Doesnt want to make it official

[hopefully]

Its very normal to feel this way when breaking away from a manipulator. Detox from her and in a few months you will be able to look back and see everything that everyone on here sees. When you are right in the thick of things with someone like this it can be very painful to leave.

 

I stopped feeling ill after speaking to her.

[lavenderdove]

How does it feel to be a gigolo or a 'mister' (as in mistress)? Because honestly, that is what you are... she's a married women with money and power and is using that to entice a young man who still has a stiff rod to slip her the rod. She may be FINE with her husband and lying about it, but at his age (i assume he's at least her age, 48 or higher) his sexual prowess may be slipping due to medical issue (high blood pressure medication etc.) that can affect his ability to get good erections and complete sex.

 

So you're a sex toy buddy. I hope you understand that. If she really wanted to divorce, she'd be divorced. She's crying in the phone because she thought she'd got a new toy then you snatched it away from her like taking a toy from a toddler. Really, don't mistake this for anything other than it is. You're her boy on the side and she likes her new toy, but eventually she'll get a new one if you put too many demands on her or you start to be too high maintenance.

[lavenderdove]

btw, you say you are attracted to her because of her status. Social status is a two-edged sword. In her own social circle, she'll get kudos for being cougar enough to get herself a young boy toy, but all you'll be is the toy, a gigolo/mister and not worthy to rub elbows with them as an equal socially. They'll all see you as a young boy who's willing to be bought and paid for for the sexual services you provide.

 

People don't respect older men's young arm candy, and they don't respect older women's boy toys either. They may want to call you and take a ride on you themselves, but they won't take you seriously as a person or an equal.

[Moontiger]

So i shouldnt give her one month either? But it didnt sound like she was faking it.

 

I think what mhowe is staying so that at her one month deadline creeps closer she will start finding ways to extend it, a week here and there, until you'll be over three months in before you know it.

 

You cannot trust a manipulator, so not, I would not give her the month.

[lavenderdove]

one other caveat... if you really want to see your value to her, what you tell her is that you don't want to see a married woman and feel that is wrong, and that you won't see her again in person until she separates from her husband and one of them moves out of their house and files for divorce (i.e., refuse to see her or slip her the rod again until she is legally separated).

 

if she really wants you as a person and does intend to leave her husband, she'll move out and you can see her openly after she files for divorce. But if she's just stringing you along, one month will turn into 3 months which will turn into forever when she finds herself a new boy toy to play with.

[hopefully]

People don't respect older men's young arm candy, and they don't respect older women's boy toys either. They may want to call you and take a ride on you themselves, but they won't take you seriously as a person or an equal.

 

That hurt.

[Moontiger]

Going off what lavenderdove said, people, in general do not respect arm candy of either gender. When I see a 20 something with a man twice her age who gives her expensive gifts etc my assumption (right or wrong) is that she is not someone to be taken seriously.

 

Trophy wives and boy-toys...people will smile at them and be polite but in the back of their minds they have already passed judgement.

[hopefully]

I think what mhowe is staying so that at her one month deadline creeps closer she will start finding ways to extend it, a week here and there, until you'll be over three months in before you know it.

 

You cannot trust a manipulator, so not, I would not give her the month.

 

Thanks. I will do it. But can i ask you one question, why does she seem so untrustworthy to you. Im not ignoring your advice i just dont understand. She's always been a good person, very generous and kind, and extremely intelligent. I learned a lot from her when we were just friends.

[lavenderdove]

She's unworthy because she is married and cheating on her husband and trying to keep you around as a boy toy rather than respecting that you are a young man who deserves to have someone who can be with him honorably, openly, and as a real partner rather than treating him like a secret toy that she hauls out whenever she's in the mood but otherwise you have to stay hidden in the dark while she squires around and lives the good life with her husband.

 

She's shown you she is very capable of lying and cheating and trying to buy you with jobs and cars etc. What she's shopping for is a boy toy who she can buy and control and who won't interfere with her socially acceptable husband, social standing, and her rather large marital assets she shares with her husband (home, bank accounts, children etc.).

[Moontiger]

Thanks. I will do it. But can i ask you one question, why does she seem so untrustworthy to you. Im not ignoring your advice i just dont understand. She's always been a good person, very generous and kind, and extremely intelligent. I learned a lot from her when we were just friends.

 

Well, lets look objectively at her actions

 

1) Cheating on her husband

2) Keeping you a secret

3) Dismisses and insults you when you raise very valid issues. Why would she do this? Because she wants to keep you self esteem low, that way you won't leave.

