Are there some people in life who NEVER meet the right person?

[louberr27]

I have been wondering lately if there are some people - and I would include myself in this - who are just destined to NOT ever have any long term or meaningful relationship?

 

At the age of 32, and not having been in a relationship longer than 6 months for the last 10 years, i'm starting to think that I will have to resign myself to the fact that its just not gonna happen for me. I see my friends and family pair off with partners for the long-haul as happens when you get older, and i'm still stuck in the same place as I always am, relationship wise.

 

Im friendly and outgoing and I have lots of interests and have made a great life for myself, especially since the start of this year. I do meet men, some that I like and some that I dont, but it never seems to go anywhere with any of them. In the past ive questioned myself about what it is that Im doing wrong to contribute to this situation (and admittedly sometimes it HAS been ME doing things wrong) but friends tell me that overall i've just been unlucky. However, now as the year draws to a close i'm starting to think that maybe the hope that I carry that I might one day meet someone to make a life with is actually misplaced, and that for me its just not meant to happen. Do some people genuinely just miss the boat altogether?

[camus154]

Well, there are around 7 billion people on the planet--a whole lot of them are single and will remain single, so sure, it's entirely possible you might wind up alone.

 

However, it's up to you to do some soul searching to discover why things don't seem to work out with you. Simply being unlucky won't cut it as an explanation. You haven't given us any specifics here, but they're not really necessary. Are you being entirely honest with yourself about why things haven't worked out? Is it a lack of opportunity or do you find yourself repeating patterns?

[and so it goes]

Are there some people in life who NEVER meet the right person?

 

Yes, in fact I would go so far as to say MOST people will never meet the right person. Some have unhappy relationships that they can't escape, others work with what they have and make the best of it. Others never stop serial dating.

Others throw themselves so deeply with work, or religion or substance abuse as ways of dodging ever having to realize this fact.

 

OK, now I feel like crap

[ZhaoZilong5]

Some have unhappy relationships that they can't escape, others work with what they have and make the best of it. Others never stop serial dating.

 

OP is asking a realistic question here. Let's face it: humans aren't perfect. Having somebody to work with and make the best of is the right person. Again, to be realistic, no relationship will ever take 0% work.

 

OP, I'm glad to see somebody who doesn't believe in nonsense like "you'll find love" or "love will come to you.". I've worked with so many old people who have been alone for most of their lives. No marriage, no fruitful relationships, nothing. Sometimes, they're strong enough to remain happy. Then, there are those who look so lonely and have the tinge of sadness in their eyes...and the way they talk about their lives... It gets really depressing just listening to them talk like that at an age when they can barely move...as if all of their youthful vigor was wasted.

 

There are no guarantees in life, so make the gamble. If you want love, then focus on finding it. Sure, some people get lucky when love just comes to them, but that's the gamble they made. How many people do you know focused 100% on their careers and are successful yet alone? It depends on your priorities.

[allcity]

Are there some people in life who NEVER meet the right person? Yes, I absolutely think there are. Unfortunately! I know plenty of older people that have been in failed LTR's, had kids etc and yet still ended up alone through their 40's, 50's, 60's and beyond.

 

And I know people in their 30's that have been single their whole life, save for a short one year relationship or two here and there. And the common thread with all of them is that their personal issues and/or inability to adapt to a relationship or create a bond has been the reason.

 

It's difficult enough to find someone that you're truly compatible with and it's even harder if you're not able to make it work when you do. So my advice for anyone that asks this question is to work on yourself in the meantime, so if you do meet someone you'll be able to make it work.

 

Successfully dating and building/maintaining successful relationships is a skill that some people just have and that other people need to develop. And then meeting the 'right' person is down to luck and putting yourself in the right place at the right time.

 

It's a tricky balance. Some people just find it really easy and have more luck than others, while others have to work a little bit harder. Dwelling on the fact that some people seem to never meet the right person is no good, though. You might or you might not! Believing that you won't will just make you miserable, so keep on believing you will.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

And I know people in their 30's that have been single their whole life, save for a short one year relationship or two here and there. And the common thread with all of them is that their personal issues and/or inability to adapt to a relationship or create a bond has been the reason.

 

Some of the most messed up people I know manage to find someone who will walk on hot coals for them..and some of the best people end up alone because it often seems the case that the really messed up people are the most popular "catches"! Often people end up alone because they are not willing to settle for junk, not because they are messed up.

[allcity]

^^^

Very true!

[FreeFallFeelin]

I also wonder if as a society we have learned to idealize the concept of finding the "right person". For sure, a partner needs to be compatible, and there needs to be love, support, and a willingness to make it work, but there seems to be a widespread belief that we need to find the "perfect one".

