My girlfriend thinks I'm in love with my best friend. Does it look like it?

[Nick7lno]

Hello, a couple of days ago, my girlfriend told me that she isn’t sure if I care about her anymore. She said that she also thinking of leaving me because of the relationship and the things I do with my best friend Jade. You see, Jade and I have been best friends since we were thirteen, that’s about eleven years now and we are close very close and we do some things that have become natural to us.

 

You see when I was growing up I never had much success with the ladies and Jade would lend a hand. If she was with me and saw some girls I knew she would start to kiss me to make some of the other girls a bit jealous, because she was and still is a very pretty girl. Never worked though but that became a bit normal. So now when we see each other while some might greet with a peck on the cheek we kiss on the mouth, nothing fancy just a little kiss, a peck on the lips, nothing more than that. And after about eight years of that, its normal for us. Another is that we kind of hold each other, like last week we went to the shops together because she wanted some opinions on a skirt and while walking she kind of snuggled into me and I held her by the waist, I also gave her a kiss on the forehead because she’s just come out of a rough patch, that’s normal we do this all the time. What we didn’t know was that my girlfriend was also at the shops and saw this. She also had a go that I never go shopping with her and to put it frank, she has a terrible taste in clothes, and that’s why I don’t really like to go with her because I don’t like saying “that’s horrible”, it really gets her down. But the big thing my girlfriend has a problem is that Jade and I sleep in the same bed sometimes. Back when we were seventeen, Jade lost her Nan, now Jade lost her mum when she was about six so her Nan was her mum. And this gutted her completely and I was at her place being for her and I don’t know exactly how it happened but we ended up sleeping in her bed. Nothing happed but it felt like the right thing to do to comfort her. And this became a regular thing, when we go camping we only take one sleeping bag and share it but nothing and I will stress this, nothing happens, we've never had sex.

 

Now the last point I can understand where my girlfriend is coming from but how can I convince her that it’s nothing, this is all normal for us.

Jade and I we have a deep bond, very deep bond and a sort of closeness that I can’t describe. You see, both jade and I have had a **** time growing up. You see, I’m not welcome back home. My father is bastard, an absolute bastard. And it got to the point where when I was twelve my uncle got a court order so I could live with him. We moved to Australia about six months after that. I was a wreck, I had to give up all my friends and move half way accross the world, I was lost. Then I met Jade. She stood by me and took care of me. She pieced me back together. When I was fifteen, I got a letter from my father (he had never been a fan of emails) and it had a ticket to Dublin and it said 'If you want to talk, come back home".

I didn’t even last a day, we had another fight and my father told me that if he ever saw me in Dublin again, he would beat me within an inch of my life. When I came back I was more than a wreck, and Jade was there for me, just as she has always has.

A two years later, when Jade lost her Nan, her dad started to drink, her place was not the most pleasant of places, and I was there for her. During that time we only had each other. I've never told my girlfriend that story about me, I hope I never have to because to put it frankly I'm scared too. As far as she knows I've always lived with my uncle, I didn't tell her that, she just came up with it on her own. Hell the only reason I’m telling you this is because of the anonymity of the internet and that it may help you understand the bond we have, that is not something flirtatious. So you can understand why we feel the need to be close to each other because for years, all we had was each other.

She is my sister, more of a sister than my real sister ever was and can ever be. She’s been there for me more times than I can count and I’ve been there for her too. I love her as my sister and I love my girlfriend too, before she came up to and told me this, I was planning to propose to Kirby. but the way she put it, it was almost if she was saying that I was in love with Jade and that I should sever ties with her. And to be honest, I'm not sure I can do that. I mean I love my girlfriend but Jade has beenan anchor in my life, a constant. Also, on a side note, Kirby and I have been dating for close to four years now, why would it take this long for her to come out and tell me this?

 

Sorry about this being a long one, but does it appear to you that I have feelings for my best friend or that I see her as my best friend, I mean the latter is true but what does it look like to you and how can I convince my girlfriend that nothing is going on?

And thank you for bearing with me on this one.

[rlo619]

Sounds like Jade is the one your gonna end up being with rather you no it or not You love her alittle more than just friends You guys have been through alot together truth be told i'm surprised your girlfriend is still with you kisses on the lips sleeping together snuggled up not normal and definitely not appropriate when you have a girlfriend. The way i see it you got two choices adapt to actual normality where you kiss only your girlfriend on the lips and sleeping with her or leave her to explore and see if maybe you and jade are more.

[angrythoughts]

I'm sorry I didn't read that whole thing but if I were your gf I would have been broken up with you. The only person you should be kissing on the mouth is your girlfriend. Not your "best friend". Unless your gf condones it, which I'm assuming she doesn't, then yes it would appear as a huge problem.

