half-naked pics on Facebook of their abs. It's a lot of hard work and it's true that they want attention and for people to say "wow" - but they are just as happy for that "wow" to come from their cousins, their mom, their guy friends, etc. In other words, they just want acknowledgement of their accomplishments. It's a bit of a double-standard - you are right. But it's true. I guess it depends on the pictures themselves - but I would say that it would be more equivalent to a woman in her running gear than a woman in her underwear.

 

Either way, I think what is confusing/bad for you is that you are in a 'limbo' state in your relationship. Either you guys want to be together or you don't. All of this "let's take things super slow" is confusing and upsetting. Are you together? Are you not together? Can he date others? Can you? I think that - at it's root - this is a lot more disturbing than the pics.

 

I think you should just have a conversation with him about either getting back together or not. If you are together, you are together. If you are not, then you should go no contact. I think the 'limbo' state will just serve to feed any insecurities you may have (and reasonably so). It's a crazy-making state. I think that needs to be cleared up...

[t1lersm0m1]

Listen to your feelings! They are telling you what you feel, and you are RIGHT to feel this way.

 

The big thing that jumps out at me is his ignoring you. My ex did that to me. He was and probably still is emotionally unhealthy. If there was tension in our relationship, I wanted to fix it asap (I just realized I have abandonment issues) and he would ignore me. Not for days, but he would ignore me completely, or wait an hour in between replying to texts. He said he doesn't like conflict. TO me it wasn't conflict. We had an issue, it upset him but he never told me he was upset, whenI would realize he was upset I would want to talk to him so we could fix it, and he would ignore me.

 

People should be able to work out their issues as adults, not run away from them by ignoring you.

 

Please listen to me and listen to your feelings. Feelings don't lie. I don't think you are over reacting at all. He has issues. Maybe you can work through them, but another BIG thing I learned through my break up is HE HAS TO WANT TO WORK THROUGH THEM. We can't fix these men. They have to want to change and learn to deal with things better! I wanted to help my ex, but when I tried he got down on himself and would say "Well I guess I suck at XYZ." I only ever tried to help him in the most loving ways. I never insulted him or said "OMG how can you say/think/feel that way?" But if I said anything in a constructive manner, he took it as a put down. That wasn't my fault, that was his emotional unhealth.

[ParisPaulette]

The problem here is that a) he's keeping you in the dreaded purgatory zone where he dangles the promise of "some day" to you and b) he isn't with you officially and yes he is looking for other women. Just the fact he isn't with you 100 percent is evidence of that.

 

I'm going to be blunt here. You do not have a healthy normal relationship either as friends or lovers and he is a bit of a drama seeker who sounds like he just looks for excuses to get upset, create drama and then bounce out of your life. Only to become interested ONLY when you walk away and he senses you no longer want him or are moving on. And I can tell you from having been in such a relationship that this is all this relationship will ever be. And that by allowing him to remain in your life even ostensibly as a friend you will keep getting sucked into the undertow of the head games he enjoys playing. And yes, he does enjoy them or he wouldn't do it over and over again. You've taken the bait repeatedly, he gets to play you for all your worth, he enjoys the drama and telling himself that he's so cool because he's got a girl on a string who will keep letting him come and go whenever he pleases. And then when you walk he realizes he's about to lose his plaything and he turns back on the charm to keep you from leaving, because--and this is important to understand--he does not want the game to end. Not that he wants a relationship with you and certainly not a normal, healthy one, but that he does not want the game of you running after him while he calls the shots to end. It makes him feel big. It makes him feel important. It boosts his ego. It's so not about you, it's all about him. And it always will be.

 

There's only one piece of advice I can give you and anyone else in this type of a relationship and that's to end it all accross the boards. You don't be their friend, you tell them you don't even want to be friends, you don't want them in your life at all, and then you block and delete and go NC and shut them out of your life forever. Or they will run these head games on you from now until the end of time and you will get sucked in whenever you feel vulnerable or they make you feel guilty or, or, or (fill in blank). This type of person is actually a very toxic individual to have in your life regardless of their role. And they make really crappy friends let alone lovers. Let him go completely, shut the door on him, find someone who can communicate with you and who wants a normal, healthy relationship. This guy doesn't.

[pandorasbox1]

Thank you guys. I guess I needed to hear that I wasnt alone in this type of thing. I know its not healthy and im gradually distancing myself emotionally. Im not even sure I can say that I love him anymore either. I have put a timeline in place for myself and im working on working my way out. I fear that I will never be free of him in many ways. Some days I still think he is perfect and I should be ever so lucky to have him in my life but luckily those moments have become few and far between lately. He is the furthest from the man I fell in love with and I wish that he would make things easier and sever the ties permanently himself... but he wont. He will always find a way to stay connected to me. I just wish I knew his motivations or the real truth behind what he is doing. His words mean little more than nothing to me because he always goes and does the opposite of what he says. Im just so tired I feel like this has been a 7 month breakup.