Met him after 6 years of online communication, heart in pieces

[Aarya]

I know what you are saying is right. And this is why I told him I couldn't come see him. I am just having a very difficult time completely processing and accepting. How do I do it?

[Aarya]

I also like the 'heart in a blender' line. But I guess I shouldn't add that to the above message to him, right?

[ToF]

I know what you are saying is right. And this is why I told him I couldn't come see him. I am just having a very difficult time completely processing and accepting. How do I do it?

 

You're already on your way to doing it. I think you have to distance yourself from a situation in order to see it clearly and completely. This can be achieved through exercising logic, reasoning and realistic thought ... Or it can be achieved by letting time separate you from the situation. Or both. You're working very hard to think about this logically, rather than just emotionally. In doing that, you're creating a more complete and healthier perspective that includes not only what you want, but what you NEED. You recognize that your needs cannot be met, so you are removing yourself from the situation.

 

Keep doing this! It is not easy, I know. You're a human being, not a machine, which means you have feelings. Feelings are messy and complicated and tend to make us do insane things. It's okay if you mess up, and it's okay if you spend a day or three crying on your couch with a pint of ice cream. But keep those two things I mentioned in mind: Logic, and time. Keep being logical and realistic about this, and allow time to pass. Both of those things will lead to you processing and accepting what has happened.

[Aarya]

Ok I will write the above message (if I'm contacted) and perhaps add the heart in a blender line... after all need to continue the cheesy soap opera right?

 

The final issue I am having is about losing hope. After that message I will still be 100% hoping that this will make him re-consider and reach out. How do I stop doing that to myself?

 

Thank you for all your input. And thank you for telling me the truth (that I already knew) without being too harsh. It hurts repeating to myself that he does not want a relationship. Somehow it hurts more when I hear it from a third person.

[greywolf]

I know this is the best advice. I just have such a problem accepting it. What do you think about the following plan:

 

Do not write to him (but also do not try to block, become invisible etc). IF he writes, reply with this:

 

Please don't write to me unless you would like me to visit [insert his hometown], for the specific purpose of talking about how we can work together on having a relationship. I am sorry that I cannot accept anything less and disappointed that you cannot offer anything comparable.

 

(Maybe the last sentence is unnecessary).

 

That's a great email.

 

 

I have also been depressed. I moved on from it and got better. Maybe I could have helped him. Although I was never medicated for it. I do remember however spending days in bed, never opening the blinds, not showering or leaving the house for days, etc.

 

Please don't think like this. He's not a project for you to fix.

[LDRohnos]

Ok I will write the above message (if I'm contacted) and perhaps add the heart in a blender line... after all need to continue the cheesy soap opera right?

 

The final issue I am having is about losing hope. After that message I will still be 100% hoping that this will make him re-consider and reach out. How do I stop doing that to myself?

 

Thank you for all your input. And thank you for telling me the truth (that I already knew) without being too harsh. It hurts repeating to myself that he does not want a relationship. Somehow it hurts more when I hear it from a third person.

 

Every time you contact him you're putting yourself out there again. The only way to stop doing that is to stop contacting him. If he replies with anything short of "I was so wrong and I want to talk about us" do not send another message. If nothing else, don't reply to him until you post here again or get some advice from someone if you are having a hard time distinguishing between your feelings and what you should do. Sometimes it gets cloudy.

[Aarya]

Thank you greywolf.

 

In a couple of hours he will be at work and online. Already I am wondering/hoping he will write to me. It's so hard. And after I write the above drafted message there will be silence... and I will still always be hoping and waiting it seems like.

[Aarya]

Every time you contact him you're putting yourself out there again. The only way to stop doing that is to stop contacting him. If he replies with anything short of "I was so wrong and I want to talk about us" do not send another message. If nothing else, don't reply to him until you post here again or get some advice from someone if you are having a hard time distinguishing between your feelings and what you should do. Sometimes it gets cloudy.

 

Thank you. I will send that message. I'm scared that I will give that ultimatum with the message and then he wont write ever again. Although I also know that if he does write and it's a breadcrumb I will be so angry at him. But already my mind is racing... what will he say/write (will he?) when he gets on the computer...

 

It is SO hard.

[orange1234]

I haven't read the whole thread and from what I've read, it seems like you already got great advices but I wanted to put in my two cents because I've been in a somewhat similar situation. I think it's hard for you now because you're unconciously focusing on the BIG LOSS. You're still thinking of the 'possible' happy ending, and when you think you're going to lose it, you want it more because of the simple fact that you're now actually letting it go. I think you're doing a good job trying to look at yourself objectively. Keep it up, and try making yourself busy with other things. I had a lot of work to do while I was in your situation and that helped a lot. If he doesn't write back, you guys weren't meant to be in the first place. You lost nothing.

