Met him after 6 years of online communication, heart in pieces

[ToF]

I don't think anything I said was unnecessarily harsh, but I apologize if your feelings were hurt by my words.

 

Look, I'll be straight with you. He did reject you. That doesn't mean there is anything at all wrong with you, though. It means he saw you, what you had to offer, and what a relationship with you would mean for him ... and he decided not to accept it. That is a rejection in the purest sense. His mumbling and waffling are irrelevant, because his decision is the same regardless. He still stared you in the face after six years, and decided not to pursue a relationship.

 

He said he cannot make long-term commitments. Okay. But that still means he's not going to be with you. Of course he was ecstatic when you showed interest in smaller commitments -- he was going to get to enjoy your company without ever having to commit to a relationship with you. It was a win for him, while being a complete waste of time and energy for you.

[Aarya]

I don't think anything I said was unnecessarily harsh, but I apologize if your feelings were hurt by my words.

 

 

You have been extremely kind actually. I was making it look like I was saying it to you, and hoping camus would indirectly understand, but that didn't work out so well now did it

[camus154]

You have been extremely kind actually. I was making it look like I was saying it to you, and hoping camus would indirectly understand, but that didn't work out so well now did it

 

Uh, no you weren't. I hadn't replied in this thread for several pages back before you said the bit about "please be kind" to ToF. You're just tossing the two together now because you don't like what I had to say.

 

Let me tell you something, since you want to talk about the other poster who blocked me. When you come to a public advice forum, you're going to hear advice you may not like. I am obligated to post respectfully, but respectful doesn't equal sugar-coated. Respectful doesn't equal "tell me what I want to hear". I challenge you to show me where I've been disrespectful either to you or to the other poster who didn't like what I had to say.

 

I am not going to apologize for being blunt and cutting through the BS. The advice I gave you earlier was quite sound and quite respectful. You can block me and you can ask me to not post in your threads, but I will assure you, when you seek public advice and then for 11 pages ignore the advice that every single poster says to you, I will not sugar coat the fact that I think you need professional help. If you're shocked and appalled that someone is telling you that, then I would advise you not to seek public opinion.

[Batya33]

I wish it was me 'blowing him out of the water'.

 

I talked to a friend of mine who has very similar mental issues as this guy. And he told me that it is hard but there is some hope and gave me some advice (posters who disagree with this, please be kind and don't yell at me for this!).

 

I don't know what I am going to do in the long run, for now I want to just take it day by day.

 

ToF I find comfort in hearing you say "I was wrong each time". Logically I know you must be right but somehow my emotions are convincing me otherwise and that hurts.

 

To protect yourself I would assume that even if he does have "mental issues" the bottom line is he has decided he does not want to be in a relationship with you. And when it comes to long distance you'd better want that relationship 110%, not just 100% to make it work. If he changes his mind (or works on his issues if he has any) or whatever he knows where to find you and will find you because of course he wouldn't want his special person to be snapped up by some other guy. Until then, time to move on, IMHO.

[abitbroken]

I wish it was me 'blowing him out of the water'.

 

I talked to a friend of mine who has very similar mental issues as this guy. And he told me that it is hard but there is some hope and gave me some advice (posters who disagree with this, please be kind and don't yell at me for this!).

 

I don't know what I am going to do in the long run, for now I want to just take it day by day.

 

ToF I find comfort in hearing you say "I was wrong each time". Logically I know you must be right but somehow my emotions are convincing me otherwise and that hurts.

 

Your goal should not be getting a guy into a relationship by any means. it should be dating and weeding guys out to look for the one that may be someone you could have a real future with. Do you think this man would be a present, emotionally stable, loving and supportive father to future children? Are you happy when you are with this man? Do you share common life goals?

 

This man makes you miserable, has you questioning your own value as a person and as a dating prospect, makes you cry. His statement "i can't be in a relationship" is seen a challenge for you to say "no, that's not true, i will show you."

 

I was with a guy for a little while similar (but not LDR) and one day I had enough. I am so glad that I walked away. It is not up to you to cure him or do 100% of the work. You deserve better.

[Aarya]

Thank you. That makes a lot of sense. I just can't make my heart accept it. I'm oscillating constantly between what makes sense and what my heart is foolishly telling me to do.

[ToF]

What exactly is your heart telling you to do?

[Aarya]

My heart is telling me that if I want to go to Athens and he is so excited about having me in Athens and introducing me to his friends then I should take the risk and go to Athens. My heart is telling me that we regret the things we don't do more than the things we do. My heart is telling me he likes me and that he has mental issues that make him fear a relationship with me, and that doesn't mean necessarily that he doesn't want or doesn't like me. My heart is telling me that he told me he wants to try, despite being anxious and afraid. My heart is telling me he felt close enough to me and comfortable enough with me that he could admit to his mental issues. These kinds of things...

[ToF]

Okay, now what is logic telling you?

[Aarya]

Logic:

 

-He told you he doesn't want a relationship, you should trust that

-He did not mention desire to improve his mental health in any way other than what he is already doing (meds+doc) which doesn't seem to be working

-He is too scared to move out of Athens

-Although he might move out of Athens if he lands a London job with Google (and he might)

[ToF]

Well, which one do you think is correct?