4) Buys you expensive gifts. Again, ask yourself why? Given her other actions its just another way to keep you in debt to her. She gives you thing, you feel guilty if you argue with her.

 

Why do you think she is trustworthy given the evidence?

[lavenderdove]

That hurt.

 

I'm sorry that hurt but it's true. They may be polite to your face but behind your back they'll snicker about it. And her female friends would go to lunch with her and ask her if they could 'borrow' you for a bit like they'd borrow a pair of shoes, or how she went about getting a boy toy so that they can get one too. And congratulate her for talking a young man into having sex with her and agreeing to be spice on the side while she goes home to her husband and kids every night with them none the wise to it. You'll be a topic of *interest* but not *respect*.

[hopefully]

She's unworthy because she is married and cheating on her husband and trying to keep you around as a boy toy rather than respecting that you are a young man who deserves to have someone who can be with him honorably, openly, and as a real partner rather than treating him like a secret toy that she hauls out whenever she's in the mood but otherwise you have to stay hidden in the dark while she squires around and lives the good life with her husband.

 

She's shown you she is very capable of lying and cheating and trying to buy you with jobs and cars etc. What she's shopping for is a boy toy who she can buy and control and who won't interfere with her socially acceptable husband, social standing, and her rather large marital assets she shares with her husband (home, bank accounts, children etc.).

 

She's not having a good life with her husband at all. I know this because i've seen it myself. They hardly even speak to eachother. They are basically two people living under the same roof. I know this to be a fact. Can it count as cheating. The job was given to me before all this. About one month before. They dont share much because she makes a lot more than he does. Making him insecure and causing endless fights.

[hopefully]

Well, lets look objectively at her actions

 

1) Cheating on her husband

2) Keeping you a secret

3) Dismisses and insults you when you raise very valid issues. Why would she do this? Because she wants to keep you self esteem low, that way you won't leave.

4) Buys you expensive gifts. Again, ask yourself why? Given her other actions its just another way to keep you in debt to her. She gives you thing, you feel guilty if you argue with her.

 

Why do you think she is trustworthy given the evidence?

 

I just feel like her emotional reactions are genuine.

[mhowe]

Once you get over the infatuation and the presents, you will see the truth of the opinions and observations people have made in your post. Until then, you will defend her actions and your status.

[Moontiger]

I just feel like her emotional reactions are genuine.

 

Once again, we have to go back to her actions and the reasons for those action. Given what we know about her (see list above) it is more likely then not that she is just a very good actress. Maybe she is unhappy with her life. But regardless she is manipulating and disrespecting you (in ways that seem "nice" at first). IF she actually cared about YOU and not her self then she would do what is best for you and respect you thoughts and opinion (she has already proven she doesn't). In other words, her crying etc is a reaction of how bad she feels for herself not for you or the relationship.

[hopefully]

Once you get over the infatuation and the presents, you will see the truth of the opinions and observations people have made in your post. Until then, you will defend her actions and your status.

 

im not defending her and all of you have very good points, thats why i decided to have those conversations with her. I wont give her one month then. Its just really hard for me because it feels good to have someone so perfect like her go crazy over me. thanks

[hopefully]

I'm sorry that hurt but it's true. They may be polite to your face but behind your back they'll snicker about it. And her female friends would go to lunch with her and ask her if they could 'borrow' you for a bit like they'd borrow a pair of shoes, or how she went about getting a boy toy so that they can get one too. And congratulate her for talking a young man into having sex with her and agreeing to be spice on the side while she goes home to her husband and kids every night with them none the wise to it. You'll be a topic of *interest* but not *respect*.

 

I just thought they would think i must be so special for someone like her to choose to be with me.

[Moontiger]

You really are doing the right thing. I know its hard. But trust me, in a few months everything will be clear!

[hopefully]

You really are doing the right thing. I know its hard. But trust me, in a few months everything will be clear!

 

I cant eat. Its so hard to do. She turns into a teenager when she's with me its really funny and sweet. Im going to do it anyway. Its only been 4 months since my break up.

[lavenderdove]

It can and will count as cheating as long as she is legally married. Don't matter as long as they are living under the same roof as man and wife. And they've been married a long time and she makes a lot more than he does, then that means if they break up, then he'll not only get half the assets, half her retirements funds, and most likely will get some form of alimony as well because she makes a lot more than he does. So she'll have to give up a lot financially to leave him. So she's counting the cost of what it will mean if she leaves him. It if far better for her (in her mind) to keep the marriage AND you on the side. That way she gets her needs met and doesn't wreck her finances or social standing.

