Doesnt want to make it official

[hopefully]

And hence the absolute power dynamic. Between getting you the job and promising you a car--- you are "indebted" to her....and that is what she wanted.

 

Do you think she loves me, but dont want to be with me or she just want sex?

[mhowe]

She loves the sex. Period.

And if you leave her, she will find a new boy. Because that is who she is.

[Moontiger]

And hence the absolute power dynamic. Between getting you the job and promising you a car--- you are "indebted" to her....and that is what she wanted.

 

I work in an art gallery. Day one they told me about "building debt" basically a person comes in a looks at something. We greet them chat etc. Then we start offering them things "Let me get you something to drink." "Let me do something special. I am going to put this painting in really good light so you can see XYZ." As we do these thing we "build debt" the more we do, the more the person feels (on a basic level) they should do something for us. This increases a the possibility that they might buy something.

 

Do you understand what I'm saying?

[hopefully]

I work in an art gallery. Day one they told me about "building debt" basically a person comes in a looks at something. We greet them chat etc. Then we start offering them things "Let me get you something to drink." "Let me do something special. I am going to put this painting in really good light so you can see XYZ." As we do these thing we "build debt" the more we do, the more the person feels (on a basic level) they should do something for us. This increases a the possibility that they might buy something.

 

Do you understand what I'm saying?

 

Thats really unethical.

[Moontiger]

Ok i wont meet her then. But dont we all buy our partners gifts. She finally gave up. May be for today.

 

It really isn't the gift buying that's the problem. Its the motivation behind it that's the problem.

[Moontiger]

Thats really unethical.

 

How? We aren't forcing them to do anything. And, what else could we do? We have to make a living just like anyone else. Each profession has its tricks and this just happens to be part of my current profession. You see this in a number of different fields.

 

The difference between what I do and what your mistress does is this: I do what I do in a setting where this is expected. The clients and sales people all know what is going on. She is "debt building" with a person she claims to care about. And, yes, she is unethical.

 

EDIT: As a side note, "doing something for us" is the debt building dynamic could be other things then buying something on the spot. It could be given us their email or phone number.

[hopefully]

How? We aren't forcing them to do anything. And, what else could we do? We have to make a living just like anyone else. Each profession has its tricks and this just happens to be part of my current profession. You see this in a number of different fields.

 

The difference between what I do and what your mistress does is this: I do what I do in a setting where this is expected. The clients and sales people all know what is going on. She is "debt building" with a person she claims to care about. And, yes, she is unethical.

 

Ok. But she's a good girl if you leave out what she's doing with me. She contributes a lot to charity and animal welfare organizations. She's nice to everyone.

[mhowe]

So what!

She cheats on her husband and is using you for her personal gratification with not much regard to your feelings.

[hopefully]

So what!

She cheats on her husband and is using you for her personal gratification with not much regard to your feelings.

 

Ok i will keep ignoring her. Can you be affectionate with someone that you only want sex from. Because when she's with me she hugs me all the time sometime requests that i rub her head and kiss her forehead. Its confusing me.

[mhowe]

Cripes ---- she actually has physical requests of you....you are being affectionate with her.

 

Do you truly not see how one-sided this is?

[hopefully]

Cripes ---- she actually has physical requests of you....you are being affectionate with her.

 

Do you truly not see how one-sided this is?

 

I didnt think of it that way. Thanks.

[Moontiger]

Ok. But she's a good girl if you leave out what she's doing with me. She contributes a lot to charity and animal welfare organizations. She's nice to everyone.

 

A person can be a great in one part of their lives and a monster in others. To use an extreme example: A man who goes to church, helps his neighbors, and coaches little league. But then beats his wife if dinner isn't on the table exactly at 6:00pm.

 

So, she can be a good person in one area and a manipulator and emotional abuser with you.

[hopefully]

What if i stopped loving her and just stayed in the relationship for sex. Would that still be bad for me?

[Moontiger]

What if i stopped loving her and just stayed in the relationship for sex. Would that still be bad for me?

 

Based on what I know about you (limited of course to just this thread) I would have to say that is an INSANE idea. You will get deeply hurt. And, you would still be helping a women cheat on her husband. Is that the kind of person you want to be?

