I'm jealous of my boyfriend's neice

[agent1607307371]

Honestly, when he's seeing his family, maybe you should just do something different that night.

 

You're behaving as though he's pushing you aside for another woman, it's not healthy.

[Moontiger]

I don't know where you are getting me needing my boyfriend to dote on me. All I said is that any other time we are affectionate, kiss on the cheek, holding hands for a moment, quick hug. That's not doting. I'm not talking about making out, or sitting on his lap or anything.

 

Again, you are expecting attention and pouting when you don't get it. Yet are highly resentful of a child for doing the same thing.

[LikeWater]

You came here knowing that your feelings on this are pathetic, you said it in your original post, and then when you get responses that agree with that notion, you get upset and completely disregard what we're trying to tell you.

 

What do you want us to say? You don't have the right to be this upset and jealous over a six-year-old, so we're not going to say that you do. Listen to what we're telling you, see the truth in it, take it in, and use the advice.

[roughinit]

I"m also looking for a SOLUTION, whether is be for me to ignore it, etc. I'm not sure exactly how to go about getting over this.

[Batya33]

I"m also looking for a SOLUTION, whether is be for me to ignore it, etc. I'm not sure exactly how to go about getting over this.

 

I suggested as did a few other people either not going or going and dealing with it. Do either of those work for you? I think you might still feel jealous but like many feelings we have that might not make the most sense we learn how not to react to the feelings in any strong way and eventually they fade.

[pinkelephant]

the solution is to get over yourself.

[Moontiger]

I"m also looking for a SOLUTION, whether is be for me to ignore it, etc. I'm not sure exactly how to go about getting over this.

 

Accept she is a child

Accept it's not a completion between you two

Accept that it's ok for you bf to give affection to her

Accept you cannot control how she is raised

Just relax.

[roughinit]

Thank you, I will try and smile, ignore it, and maybe go in the other room. Hope tonight goes good.

[penelope13]

try to identify where those feelings are coming from:

 

- would you feel the same if this was a nephew?

- see her as a child, not as a woman/female

- stop dramatizing: your relationship doesn't change, just because for a few hours he interacts differently with you. accept that different settings will require different interactions between you two.

- realize that the world doesn't revolve around you and thus that you don't have to be the center and focus of his attention all the time.

- realize that families and family dynamics vary. Just because it's different than your family history doesn't mean it's better or worse

[becomingkate]

I"m also looking for a SOLUTION, whether is be for me to ignore it, etc. I'm not sure exactly how to go about getting over this.

 

 

Here's how you do it. Every time you start to get annoyed by all the attention she's getting, go sit down by someone else and ask them what their plans are for Easter or some other random question. Say to yourself "I am trying to get over this problem I have with neediness and attention seeking and I can do it."

Then pay attention to someone in the house that really needs someone to listen. There's always somebody - an aunt, or a grandparent, that wants to chat for a bit. It's amazing what a difference it can make to someone's day to have someone really care.

 

Focusing your attention on someone else's needs will help you feel so much better about yourself and you'll be able to look back and wonder why you'd be jealous of a little girl that likes to have her Uncle's attention.

 

Giving up the attention seeking behaviour is also a good sign of personal growth.

[maxxpayne]

roughinit... Lemme start with a hug... I kinda know what you are going through. You don't intend to compete with anyone and you really don't actually mind your guy loving his niece. Only that maybe you feel, "what's the great deal about the kid that he has to keep talking about his niece all night and ignore me". It's true that the family might be spoiling the child and when she grows up, she could be even more painful to people around her. But speaking from your side, this shouldn't really bother you. Come on roughinit, you're better than this aren't you? It's normal to feel this, specially because it sounds very much like your guy gets obsessed with the little one. And in one of your posts, you said that "she knows what she's doing". It's true , she does. She doesn't know in full magnitude but she knows she's getting more attention than you are anybody does. And she'll even cry for it. But that's how kids are. They scream, they fight for attention. To some extent, we all do. Only that we don't show it.

 

So coming to the point, just chill. You dont have to curse yourself. Because he is your guy and definitely a lack of attention can bother you. Kid or not. It's perfectly normal. ( oh dear,I sound like my physician). Dont beat yourself up. Because you are better than this. Ignore this feeling. Let the poor uncle have some fun with his niece. Remember one thing, I don't know if it is comforting enough, but your boyfriend is probably treating you as his very own. We are not formal with those we love. And we sometimes tend to forget do certain things for the one's we love, simply because at the back of our minds, we know that person is always there. This might be called "taking for granted" in general. But this I meant in a sweet way. I guess I'd like to call it, "feeling at home" with someone. And that's why probably he doesnt think of you at the time he's with his niece, because in the back of his mind, he knows how much you love him and that you'll always be there. If my girl comes home to see my parents for the first time, I'd probably give her more attention. Get her what she wants, make her comfortable, help her with the food and stuff. But it'll be different if she comes home every week. Of course I'll hug her and all that, but she'll have to feel at home with everything... I guess that's the natural process right... And if a guest turns up for lunch, say, I would be talking to them more, wouldn't I? But that doesn't mean she's forgotten or left out. It's a little different in your case though. I just wanted to give you an example.

 

Again, I'm saying, you're not at all a complain box. It's a feeling, and as strong a feeling as any. But just let it pass. Let it take its time. Let it be a part of you. It doesn't have to spoil your mood. It doesn't have to make you feel pathetic about yourself. It doesn't even have to be there. Let it go. Slowly.

