Getting past my partners infidelity. Do you think we have a chance?

[SapphireNoir10]

Well. Me and my partner have been together nearly 2 years. We have a 6 month old son together.

 

The pregnancy was tough on both of us emotionally. He was incredibly supportive and excited whereas my mind was all over the place and I was constantly breaking up with him, getting mad with him and being quite nasty and cruel.

 

In January I found him flirting with random women on some online chat site. There was nothing overtly sexual and nothing over the top but I still thought it was emotional infidelity so I called off our wedding and our engagement.

 

Obviously I then found it hard to trust him wondering if he had physically cheated. He went to all and every length to prove he was not a cheater. He gave me full access to his phone, passwords and laptop. I checked up on some of his stuff ocassionally and I have never found anything. He has also always been completely open with his phone, no passcode, he has two phones and both are always lying around not password protected or anything so I don't think he is like that.

 

He actually went and got a lie detector test. He said he couldn't stand seeing me drive myself nuts over him cheating on me. He had it done and showed me the proof of it being booked and who did it and had it done at our home and showed me the report. He passed every question about cheating that they asked including if the chats got sexual.

 

SO. Now we have our fresh start. He has done nothing of the sort since. Aside from me obsessing over him potentially cheating the actual relationship has been better than ever. He has said I've been amazing with listening to him, that he feels he can voice his concerns. He was one of those people that bottles it up and avoids confrontation but now he has started talking more and being completely open with everything which is amazing.

 

We have a lovely little family and are very happy together. Do you think we can honestly have this fresh start and move on? I really want to. I truly love him. He does everything and anything for me, cooks, cleans, helps me with the baby, works hard and provides. He writes love notes, buys flowers...he is a true gentleman.

[Lester]

Yes, I think you do!

[Fudgie]

Sounds like he has done all he can do, really.

 

Now, you didn't get into much detail but how much are you obsessing? How much does this affect you and your relationship in the day to day?

 

It sounds like he's doing everything right, so I'm wondering what about this is making you wonder.

[SapphireNoir10]

Since the lie detector I feel a lot better. I know they aren't a 100% but it made me feel better.

 

I just always thought if someone cheated, even talking to other women I'd be gone. I feel weak that I'm still here, but I love him and WANT to stay with him because I love our family as well and see my future with him.

 

I was obsessing in my own head. Not taking it out on him, but he could see that I was sad and worried a lot and knew what it was about.

 

Things in general have been better. I've been more considerate, listened more and been less confrontational and in response he's become braver about opening up.

[lemondust]

SapphireNoir, it really sounds like your relationship is in a good place. You have a man who is obviously devoted to you, and has even felt the benefit of the good relationship you have, by opening up more and feeling he can do that with you.

 

So now it sounds as if it's your turn to do a little bit of changing, and tackle the feelings of insecurity, which are understandable and natural to have, yet as much as we dislike it, flirting in and of itself doesn't have to mean your relationship is under threat. Your partners proved himself, he was naughty with the flirting, and he obviously see's now the affect it had on you.

 

Talking a counsellor might help to work through these feelings of insecurity and begin to understand them better, and where they are actually really coming from.

[Seraphim]

Yes, you both have a chance. Going to a lie detector test he's gone above and beyond to prove to you that he's being faithful. If you truly can't let it go you should go to counseling for yourself. He is doing everything in his power to prove to you that he loves only you. He has changed his method of communicating to improve your relationship. His actions prove he loves you. You just have to start believing it.

[Gimpyrks]

As long as you can admit to yourself that going this over obsessive mode is not healthy. I have no experience with being pregnant but people tell me hormones go all over the place which could account for your moodiness (though does not excuse how you treated him).

 

This may seem like a drastic piece of advice, but I would say go see a counselor for yourself having a counselor is a great tool for your life and they have the ability (better than we do) to help you see more clearly.

[lavenderdove]

You know, sometimes I think the internet can be a really bad thing because it offers such opportunities to go off track a little when someone is bored, lonely, annoyed, had too much to drink, whatever. the problem there is that it is WAY to convenient to just pop on for a bit and end up in that kind of a fix. Throughout all history (until the internet) people had to really work at it to actually cheat, to set up situations to meet people and go off the rails. And now it is way to easy with too many opportunities to start down the road. And he put one toe into that water, but he didn't actually jump in. I don't thinking he was cheating, i think he was letting pressure and chose the wrong way to do it.

