Dating Down. Safe Bet or Resentment Inevitable?

[Shane505]

How many of you would date below your league as far as physical attractiveness, education, career, and intelligence for someone you know will be lucky just to have you as a partner and will be faithful and treat you like a king/queen?

 

Would you be flattered or resentful if someone way more attractive and successful than you picked you because they see you as a safe bet as the main reason with all things going okay.

[sara-pezzini]

is this a serious question???? how arrogant!! people "beneath" you are people too, have feelings, deserve happiness, deserve someone who totally and completely loves them for who they are and not someone whu uses them as a safe bet....sheesh.....you say it like there are inferior people and superior people...not cool!!!!

[Klokwurk]

I would not date below my level because I would get annoyed very quickly. I would date above because I know they can't be that far above me, considering I value myself so highly.

[ParisPaulette]

What? Why would there be any need to "date down" as you put it? Either you like someone and want to get to know them better and you date them or you discover you don't like something about them such as their looks or personality or bank account or whatever you may deem as "dating down" and you don't. End of story. I think the concept you're getting at is sort of similar to that stupid 1960s song about "if you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, don't make a pretty woman your wife" or whatever. I personally always wanted to smack whoever wrote that song upside the head. (Rolls eyes) And yes, I'd be very ticked off if someone considered they were dating down by going out with me since that would mean I was dating down too since I really can't stand shallow superficial people.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I have been lately getting into Georgette Heyer's regency romance novels which focus on the life of the titled upper class in the late 18th and early 19th century. She had done a lot of research into that time period and describes very well the clothing, and various types of horse drawn vehicles that were used by this class. She also describes the class structure and how this class mingled amongst their own set. Middle class people were considered beneath their touch and were not considered marriageable partners. That idea of "beneath them" was based on the wealth and social class factor. There really should be no "beneath me" attitude. It should be about whether or not they have common values and interests rather than about downgrading that person to being lower than you. The only thing that I would consider as inferior is if someone has a bad character..then I would say they are beneath another person.

[ButterflyWrists]

I don't date people based on looks, education, intelligence or whatnot.. thats really shallow and superficial.. Education can be gained or improved, looks change over time, and intelligence is different to different people. I've learned a lot from someone who has a really low IQ but is really intelligent with his hands, I've also had a hard time understanding people from a similar education as myself. I date someone because I feel compatable with them, if I feel like I am dating out of my legue (above or below) I leave, as it isn't fair on the person. This question is annoying...

[pippy longstocking]

I dont have a league

 

 

If someone is interested in me I feel greatful that another human being has entered my life , even if it is only long

enough for me to say " no thankyou"

[pippy longstocking]

I have been thinking about this shane and I kind of see where your coming from in one way ..

 

an ex of mine once said that if we finished , his next one would be the ugliest girl he could find because

he is sick of the attention pretty girls get ..and at least with an ugly bird he knows he is safe with her.

 

what a terrible attitude to have and this was all his own making from his own paranoid insecure mind.

[MasterPo]

How many of you would date below your league as far as physical attractiveness, education, career, and intelligence for someone you know will be lucky just to have you as a partner and will be faithful and treat you like a king/queen?

 

Would you be flattered or resentful if someone way more attractive and successful than you picked you because they see you as a safe bet as the main reason with all things going okay.

 

Just reading this raises my hackles but I sort of understand what you are saying. However you are assuming that for whatever reason you hold this superiority that you can also control your emotions. BS! You will get hurt and probably even more so if your ego can't handle the idea that someone below your stations mucked you up. Disney has a few stories about just that issue.

[pippy longstocking]

read his op again ..I think he means that HE has been chosen by someone he considers to be ABOVE him league wise, and that

he is the under dog .

 

or am I making this up !! ha

[MasterPo]

Oh..in that case my reply would be rather negative but if he's looking for validation then I'm sure someone will give it

[pippy longstocking]

Oh..in that case my reply would be rather negative but if he's looking for validation then I'm sure someone will give it

 

I dont know master , don't take my word on anything haha , he needs to be a bit more clear

 

but whichever way round he means ...its the same opinion from all of us about leagues etc

[MasterPo]

Yeah, I understand.

[lavenderdove]

Well, the problem with this logic is that attraction between people is so variable and the idea of 'leagues' is really a teenaged attitude towards life.

 

For example, research shows that when people have affairs, they don't even usually choose people who are as or more attractive than their spouse, they just choose someone different than them. So being together and staying together isn't about leagues, but about how people interact with each other over the long run, and whether it is a positive enough interaction to sustain the relationship.

 

And one person's princess can be another person's toad! An extremely attractive person might also be extremely stupid, or boring, or nasty, or troublemaking etc. So classifying them as in a high 'league' when they have so many other negative qualities that won't sustain a relationship just doesn't apply.

 

'Leagues' are usually based in teenage culture on looks and sometimes money, with none of the other complexity factored in. But as people mature, i've seen some incredibly homely people land stunners, and some gorgeous people who end up failing in relationship after relationship because they have other serious issues that make it impossible for others to want to stay with them.

 

So the concept of 'leagues' really isn't based on anything much at all since the reality proves far different once one gets over the age of about 18 where people become less shallow in their choices of partners becaue their own egos become strong either they don't care what other people think and do as they please.

[pippy longstocking]

And one person's princess can be another person's toad!

 

hahahaha yes this is very true

[laninaperdida]

I have always dated below me.

I confess I did it because I enjoy being treated well & I love that I've never had to have that girl-talk in which I complain about how much he was an ass to me.

However, I was never satisfied in the relationships because of this difference in leagues.

I've really outgrown "playing it safe" (& dating below you really is a lot safer... man those guys will put up with a lot) & I don't care if the guy ends up being a jerk.