 

hope you feel at home... Now smile!

[roughinit]

Becomingkate-

 

Thank you for the kind words. That's a good idea. My boyfriend likes to have me around him a lot, whether it's just sitting next to him, etc. I'm hoping if I try this idea of going to talk to someone else and asking them questions, etc that he won't be offended.

[Edmund Exley]

Becomingkate-

 

Thank you for the kind words. That's a good idea. My boyfriend likes to have me around him a lot, whether it's just sitting next to him, etc. I'm hoping if I try this idea of going to talk to someone else and asking them questions, etc that he won't be offended.

 

If he is offended by that then you have bigger fish to fry.

[DN]

I"m also looking for a SOLUTION, whether is be for me to ignore it, etc. I'm not sure exactly how to go about getting over this.

First - you should remember that you are acting in the same way that she is - do you really want your boyfriend to see you as a bigger version of a spoiled six year old, because that is how you appear to him.

 

Second - put your emotions about her on hold. Fake it, until you make it.

 

Third - try befriending the girl instead of competing. You really don't want to get in a war with her. If you lose you lose your boyfriend, if you win against a six year old and you still lose.

 

Fourth - by not going with him, you will look pathetic and passive-aggressive, don't do that.

[Fudgie]

Honestly, I think you should just stay home. Your boyfriend will get over his initial anger. It's not a big deal. Tell him you're not having a good time so you're going to see your family while he sees your a. If he gets upset, he's being unreasonable.

 

My boyfriend has a butthole of an uncle that makes me uncomfortable so I just don't visit him. My boyfriend has since accepted this. I know the uncle doesn't like it but tough nuts. He has had to accept that he will not have a relationship with me and you know what, things are okay.

 

Really, just stay home. It will make you better in the long run.

[Fudgie]

Fourth - by not going with him, you will look pathetic and passive-aggressive, don't do that.

 

Not if she's honest with her boyfriend. She should be honest and say she's not having a good time so she'd rather foster relationships with her own family.

 

I don't understand the martyr complex when it comes to family, making yourself miserable. For what? If you don't want to be around people, don't be around them. There's no need to put yourself into bad situations.

 

I would have far less respect for my boyfriend if he made me have a relationship and visit his uncle when he knows that I don't like the guy and I feel very uncomfortable being around him. He respects my feelings.

[lovinggirl]

It's not pathetic and your feelings are valid.

Tell your bf how you feel. Tell him that you feel neglected every time you go with him to meet with his niece. If he gets upset, you should question his feelings for you. If he loves you, he should care about your feelings and validate them right?

[HeatherB]

If you joined in, your boyfriend would pay attention to you. Showing that you like little kids and are good with them will make him like you more. So be a team with him and come up with ways to spoil the kid together.

[Batya33]

It's not pathetic and your feelings are valid.

Tell your bf how you feel. Tell him that you feel neglected every time you go with him to meet with his niece. If he gets upset, you should question his feelings for you. If he loves you, he should care about your feelings and validate them right?

 

And if she loves him, she should care about his feelings for his family and his little niece (as I'm sure he knows,she's going to grow up fast and the relationship will change) and act in a validating, supportive way during those visits.

[DN]

When you are someone's partner it involves making sacrifices and sucking things up you don't like or enjoy. It's part of being an adult. No matter how it is phrased, saying essentially "I don't want to go because you don't pay enough attention to me and I am jealous of a six year old." looks pathetic.

 

Children try to avoid things they don't like - adults realise they can't always have things their own way and have their feelings validated.

 

The kid is six years old and has an excuse for acting like a child.

[Seraphim]

We might not like the way other people raise their kids but essentially it is ZERO of our business unless the child is being abused in some way. So you might not like it but really you have nothing to say about it.

 

Two, she is SIX. I seriously doubt that a SIX year old sits and plots in her room about how to mess you and others over. She is SIX. She likes her uncle. She SHOULD like her family.

 

It is a few times a month that he is not 100% yours. As an adult you should be able to take that. Did you get enough attention in your family? Is that why you are so insecure?

 

If you keep on this road and you end up with your bf and have kids, well you could be repaid in kind for your dislike of their child. Remember that.

 

I think Kate is right. You need to talk with more members of the family and get involved in people who need attention and then you won't be worried about your own insecurity.

 

I would re think about having this insecurity explored before you have your own children lest you become jealous when a husband pays attention to them and not you.

[HeatherB]

The OP is just being honest. Why scold her for not having the "right" feelings? Whatever those are anyway.

[Seraphim]

I realize she is being honest. HOWEVER, her feeling no matter how honest they are are going to cause her problems as we can see. They will only get worse unless she deals with it.

 

We are responsible for our feelings and pinning them on a six year old is misguided. They are not really about a six year old. They are about herself.

[HeatherB]

I realize she is being honest. HOWEVER, her feeling no matter how honest they are are going to cause her problems as we can see. They will only get worse unless she deals with it.

You are right. Yet externalizing feelings is sometimes the only way to notice them. Choosing to grow up and become part of the adult generation is not easy for everyone. I remember being envious of all the attention and extra presents the little kids got at Christmas, way past the age where I could have told anyone about it without being looked at funny. It's hard to give up being the automatic center of attention. Maybe the OP is an only child?

[Fudgie]

This is why I think OP should just stay home. The kid probably can sense that she doesn't like her and it's just not a good situation all around for anyone. Stay home.