ChellyV Posted March 31, 2013 Share Posted March 31, 2013 my 12 year old son has always been a softie and i just let him be. until recently when he confessed he thinks he wants to hang out more with girls than with guys, so to speak. play with girl toys and things like that. i don't know how to handle. any advice? Link to comment
LovesMusic Posted March 31, 2013 Share Posted March 31, 2013 my 12 year old son has always been a softie and i just let him be. until recently when he confessed he thinks he wants to hang out more with girls than with guys, so to speak. play with girl toys and things like that. i don't know how to handle. any advice? I don't know very much about gay people (whether they are born gay or decide to be). I do notice that their seems to be almost a huge trend in younger people to be gay. Almost like adolescence is hard and the easy way to understand it is chalking it up to being gay. If you're bothered because you son may be gay I would suggest exposing him to hobbies and habits that are more gender oriented. Perhaps promote his innate male competitive spirit by joining a sporting team (one he is good at) or make him more attractive to the opposite sex ( a new wardrobe or look). He may think he is gay because he doesn't get attention from girls and thus no butterflies from calling a girl for the first time etc. I think at his age sexuality is something he has only hit the tip of the iceberg with. To claim he is gay at such a young age is nothing I would put money on. Though he may be gay, people change considerably from young adults to mature adults and he isn't even a young adult yet. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 31, 2013 Share Posted March 31, 2013 Just love him. Love him for the way he is. He is still your son. He is that baby you gave birth to. Be proud of him. Support who he is. Provide him with unconditional love and a place where he can feel safe about who he is. Link to comment
luminousone Posted March 31, 2013 Share Posted March 31, 2013 Just love your son for who he is- he will need to know that you live him no matter what. He may be gay or he may not be. Time will tell... Focus on his heart and his personality- the essence of who he is. He is still your son and always will be. Just three weeks ago, my 17 year old son shared with me that he thinks he is bi. I had no idea. My first comment to him was that he is lucky to have been born into this family, because his aunt is gay and everyone accepts her and loves her the way she is. I do not agree with the other poster that you should put him into sports- being into sports will not change who he is - it will not "man him up" There is an organization that you might find helpful- and it is called "Parents and Families of Lesbians and Gays" or PFLAG. Link to comment
wolflovesmoon Posted March 31, 2013 Share Posted March 31, 2013 you know your son better, and you know if he have gay tendencies, in the other hand, does your son know he is gay, we don`t know, he just say he like to play with girls toys, do girl things, so far i wont say he is gay, hes still a boy trying to figure out how things works, etc.. but in case he is truly gay, you can`t change that, don`t let it change the nature of your relationship to him, the unconditional love you gave him since the day of his birth. the acceptance, the world has changed, gay people are gaining more civil rights like no time before, by the time he grows up to become a man, things will be way better than today, i don`t know what else i can say, talk to his father and see how you guys can figure things out. Link to comment
Hoagy Posted March 31, 2013 Share Posted March 31, 2013 12 is too young for him to know 100% if he's gay. When I was 12 I wasn't even sure what homosexuality was (I knew Mr Humphries in Are You Being Served was camp but that's all). But they grow up so fast these days It's probably just a phase he's going through. When he hits adolecence he'll work it out for himself. Link to comment
stranger88 Posted March 31, 2013 Share Posted March 31, 2013 There is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay. If that is his choice then that is his choice. Although having said that a 12 year old doesn't have any real understanding of sexuality, just be supportive and don't pressure him. Link to comment
ButterflyWrists Posted March 31, 2013 Share Posted March 31, 2013 Most children have an idea of their sexuality from a young age, although this to me doesn't sounds like sexuality more than getting used to gender roles and where he fits in. He may be unsure of if he is feeling like a boy and wants to see what fits him the best. The only thing you should do, is support him and introduce him to people who understand his position. Sexuality and gender have very strict places in our society, despite the fact that not everyone conforms. If you had a little girl who wanted to play with boys toys and hang out with boys and be rough and tumble, many people wouldn't bat an eyelid. Anyway, introduce him to others who have been in his place, support him. He may be experiencing some of this feelings due to puberty and the changes in hormones. Link to comment
offplanet Posted March 31, 2013 Share Posted March 31, 2013 Give him 100% acceptance. Whatever he turns out to be, there's nothing wrong with him and he shouldn't be given the impression that there might be. He's normal, whatever orientation. Be careful not to let him think that you think anything's wrong with him or that you're disappointed in him, or worried. That would be tragic. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted March 31, 2013 Share Posted March 31, 2013 I disagree that 12 is to young to know if your gay. I have known many guy people in my life and they all say the same thing, "I knew since elementary school that there was something different about me. I related to girls a different way then other boys did." If your have objection of religious grounds I suggest reading this (even if you don't I still recommend reading this): link removed Understand that you have to be his calm place in the storm. He will most likely be bullied or made fun of for this as he gets older. You have to be his soft place to fall. Check out a local PFLAG meeting, I also suggest the movie, "For the bible tells me so". Just do everything you can to understand him. Don't make him feel bad for who he is. Link to comment