 

I think what happened here is actually very common. Most people have the false illusion that pregnancy and childbirth is the happiest time for couples but frankly it frequently is the worst of times. Even if the couple is very happy at the idea of having a baby, it is a time of a lot of emotional conflict. The mother's body is changing, her hormones are raging (and usually in a bad way), she is sick, bloated, uncomfortable, feeling unattractive, unsexy, totally broody and self focused etc. And the man is just basically along for the ride, and it can be a wild ride if it is a tough pregnancy. And it can have a huge emotional impact as the woman transitions from being his 'sweetheart' to being a mother, which some men find very disturbing and almost incestuously strange especially if they have issues around their own mother. So research has shown that some of the worst fighting, cheating, and abuse can actually occur when the woman is pregnant. It's counterintuitive because everyone has all kinds of fantasies about the supposedly wonderful event, but the reality of pregnancy and childbirth and the changing dynamics can really send some people/couples for a loop.

 

I think your situation was further complicated by how soon (and unexpectedly) you got pregnant with your child. You hadn't even cemented your relationship yet and a surprise pregnancy happened. So that was an additional hurdle added to the pregnancy, that it was not happily planned in a longstanding couple, but something that you needed to try to make the best of one way or another, with uncertain and doubt about yourself as a couple, let alone whether you should be parents at that stage.

 

Having said all that, my own opnion is that he didn't actually cheat but stumbled onto an easy way to release his stress and counteract his feelings that you may not love him and might eventually leave him because you two were going thru such a rough patch and you were taking out your negativity on him. Many men do actually physically cheat when their wives are pregnant, more so than any other time. they are feeling lonely, conflicted, like their 'sweetheart' has been replaced by this bloated hormonally crazed person who doesn't like them or sex anymore and puts all her focus on the pregnancy and baby and none on him. And he's staring down the barrel of a whole lot more responsibility and 18 years of child support at even the idea of leaving if it gets real bad, so they take the coward's way out and look for a safety valve. Unfortunately they stumble on the WRONG safety valve which might be flirting to build up their egos again.

 

So I would take this as the price you paid for having a really hard pregnancy, an unexpected pregnancy, when you both weren't 100% sure that you wanted a permanent relationship with someone and you turn up pregnant and really cranky and mean and sick so the relationship takes a wrong turn (on both your parts).

 

Sometimes it is really really hard to assess who did the 'worse' thing... You apparently behaved very badly with him, were nasty and cruel, and he responded wtih passive-aggressive acting out by flirting to build his ego back up (never underestimate how fragile a man's ego can be and how much stroking they sometimes need when they feel insecure or unloved). He didn't actually cheat and didn't go sexual with these women, so i don't think this is a cardinal sin, i think this is a case where two people who didn't know each other well enough to commit got throw a curve ball with an unexpected and difficult pregnancy thrown in very early in their relationship. So you both flailed around and in the flailing gave each other a few black eyes.

 

But here's what's important: you got thru it! He is behaving in a very strongly committed way, you recognize that you behaved really badly and so does he. It is unfortunate that the internet makes such online chatting so easy to do, it can be like an alcoholic living in a liquor store from the standpoint that the only thing that is standing between getting oneself in potentially a whole lot of trouble (intentionally or otherwise) is hitting the power button on the PC.

 

Life is very long and there will be many periods of time when you will see eye to eye with your partner, and also many times when you won't, and some times when one or both will behave really badly. The real issues here is that NO relationship is perfect, and a GOOD relationship requires you to recognize that your partner has feet of clay and isn't Prince Charming and will sometimes go off the rails (as will you). The real stability of a relationship is based on both people asking themselves the question, 'Is this person really worth it, and is this good MOST of the time?' If you can say yes, then i think you are on the right track and can stay together. he is doing everything in his power to show you that he did not actually cheat, just flirted a bit to restore his ego because you were slicing and dicing him emotionally at the time, and has taken full responsibility for it and trying to rebuild your trust and keep your family together. He is not perfect, you are not perfect, and I suspect he has learned a lesson based on how he is behaving now. So what you need to do is recognize that you did have a part in setting up that situation by being so mean and nasty to him, and he did behave badly by flirting rather than confronting you, but if he is relatively passive at confrontation and you were ripping him to shreds in a hormonal haze, then honestly it is understandable why this happened, though unfortunate.

 

So you need to let go entirely of the idea that there is a 'perfect' man and a 'perfect' relationship and that there won't be times when you both behave badly because there will be. And if any relationship is going to make it, you need to learn to accept that the person may have really disappointed you, but if they are doing their best to make restitution for it and you are well and happy together the great majority of the time, i frankly think you could trade him in for some new guy but it is guaranteed that new guy will eventually disappoint you in some way too, and you may or may not get along as well.