 

In addition, our modern society (in western culture) there really is no need for a permanent relationship bond. We no longer depend on having lots of children and tight family unit to keep our clan alive. We live in a society that has almost completely obliterated male/female and family roles. Far fewer people are having children now than ever before (people now prefer pets). Marriage has become a halfhearted promise (as long as it feels good), or ceremonial pageantry at best for most people. The original purpose was to make a bond between you, your partner and your "God" - forever. A wife or husband in the past may not have been "perfect" but people had to make it work for the sake of survival. There were no dating sites and there wasn't an 'upgrade culture' constantly telling us "you could do better ...you can have more ...always more". People made do and were content, for the most part.

 

I'm not saying the old way is better or worse, I'm merely pointing out that the search for the perfect partner is certainly a luxury not seen by the entire world, nor by our own ancestors. Have we lost our way? Are relationships better now than they were? Maybe it's not better or worse, but just different? I am so disillusioned with love these days....*sigh*

[happpybear]

Some of the most messed up people I know manage to find someone who will walk on hot coals for them..and some of the best people end up alone because it often seems the case that the really messed up people are the most popular "catches"! Often people end up alone because they are not willing to settle for junk, not because they are messed up.

 

 

this is soo true. Most people i know in RS's right now are really messed up people. I have posted before that i am starting to believe that you need to be messed up in order to get a date. It is what I see, I know so many really awesome, well-adjusted, smart, attractive single people who can't get a date, and are in shorter RS's because they don't want to settle for someone who is not their equal.

 

I resent the opinion that if you are still single past a certain age then you are messed up, or damaged goods. On the contrary, at least from what I see in my own life.

[MattW]

Unfortunately, I do think some people never find anyone. I'm pretty sure I'm one of those people. Just can't see myself ever finding someone that's a "good match" for me, and even if I do, there's no guarantee she'll be interested in me. Pretty sad thought, but eh, what can ya do?

[Leftright]

Don't feel too bad about it OP, I can relate also, I'm in my mid-thirties, and can't say that I've ever met anyone I was compatible with. I would like to say that it will happen for everyone, but there are no absolutes in this universe of ours. Being single is tough for those who seek company and can't find it, but don't see that in a negative light. Instead, forget what your friends and acquaintances are doing with their lives and learn to love your solitude. Try to immerse yourself in something that is worthwhile. Express those feelings into something creative, and completely worth your time. I for one, have decided to commit myself to my main interests, that being music and art. I'm at a point now where I don't think I could compromise any of my passions for the sake of a relationship, If I ever meet her, she will have to love the expression of creativity as much as I do...no exceptions.

 

Remember, most of the greatest works were created out of loneliness, in complete solitude....i could list an absolute ton of extremely bright artists and thinkers here, but I wouldn't want to bore you!

 

-LR

[Ms Darcy]

I find that the people "left out" of love have a few traits:

 

1. Passivity - expecting "love" to just fall into their lap. Not really making the effort to prioritize dating and the search. And are not willing to make any sacrifices for it (e.g. moving to a city with a singles population). I think this is the biggest one.

 

2. Baggage - yes everyone has some baggage but some people have a whole room-full! If you have negative perceptions about the opposite gender, it's very hard to find love.

 

3. Herculean Expectations - only once have I known a male friend who could find a "supermodel Rhodes Scholar" type girl. But he was a "supermodel Rhodes Scholar" type guy. Aside from looks, some people are just so picky no one can "make them happy."

 

4. Neediness/Insecuity - it drives most (not all) people away.

 

5. Lack of Self-Improvement - this can mean many things. But people need to remember to take care of their health - mental, physical, and emotional. If you have anger issues, work on that. If you are obsese, work on that. If you are wanting to get a degree, work on that.

 

6. Low Confidence - particularly in communicating with the opposite sex.

 

7. Unclear communication - you have to let who you date know you want a meaningful, long-term relationship.

[wsim]

I am probably one of these people as well, since I am 28 years old as of tomorrow and never had a relationship before.

 

At this point, if it was meant to happen then it should have already. However, as it has not, it is becoming more likely that it was never meant to be.

[SapphireNoir10]

Well I guess we all end up alone at somepoint!!

