She's getting comfortable and settling in a bit' - Weight gain

[paperboy48]

I think she is getting comfortable and settling in! We have been dating for six months. I have posted on here about how she stopped wearing make-up as much and jewelry (I know I got the riot act for the makeup statement). Anyways, now she is starting with the weight gain. When I met her, she worked out (gym, treadmill, work out videos) religiously every day. Now, she has given that up almost completely. She goes on walks with me and her dog and sometimes my kids. And to answer the question before its asked…yes I do exercise at least five times a week.

 

I read an article today that stated 90% of women gain weight (up to 15 lbs) in the 4-6 month period of a new relationship. This is not fair when the majority of the popularity bases a lot of their choosing their mates (at first glance) based on their attractiveness levels. I’m just sayin’

 

I realize I am going to get the riot act again from the ladies on here, I would like to hear your honest opinions on this though. As far as the guys, has this happened to you and when it did ...how did you handle it?

[ReturnToSender]

I can only tell you how I felt about this kind of situation when it happened to me in a past relationship. I was dating this guy and he was in shape worked out a few times a week. After some time he stopped exercising and started to gain weight while I maintained fit and active. All I can say it that it wasn't a big deal to me at all he gained like 25 pounds and his personality outweighed him gaining a little bit of weight. In my personal opinion looks are only a small part of the relationship cause I would rather be with a pleasantly plum Pillsbury doughboy looking guy that treated me right rather then with a super hottie that treated me like crap. I'm not saying that hotties are a-holes just giving an example, for me personality always outweighs physical attributes.

[ReturnToSender]

And after all looks fade as we get older so in the end we're left with our personalities.

[JJ2980]

lol...I actually had a giggle at this...Look I obviously won't fully agree with you but my question is why haven't you spoken with her about it? Maybe she just needs a little motivation especially if she has enjoyed rigorous work outs in the past. I agree that initial attraction is based on looks but I'd like to think that most people move on from that. What about personality? Does she share the same life goals, values etc as you? Look I personally think this is something you should be discussing with her. How about you encourage her to go work out with you? And no offence but I kinda get from what little you say that she is probably younger than you and child-free? If she is then you're not exactly the dream guy for a young, childless woman either. Just saying.

[mhowe]

Sweeping generalizations aside, I think your gf is most likely not happy with the relationship and eating more/ exercising less due to that

 

I have lost 20 lbs since my relationship began 3+ yes ago. So, all women do not

gain weight or stop wearing make up.

 

She isn't happy...plain and simple.

[nutbrownhare]

In any relationship, you need to work out what your priorities are. You also need a partner whose value system fits in with yours, or it will all fall apart.

 

It seems that you place a far higher premium on physical appearance, grooming etc than your current girlfriend does. Unfortunately, it is always going to take a while to work out whether someone is really concerned about fitness and appearance for themselves (in which case it's going to continue no matter what), or whether it's to attract a partner (in which case it will disappear once they've got one).

 

You don't mention at all in your post whether you care for her, enjoy her company, have shared interests or many of the other things which draw many people together in healthy relationships, so it sounds as though these are not a priority for you.

 

This holds true for everyone looking for a partner - if it's going to last, you need to find someone with similar values to yourself. There ARE women around whose sole interest is in maintaining an attractive facade, and you would probably be more compatible with someone like that.

 

I'm also guessing that many guys don't see their partner becoming more comfortable as being something they need to 'handle'. I suggest you end the relationship with your girlfriend, who is becoming less and less attractive to you. This would leave her free to find someone who appreciates her as a whole person, and you free to find someone who's on a similar wavelength to yourself.

 

While you are looking at her, and becoming more and more disappointed, this is an option which is not available to either of you.

[mhowe]

Is this the same woman you broke up earlier this month? The one that doesn't like you to have a few beers? The one focused on her career and not.attentive enough, on your opinion?