 

It's not so much about forgiveness as it is acceptance... you really are building a family, and you need to accept that there will be good times and bad, and do you value that enough to work thru it, and can you let your own ego go enough to accept the reality that ANYBODY can cheat and leave, but do you really think that he wants to? I don't see that here at all, i see that he really wants to be with you and your child, and wasn't looking for a new woman and cheating with one, i think he was looking for a little RELIEF from you hammering on him at a bad time in the relationship. It was not your FAULT what he did, but at the same time he didn't actually cheat, and he was casting around for a way to retrieve a sense of self after you sliced and diced him, and chose the wrong way to do it. I think after this he won't do it again unless you return to being a harpy again.

[SapphireNoir10]

Thanks guys. This had made me feel LOADS better. I really do love ENA!

[Fudgie]

Reading all that you said, I really think you guys DO have a chance, a very good one in fact.

 

However, I think if he keeps doing as well as he does, then that's all he can really do. I think some individual counselling (for you) is in order if you feel these insecurities really encroach upon your life.

[Huntress0527]

I think for all that he's done, yes, you can get past this. He is showing you he wants this to work and is going the extra mile to do so. Getting over infidelity just takes time but just be open to work together to continue healing.

[SapphireNoir10]

Yeah I have spoken to a counselor through email and that has helped. I think I will be ok. It's getting easier with time. It just hurts all the more that I was pregnant when it happened but as Lavenderdove said. Thats one of the hardest times for a couple.

 

He really is a great guy. Everyone says I'm lucky and he treats me great. I agree. Our family is beautiful and I think I'm going to try and let go of whats happened and take each day as it comes as best I can. I just was afraid I was being 'weak' by taking him back or foolish.

[Seraphim]

Yeah I have spoken to a counselor through email and that has helped. I think I will be ok. It's getting easier with time. It just hurts all the more that I was pregnant when it happened but as Lavenderdove said. Thats one of the hardest times for a couple.

 

He really is a great guy. Everyone says I'm lucky and he treats me great. I agree. Our family is beautiful and I think I'm going to try and let go of whats happened and take each day as it comes as best I can. I just was afraid I was being 'weak' by taking him back or foolish.

I don't think you're being weak or foolish at all. It would be weak and foolish if you did not fight for your family when there was a chance. As you know you have a child now so you have to give that child every chance at a family. Your child's father is more than willing to work with you. That relationship deserves every chance.

 

There are many men and women who are not willing to work within the relationship. You are indeed blessed to have someone who is so willing to try. So many people throw relationships away today be very happy that you are with someone who is willing to try just as hard as you are. It is those relationships that stand the test of time.

[SapphireNoir10]

Yeah I think we just both made a few mistakes due to the stressful situation. We thought we were mentally and emotionally prepared and we weren't. It's funny that the pregnancy was harder than actually having the baby. He seems to have helped us both mellow out and become stronger as a couple and a family.

 

Things are good between us as were both trying and communicating and we really love eachother and that is what matters.

 

Thanks again guys.

[Fudgie]

I don't think it's really "weak", it's just that you realize that it's more beneficial to stay for you, him, and your son.

 

I mean, it's different too. If he cheated majorly physically/emotionally (not just flirting, I mean having an online/over the phone affair) OR he kept doing this nonsense again and again, then yes, I'd say that I didn't think it's a good idea to stay and I would think that you were completely settling. No one stays with a partner like that because they want to.

 

Was his flirting wrong? Absolutely yes, I would classify it as near-cheating and very inappropriate. Is it a valid reason to break up with someone? Absolutely. Honestly, I think either choice is acceptable on paper. I think the differences here are that 1) the degree of cheating was rather low compared to what could have happened 2) it's the first time it happened 3) you live together 4) you have a family and 5) you genuinely want to stay.

 

I think breaking up would be very painful and difficult for you....could you get through it? Sure. But the point is, you don't want to cause yourself pain by losing him and uprooting your whole lives into instability. Right now, given that he keeps acting appropriately, it would do more harm than good for you to leave.

 

Remember too, that children do change things. Someone like me without children could and would walk away from a relationship where someone did that because we don't have the genetic tie to someone in the form of a kid. You can't just uproot yourself when you have a child. Having one means it's better to try and work the small things out. I hope I'm making sense.

[hers]

I think you guys have a chance too. It sound like he realizes he made a mistake and wants to prove he had a momentary lapse in judgement. Now that he knows his actions cause pain, I don't see him doing it again.

 

I know how painful it can still be though. My husband swears up and down his never got physical and from what I can tell, it didn't. But it still hurts een 2 years later. My husband has said he thinks he's proven to me he is 100% faithful now and in the future but given other circumstances in our relationship I still don't feel "first". But that's not to say he doesn't love me or regret what he did. I hope your fiancé takes it as a lesson for behavior in the future and I think you guys will do well.