 

But yeah I guess some people never meet the right person, I know an old lady whose 80 now and she never ever married or had children, but she loves her life and wouldn't change any of it. Some people are happy on there own.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

To this list of POSSIBLE reasons, you also left out

8. Tried everything that people say to do but was not lucky enough to find something that mutually meshed.

There is always the "blame game" that goes on when someone hasn't found love...and your 7 point list is a good example of "if you never found someone then it is your own fault". No...there is simply not someone for everyone...not everyone is lucky enough to meet their match, no matter how hard they try. Of course if they try and fail then people blame them and say "you are trying too hard, let it come naturally, you will meet someone when you least expect it"....so then they follow that line of advice and finding someone by accident doesn't work either so then others will blame them and say "you are not trying hard enough". For single people it is a lose-lose situation when they can't find someone in that no matter what they do their failure at finding someone will always be blamed on what they did or didn't do or say rather than on the reality which is that not everyone can find the right match.

 

Also, just because you have success in finding someone who also wants to be with you, doesn't mean it is the right match. Success in relationships is not simply finding someone to be with..that is only the beginning. If you start factoring in all the miserable relationships which ultimately end or which plod along very miserably for the rest of time, the number of people who are "alone" skyrockets. You can be very much alone in a relationship. Finding "someone" does not necessarily mean you have been successful at love.

[CatchersRye]

I am probably one of these people as well, since I am 28 years old as of tomorrow and never had a relationship before.

 

At this point, if it was meant to happen then it should have already. However, as it has not, it is becoming more likely that it was never meant to be.

 

wsim, I am 31 years old and I just met my first girlfriend last year. We became exclusive this past January. I do what I can to work with her on this relationship and I while I think of her as my first girlfriend, I've never thought of her being gone nor who would be #2. She's all that matters to me. I've wanted a girlfriend, I wanted to date girls since I was in elementary school.

 

I spent decades of my life trying and trying all the while crying my eyes out, feeling like my heart was giving all it could and at times it just could not be moved. There were points that I felt I would be in my 40s still alone waiting for other people to mature while I wait for them to see me as the good man that I am.

 

I understand that pain and that fear. I only was able to start having dates the preceding year I met my girlfriend, before then no dates. I went on a total of 4 dates before I met her and we started having fun together...getting close.

 

It's one of the most unbearable feelings in the world and I loathe to see others experience that. As long as one is alive, willing to work for it, and also keeping themselves in good mental and physical health, then you just have to keep working through all the bad experiences, the "didn't work out" experiences, until you find someone that clicks with you. The you just have to be willing to be open to them and see their perspective and willing to work WITH them to keep things going.

 

Then it's a matter of having good communication skills, comparable humor, empathy for them, the ability to trust them, and the capacity to be honest with them (which requires good communication skills).

 

For the truly best things in life, you have to work for it. And you have no say in when enough work has been done.

[lilypadgirl]

While I favor self-reflection and self-growth, in the spirit of Ms. Darcy's post, I completely agree with you Crazyaboutdogs. There is definitely an element of luck in it. I've heard so many different/conflicting advice from my happily married friends. In the end, I'll keep trying to learn from past mistakes but also accept who I am at the core and hope that if I just be true to the best version of me, I'll find someone who can truly love, appreciate, and commit to me.

[louberr27]

Some of the most messed up people I know manage to find someone who will walk on hot coals for them..and some of the best people end up alone because it often seems the case that the really messed up people are the most popular "catches"! Often people end up alone because they are not willing to settle for junk, not because they are messed up.

 

YES! exactly!! I SO often see people I know who are a mess emotionally and yet have a queue of people waiting to go out with them! A good friend of mine is a case in point. She plays SO many games with men, all of her good friends know that deep down she is incredibly insecure and needy, and yet she has men buying her gifts and making fools of themselves for her left, right and centre. This happens all of the time! I refuse to play the same silly games for the sake of getting attention from a man, I would feel a bloody fool doing it and apart from that I would prefer to just be myself, but that doesnt seem to be enough.

 

I hate the assumption that because you cant meet someone there is something wrong with you, or youre just too picky.

[Deejmonster]

wsim, I am 31 years old and I just met my first girlfriend last year. We became exclusive this past January. I do what I can to work with her on this relationship and I while I think of her as my first girlfriend, I've never thought of her being gone nor who would be #2. She's all that matters to me. I've wanted a girlfriend, I wanted to date girls since I was in elementary school.

 

Congrats man! Im so happy to hear that something good happens to someone who really waits long enough.

 

As long as one is alive, willing to work for it, and also keeping themselves in good mental and physical health, then you just have to keep working through all the bad experiences, the "didn't work out" experiences, until you find someone that clicks with you.

 

This is so hard to face and do everyday.. stand up in the face of rejection and continue to try everyday... as Albert Einstein once said "Insanity is doing the exact same thing over and over again and expecting a different result" its so true... and this is exactly how being unsuccessful at dating feels.

[pl3asehelp]

I think most people fall into this category.