[wilyone 11]

Do you have a link to this article? I don't believe it.

 

I typically lose weight at the beginning of a relationship.

 

Sounds to me like you guys aren't compatible. There are a lot of men who hate make-up and prefer that their girlfriends wear very little if any. Similarly, there are a lot of women who are frankly OBSSESSED with their appearance. You'd be much happier with one of those women, who would similarly appreciate a man who likes her focus on her appearance.

[pl3asehelp]

Some people exercise to be healthy and others do it to look good to the opposite sex.

[martymoose]

i have been called shallow plenty of times and have delt with this same situation (i am a female) but i believe looks are important and you should want to impress your partner all the time. you should also want to be healthy. I would love to hear what other people would advise you do. My suggestion is to be the good influence, if she sees you caring about your appearance maybe she will try too.

[turnthepage]

I really disagree with telling her about the weight gain. Please do not do this; but by all means be tactile and ask for possible reasons she's stopped going to the gym so much. I put on a lot of weight in a long term unhealthy relationship. As soon as it ended I lost it and then some, 120 pounds in total. I do not blame him for my laziness/slack attitude to food, but i was not happy and thus unmotivated to go out and exercise.

 

I think wilyone got it just right.. there are plenty of women that love to look good, wear makeup for their men. There are also some women that enjoy being relaxed, secure with their partner and not wearing makeup and putting on a few extra pounds. You have a choice who you date and it sounds like the former may be more compatible for you.

[buddha55]

I agree with martymoose. yes, this is all fine and dandy, "You should love your partner for other things..." I DO, but I also like to be attracted to my partner. Typically people who work out also seem to have more confidence, but regardless, I think it's ok to have a standard of your partners physical appearance and grooming. It is important. I'd broach the subject with her. Taking the lead, being a good influence is always a great motivator

[buddha55]

"I think wilyone got it just right.. there are plenty of women that love to look good, wear makeup for their men. There are also some women that enjoy being relaxed, secure with their partner and not wearing makeup and putting on a few extra pounds. You have a choice who you date and it sounds like the former may be more compatible for you."

 

There is a happy medium in those two.... and I think it's HORRIBLE to have the mindset of, "well, I have a long term partner who loves me, so I can let myself go a bit no, no, no!

[SometimesShy]

...On the flip side many men gain weight in a stable relationship, often because the women in their lives are much better cooks than the men are, so they end up eating more.

 

If you want your relationship to last, you're going to have to sit down with your girlfriend and talk about things in a friendly non-finger-pointing, non-judgmental, non-attacking way.

 

If this was me, I would find a way to subtly tell her that you aren't attractive to "bigger" women, and that you two should start doing fitness things together. If she is not very active then you might start with long walks, or short hikes, or cycling, or whatever you both would find fun to do.

 

...As a guy I get where you are coming from, as most men want to be with a woman they are physically attracted to, but at the same time you've only been dating for 6 months, so be the good boyfriend and find a way to sort things out that makes everybody happy.

 

Whatever you do, don't ever try and make this into "her" problem, as that's a sure fire way to end your relationship pronto.

[turnthepage]

"I think wilyone got it just right.. there are plenty of women that love to look good, wear makeup for their men. There are also some women that enjoy being relaxed, secure with their partner and not wearing makeup and putting on a few extra pounds. You have a choice who you date and it sounds like the former may be more compatible for you."

 

There is a happy medium in those two.... and I think it's HORRIBLE to have the mindset of, "well, I have a long term partner who loves me, so I can let myself go a bit no, no, no!

 

I think there would be a happy medium between 0 weight gain and 100 pounds weight gain. Also makeup every day to no makeup ever. But it doesn't sound like this woman has gone that far she's just showing classic "comfortable" signs.

 

I'm all for looking good, I overdress every day. But I want a man that is cool with me not wearing makeup on a sunday and gaining a few pounds now and again, albeit I am the type that would want to know I'd lose it again at some point.