[Bunney]

If you love & respect your girlfriend, then you should stop all that loveydovey body contact with your friend. Her snuggling up to you while you hold her waist and kiss her forehead - what is your gf supposed to think? Because that's something people ONLY do with their partner.

 

You are doing things with her that usually only couples do, how hard is it to put a stop to that?

If you truly dont have any romantic feelings for your friend, then stop acting like you do.

[Nick7lno]

I kissed her on the forehad because that rough patch I mentioned, was her Dad coming out of hospital. She needed some comfort and it was my way of telling her that I was there for her. I should of mentioned that before but know you know.

[Donovan79]

Nick, you don't sound like the type who's going to listen to other people, but they're right. You show friends that you're "there for them" by being available, listening, talking. That's it. Not kissing on the mouth, squeezing her, kissing her on the forehead, etc etc etc. You just say "tell me about it, I'm always here for you". I'm very sorry you had such a crap upbringing, but if you don't cut off the physical stuff with Jade, you're gonna lose your girlfriend. You cannot have both. Period. No excuses.

[Purusha]

It sounds like bar your uncle, Jade has been your only family so it's no wonder you feel a close bond with her. You have to understand the boundaries of other people though - as others have said, you don't have to express your bond physically for it to be there and to comfort someone - it doesn't matter who you're with, any girfriend is likely to have a problem with this.

 

Could you think about discussing it with Jade and altering both of your behaviour so that you can still have your close friendship but also stop they physical stuff so that your partner is more comfortable?

 

I am wondering why though you haven't told your girlfriend (who you say you want to marry) about your past? How can you marry someone who doesn't know that part of you? It does seem to scream that you have more intimacy with Jade than with Kirby, which is probably why Kirby feels that you don't feel as strongly for her as you do. I would question that too. When you're more intimate with a friend than you are with your partner, the partner DOES see and feel it - how can she compete with that?! She's bound to feel that you're not on the same page. Do you have issues with trust? It sounds like Jade has become the trustest confidante (understandably so) but don't let it stop you from reaching out to other people - you can't rely on one person to be the only person that you're honest with, it's not very healthy and will keep you at a distance from other people, including your partner.

 

Good luck! I hope your relationship with your partner and your friend gets through it, but it does sound like you have to reassess your relationships with both of them in order for that to happen.

[Nick7lno]

Growing up with my father, you learn not to leave yourself vulnerable and I can't shake that. Its the place where I'm scared to go, writing that bit there, that took me around an hour to write. And I'm scared of what Kirby will think if I do tell her. Everyone has their secrets, and this is mine. Just talking about it online is hard enough, I don't think I could talk to her about it face to face even if I wanted to.

[agent1607307371]

You need to unlearn that or Kirby will leave you.

 

Basically all your behaviours are defensive, and while that's necessary in abusive situations, once you're not in that situation anymore they're not appropriate.

 

You ask why it's taken her four years to tell you this? But you've had four years to tell her about your past and you haven't. You can't demand someone be open with you while remaining closed yourself. It's incredibly unfair and unbalanced.

 

Have you sought any therapy?

[jaciej]

When you met your girlfriend did it not occur to you that kissing, snuggling and sleeping with another woman isnt appropriate. You keep saying its "normal" all the time...it is not the "norm" for the majority of people to behave like this. I am surprised that your "best friend" has not advised you of this error, or does she like the fact that she has some control over you. You seem to be making excuses to keep carrying on behaving in the same manner, it also seems that your girlfriend or potential girlfriends will be bottom of the list when it comes to Jade, she (your girl) is telling you that she might leave you and you're are trying to justify and convince her that she is being irrational.

[drummergirl]

Just out of curiosity, how would you feel if your gf slept with other men, kissed them on the lips, went shopping with them and let them snuggle her, as 'just friends'?

 

How would you feel if you married this girl and then discovered there were important parts about her past she hadn't disclosed to you?

 

How would you feel if she liked and activity you liked, but ONLY with her male 'friend', NEVER with you?

 

Truthfully, there seems like so much wrong with this that I don't even know where to start.

 

I think your relationship with your friend may be odd, but I have nothing against it. If your were single, I don't think that sleeping with your friend and not having sex would matter. But the fact that you seem to not even understand how or why your gf may be bothered by it and don't seem like you want to. You just want to say it's normal because this is what you did with your friend pre-girlfriend. The thing is once you get a girlfriend, 'normal' has to change for your girlfriend. Just because you were free to date whoever you wanted when you were single and that was 'normal' doesn't mean that it gets to stay normal after you get a girlfriend.