ChellyV Posted March 31, 2013 Author Share Posted March 31, 2013 thank you all for your supportive responses. i guess what is breaking my heart is the constant rejection he receives from his cousins, who he is around with a lot. the berating and the alienation he experiences. i have no problem with his sexual preference, i believe it runs in our family. i will support him all the way regardless of how he chooses himself to be. i am just crushed with the things he is going through and i sure didn't know how to handle it. even when we try to be around for our kids, there are things they have to go through on their own.... Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted March 31, 2013 Share Posted March 31, 2013 What positive male role models does he have in his life? Have you enrolled him in any sports that he can play with both boys and girls? Has he ever been to camp by himself without you? Not that there's anything wrong with his tendency to prefer hanging out with the girls, but I'm wondering what choices he's actually been given and what male role models are in his life. I'm probably going to get a lashing from a few over this but I think with so many single mothers (particularily in the USA where birth control is readily available but single mothers are at an epidemic) too many young boys are not getting the influence of good male role models so they are ending up being brought up in a feminine world and turning effeminate or going in the opposite direction and joining gangs to prove (in some mis-guided manner) how masculine they really are. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted March 31, 2013 Share Posted March 31, 2013 I don't know of any studies/research that show a link between single motherhood and gay children. And, just from my own person experience I can say that EVERY gay person I have know grow up in a family with a mother and a father. Most of the fathers were hardworking, loving people. OP, I am so glad you are not going to turn against your child because of this. I still recommend the documentary and the link I posted. They are good sources and will give you some good talking points if/when other adults say inaccurate things about gay child. As for your child's cousins I would speak to their parents. Just say that you have notice some bullying and think (given their age) it would be a good time to discuss why bullying people for being different is not a nice thing to do. EDIT: Just a note about trying to get him into things to "man him up", I think part of that is a good idea and part is back. It is GOOD for him to be involved in activities that he likes and can make friends and have some special time with you. It is very BAD idea to get him into these activities if the goal is to change him. It will ruin the experience for him and make him feel that he is defective and needs "fixing". All studies that I know of have show that trying to change a person orientation results in a host of long lasting problems for them. Link to comment
Blue Spiral Posted April 1, 2013 Share Posted April 1, 2013 I knew I liked girls well before I was twelve, so I'm sure the opposite happens, as well. But, at the same time, sexuality can be a very fluid thing. Have you noticed any differences in how he treats other boys (not his cousins) versus how he treats girls? I'd think that would be a major clue as to whether this is confusion/a phase or whether he's gay. Assuming that he is, I'd imagine there must be lots of support websites (um, primarily non-religious support websites) that would have resources and advice for you. Link to comment
screech Posted April 1, 2013 Share Posted April 1, 2013 Well my son is 13 and has always liked musical theatre, singing, dancing etc......he has always had lots of girl friends he hung out with and is very senitive, BUT he also loves video games and has a few male friends too (a few). He has no interest in girls at this time. Love your son for who he is never know where it is going. I am letting my son figure out what he wants. To put it in perspective, when I was 13 I played every team and individial sport I could (on boys teams and yes I am a girl) Most of my friends were male and I had no interest in the prissy girls!!! I loved getting dirty.....hunting and helping my dad with the car.....very far from feminine in any way but I never had a tendency to be a lesbian. my parents never worried about me in this respect, and if they had they would have been supportive of it (i have more than one homosexual in my extended family) family is family if your son finds his way in life to be happy and successful in life what else should we worry about........All I can hope for is that my children grow up to honest happy people good luck Link to comment
avman Posted April 1, 2013 Share Posted April 1, 2013 Right around Christmas my 18 year old son told me he is a cross dresser. He was absolutely terrified how I'd react, but to be honest I was not terribly surprised. He was greatly relieved when I told him I loved him and that what he just told me changes nothing. He struggles greatly with what it all means and his identity, but his mother and I have been standing right there beside him all the way. And that support has brought us closer together then we have ever been. There is really nothing more you can do then support him and love him. If he wants guidance then you can always work with him on that. My son wants to talk to someone about it but is afraid of being labeled by professionals. So we're looking for people that specialize in gender identity and will totally understand where he is coming from. I admitted to him that I don't really understand what he's going through so I don't have any words of wisdom for him except to just be himself. Just keep reassuring your son that you will always love him no matter what. It's a journey you'll just have to make together. Link to comment
ChellyV Posted April 3, 2013 Author Share Posted April 3, 2013 thank you all very much. it is like drawing strength with all your words of encouragement. i am still in the process of being selective with words to use, with what activities he would like, with people he is around with. i am talking to him a lot, for maybe that is all he need. thank you all. Link to comment
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