[Aarya]

I haven't read the whole thread and from what I've read, it seems like you already got great advices but I wanted to put in my two cents because I've been in a somewhat similar situation. I think it's hard for you now because you're unconciously focusing on the BIG LOSS. You're still thinking of the 'possible' happy ending, and when you think you're going to lose it, you want it more because of the simple fact that you're now actually letting it go. I think you're doing a good job trying to look at yourself objectively. Keep it up, and try making yourself busy with other things. I had a lot of work to do while I was in your situation and that helped a lot. If he doesn't write back, you guys weren't meant to be in the first place. You lost nothing.

 

And if he does write back?

 

Although I've logically decided what the best thing to do is here, I am not sure that I am emotionally strong enough to follow through with it. Unfortunately I don't know if I trust myself to.

[Aarya]

I can see lavenderdove viewing my thread. I know you from past advice you've given on this forum. I would be grateful for any advice you have to offer...

[Aarya]

I spoke to a friend that knows the whole situation, in much more detail. She asked me am I ready to give up, to give an ultimatum like that? That with his mindset it will make him think: Ok, I cannot hurt this girl anymore and therefore we cannot even try, even if I want to also.

 

This makes me want to try and convince myself to just give it my all and continue trying. Go to [insert his hometown] as we were so excited I would do. Meet his friends, learn about his life and take that 'baby step' with him. And hope that maybe he will find courage within himself to take another baby step, then another etc. He did say that he is much less scared of making small steps as opposed to big promises/plans.

 

I'm afraid of making the wrong decision here. Help.

[orange1234]

And if he does write back?

 

Although I've logically decided what the best thing to do is here, I am not sure that I am emotionally strong enough to follow through with it. Unfortunately I don't know if I trust myself to.

 

Well, you can ask when he DOES write back haha

 

Unlike others who are telling you to just forget about him, it's not gonna work etc etc, I think what's best is to do what you won't regret. People often regret things they DIDN'T do rather than what they did. So, if you have the guts to give it a try, I think it's great. Even if things don't work (either because he doesn't try or you two just weren't meant to be), at least you know you tried.

 

It all depends on what kind of person you are. Some don't find it a waste at all. But I can see that others who have given you advice on this thread interprete a risky relationship as a waste of time. If you think it's worth the risk, go ahead. He might try, he might not.

 

If you think you'd rather go through a heartbreak after trying (than keep thinking what could've been), I think it's a fair decision. No one here knows you or the guy. Just remember you can't blame anyone for the outcome.

[Aarya]

I know exactly what you are saying. I am SO tempted to put my heart out there and try. That is the kind of person I am. Therefore it took/is taking everything in me to not go to his hometown. We were both so happy an excited about it. But I also understand the other point of view and I am afraid of making the 'wrong decision' here.

 

Can someone please message lavenderdove for me and tell her I would really really appreciate a reply from her? As a new member I think there is no way for me to message her as of yet.

[orange1234]

Hey I have a couple questions. So did you send the message? Have you guys talked since the trip? How does he feel about you now? Is he still willing to accept you if you decide to visit his hometown? If yes, why don't you just go? It sounds like your heart already knows what it wants to do. Seeing him again in person will probably give you another impression of him. You might not like him that much after all. Or it might be the other way around. He might be more relaxed and become optimistic. You never know what will happen. Meeting his family/friends doesn't mean commitment, does it? If you're so willing to visit him, why not? You can decide everything afterwards.

[Aarya]

Hey I have a couple questions. So did you send the message? Have you guys talked since the trip? How does he feel about you now? Is he still willing to accept you if you decide to visit his hometown? If yes, why don't you just go? It sounds like your heart already knows what it wants to do. Seeing him again in person will probably give you another impression of him. You might not like him that much after all. Or it might be the other way around. He might be more relaxed and become optimistic. You never know what will happen. Meeting his family/friends doesn't mean commitment, does it? If you're so willing to visit him, why not? You can decide everything afterwards.

 

Let me try to answer your questions best I can.

 

He JUST left last night. This is all very fresh. We haven't spoken yet, I'm pretty sure he is just waking up today and heading to work.

 

I am certain that if I decide that I do want to go to his hometown he will be happy about that and accept. The problem is as soon as we discuss when and how, he wills tart to panic (he did this with our meeting as well). We will I am sure eventually settle on a date however I would be hesitant to ask (from knowing him and how he functions). He gets very stressed 'planning' for things.

 

He never offered to meet his parents (family). I'm pretty sure he mentioned it as a no. He is willing to introduce me to friends and show me places he hangs out etc.