 

Your 'friend' sounds more like your gf than your gf does in all of your descriptions which is probably what is driving your gf crazy. You need to make boundaries with your friend- no kissing, no snuggling, no sleeping together, out of respect for your gf's feelings or you need to realize you care more for your friend than you do for your gf and let the poor girl move on.

[Beautiful Nightmare]

Nick7lno, I'm going to put it simply for you - no girl wants to be the third wheel in a relationship, and that's exactly what Kirby is when it comes to your relationship with Jade.

 

You ask if it looks like you're in love with your best friend? Well, yes, it does. You are connected with her on an emotional level in a way that you aren't with your own girlfriend. And by your own admission, probably never will be because you don't know how to open up to her without feeling vulnerable. Put yourself in Kirby's shoes - does that sound like the kind of relationship you want to be in? Feeling second best is not a pleasant feeling, especially when it comes to relationships.

 

Your intimate behavior with Jade needs to stop if you want to keep your current relationship with your girlfriend. And if you are unwilling to do so, maybe you should take a closer look at your relationship with Jade and ask yourself if your feelings for her are more than friendly and platonic. Because to anyone who isn't you or Jade, it certainly looks that way.

[Nick7lno]

I'm not demanding that she tells me these things, I'm only curious.

[mhowe]

Your relationship w/ Jade --- it can be better than a sister, it can be bf --- but it cannot be physical. Well, I guess it can and is -- but you cannot expect any woman to accept that.

 

And by phyical, I truly mean -- you cannot sleep in same bed, you can't kiss her except like you would kiss....your sister.

 

You need to think long and hard on this.

[Nick7lno]

When you've had someone there for you as long as I've had Jade, its hard to let go, even if you want to. And after this I've realised that I have to and I know that may seem so idiotic that I've just realised it but I think I've just been kiddin and kidding myself because I don't want to face the fact that I have to let her go. And you know what? I'm scared too. I'm scared of letting go of pretty much the only constant in my life. The one person that, thats it shes the one person, isn't she? And you know what? As Purush said, I have trust issues. I have been cut down by everyone I know exept for Jade. And even the thought of losing that shakes me, but I have to. If you can help please do because I do not want to lose Kirby, so please.

[mhowe]

My bf has had a woman as his bf since he was 13. He is now 51 -- and she is now married w/ 3 kids. They are still best friends. And I, a grwon adult woman of same age -- -accept it, but honestly -- if it was over between them, I would be happier. But he wouldn't....

 

But they have boundaries. The have never "dated", they do not kiss --

 

It is about having a convo w/ Jade - re boundaries. And then telling your gf, word for word, about that convo.

 

It may be that you have to cut Jade loose for a bit, until you can feel only brotherly affection for her. You don't have to say good bye forever.

 

And let Kriby know what she means to you.

[Bunney]

Who says you have to completely let go of her? You just need to respect the boundaries and stop the physical stuff, and try opening up to your girlfriend the same way you do with your friend.

[drummergirl]

I don't think you necessarily have to let Jade go entirely, but you need to establish clean boundaries that your gf can be ok with. It's not like calling her on the phone and talking is wrong. I'm friends with one of my exes, and we have kind of a... different.... friendship as well. But he recently got a girlfriend, and once he did, things changed. He had to establish different boundaries. If we were hanging out and his gf needs something, guess what, he tells me, and I understand and let him leave to deal with his gf. And because I'm his friend and I truly want him to be happy, I want him to do whatever it takes to make his relationship work so I respect it.

 

I think you need to sit down with Jade and explain to her how your gf feels. Tell her that you care about her as a friend, but need for things to be clearly just a friendship- no sleeping together and no kissing and whatnot. Let her know that her friendship is important, but that you need to set boundaries so that your gf is ok with it. Then, let Kirby know you valued her feelings enough to make new boundaries. Tell her that you're sorry you didn't realize it was hurting her and make it clear nothing physical will ever happen between you and Jade- and stick to that!

 

And make sure your gf knows she is Number 1. No shopping with Jade and not Kirby. So what if she has bad taste in clothes? Don't you enjoy just hanging out at the mall with her anyway? And no need to say something is ugly... find SOMETHING, ANYTHING you like about it... that color looks good on you, I like the buttons, the design is nice... or say nothing at all, or be helpful and suggest she try on something you like and tell her how attractive you think she is in it once she does. No need to be a jerk and tell her the clothes she likes are hideous. Have some tact.

[appdev89]

My bf has had a woman as his bf since he was 13. He is now 51 -- and she is now married w/ 3 kids. They are still best friends. And I, a grwon adult woman of same age -- -accept it, but honestly -- if it was over between them, I would be happier. But he wouldn't....