[hopefully]

Based on what I know about you (limited of course to just this thread) I would have to say that is an INSANE idea. You will get deeply hurt. And, you would still be helping a women cheat on her husband. Is that the kind of person you want to be?

 

No. But at the same time her offers seem so tempting. I wont probably do it. But i feel like im giving up on a lot of things by ending this.

[mhowe]

What you are giving up:

dignity

self esteem

pride

a chance to have an authentic relationship

 

What you are getting:

sex with a married woman

maybe an SUV down the line

secrecy and deception

 

Kinda looks like a no brainer.

[lavenderdove]

>>Ok she has replied to my email saying she has proof that im not a secret and her friends know about me.

 

Go back and read my earlier posts. Cheaters frequently have 'beards'... other same sex friends who they clue in to the cheating (though they never tell their spouses or anyone who might tell their spouses). So she'll introduce you to another cheater in her circle of friends... and they'll all feel as smug as cats with cream on their faces because they've got boy toys and socialize with each other's boy toys while their husbands are none the wiser.

 

I know a man who is a huge cheater and has been cheating now thru FOUR marriages. He has a guy that he runs with all the time, both of them cheaters, and they cover for each other. He gets his buddy to say he was out golfing with him to his wife, meanwhile he's really out banging one of his women on the side. So they cover for each other.

 

That is all she is offering you, the ability to hang around with her other immoral friends who are cheating on their husbands. If she is not getting divorced, then she is not serious about you or ever making you her social equal and having a relationship that is visible to all and above board and honorable. She'll let you join her little secret cheaters club with a few of her friends who are also cheaters, but you won't get thru the front door of the country club with her, that's for sure!

[chitown9]

Another thing to consider is her husband's outrage when he finds out about you....and he will find out about you eventually if you continue this affair with her.... ...chi

[hopefully]

She called me several times today too. I didnt pick up and then i answered the phone for who i thought was someone else but it was her calling from a skype number. We had a long conversation and she told me how bad she feels about me ignoring her after everything she's done for me and that i should give her one chance and hang out with her and her friends and see that everything is okay. I basically told her that it means nothing and that she needs to get divorced. She said a divorce is a long procedure and it takes time and that she will tell her husband about us in a couple of weeks because she's scared to tell. I told her we can meet after she tells him. She also talked about getting me a different job, a lot better one and after talking about it we ended the conversation.

[hopefully]

I told her that. But she specifically said that its her friends who brought up the idea of meeting me because they really want to see me.

[Moneypenny]

This right here in bold says it ALL!

 

You are not ignoring her. It is she who is harrassing you! Be careful that she doesn't turn into a bunny boiler ( ), because the lengths this woman is going to is incredulous.

 

And yeah. Get yourself a different job - on your own - one that she has had no part in getting for you. Empower yourself at least, with that.

 

One more thing. The 2 weeks grace she's asking for? She'll be considering the scandal it would cause if she told her husband, and whether the emotional upheaval, and financial hell of their divorce is worth it. She clearly likes to be in control. So it will be her that tells you that after 'much careful consideratiion' SHE has decided that you have to go; or, that if you really, truly, love her, you'll accept your place as her secret lover.

 

Please, I hope you won't consider stooping to her level by meeting up with her girlfriends who will no doubt gawp at you in wonder. Believe me, once they meet you, you'll be the talk of the town. The whole thing is seedy, and distasteful, quite frankly. And this is a sure way of her husband finding out - eventually - which he will.

 

Someone on this thread said that you are heartbroken now. That if you continue, the pain will be much, much worse. You came here for an outside perspective, and support. Use it well.

[Moontiger]

See how she falls right back into black mailing you? "How dare you request THAT! I bought you things!"

[mhowe]

Couple of weeks?.....and what would change between now and then? Nothing. And why would he be so angry if this is a loveless marriage? Havent they already discussed divorce?

 

It appears the story is under constant revision. As are the bribes.

[hopefully]

According to her thats what she wants. For her husband and people to find out slowly.

[metrogirl]

When her husband does finally find out that she's a sneaky snake, she probably won't have two cents to rub together when he gets done. So if you are expecting any kind of financial payout or gifts of substance, I'd think again. You two will probably be on the bus together.