 

The reason I didn't just go right away was because

1. I was too hesitant to suggest an immediate trip and afraid of the reaction. (Although he wanted me to come, I am not sure how he would handle me coming immediately)

2. He wasn't offering me anything (I don't want a relationship) and that breaks my heart and makes me feel lonely and rejected. I feel I am disrespecting myself if I settle for the nothing he is offering me.

3. I was partly bluffing. I thought that if I stand my ground he will realize otherwise. That he is worth having someone love him and that I do and can make him happy. And he is strong enough to have a relationship. I know this third one isn't the best reason to have declined.

 

As for the comment about maybe I wouldn't like him etc, I knew I already loved him without having seen him face to face. Now that we spent a week together that is only confirmed. There is no way I would suddenly decide I don't like him etc. I wish it was that easy.

[Aarya]

It's happened. I have finally started crying. I am torn between images of him telling me it is best for me that we just never try anything, that he will 'disappear' even if it is hard for him, for my good. Then there are images of him being so excited and happy that I would visit his hometown. Him telling me that he was thinking about how to ask me, how to bring it up, him being paralyzed by the fear that eventually it is going to hurt me. I'm so torn.

[orange1234]

Sorry, I thought your first post was about something that happened at least a week ago or so.

 

Hm... My ex suffered from depression and he wasn't the best person to date in many people's eyes. Plus, he wasn't willing to make any commitment but I didn't think I was 'disrespecting myself' because I liked him and was with him for the sake of it.

 

If you think you're disrespecting yourself, you probably are. And that is not a good sign. If you're going to give him a chance, you'll have to be okay that he's not offering you anything. You're going to love him without reciprocation, and you have to be okay with that. You love him because you love him. Not because he loves you. And you're NOT disrespecting yourself because it is YOUR choice to love him.

 

If you can't think of it that way, you probably should let him go. After all, he has said he doesn't want a relationship. And no matter how much he cries, he doesn't love you (at this moment) to be brave enough to try.

[orange1234]

*hugs*

 

Make yourself a cup of tea and take a deep breath.

[Aarya]

If he really wanted me, he would reach out and say I was wrong, let's try. Right? No matter how insecure he is, what problems he thinks he has, how hard we know it is going to be to figure out logistics. Do I want someone who doesn't want me back?

[orange1234]

Do I want someone who doesn't want me back?

 

If the answer is no, you have to forget him. *hugs*

[Aarya]

If the answer is no, you have to forget him. *hugs*

 

The problem is not that I am too proud to do that or whatever it is that I am afraid of getting even more hurt. But I cannot help on hanging on to hope. That maybe if we took little steps, and that it would all work out somehow. That we could be happy...Does that make me an idiot? Am I fooling myself?

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you experienced all this disappointment when you met your on line friend. Whether the truth is that he's emotionally unavailable to be in a relationship, just not that into you, or something in the middle of those two (which I would suspect) it doesn't matter other than for your ego (i.e. the former hurts less than the latter) and in my humble opinion it's best to move on and if he changes his mind he knows where to find you. My sense is that the fantasy of the on line chatting in the last year of it (when the chatting turned to romantic talk/flirting) fulfilled some sort of need in you that now you have to get to the source of and try to replicate in real life. Certainly you both took the safe way out for a very long time -typing and talking at length about your feelings for each other without actually meeting. Whether you actually were compatible for an in person romantic relationship had little to do with whether you enjoyed the on line chats. Hang in there.

[orange1234]

The problem is not that I am too proud to do that or whatever it is that I am afraid of getting even more hurt. But I cannot help on hanging on to hope. That maybe if we took little steps, and that it would all work out somehow. That we could be happy...Does that make me an idiot? Am I fooling myself?

 

I don't think you're too proud or anything. The majority of people wouldn't find it comfortable being in a 'relationship' with someone who doesn't love them back. I think I'm in the minority.

 

Your fear is totally natural too. What I'm trying to say is that if you think you can't handle the pain when things don't work out, you might be better off moving on. Don't regret in that case. Just keep moving on.

 

If you're willing to take the risk of getting hurt, do it. If you're the kind of person who can only move on after trying, I don't think it's foolish at all to give him a chance. But you'll have to be ready to take the pain he *might* give you.

 

edit: since I reckon this hasn't really been a useful advice... No matter what your decision may be, I think you'll be able to get over the pain. It might take ages but you will eventually heal. We're made to overcome loss.

[Minx2012]

Everything in this interaction screams " No, forget about it! ".

 

1. It's long distance.

2. He has already stated he doesn't want a relationship.

3. He has psychological problems.

4. You are 27 yrs old ( just about to enter your prime as a woman where you will have so much power in every single way ) and he is a 40 yr old man, well past his prime with psychological problems ( a depressive ).

 

I think you seem to like the romantic, idealistic, dramatic, seemingly " passionate " dynamics here.....but reality has to hit you in some way.