My girlfriend thinks I'm in love with my best friend. Does it look like it?

[abitbroken]

Yes, you have to let go the sleeping with her, holding her close and kissing her thing if you EVER want to have a good relationship with a girlfriend. You have to want to make your girlfriend the number one. If Jade is like a sister, would you sleep with your sister and kiss her on the lips? No.

 

If you have trust issues, you are creating more with your girlfriend instead of striving to be trustworthy since you have been burned. You are giving her good reason to not trust you. The thing is, its not just hugging Jade, but because you are doing things with Jade that you won't do with your girlfriend behind her back. You are also sort of insulting your gf (telling us all she has bad taste - who made you the fashion police?) to somehow justify your behavior with Jade.

 

You are never going to have an appropriate relationship with Jade or any girlfriend except one that likes to be walked over if you continue down this path. Jade doesn't deserve to be slept with, etc, just because "she has been there for you". If you really want to be with Jade, then dump kirby and be in a relationship with Jade, but if you really want Kirby or any girl, you will have to wean yourself off the inappropriate behavipr.

[pl3asehelp]

Really? You need people to tell you how wrong what you're doing is? This girl is not your friend. I don't know if you love her or not, but you can't expect to behave with her the way you are and be in a relationship - that will absolutely never, ever work.

[Nick7lno]

@pl3asehelp

Look I know it sounds stupid and it is. Kirby is my first girfriendd, I haven't had any other experience and with Jade after eleven years or so of doing these things, they become second nature almost. But I'm asking for advice here to make things better, I'm trying to change this.

[Capricorn3]

@pl3asehelp

Look I know it sounds stupid and it is. Kirby is my first girfriendd, I haven't had any other experience and with Jade after eleven years or so of doing these things, they become second nature almost. But I'm asking for advice here to make things better, I'm trying to change this.

People ARE giving you advice but you don't seem to be taking anything on board and looks like you've made up your mind that you're not doing anything wrong. Not sure what it is that you want to hear?

[pl3asehelp]

@pl3asehelp

Look I know it sounds stupid and it is. Kirby is my first girfriendd, I haven't had any other experience and with Jade after eleven years or so of doing these things, they become second nature almost. But I'm asking for advice here to make things better, I'm trying to change this.

 

Well - I suggest you either start dating Jade or cut her out of your life completely. No way will you ever be able to have a relationship with a healthy person while she's a part of your life.

[abitbroken]

The advice you want to hear is "how to make Kirby be okay with this and accept this." You are not asking about how to be a considerate boyfriend, how to create boundaries with Jade so you can move into an apropriate friendship. Kirby is NOT going to be okay with you being touchy feely with Jade, with refusing to go shopping with her but going with Jade at the drop of a hat, etc. You WILL have problems with all future girlfriends if you continue this behavior with Jade. It doesn't matter if she has "been there for you" - you don't owe her your body. So really, that is why people are saying either get with Jade and dump Kirby or set boundaries with Jade. If Kirby leaves you, I would not be with anyone and work on getting your relationship with Jade more appropriate and going to counseling, going to support groups to get another support network aside from her.

[drummergirl]

@Drummergirl: you don't think i've already done that? I've said the small things but Kirby can tell I don't like it, I hide it but she picks up on it and once she does she always says she wants the honest truth. And I do like hanging out with Kirby, I love it. The problem with this is, this is you see just what I do with Jade, you don't see what I do with Kirby or how much time I spend with her. granted from this post it looks like I spend every waking moment with Jade and I do spend a lot of time with her but you don't see how much I spend with Kirby.

 

It's not that I don't think you spend time with Kirby. She wouldn't be your gf if you didn't spend time with her. The issue here is the time you spend with Jade and you admit that you "do spend a lot of time with her". More than that, the issue is the WAYS in which you spend time with Jade (doing things you won't even do with Kirby). The thing is this: you are looking at this through YOUR eyes only. You need to take a step back and look at it through KIRBY'S eyes. The point isn't that this is something that is normal to you after 11 years. The point is that Kirby is uncomfortable with it. The reasons for that are very clear to all of us reading this, so you need to REALLY try to look at this through Kirby's eyes and understand how she's feeling. YOU are not the ENTIRE world, so you need to stop looking at this just as "This is what I do. This is how my life is." and try to just imagine what Kirby feels and how HER world is.

[Donovan79]

People, he's not going to listen. He's spent too many years convincing himself that his "friendship" with Jade is normal and must be protected. To start considering that he should stop it would mean that the house of cards he's built around all the different layers in his psyche could come crumbling down. Either tell him a clever way to make Kirby okay with it (she never, ever will be, and hopefully she sees this sooner rather than later and leaves), or just stop responding. Nothing else is going to get through to him.

 

Man, the saddest thing is that you know that everything you're doing is wrong. You wouldn't have come here and specifically written "it's nothing, just a quick peck on the lips", if you didn't know that any kissing on the lips was wrong and would devastate Kirby if she saw it. You mentioned it instantly because you know that's one of the many things you're doing that you need to somehow rationalize.