 

And you have the absolute cutest baby ever. (And I don't just say that haha)

[lavenderdove]

Remember, the only true 'weakness' is when you go against your own self and your own best interests. You are making a CHOICE to stay because there are really overwhelmingly good reasons to stay (your son, the fact that you get along almost all the time, you are happy in the relationship etc.), and it is a really rational choice to stay considering you had such a difficulty pregnancy (for the both of you) and now things are going so really well and you've cleared that hurdle. It would be a shame to break up a family if you have worked thru this and he is showing impeccable behavior now (which he is). He handled the outcome with sincerity and maturity, and you should give him big points for that.

 

I also never ever let pride and ego make decisions for me. I don't care what other people think because i have to live my own life. i am always grateful for input into my decisions, but they are MY decisions and you're not stupid if you make a choice that is better for you and your own life!

 

btw, the 'once a cheater always a cheater' is just not true! there are many people who do it when extremely young and not thinking, or some circumstances, where they realize how truly stupid they were at the time and it sobers them up and they learn from it. So i wouldn't paint him with that brush because there is no evidence supporting that particular old chestnut so don't let it distract you from evaluating your own personal circumstances and what is best for you.

[SapphireNoir10]

Thanks Lavenderdove you give brilliant advice all the time and I really appreciate it.

 

Thanks to Hers as well. Haha thank you. I think I'm biased but he is a cutie!!

 

It's worth fighting for when you love someone.

[SapphireNoir10]

Thanks to everyone again.

 

And Fudgie I do get what your saying

[SapphireNoir10]

Since posting things have been better than ever. We are still getting married this year and are very happy together. I'm glad I forgave him. I find living in the NOW has been a lot more helpful than holding against him a mistake he made. Things were bad at the time. I did bad, he did bad, but together we are amazing now and always have been except from that rough patch.

 

Thank you for all your advice and help.

[Seraphim]

Since posting things have been better than ever. We are still getting married this year and are very happy together. I'm glad I forgave him. I find living in the NOW has been a lot more helpful than holding against him a mistake he made. Things were bad at the time. I did bad, he did bad, but together we are amazing now and always have been except from that rough patch.

 

Thank you for all your advice and help.

That is GREAT!!! I knew you would get through it!!

[lavenderdove]

Excellent! I think you made the right and mature choice considering the circumstances... enjoy your lovely family!

[SapphireNoir10]

Thank you. Could not have done it without you guys.

[Lonewing]

Let us suppose our father had a garden and he told us not to go there.

And then, let us suppose we did go there, and our father discovered us!

What reaction will have the more profound long term impact:

"Oh no, I don't mind, go ahead and stay; I'm just disappointed." or

A violent outburst of rage and emotion followed by locks, keys and taller fences?

I don't know about you, but the former always seemed to really sap the life out of whatever fun the illicit activity provided.

The latter...I just got better at hiding...

 

I only bring this up not for now but in the event you or him drift again in the future. If it's happened once, there's a chance it could happen again. You do have one benefit now, you know what conditions can lead to such interactions, so that alone should be considered a gift in the future; If you find yourselves in a negative feedback loop again, and there will be negative loops again, there always are, you have the ability to throw down the "knock it off" card within yourself so you take action to stop the loop before it descends into the mud.

 

You also have the presence of mind knowing the extent to your ability to forgive, your capacity for understanding, and how that may help you and him get through a rough patch now and then should he fall down, and in forgiving him it may help him forgive you when you fall down, should it ever happen. And you also know now that just because there is one of these rough patches, it's not necessarily the end and what is on the other end should you work through the issues and mend the rough patches, is something sweeter than what you had before, for as long as he's as equally willing to want to be there with you. Manage yourself [something we all have to do] so he remains crazy about you, though, and I don't think he should have much mind or reason to drift; he'll sustain his willingness to want to be there with you!

 

Of course, I wouldn't beat him up about what has already transpired, because that in and of itself could inspire a negative feedback loop. Cheating is not the end itself; how we respond to it, though, is often what induces the end. You're clearly important to him now, because he made the effort to break from that what he was doing and come back to you. Best of luck to you in sustaining it!!

[SapphireNoir10]

Thank you very much for your input. I wouldn't forgive physical cheating or even an emotional affair. But I have seen the messages and it was searching for conversations with random people/women but never really more than once. He just wanted to feel wanted and attractive at a time when I was being mean and threatening to leave. He said he wanted to feel 'worth' something. No excuse obviously but I feel the good times with us have always outweighed the bad and that we make a good team and family.

 

I trust him, I saw how upset he was from what had happened when it happened and I do not believe he will make this mistake again.