[Aarya]

I think probably the second. Problem is that I cannot be sure. The other problem is that the value of the utility/disutility of the possible outcomes from the possible actions are very different so when I compute expected utility here is what happens:

 

Let's say there is a 90% chance that heart leads to an 'inferior' result compared to logic, and with 10% chance heart leads to a 'superior' result compared to logic.

 

The superior result however has a happiness level of 1000 attached to it (it's a bit fuzzy how we end up at this number, but we are dealing with my feelings so what I say goes here), whereas the inferior result has an unhappiness level of -10 attached to it. And let's assume logic (doing nothing/status quo) has a happiness level of 0 attached to it.

 

Now calculating the expected utilities of heart vs logic we have;

 

0.9x(-10)+0.1(1000) which is strictly greater than 0. (You can change the 90% vs 10% to make it more extreme and, and this would still work with appropriate 'happiness levels' that I choose.)

[ToF]

So with all that said, what are you going to do? Choosing to do nothing is still a choice.

[Aarya]

So with all that said, what are you going to do? Choosing to do nothing is still a choice.

 

Slam my head on the wall and throw myself in the dryer with a bottle of coke.

 

I don't know

[ToF]

Well, you know my opinion and pretty much everyone else's opinion. So really it's up to you now.

[Aarya]

The thing is I guess I should wait for a while 1-2-3 months and see how much I still want it, and how my communication is with him. If I still want it just as much, there is really no way around it is there? I'd rather have anyone including myself tell me I told you so rather than wondering the rest of my life did I make a mistake of running away and not doing everything I possibly could.

 

How is that for logic?

[ToF]

May I just ask, what do you expect to happen if you do decide to go to Athens?

[Aarya]

I don't know what I expect. I enjoy him saying "Anything can happen". I expect to enjoy myself, and have as good a time as we had this time. I expect to get to know each other even better. I expect him to want to see me just as much next time as he wants to see me in Athens. I expect that maybe he will feel less anxious about accepting the job in London knowing that I might be able to move there and he wouldn't be lonely there as he fears he would be. I expect that he would want to see me again and again and again, until maybe one day he fears me no more or that his desire overcomes his fear or that his desire pushes him to find a way that can help him get better. He knows he is sick, he isn't in denial about that. He just lacks motivation to do anything further about it, because he is so convinced that he will fail, and that he will fail me in the process.

[ToF]

As good as a time you had this time?? He ripped your heart out, Aarya.

 

You've put this man on a pedestal when he doesn't deserve to be there. He rejected you, and you're going to take his breadcrumb ("anything can happen"), and treat it like a full meal. Don't be surprised when you come back from that trip still starving.

 

Not to be harsh, but you need to shake yourself out of this fantasy.

[Aarya]

As good as a time you had this time?? He ripped your heart out, Aarya.

 

You've put this man on a pedestal when he doesn't deserve to be there. He rejected you, and you're going to take his breadcrumb ("anything can happen"), and treat it like a full meal. Don't be surprised when you come back from that trip still starving.

 

Not to be harsh, but you need to shake yourself out of this fantasy.

 

He disappointed me, yes. He didn't give me everything I was hoping for. Yet I still wouldn't summarize the week as only 'he ripped my heart out'. Perhaps I was jaded enough to elope with him by the end of the week and hence I was disappointed in the result. But seriously, how many couples decide to have a relationship after one week? Remember technically we JUST met. And no, as much as I was infatuated with him we have not been making plans about relationships or even having relationship talk before then.

 

I would summarize the week as; we had a lot of fun, enjoyed ourselves. We got very intimate (not just sex) and talked to each other about everything. I shared more with him than I've ever shared with any family member (these were actually his words, but they apply to me as well). We laughed we cried we talked until we fell asleep. He felt close enough to me and respected me enough to let me know about his mental issues that he is very insecure about. He was scared to commit to anything and was very adamant about this, and yes that disappointed me. He expressed how happy he would be to see me and that making small commitments one step at a time makes him feel so much safer.

[ToF]

Title of your thread: "Met him after 6 years of online communication, heart in pieces"

 

Cater to his needs, fears and neuroticism if that's what you truly want. I get the feeling you will forget your own needs in the process.

[Aarya]

Double post

[Aarya]

I mean of course I was broken, I am not denying that. Especially writing the thread just hours after he left for Athens. But I just wouldn't describe this weak as merely "he came and ripped my heart out". That would not be fair. He came here, gave me a very special week and created a very special bond (that in a way he would like to continue) and he didn't meet all of my needs in that 1 week. I really think mine is more objective in this case.

 

And I am not sure if I will or will not follow through with Athens. At this point as far as he knows I will not. Me, I'm still struggling to figure out what is best for me.

 

PS I admit to taking a long time figuring out how dramatic I could make the title so that I would get the maximum amount of responses!

[ToF]

Before you decide to go anywhere, you may want to email him and get a definitive answer regarding the status of your relationship.

[Aarya]

Before you decide to go anywhere, you may want to email him and get a definitive answer regarding the status of your relationship.

 

I am obviously not flying anywhere unannounced. And not immediately. If I do go, it will of course be planned and discussed among us. But what exactly do you mean the 'status of our relationship'? These are exactly the kind of words that would cause anxiety for someone with mental issues surrounding commitment. (I know this from my close friend, not him directly). If I can understand what you mean, maybe I can ask it in a more indirect way so as to not scare him (again this is a suggestion of my friend who suffers from a similar yet less severe mental disorder).