 

Look, it's very simple. Would you have done the quick peck on the lips with Jade if Kirby was in the room watching? I think not. The cuddling and squeezing? I think not. Here's a rule of thumb: anything you wouldn't do to or with Jade if Kirby was watching, don't do it or the remaining sane part of your conscience will know it's wrong and keep beating you up for it.

 

I don't think you really care about either of these girls, and are just using both. If you cared about Kirby, you'd cut it off with Jade. If you cared about Jade, you'd either be with her or cut it off too. How the hell can Jade find the loving boyfriend she really needs if you're there all the time giving her emotional support but never fully committed to her? You're preventing her from moving on. Stop it.

[Nick7lno]

Why do you think I'm here? Don't you dare say I dom't care, they are the two people that I have truly cared for a bout in years. Do you know why Kirby is my first girlfriend? because I didn't want to open myself up to be hurt again. You don't know how hard it was for me to ask her out, you don't know how hard it was waiting by that phone to see if she would call back or just leave me there in the dark like everyone else I have ever known. You don't know what its like to realise that you have to know choose between the girl you love and the girl that has always been there. You don't know.

 

If I didn't care about either of them why am I here? And how easy is it for you to sit here and say it comes down a simple her or her? I have to choose between my girfirend who i was planning on proposing a couple of week a ago and the one person that has stuck with me through these years when everything has just fallen apart? Do you know how many forums I'm on asking for advice? six and I'm looking for more. why did I say it was a little peck on thips? Because if I had just said kiss imagine the reaction. I said it was a peck because thats what It was.

 

"How the hell can Jade find the loving boyfriend she really needs if you're there all the time giving her emotional support but never fully committed to her"

Well if you know so well what is happening then you would know that Jade went to dinner with a guy last week.

 

You sit here thinking you know everything, but you don't. You don't know what its like to choose. So don't you dare pretend to know otherwise.

[Capricorn3]

After posting this on six other forums and no doubt receiving plenty of advice from all these forums, what is the general consensus so far? What do you intend doing?

[Nick7lno]

@Drummergirl

"doing things you won't even do with Kirby"

 

Theres only two things that I do with Jade and not Kirby. 1, is shopping for clothes as often as I do with Jade (I still do it) and 2, talk about my childhood and even then I have only talked about it once this year.

[Nick7lno]

@Capricon3

I have to start to let go of Jade, its going to be hard as hell even just letting go of her a little bit but I have to do it. I just don't know how to, it sounds stupid but after all these year, I don't know how to even begin being not what we were and are now. But I have to do this.

[Capricorn3]

People can be friends WITHOUT all the kissing, hugging and sharing a bed etc etc (ALL of which are crossing the line when in a relationship with another). Has it ever occurred to you to just STOP crossing boundaries, stop all the touchy/feely things you do with her? That said, it's probably for the best because I doubt your relationship with Kirby will last if you continue doing what you're doing.

[Purusha]

I think initially you really need to sit down and talk to your friend about it - I don't think you need to cut her out of your life, but you do need to create boundaries. It sounds like you can talk to her about pretty much anything so it shouldn't be too hard to chat to her about it.

 

It is mainly the physical stuff that's going to bother your girlfriend, but I think that if you want to get to some deeper issues and really get some faith and trust in your relationship you do really need to work on talking to her about your past. If you don't feel that you can I wouldn't go near marriage if I were you!! Even if it's just little things a bit at a time, so that you can begin to feel comfortable talking to her and letting her in - the only way to get trust is to build it, and we all take a risk when we let people into our lives. It sounds like you've been through some tough times in your life, so if she hears anything she can't handle and goes (can't imagine that she would but to answer a 'what if' situation) - you know you can handle it.

 

There's no better way to feel empowered in your life than to have the confidence to express how you feel and who you are.

 

Talk to your girlfriend about the boundaries that you've set, whilst highlighting the fact that you understand that it's made her uncomfortable as it is unusual for people to be so close even though you're not family, but that you see her as a sister and would never consider her romantically.

 

If you want to keep both relationships I think you need to be as open and honest with both as you can.

 

Good luck!

[agent1607307371]

Actually, yes, you do need to let go of Jade. You obviously aren't capable of being just friends with her and as long as you won't try for a relationship with her, you are just going to ruin every relationship you have (that isn't with her) by your behaviour and lack of appropriate boundaries.

 

Kirby obviously wants to be there for you, but you won't let her be. You use Jade as a way to keep Kirby distant from you so you can make sure that she definitely won't hurt you, ignoring that you are just hurting Kirby.

 

And until you are able to talk to Kirby, properly about your life, there is no way you should even think about proposing. It would be a disaster and I can see you hurting her terribly.

[Nick7lno]

So you believe that I can not move forward with kirby as long as Jade is in my life? That I have to let go of her completely?

[mhowe]

Not completely. Not forever -- but in the short run, to prove you can -- you should

 

But you have to make huge changes. Set boundaries.

 

Right now, besides the physical boundaries that are crossed, you are letting Jade play the role of your emotional crutch, to the exclusion of Kirby. And if you don't fix this soon, you won't have to worry about it, because Kirby isn't going to be w/ you forever...unless you change this dynamic.