 

But they have boundaries. The have never "dated", they do not kiss --

 

It is about having a convo w/ Jade - re boundaries. And then telling your gf, word for word, about that convo.

 

It may be that you have to cut Jade loose for a bit, until you can feel only brotherly affection for her. You don't have to say good bye forever.

 

And let Kriby know what she means to you.

 

Yeah imo this is the advice you need. mhowe is like kirby. You should realize that you need to be not physical with Jade and have proper boundaries that are deemed to be acceptable in this civilized society. You should try to talk to your girlfriend and work with her to come to a mutual agreement of what is within boundaries. And that should be just being Jade's best friend, and should exclude anything physical including your normal kisses, sleeping together etc.

 

I also find it a bit odd that Jade doesn't tell you that no girl will like your extreme bond. She is a girl and she should realize this. Even though you may think of her as a sister, she may think of you as more than that. Its possible that she is just too shy to take the dive and ruin what you have. What you have is already a significant portion of what a real relationship has.

 

Btw, how can you hurt Kirby? Have you ever googled "Kirby"? I recommend you do that and take a step back and think whether you can hurt such a cute ball of goodness.

[rlo619]

You need stop you hear if you love your girlfriend you need to stop... This isn't polygamy but it's pretty up there she already proved she loves you so much she is still with you even after all that.. You let that go you'll regret it forever.. Unless you actually wanna go for jade? thats on you but otherwise no kissing mouths no holding hands snuggled up no the only time that should happen is for a hug sleep never again with her... Why? because while it is natural for you to do all that stuff... in life and 98 percent of relationships it's natural not to do that. No excuse for kissing her mouth cuse... I know you too have gone through hard times together the hardest i'm not saying don't talk to her or stop being her bestfriend just set boundaries know your role as a boyfriend as any man in a committed relationship.. And she needs to her place as well. You do this and judging by how your girl is taking this you will have an amazing thriving relationship.

[rosephase]

It's funny that rio619 mentioned poly. I'm poly and I see nothing wrong with the friendship you have with Jade. I deeply love a handful of people who I will never sleep with but who are very important friends to me. I like touch and cuddling with these people and will even kiss them (like a peck) on the mouth. I like friendships that are physically close but I also understand blurry lines and talk with my partners about my feelings for these people so my partners can feel informed and like I'm not hiding anything form them. I also check in with myself and my friends pretty regularly to see if feelings or attractions have shifted. And I can completely understand a monogamous relationship being hurt by that level of close friendship.

 

The scary part to me is you have all this history and you aren't sharing it with your girlfriend. I understand what it's like to have a dark past and that it can hurt and be really scary to tell someone about it... but you are thinking about marrying her. You want to commit to her for the rest of your life and have been with her for four years it's past time you dealt with that fear and let her into your life. That includes letting her understand why you and Jade are so close.

 

I don't think there is any reason why you have to lose Jade, but you have to start talking. To both of them but mostly to your girlfriend. If you can't talk it's time to start therapy.

[Nick7lno]

@Bunney: Thats the part, I wasn't talking about letting go of her completely. I was talking about just a little bit.

[Ms Darcy]

If I were Kirby, I would have dumped you.

 

I hear your feelings and your concerns, but if you are going to grow into being a man you need to learn how to heal your past wounds and develop healthy boundaries ASAP. Talk to Kirby. Open up to her. Develop boundaries and communicate them to her. If you don't, she'll leave you.

[Nick7lno]

@Drummergirl: you don't think i've already done that? I've said the small things but Kirby can tell I don't like it, I hide it but she picks up on it and once she does she always says she wants the honest truth. And I do like hanging out with Kirby, I love it. The problem with this is, this is you see just what I do with Jade, you don't see what I do with Kirby or how much time I spend with her. granted from this post it looks like I spend every waking moment with Jade and I do spend a lot of time with her but you don't see how much I spend with Kirby.

[Capricorn3]

If you love & respect your girlfriend, then you should stop all that loveydovey body contact with your friend. Her snuggling up to you while you hold her waist and kiss her forehead - what is your gf supposed to think? Because that's something people ONLY do with their partner.

 

You are doing things with her that usually only couples do, how hard is it to put a stop to that?

If you truly dont have any romantic feelings for your friend, then stop acting like you do.

^^ THIS. If you don't want to lose your girlfriend, then it's time to show her you respect HER and stop all the physical contact with your "friend". I can't say I'm in the least bit surprised that she thinks you're in love with your friend. Reverse the roles - be honest - how would YOU feel if your g/f did all of this with a male friend of hers? I highly doubt you'd be happy with it, or accept it.