[buddha55]

But she's never wearing make-up anymore and gaining weight. gaining 5 lbs during the holidays... yeah, so what... if it comes off again. But the whole, "gaining weight is NBD" mentality is how people get fat. It starts somewhere! I just think it's important to keep improving yourself. of course, wearing makeup on a sunday in is ridiculous and many men love women sans makeup, but for a datenight (even at home datenight cooking) shows your are interested and keeping the spark going.

[annie24]

I believe it. When girls are single, they tend to spend more time exercising, watching what they eat.... when in a new relationship, they start going with their new boyfriends to romantic restaurants, having giant plates of pasta, and eating on par with what her boyfriend eats (though her calorie intake should be a lot less). I've certainly gained weight in relationships so I can see this being true.

 

I totally understand the argument that you want to be with the person you first met. if she was skinny but is now overweight, that's a turnoff. just as if you have a 'fat-fetish' and she loses a lot of weight, maybe she is no longer sexy to you. or dating a goth who becomes a born-again christian, or vice versa.

 

i don't know what to say except i think that you have to balance those 15 lbs with her other qualities and decide if you want to stick it out or not.

[annie24]

wait - just reading your thread you posted 3 weeks ago. so you got back together with her? what's the story?

[itsallgrand]

Some people exercise to be healthy and others do it to look good to the opposite sex.

 

This is it. Or more specificially, some people will make fitness and maintaining a certain weight and appearance a high priority for life while others it is yo-yoing depending on circumstances (single, looking, in a relationship, happy, sad, whatever).

 

So you met someone who is showing you she isn't in it (maintaining) for the long distance but in spurts and bouts. MOST people - men and women - fit into this category. MOST people aren't that healthy, generally. Seriously.

 

But you aren't even concerned about health here. You are concerned about her maintaining an attractiveness factor. Which is, fair enough.

 

But if that's what you are after, you can't base it on first impressions! You have to really get to know someone - and you are - and take it or leave it.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't see any reason not to be honest with her about your concerns.

[annie24]

I don't see any reason not to be honest with her about your concerns.

 

my reason would be what he wrote about in his past thread, how he and his therapist have decided that he always focuses on the negatives, not the positives.

 

i am really wondering what's changed in the last 3 weeks since you got back together with her? you said you loved her and wanted this relationship to work for the long haul....

[offplanet]

I think you should break up with her and find someone who lives up to your standards. It's only been 6 months and you're already disappointed, which is a bad omen for your future with her. If you stayed together and ended up having children I predict you'd get even more disappointed with her changed body before and after pregnancy. Let her find someone who's happy with her the way she is. She's feeling 'comfortable' with you and has no idea that she can't afford to feel comfortable!

[mhowe]

It appears OP checked out when we tagged his earlier threads...that he already broke up.and then got back with her in the past month...

[SapphireNoir10]

Looks do fade. When I met my boyfriend I was a size 8, not active, I've always just not put on weight no matter what I eat. However after having a baby my body is now different. I am still a UK size 8/10 but my stomach is saggier, and my boobs! Age as well means that your partner will not always be that level of attractiveness your used to.

 

I guess you are entitled to believe and want what you want. However I think true love can be accepting someone for the ACTUAL them and that is the them without makeup, the them that fluctuates in weight. My boyfriend went to the gym a lot when we met, and he has put on a bit of weight, but honestly I still find him as sexy as ever, even moreso.

 

I often dress up and put make up on for him but he always says he prefers it when I have no makeup and my hair all messy. He says my 'waking up' face is his favourite.

 

I don't think you are shallow. I think you are allowed to want what you want from a relationship. However that may seem shallow to others.

[SapphireNoir10]

Also I find it unfair that you keep finding things you don't like about her. Break up with her. Get her back when you miss her, then start finding faults with her. Either break up with her for good and let her find someone that loves and likes her for HER or stay with her and accept her.