[Silverbirch]

I think there can be all types of reasons. I'm also not certain that there is any ONE person who is right for any of us. I've had a series of long-term relationships which ended for different reasons. I can't know until the day I die whether I will have found a lasting love or whether my life will follow the course of having more than one person in it who I love.

 

My current SO was not in a relationship for 16 years before he was with me! He says it was because he was not prepared to "settle" for whoever came along. I think there were other reasons too though - he worked in male dominated employment for most of his life, and then changed this not long before I met him - I was one of his first clients - and I know that he has other female clients who are interested in him who might be considered a good catch. He doesn't drink or go to the clubbing scene, never went to dating sites. He also had interests which were mostly male-dominated - and on top of all of that - he was and is a person who is very happy with his own company with lots of interests. He says he didn't need a woman to feel complete or happy.

 

I think it was partly luck that I met him, partly just he increased his chances of meeting women - so maybe it's partly a numbers game. My older sister has been very happily married for around 20 years, and she must have had more boyfriends than anyone I know on Planet Earth - until she met her husband (it is her second marriage). My other sister who is happily married for many years has been with her husband since they were both 14. It's different for everyone.

[Ms Darcy]

Aww, your post reminds me of my boyfriend. Sooo cute.

 

A few thoughts. 1. I don't believe in luck. I believe that we are presented with many opportunities and we can make the most of them or not. I think self-improvement is a constant process. I am always evolving and I think for any of us to think we don't need to improve is sadly short-sided. I have a boyfriend but I recently took a "how to flirt" class; it adds spice to our relationship.

 

2. "Attraction" is not something you have or you don't. You can work on your level of attractiveness without changing who you are. I increased my dating opportunities three-fold by learning how to smile more and have open body language. Primarily, it makes me happier. Secondarily, it makes me more approachable to others. Of course confidence plays a role. Lastly, I think the most attractive skill I have developed is listening. Being a good listener and making a partner feel safe/accepted - while still surprising them with jokes at light moments - really helps a person's heart strings tie to yours.

 

3. "Dating all the time" is not a measure of success. I consider my bf a great dating success. But that's because he seized on an opportunity, pursued it with confidence despite 28 years of singlehood, and is a fantastic communicator. I also don't consider anyone who plays games and has lots of guys particularly lucky. I am more concerned with quality not quantity.

 

It only takes one to be "the one."

 

Summary - I am a great person and I love myself. But I am not so big-headed to assume that I don't need to self-reflect and improve. For me, that tends to coincide with not necessarily a large quantity of suitors but a small quantity of quality suitors. This says to me that I can increase my attractiveness by always working on being my happiest, most fun, and most accepting me.

 

Not everyone needs to subscribe to this. I just do what works for me and suggest it as well.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

2. "Attraction" is not something you have or you don't. You can work on your level of attractiveness without changing who you are. I increased my dating opportunities three-fold by learning how to smile more and have open body language. Primarily, it makes me happier. Secondarily, it makes me more approachable to others. Of course confidence plays a role. Lastly, I think the most attractive skill I have developed is listening. Being a good listener and making a partner feel safe/accepted - while still surprising them with jokes at light moments - really helps a person's heart strings tie to yours.

 

That worked for you...but those same qualities may not work for someone else..it depends who they meet, whether they like the person who is interested in them or if the person they are interested in reciprocates. You got lucky in that the person you liked also liked you...but the same smile, openness etc will not work on someone who is just not interested because there are other parts of the package that doesn't interest the person.

 

Finding someone is just not so simplistic that if you do x, y and z you are guaranteed success...there are other factors which play a role...particularly finding someone where the interest is mutual, not just one-sided.

[Batya33]

I felt as you did about 9 months before my husband and I reconnected (we had dated seriously in the past) - I had several long term relationships, dated a lot, but had not been able to commit to marriage. A few months later I ended my on again off again long term relationship and started dating again (still with some of that feeling of "it will never happen for me"). A few months after that I had an "a ha" moment where I realized why my last relationship didn't work out and about two months after that had a platonic dinner with my now husband where sparks flew. I will tell you though that getting engaged and married was a work in progress and involved both my head and my heart. I also never in a million years thought that on my wedding day I'd be relaxed and excited but no jitters about getting married -quite the opposite -felt like the most magical yet natural thing to do. But it took a lot of self-work and work on the relationship and marriage itself (almost 4 years) is also a work in progress. But I was and am ready for it! hope that helped (I got married at 42).

[Ms Darcy]

I say things that have worked for me, and many other people, yes. But I would not be so simplistic as to say do x to get y outcome. Doesn't mean one shouldn't do x though. Like I said, all of this is to become a happy, well-rounded, growth-oriented individual. That also tends to help people find partners. Having a negative attitude usually doesn't.