I just want to date someone I'm attracted to... Someone I get excited to hear from & sad when I don't.

It may end badly, but oh well, lol.

I pretty much just want my equal.

[Justme3]

Laninaperdida, "those men" you consider below you, what do you mean by that? What type of men are below you? I don't understand this difference in league concept.

[Ms Darcy]

How many of you would date below your league as far as physical attractiveness, education, career, and intelligence for someone you know will be lucky just to have you as a partner and will be faithful and treat you like a king/queen?

 

Would you be flattered or resentful if someone way more attractive and successful than you picked you because they see you as a safe bet as the main reason with all things going okay.

 

I don't feel anyone is out of my "league" per se. The only thing is I might notice is other women find my partner attractive (e.g. women stare at him). But I consider myself attractive, so I don't worry.

 

I agree that the idea of leagues is an immature notion because it does not take into account the many aspects that make up attraction (personality, looks, education, lifestyle, etc).

[pippy longstocking]

Laninaperdida, "those men" you consider below you, what do you mean by that? What type of men are below you? I don't understand this difference in league concept.

 

I am curious as well , don;t want to seem like it is getting at you ..but my interest is aroused now

[Firiel]

This. My parents thought my husband was "below me" when we started dating because he was overweight and hadn't gone to college (yet). But I valued different things like compassion, humor, and intelligence. Together, we are very compatible. We both have different strengths and weaknesses. Someone who sees us in the store and can't believe a tall, thin woman is holding hand with an overweight guy with a silly beard won't know how that guy supported that girl when she was struggling with anxiety and depression or how he hold that girl accountable to be more compassionate and loving towards the people they meet.

[Klokwurk]

Why are so many people trying to sound like they do not pay attention to class, education, physical attractiveness, personality, when judging someone? We ALL judge, get off your high horses!

 

While we don't live in a society with clearly defined class structure (which is pretty sweet) we ARE animals that make value judgments based on comparisons.

 

Let's all be honest, yeesh. You, yes, YOU, think you are better than some people, intrinsically. I mean, heck, that is how this country's population (the united states) gets a pass with its own conscience knowing that they are screwing the rest of the world.

 

When you see a bum on the street standing next to a nice-looking lad in a suit, does anyone here honestly believe the only difference between them is luck?

 

League refers to the MANY factors that comprise a humans "worth", not JUST looks, not JUST x, y, or z. When choosing out mates, we factor in all of these things in our unconscious mind and figure if the product if something we'd like to possibly make babies with.

 

Tldr; WE JUDGE, WE MAKE VALUE ASSESSMENTS. There EXISTS an unspoken social-class system of human worth. Yes, I know it sounds disgusting, but it is STILL a functioning mechanism in society, and to deny it is a bit naive.

 

I understand why people prefer not to acknowledge these systems of power in this particularly sensitive region of human existence, but equality and social mobility and all that good stuff a democratic society should have REALLY falls apart when people judge pooter and dongle compatibilty quotients.

 

Come on, admit it!

[Firiel]

I never said I didn't make judgments. For me, my valued attributes are just different than many people's (including my parents'). What I'm trying to say is that, from an outside perspective, you can never tell if someone is "dating down" in their eyes or not. For me, physical attractiveness is not a huge imperative. Therefore, while someone may look at me with my husband and think I'm "dating down," in my own eyes, I'm not. For someone, intelligence may not be an important factor. So they might consider themselves the luckiest person on earth to be dating an exceptionally attractive person who isn't all that smart, even though if I were dating the same person, I'd be "dating down."

 

That's what I'm trying to get at. Where each exact person stacks up on a scale of intelligence, attractiveness, wealth, etc. isn't important because no one is going to share the exact same values/preferences as someone else. What really matters is that each person feels blessed to have the other as his/her partner, and that can only be determined on a case-by-case basis.

[itsallgrand]

How many of you would date below your league as far as physical attractiveness, education, career, and intelligence for someone you know will be lucky just to have you as a partner and will be faithful and treat you like a king/queen?

 

Would you be flattered or resentful if someone way more attractive and successful than you picked you because they see you as a safe bet as the main reason with all things going okay.

 

Picking someone as a partner because they seem "safe" has always seemed to be to a be a cowards game. And one of the things I am most attracted to in a man, in fact, is bravery. The type of bravery that means he isn't afraid to do what needs to be done even if it isn't popular, isn't easy, even isn't particularly acclaimed.

 

I would not date below my league (using your language for the sake of answering the question) because of this same reason. How could I respect myself, personally, if I did that?! I couldn't . I would be ashamed!

 

How is it even possible to feel flattered that someone would see me as a "safe bet" and below his usual radar?! I don't get that. I would see it as "this guy is an ass" honestly. And it wouldn't matter what class, background, colour, or age we are talking about .....there are asses in every colour and spectrum of the rainbow.

[Klokwurk]

After reading your story, firiel, it didn't seem to me you were dating down at all! Your husband sounds cool. If I saw you with a stocky bearded guy, I would think, he must be with that girl!

 

I think I use the term "league" as a more holistic evaluation than most people... Maybe it is used differently by most other people.

[lizzie2011]

The league thing in romance is rubbish. Just because you consider someone beneath you and that they should be lucky to have you is no indicator that they treat you well. I can say from experience that ugly men [don't kill me] were not nicer to me than the good looking ones. Its about who the person is and the values they hold. I personally dislike persons with an inferiority/superiority complex. They waste too much time judging people to enjoy them. Its not that we don't all judge people on some level but there should be that voice [which i like to think of as intelligence] which reminds you that it doesn't matter. there are many things that may attract one person to the other. If it is that you think this person is better/worse than you put that kind of thinking out of your head it can only lead to problems.