I'm jealous of my boyfriend's neice

[Blue Spiral]

There are three things about this situation that greatly disturb me.

 

You're inexplicably in a power struggle with a six-year-old...you care about who wins...and you're losing?!?

 

Any one of those three things would be strange/unhealthy enough. Trying to assert social dominance over a child for some reason, taking the whole thing way too seriously, and then not even being able to pull it off. This is either the most devious and intelligent six-year-old ever, or you have major issues. I recommend never thinking about this again, because it's a combination of bizarre and embarrassing.

[Capricorn3]

We only see her for family occasions or dinners, which is about a couple times a month..

What I am trying hard to understand is WHY this should be such a HUGE issue for you when he only sees her a couple of times a month, and sees you every day?? Surely he has every right to enjoy his little niece's company and enjoy being affectionate and play with her a couple of times a month- after all, she IS only SIX YEARS old. She's a child!

 

I agree with some other posters that it gives a far worse impression when you sit there, or leave the room and literally sulk like a little child, just because he is enjoying his little niece. Staying home would also give the impression of sulking (imo). You're the adult here. It is only a couple of times a month. Surely that should be easy enough to deal with? I agree with others when they say sometimes as an ADULT you simply have to suck it up.

 

Keep reminding yourself - she is a 6 year old CHILD.

[Klokwurk]

Next time you are over there, sit down with the child and tell her you are on to her little game, and if she pursues it any further, you will be forced to take legal action against her.

[Moontiger]

Maybe I missed it, but is there another child in the home? If you are so disgusted by what you see as them favoring one child over another why don't you spend time with the other child while you are there?

[superfan]

Next time you are over there, sit down with the child and tell her you are on to her little game, and if she pursues it any further, you will be forced to take legal action against her.

 

This is a joke, right? You aren't honestly suggesting she should attempt to bully and intimidate a 6 year old???

[Moontiger]

This is a joke, right? You aren't honestly suggesting she should attempt to bully and intimidate a 6 year old???

 

Yes, he's joking. He is pointing out just how ridiculous the whole situation is ( being in competition with a child for you bfs attention)

[Fudgie]

This is a joke, right? You aren't honestly suggesting she should attempt to bully and intimidate a 6 year old???

 

I'm sure it is. I laughed when I read it.

 

"I'm onto you, missy, you boyfriend-stealing w___e!!"

 

-6 year old looks puzzled and keeps sucking her sucker or*whatever the heck 6 year olds do, I don't know-

[pumpkinmoon]

Well I barely read an entire thread when it is 9 pages long but this one had me intrigued.

 

Quite frankly, I find your behavior disturbing and even bordering on perverse. I understand that it is easy to dislike a child if thy're a spoiled little brat, but that's down to the parenting as others have said, and you have absolutely no say in that whatsoever. From what I have read, I don't think it would make a difference if she was the loveliest little girl on earth to you. I think you would still be as jealous. How old are you btw?

 

You have been given a lot of advice on how to deal with this, but all you seem to do is make excuses. You've been told to stay at home when he visits, but then you say your boyfriend wouldn't like it. Maybe not, but if I were him and I knew/could sense you were feeling the way you are, I wouldn't want you there anyway.

 

How long do these visits last? I'm guessing only a few hours. I don't see the need for him to be holding your hand or pecking you on the check every so often while you are there. He is there to see THEM, his family, NOT YOU, as you have stated that he sees you every day. Any normal person would find it endearing to watch how affectionate he is to his niece. I had two close uncles when I was little, and when they came to visit I was always sat on their lap when their girlfriends were there. It's totally normal.

 

But bottom line, these are unhealthy thoughts and I really think you need professional help.

[itsallgrand]

I don't want to flaunt all over her, and give her everything she wants. I'm nice to her, hug her, talk to her, etc. Her parent's and the rest of the family give her everything, and she doesn't appreciate anything. She asks for a soda at 9pm they say no, she cries, they give it to her. It amazes me.

 

It really seems to me what you resent here is not truly the child but the adults. You don't like how they act with her, you don't like how they spoil her (in your opinion), and you don't like how the entire dynamic changes simply because she is there. This has led you to actively disliking and resenting this child.

 

Little children are excellent at manipulating situations and people, it's human, and normal to test it at a child's age. If parents and others indulge manipulation, example, she is told no, she cries, she gets it, then she learns to do that MORE. Because she is rewarded.