 

She also knows that if she leaves and pops up with a guy less than half her age, her children and family will be disgusted with her. she doesn't want to 'make it official' and leave her husband because she loses a LOT in that event, lots of money, the respect and good will of her kids and family etc. And you think it's 'sweet' that she turns into a teenager with you, but really that's kind of pathetic in a woman close to 50. She wants to have her cake and eat it too... keep the lifestyle and status and social class of a married woman close to 50 and with her husband, and have you as a secret treat on the side.

 

If you allow yourself to be her treat on the side, there's a lot in that for her but not much to you. You seem to have already leveraged this into a job and soon will get a car out of it, so you can indeed profit from being her 'mister' on the side, but you have to think about what you REALLY want for yourself. In 10 years you'll still be in your prime and she'll be an old lady, a senior citizen. And if she divorces to be with you, she'll lose half her assets (and maybe more) in the divorce and her kids will hate you and won't accept you. So she won't have nearly the social standing if she does that and i'm sure she knows it.

 

I think this situation is fine for a fling, but for the longer term it really is a bad idea for both of you. Are you really going to stay with a senior citizen when you're 35 and she's eligible for Medicare and has health problems and her boobs are swinging around her knees? She may look good now, but the years are not kind to people after the age of 50 which is knocking on her door. I also think you should be thinkin about her as well as yourself, and unless you are willing to be pushing her around in a wheelchair in 10-15 years, while you're still young, then you might consider it if she leaves her husband. But if there's a chance you'll leave her alone in 5 or 10 years when she really shows her age and you get bored hanging out with 'Granny', then do her a favor and let her go, and let her stay with her husband so she has her families and children's respect in her older years.

[mhowe]

Ummm, wow.

 

OP --- if you think you are "getting something" from this, besides sex --- well, you aren't. Your first post said you thought it was the start of a "relationship". It is...but not what I think you are looking for.

 

She isn't gonna leave hubby, for the financial reasons LL stated above --- it will cost her a lot of money. Depending on what state you are in -- adultery (that would be the relationship you speak of) could cost her a lot. Hence the secrecy.

 

In addition, the secrecy does have to do with her social status. You aren't the golf or tennis pro --- you are a young man who she used her influence to get you a job. You will never "go out" and be in a social setting with her. Part of it is age difference, the other is social status. She isn't having a fling with a "social equal".

 

And she has no plans on telling anyone about you, ever. When you leave...she will adjust her thinking, and find someone new.

[Ms Darcy]

I have seen you give others advice to just enjoy the sex and expect nothing more. I would say the same to you. There will be nothing more with this woman.

[hopefully]

I didnt get the job from the affair. I was friends with her family and something happened and i was no longer able to keep in contact with them. And she was the only person who wanted to keep in contact with me. She insisted that i do. Few months after the incident she called me up with a job offer saying she wants to help me. Although i didnt have the experience nor enough qualifications that the job required(but i have the knowledge to get it done and im good at it) i got it to my surprise and apparently she had basically asked them to give me the job and they followed her orders. Its my dream job and i love it.

 

Then we started meeting up and finally ended up doing it. But yeah may be she offered all those things for me with this in mind i dont know.

 

And yeah she offered the car after we did it. But i had a conversation with her months before all this telling her i would love to own a SUV(it's actually a suv not a car) so may be she had that in her mind too. I just cant believe that if her plan is to throw me away like trash she would give me something so expensive. No one has ever in my entire life made so much effort to make me happy, not even my ex and it feels so good and i feel like im actually worth something now.

 

And yes you brought up something i had not even thought about which is her aging. I like to believe that if i love her enough no matter what condition she was in i would still love her but the human mind works in funny ways. So i dont want to ruin my baby's life. She deserves to live and die happily. I could care less about what her family thinks about me but i do care about what they are going to think about her and thats why i initially wanted to give her some time.

 

Its just hard not to believe that she doesnt love me by the way she looks at me, the way she talks, she's an angel. But yes im going to end this. Like you said thats whats best for both of us. I couldnt sleep at all and i was crying for hours.

[hopefully]

I know. I will contact her in a couple of hours and end it. I hope she forgives me.

[hopefully]

May be i should meet her up and end it? Its disrespectful to end it over the phone. Besides i want to see her face for one last time.