 

I actually know what it feels like to have a difficult time with a child because of how they have been raised, how they behave, and sometimes - simply because of their unique little personality. SImply because it is a child - does not mean you are going to be in love with or even particularly like every single child. Adults do have differences in feelings for different children.

 

With some people, that is seen as monstrous. With others, there is even open acknowledgement that this is so. Adults will say one to another "So and so is my favorite, I connect with her" or "sometimes i have trouble being fair to him because he is such a different little person than me".

 

But what matters is how you treat the child. And that these feelings don't allow you to actually start thinking or feeling, that this is in any way the childs fault, or acting that way. Every little kid deserves love, affection, respect, and to grow up knowing that people like them. Especially grown ups, cause how a kid interprets the world and feelings is alot different than how an adult does - she is dependent. That is the real difference here. She is dependent and can not create for herself, doesn't have the ability yet, to do for herself (internally nor externally) what you can.

 

I understand not liking your bf acting differently when he is around her than he is otherwise with you. I actually do feel I understand that - I much prefer a partner who shares a value with me about loving kids but also...showing them that love is something that doesn't need to be monopolized...Auntie (you!) can be part of the fun too. And uncle can show affection towards Auntie while loving up her.

 

But in the big picture, when he sees her so little, and he probably sees this as some rare one on one time with her, special time between the two of them, is that worth making an issue of? I don't think so. Sure, maybe he is indulging her a wee bit...but it's also his niece...not his own child...and it's kinda like grandparents...hey, we are here for sharing fun and love, not for the disciplining and hard stuff, nor to tell the parents what they should be doing (obviously not counting abuse and other exceptions where speaking up would do good).

 

For all you know, your bf might even think she is a little bit indulged...but keeps that to himself...because he loves her to bits, and doesn't want you to think anything bad of her at all...

 

Just cause he dotes on her in those few times he sees her, doesn't mean he is necessarily blind to her 'imperfections' nor that he agress with everything her parents are doing!

 

He sounds to me to be simply trying to enjoy his niece. You should look for the good in it. You may not think it "cute" for a man to show affection to a child, but trust me, it's a good thing. Even if it doesn't particularly warm your heart, it warms his, and how is it not wonderful for one more little girl to have an adult man who loves and respects her to give her positive attention? Lord knows there is too too much of little girls not getting enough of it in the world, or getting negative experiences with men early on, so to me, your bf is a blessing.

 

Hope you can see that soon. good luck.

[superfan]

Yes, he's joking. He is pointing out just how ridiculous the whole situation is ( being in competition with a child for you bfs attention)

 

OK, my bad. Sometimes sarcasm isn't always translated well online lol

[Angel Irulan]

Are you thinking that this might be the way he'd react if you two got married and had a child? That he'd play with the child incessantly and ignore you? BTW, someone gave advice to get therapy and I think it's a good idea. This is a really childish problem. You need to grow some yourself...no offense intended.

Angel

[Moontiger]

I think we might have scared the OP away with such honest advice.

[nutbrownhare]

To the OP: it seems as though you are approaching this situation from the viewpoint of a hurt, vulnerable six year old yourself - one who is being pushed aside and ignored by the guy who's the most important one to you. This would explain your unhappy, powerless feelings. I also think that the current scenario isn't so much about here-and-now reality, as it hitting a button for you which is triggering feelings of loss related to something which happened - at a guess - when you were a similar age to the niece.

 

In all families, there are going to be times when one child will be receiving more attention than the others; ideally, we all learn that this is what happens, our turn will come - even if we don't like it at the time - and we learn to deal with it. This is just a guess, but usually when people say "In our family we never..." followed by something that is actually quite a normal phenomenon, it suggests that this is an issue with which the entire family struggles. It isn't that it never happened; it happened, but was not dealt with effectively. So, for you, the notion of one child being 'favoured', as in the current situation, is going to make you feel far more vulnerable than someone with a different history.

 

I don't know the details of your early life. To deal with your current situation, you can go in with a smile and be gracious, no matter how you feel inside (including your inner child's indignation: "It's not fair!"). However, to heal that little person within you, relax and see if you can remember feeling like that as a youngster yourself. Can you remember the situation, the emotions and the outcome? If so, it will be much easier to put your hurt feelings back where they belong - in the past - detach from them, and not worry about the couple of times a month when your fella has eyes only for his niece.

 

Good luck!

[Mercurial Girl]

I'm sorry but I think you're over reacting big time!!! It's a few times a month and you're a full time couple who sees each other every day! Yeesh!!